Tonight

AOL needs to put confused as a choice under mood. It's a very common one for me.

Child protective services was here. No big deal as of yet. They're going to talk to me soon. I don't feel like writing about it yet but I'll write about it soon. I promise. I'm thinking very hard about this. Calie gave me a lot to think about, regardless of her lack of blog. Don't worry about that, hun. It's not a big deal. I'll write more tomorrow. I'm just so confused. It's so hard to give specifics. Give examples. It's just.... ugh. I DON'T want to die but I do want to not deal with this. Too many thoughts to cope with. I'll go do my english homework for my quiz tomorrow. Much love and return hugs to all.

Love always,
Vickey

Continuation of last night's story and a brighter note

Last night was awful. Heinous. I don’t cry in front of my dad. This unwritten law has evolved over time. Last night, I broke that law. All I wanted to do was watch Strong Medicine in peace. My brother was watching downstairs and so I was in Dad’s room watching his TV. He came in and sat on the bed, blocking my view. I asked him to move and told him I did not want to talk. He persisted and I tried to go to my room. He blocked my way and told me to sit down because “we’re going to talk”. Yeah, right. That’s what he thinks. I kept trying to get up and go to my room saying, “I’m going to bed.” He grabbed my arm and basically tossed me to the bed. “Sit down and talk.” “No! I just want to go to bed!” He grabbed me and I curled my legs up and shoved his chest with my feet. He’s still trying to grab me so I scream, ear piercing, top of my lungs, “Get away from me!” I did that over and over until he let go. I sat on the bed with him trying to get me to talk and I cried. I was scared and I just wanted to be left alone. Finally he let me go into my room and said, “I’ll be back every ten minutes until you’re asleep.” Which will really help me fall asleep ::sarcasm:: While he was in talking to Joey, I went downstairs and got my purse (with my cell in it) and my Bible. I sent Mom a text that said, “Mom, I want to move in with you. I can’t take it anymore. Can’t talk right now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love ya.” I texted Lindz and told her to meet me in the corner (an area of our school) tomorrow when the buses unload. I was doing this in the bathroom. Dad goes, “What were you doing in there? Don’t give me any of this ‘tempted’ crap. Let me see your arms!” I thrust up my sleeves and shouted, “See! I didn’t do anything! I was texting my mother!” Even if I were going to hurt myself last night, I wouldn’t have done it on my arms. It’s too obvious a place. When I said this to Lindz, she glared at me until I pulled up my pant legs to reveal……… NOTHING!!! Not a scratch, not a red line, not a cut. Nothing! He tried to take my cell from me. I refused. It hasn’t left my possession since I got it. I refused to give it to him saying, “No. You didn’t pay for it. You can’t take it.” and I won that battle of will. Dad only came in twice. Once when I was lying in bed crying and shaking and once when I was laying in bed reading & finishing my tea. When I was crying, he goes, “Honey, are you okay?? Well, duh. ?I?m fine.? Note: the crack in my voice and the obvious teary voice. ?No you?re not.? He came over and put his hand on my back. Which immediately tensed up even more. ?I?m fine. Go away.? He left a few seconds later. I was shaking still so I prayed that I could calm down, just enough to sleep, just until morning. I did. I got my tea so my throat would stop hurting, wrote that entry, and grabbed GWTW as I climbed into bed. Two pages later, my father entered. I put my book down and he talked. When I got sick of his BS, I told him that I was going to bed. Put my glasses on the night table and turned off the light. Climbed back into bed (with him still on the side of my bed) and turned away from him. ?We were having a good conversation.? ?Wrong! Your ears you keep so that every shriek of every child?.? Opps. Wrong quote. ?Wrong. You were having a good conversation with yourself.? I went to sleep. He told me while I was in the bathroom (the second time) that I was reacting wrong. That it was the wrong reaction. Umm?. NO. You do not tell me that my feelings are wrong. My feelings and my reactions were perfect for that situation. I thought he was going to hit me; I was scared. Is crying and shaking not the natural reaction? It wasn?t even my choice. I could not stop. I?m lucky I managed to get my contacts out what with all the crying.

 

On another note, much as I respect all of your opinions, I?m having my English substitute give me some constructive criticism on my poetry. I?m kinda nervous about letting him read stuff like The Dying Temptation and He Lies to my Face but I?m going to get him a copy to critique. He?s not a poetry major or anything but he is an English teacher. I can?t wait to see what he says but he is the same teacher that I professed my hatred of in a past entry. Haha. Should be interesting. Oh, and semester is easy. Same as the first in all ways but a very few: different study hall room and teacher, different gym teacher, and three days of gym instead of two. Not a big deal. I had a conversation with Josh and Connor about nail polish. They?re two straight guys. It was quite hilarious. 10 minutes left to kill. Maybe I?ll start my English homework.

