Obviously I don't write in this journal. It will always remain special to me as will all of you. Feel free to follow me to my LJ. Unfortunately, it's a friends only journal (except for memes). That means to read most of my entries you have to have a livejournal ID. (Sorry for that.) I'm not deleting this journal. I hate to leave JLand but it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Please keep in touch. Feel free to e-mail me for any reason (or no reason) at all. I'll miss you all.
Love always,
Vickey
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Dream confusion
I have dreamed at least three times that I was pregnant. It's the only thing that's ever been repeated in a dream. None of the dreams are the same except that I'm pregnant and when I wake up I always feel confused as to whether I am or not. It's been nearly an hour since I woke up and I'm still vaguely concerned as to whether I am pregnant or not.
I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.
I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?
This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.
I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.
I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?
This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
::squee::
WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!
That is all. Please resume your normal lives.
I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!
That is all. Please resume your normal lives.
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Seclusion
So I've been pretty much totally MIA here lately. There hasn't been much going on in my life and yet there's been a lot. Ummm I'm sixteen now. I'm still single, still never been kissed, still mentally screwed up. I just started the pill (as in like 15 mins ago I took my first one) and nobody believes my reasons for going on it so I won't bother to explain them here just know it's not for pregnancy prevention because I'm not considering having sex anytime soon.
I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.
So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.
Vickey
I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.
So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.
Vickey
Friday, February 17, 2006
Adieu my dears.
I really do have to go pack like an hour ago (opps) but I just wanted to drop by and say hey, how are you, and I'm leaving tomorrow. Going to my mom's for a week. Monday is my birthday. I'm turning sweet 16. :) At 4:27pm. I love you all and I miss you and I'm sorry I'm not around more. Have to go pack and stop typing so loud (it's gonna wake my gramma up and she'll yell at me for not having packed before I got on and for still being up and on).
Later,
Vickey
Later,
Vickey
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I just deleted most of my alerts. I check bloglines more often than I read alerts. I've got e-mails up to wazoo of journal alerts and I'm just deleting them all. There's a couple I kept b/c I don't know the URL or it couldn't find an RSS feed but other than that, no alerts. I'm just really not focused lately. I don't seem to have time for alerts or journals or updates and it's annoying. I miss you guys so much! It seems like I haven't caught up with some of you in forever and I miss you. I miss the sense of home I had here. It feels like it's been taken away. When that was, I don't know. Maybe it was when the "great exodus" happened or maybe it was later. But either way, I haven't felt at home here in a while. Not to mention that I've had writer's block off and on for a while. I don't feel like getting into the drama in my life at the moment but maybe I'll write here tomorrow. If you guys wanna keep caught up, I tend to write a lot more in my LJ. (http://sawyerlove.livejournal.com) Later...
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Old entries
10/20
Today, by all rights, should have me in a shitty mood to start with. My brother took the bathroom before I got up. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then wait downstairs to brush my teeth. I had to get my scarf out of the car and I hit my head and smeared the PB on my toast onto my brother's shirt while looking for my scarf. Then I had to talk to whats-his-face. My global teacher hates me. My friends left me in the corner and my bracelet keeps poking me in the wrist. Oh, and PMS. (Enough said, right?) But... I'm in a good mood. No school tomorrow, Starbucks afterschool, a wonderful bracelet from a friend that loves me, and I got my scarf and found my wonderful half-sweater. Little things make me happy. And if my cramps/headache are still here at the end of third, I'll take more midol (aka happy pills according to Mag). I'm in a good mood and it's lovely. Oh, and I'm doing winter track this year. I'm nervous about it but I've already got at least one vaulter friend (aka Sayid). Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but I can at least try it, right? And if it turns out that it's not for me, I can always quit, right? My biggest concerns are not being able to run fast enough, not being able to carry my pole, and doing it entirely wrong.
Yummy! I just bought a lollipop. Banana split. :) Oh, and a sub in math last period. :) And an easy class in health on suicide/teen depression and the fifth of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" which is "Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood". And my first class of the day in which I don't hate my teacher and they don't hate me.
