I've decided that for those of you who once read this journal (I don't know if anybody reads this at all anymore, probably not, so I'll be e-mailing those who I know read this) I've created an LJ ID for their use. That way you can read my journal without creating a new ID that you won't use. If you want the name and password, please e-mail me and if I recognize your username, I'll send it to you.
Love always,
Vickey
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm sorry but...
Obviously I don't write in this journal. It will always remain special to me as will all of you. Feel free to follow me to my LJ. Unfortunately, it's a friends only journal (except for memes). That means to read most of my entries you have to have a livejournal ID. (Sorry for that.) I'm not deleting this journal. I hate to leave JLand but it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Please keep in touch. Feel free to e-mail me for any reason (or no reason) at all. I'll miss you all.
Love always,
Vickey
Love always,
Vickey
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Dream confusion
I have dreamed at least three times that I was pregnant. It's the only thing that's ever been repeated in a dream. None of the dreams are the same except that I'm pregnant and when I wake up I always feel confused as to whether I am or not. It's been nearly an hour since I woke up and I'm still vaguely concerned as to whether I am pregnant or not.
I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.
I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?
This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.
I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.
I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?
This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
::squee::
WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!
That is all. Please resume your normal lives.
I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!
That is all. Please resume your normal lives.
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Seclusion
So I've been pretty much totally MIA here lately. There hasn't been much going on in my life and yet there's been a lot. Ummm I'm sixteen now. I'm still single, still never been kissed, still mentally screwed up. I just started the pill (as in like 15 mins ago I took my first one) and nobody believes my reasons for going on it so I won't bother to explain them here just know it's not for pregnancy prevention because I'm not considering having sex anytime soon.
I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.
So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.
Vickey
I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.
So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.
Vickey
Friday, February 17, 2006
Adieu my dears.
I really do have to go pack like an hour ago (opps) but I just wanted to drop by and say hey, how are you, and I'm leaving tomorrow. Going to my mom's for a week. Monday is my birthday. I'm turning sweet 16. :) At 4:27pm. I love you all and I miss you and I'm sorry I'm not around more. Have to go pack and stop typing so loud (it's gonna wake my gramma up and she'll yell at me for not having packed before I got on and for still being up and on).
Later,
Vickey
Later,
Vickey
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I just deleted most of my alerts. I check bloglines more often than I read alerts. I've got e-mails up to wazoo of journal alerts and I'm just deleting them all. There's a couple I kept b/c I don't know the URL or it couldn't find an RSS feed but other than that, no alerts. I'm just really not focused lately. I don't seem to have time for alerts or journals or updates and it's annoying. I miss you guys so much! It seems like I haven't caught up with some of you in forever and I miss you. I miss the sense of home I had here. It feels like it's been taken away. When that was, I don't know. Maybe it was when the "great exodus" happened or maybe it was later. But either way, I haven't felt at home here in a while. Not to mention that I've had writer's block off and on for a while. I don't feel like getting into the drama in my life at the moment but maybe I'll write here tomorrow. If you guys wanna keep caught up, I tend to write a lot more in my LJ. (http://sawyerlove.livejournal.com) Later...
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