 

Love always,

Vickey

From Last Night

I can't deal with this anymore. My mind is made up. I'm moving. I was not tempted to hurt myself contrary to what some believe (more on that later). I have never before been afraid that my father would hit me. Tonight I was. I seriously believed he would hit me. I tense up everytime I hear or see or sense him. How can I live in a house where half the time I'm tense (like now...)? I'd rather not record the details but he would not allow me to go to my room, he physically restrained me, refused to leave me alone, yelled, and now I lack any voice. He got in my face, yelling and pitching a fit. So I screamed. At the top of my lungs. Several times. I'm sitting here at 10:15pm with tearstains on my face and a cup of chamomile tea. I texted Mom and told her I want to move. Cried for about an hour. Can't write anymore. Physically,emotionally, and mentally drained.

Love always,
Vickey

From Saturday night

It's past midnight as I sit here, writing this. I was on my way to sleep when I realized that my forhead was pressed against my bear's arm was like it had been pressed against Tom's forehead in that dream. So my bear went on the floor. And I went into a mode of thought and unrest. Because ever since Wednesday night, my feelings are sort of different. At first they were gone. Not an empty gone just a I-don't-like-him-anymore gone. But they're back. But the thought of that dream scene and him isn't with the same feelings. Now it's wary and cautious and sort of repulsed. I just am really confused. I feel it in my heart. Just confusion. I don't know if I like him or not. I can't stop second-guessing what I do, say, or think. Confused is the only word for it. Confused and self-conscious. Shy and withdrawn. Not myself. I don't feel like me anymore. I'm not myself. I'd dealing with my heart, my sanity, my friends, Tom, moving, cutting. I'm not seeing Ali tomorrow (she's in the hospital) because I can't deal with the reasons. I don't know if my sanity will remain if I see her. I don't know if I can handle it. I just don't know. I am so confused. I don't like feeling confused. Honestly. I don't. Schoolwork comes easy so I don't feel confusion over that. When my friends confuse me, it's often solved in a few words. But this is a deeper confusion that only I can figure out. But I can't. Damn Lindz because she spurred this! She said Lyndz was talking to Nelson who was talking to Tom and Nelson says Tom might be "negatory" on the whole thing but that it might not be true. Human nature causes doubt to enter through that though. So I worry I was too forward, too obvious. Argh! Damn my heart and mind! I just want to die. Not that I'm suicidal at the moment. I just don't want to deal with this. Hmmm.... typical choice: suicide or fantasy world? I choose the latter. Now, to create a world in my mind without humans!

Love always,
Vickey

P.S. that world involved me in the woods with a mini-lake nearby fed by a stream. A unicorn laid her head in my lap and let me stroke her mane. It was a nice retreat. I've used it since Saturday night, too.

Idiosyncrasy (from Mon. night)

We've all got our own idiosyncrasies. Well I only use one brand of wood pencils or mechanical pencils. The other ones bug me. The graphite scratches and the wood is dull and rough on the others. I only sharpen them with the handheld sharpeners, the one that make smooth cuts, the roses. A big test is not the day for me to be without one. We almost didn't have Eagles pencils and then I couldn't find a sharpener. I did find one and all should be good for tomorrow. I'm pretty prepared. Except because I hate my teacher, I didn't listen to the midterm prep in English. It's one essay. I really hate writing essays. Ugh. Must go security proof purse. Do I chance it with my cell? Shouldn't. If they take it and it gets stolen, I'm screwed. 3 pencils, 3 pens, my watch, a hairtie, house key, $10, feminine stuff, and GWTW. And cell, maybe. All in my purse (or handsf or GWTW).

Love always,
Vickey

Idiot english teacher (from last Monday)

Apparently, my not giving her a wake-up call was detrimental. Lindz isn't here. Haha. Blah. Must go busy my mind. Last period, I signed everything. Kept my hands and mind busy. Gone with the Wind, here I come!

Instead of GWTW, I helped Kim. She's really nice. She came here a couple months ago from Vietnam. I haven't talked to her much but today I did. 5 minutes of science and then choir. Where I'm not singing.