Global-Currie-sickeningly sweet-hates me
Math-Zschoche-pain-I hate her.
Health-Tata-actually a good, nice teacher-mutual like
Chorale-Abrahamian-eccentric but cool-mutual like
German-Frau Mac-scary when angry but mostly nice-mutual like
Bio-Schembri-great teacher but I don't get a lot of the material-don't think he likes me
Gym-Angus-coll but a little odd I guess-mutual like
English-Mahoney-decent teacher but don't understand a lot of the materials-mutual like with wariness
So 3 teachers I don't get along with, four I do, and 1 that's just weird. Hehe ^_^ I just won at bingo. Gave my sucker (prize) to Mandy since I already have one. I cut my bangs last n ight and they both look good & are the *perfect* length. We sounded great on Agnus Dei especially for having only got it yesterday. And my hair is behaving and my make-up looks good too. Little things I am grateful for. Little things make me happy.
Thankful Thursday
In TRSH for the second time this year. Both times because Becky drove me and I was late enough to not be able to squeak by. It's raining outside. It's a lab day. Which sucks ass b/c I didn't have breakfast. But I've got a Pop-Tart and a granola bar w/me and 2 bucks for "lunch". The birds outside are so pretty the way they're flying and all. There's dozens of 'em. At least 100 flying outside in the rain. My head is spinning. I should eat those Pop-Tarts in my purse. I can't really focus. And this b/c all I've had all day is a lollipop.
10/26
My mind is devoid of thoughts writing down.
10/27
I have writer's block. I can't think of anything to write and I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I have something like five assignments that I have to write for due either Monday or Tuesday and I can't think of a damn thing. I rarely ever have complete writer's block. I'll get stuck in a story or not know how to start a lab report or how to phrase something but right now I cannot think of anything to write. I get out this notebook and try to write or I open up a screen for one of my journals and try to write but I can't get a single thought to exit my fingers. I feel an obligation I shouldn't to write in my blogs. I've had writer's block for a week. I've had it horribly for an hour (horribly as in it's now manifested itself in my body, not just my mind). I hate having it in my bones. It leaves me scrambling for a single intelligent thought which will spark a story, lab report, fable, creative, or blog entry. Writing about my writer's block hastn' done it. This is all fluff. An excuse to space out in math. A habit. A desperate attempt to cure my writer's block. If watching The Great Pumpkin didn't give me that Halloween spirit, why should such a desperate attempt at getting some remote sort of inspiration back work?
I'm reading Chocolat and I'm actually looking forward to my math homework each night (polynominals and monomials), These are my days. I want a job but my dad can't find my birth certificate or social security card & I need them to get a work permit which I need to get a job.
Some time b/w 10/26 and 11/1
Writer's block over. Thousands of ideas. A new story forming. I can't wait to get started on it. Unfortunatly, it'll wind up crashing as soon as my crush is over. Just as my story of Katherine and Matt did. I should probably work on my schoolwork. Or a cure for my seemingly incessant blushing. I keep doing that. Blushing, I mean. One thing. So much for not thinking about guys for two days. I survived about 10 minutes. hahaha
More later.
Today, by all rights, should have me in a shitty mood to start with. My brother took the bathroom before I got up. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then wait downstairs to brush my teeth. I had to get my scarf out of the car and I hit my head and smeared the PB on my toast onto my brother's shirt while looking for my scarf. Then I had to talk to whats-his-face. My global teacher hates me. My friends left me in the corner and my bracelet keeps poking me in the wrist. Oh, and PMS. (Enough said, right?) But... I'm in a good mood. No school tomorrow, Starbucks afterschool, a wonderful bracelet from a friend that loves me, and I got my scarf and found my wonderful half-sweater. Little things make me happy. And if my cramps/headache are still here at the end of third, I'll take more midol (aka happy pills according to Mag). I'm in a good mood and it's lovely. Oh, and I'm doing winter track this year. I'm nervous about it but I've already got at least one vaulter friend (aka Sayid). Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but I can at least try it, right? And if it turns out that it's not for me, I can always quit, right? My biggest concerns are not being able to run fast enough, not being able to carry my pole, and doing it entirely wrong.
Yummy! I just bought a lollipop. Banana split. :) Oh, and a sub in math last period. :) And an easy class in health on suicide/teen depression and the fifth of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" which is "Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood". And my first class of the day in which I don't hate my teacher and they don't hate me.
Global-Currie-sickeningly sweet-hates me
Math-Zschoche-pain-I hate her.
Health-Tata-actually a good, nice teacher-mutual like
Chorale-Abrahamian-eccentric but cool-mutual like
German-Frau Mac-scary when angry but mostly nice-mutual like
Bio-Schembri-great teacher but I don't get a lot of the material-don't think he likes me
Gym-Angus-coll but a little odd I guess-mutual like
English-Mahoney-decent teacher but don't understand a lot of the materials-mutual like with wariness
So 3 teachers I don't get along with, four I do, and 1 that's just weird. Hehe ^_^ I just won at bingo. Gave my sucker (prize) to Mandy since I already have one. I cut my bangs last n ight and they both look good & are the *perfect* length. We sounded great on Agnus Dei especially for having only got it yesterday. And my hair is behaving and my make-up looks good too. Little things I am grateful for. Little things make me happy.
Thankful Thursday
- I haven't SIed in 2 days.
- I haven't been tempted in a day and a half.
- I didn't completely fly off the handle at Andrew for his "jokes" about cutters.
- I have lunch in 1/2 an hour.
- I have Starbucks in 2 hours.
- I have a warm bed to sleep in.
- I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head.
- I stood up for my beliefs assertively in math.
- I had a yummy lollipop and a sub in math.
- I just Aced a bio quiz.
- I'm not pregnant at 15.
- I'm healthy.
- I'm a decent singer with a new opprotunity to sing publicly.
- I have wonderful friends.
In TRSH for the second time this year. Both times because Becky drove me and I was late enough to not be able to squeak by. It's raining outside. It's a lab day. Which sucks ass b/c I didn't have breakfast. But I've got a Pop-Tart and a granola bar w/me and 2 bucks for "lunch". The birds outside are so pretty the way they're flying and all. There's dozens of 'em. At least 100 flying outside in the rain. My head is spinning. I should eat those Pop-Tarts in my purse. I can't really focus. And this b/c all I've had all day is a lollipop.
10/26
My mind is devoid of thoughts writing down.
10/27
I have writer's block. I can't think of anything to write and I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I have something like five assignments that I have to write for due either Monday or Tuesday and I can't think of a damn thing. I rarely ever have complete writer's block. I'll get stuck in a story or not know how to start a lab report or how to phrase something but right now I cannot think of anything to write. I get out this notebook and try to write or I open up a screen for one of my journals and try to write but I can't get a single thought to exit my fingers. I feel an obligation I shouldn't to write in my blogs. I've had writer's block for a week. I've had it horribly for an hour (horribly as in it's now manifested itself in my body, not just my mind). I hate having it in my bones. It leaves me scrambling for a single intelligent thought which will spark a story, lab report, fable, creative, or blog entry. Writing about my writer's block hastn' done it. This is all fluff. An excuse to space out in math. A habit. A desperate attempt to cure my writer's block. If watching The Great Pumpkin didn't give me that Halloween spirit, why should such a desperate attempt at getting some remote sort of inspiration back work?
I'm reading Chocolat and I'm actually looking forward to my math homework each night (polynominals and monomials), These are my days. I want a job but my dad can't find my birth certificate or social security card & I need them to get a work permit which I need to get a job.
Some time b/w 10/26 and 11/1
Writer's block over. Thousands of ideas. A new story forming. I can't wait to get started on it. Unfortunatly, it'll wind up crashing as soon as my crush is over. Just as my story of Katherine and Matt did. I should probably work on my schoolwork. Or a cure for my seemingly incessant blushing. I keep doing that. Blushing, I mean. One thing. So much for not thinking about guys for two days. I survived about 10 minutes. hahaha
More later.
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