Oh my gosh! This is so cute! Rachel has a boyfriend! Wittle Wachel is dating wittle Danny. Aww. She's gonna kill me when she reads this. (Oh, and hun, please don't mention a dirt road and my new nickname if you comment.) Oh, no! ::sarcasm:: I got in trouble. I sat in a different seat and had to move back. Big punishment. Had I not raised my hand, he wouldn't have noticed. It doesn't change that the notes I'm taking are not about the midterm. At least I'm not 25 and my voice still cracks. I see no point in taking notes, no difference in where I sit. So I wanted a change for a day. Big deal. He said he could write me up for cutting class because I wasn't in the right seat. Go ahead, sugar, write me a referral. One referral in the ten years I've been in school is not much. I really don't like this teacher. Apparently the midterm is very specific. I hate prewrites. I hate 'em. Hate outlines. I did one last year out of a billion tests. ONE. On my soc exam. I have a test next period in gym. On muscles groups. Woohoo. Sorry. I'm in a very sarcastic mood. His tie is off. It's bugging me. He's bugging me. Just shut up and let me read GWTW. You are now witnessing one of my darker moments. Dark as in crabby and "itchy" and sarcastic and PMS-y. He's an arse and I'm peeved.

Love always,
Vickey

Old entries....

Major breakthrough. I ate peanut butter. Of my own free will. I have professed my hatred of it for years and I now eat it. And like it. *gasp*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Monday morning...........

Tempted again.

Dealing with the problems of teenage life
Dealing with the troubles of a difficult life
Not only do I go muh midterms this week
But I got a billion things on my mind
I got cutting, anorexia, and relationships
I got all my life to live still
I don't need your shit too.

Scratch that. It's releasing as much isht as watching that Beatles video (something about 64) did. So my day sucks and it's only just past 7:30. I woke up late so I didn't give Lindz her wake-up call. I missed the bus and Dad said, excuse me, yelled that it was because I'd been screwing around. I was up until 11:30 and then woke up at 2. Couldn't fall back asleep until 2:30. Excuse me for not jumping out of bed promptly at 6am. I got up at half past. Got ready at pretty normal pace and when I realized the time, forgoed the make-up. If I was screwing around and trying to miss the bus (I was only about 2 minutes late), I'd have put make-up on. He's tearing into me so I walked outside. I didn't need a repeat of last night (which may or may not get blogged). I go climb in the car and try not to freeze my extremities off. He gets in and keeps tearing into me. Apparently, I'm slefish and inconsiderate and I go out of my way to disrupt other people's lives. So he keeps tearing into me and now I'm in tears. So I turn my head away. After my horoscope, I turn it to the mix, then the light. Dad turns it off and I turn it back on.

Damn my heart. If not for my friends and my foolish goddamned heart, I'd move in an instant. BUt I have a foolish heart that wants to stay for what might be. I'm not staying for a guy I'm dating, I'm thinking about staying for a guy I want to date. But can I deal with all the drama with Dad, all the crap here, for him? I'm calling him after school. Just to talk, no excuse. [Never did call.] If he asks why I'm calling I'll say I need to talk to someone and why not him? It's true. What I'll talk to him about I have no idea. I don't even know if I'll be able to talk. Physically, I mean. My throat doesn't want me to which is why I'm sitting here writing rather than participating in voice. Oh well. Only today left. Midterms start tomorrow at 8am. I'm not studying. If I flunk, I flunk. I can still manage a B-.

 

That's all I have time for today. I'll TRY to update later, after church, but I have homework. Shhhh! Have a great Sunday night.

Love always,
Vickey

Musical review...

I'm currently listening to Something Corporate's rendition of High and Dry. This song belongs to Jamie Cullum in my mind. They're decent but it's more of a rock beat and his voice is quite soft at points. The instruments are louder and clearer than he who is breathy. Hmmm.... I guess Jamie's just stolen my heart away. But I still like Mr. Bass Guitarist..... *giggle*

They followed this with Jamie singing But For Now! Oh the irony! Trying to acess files on a floppy disk but stupid redone computer isn't letting me. AAAHHHH!!! Whatever. I'll see if I can copy the programs at Lindz's. All will work in the end.

Love always,
Vickey

Sunday Brrrrunch (rrrr=rolled r)

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who
can't read them." -Mark Twain

1) Do you use bookmarks? Not most of the time but I've started using the two of hearts from my favorite deck of cards (a Bicycle deck) to mark my page. Blame Tim McGraw for that.... "Her book is lying by the bed, the two of hearts to mark her page. Now who could ever walk away at chapter twenty-one? So she can't be really gone." ~One of my FAVORITE Tim McGraw songs
*We interrupt your regularly scheduled entry to inform you that chips and dip is NOT a healthy lunch but it will suffice.*
2) What is your favorite book? At the moment, my two of hearts is in Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell but it's not my favorite. I'm not into it enough for it to be my favorite. I don't have a favorite. Too many good books.
3) Who is your favorite author? I do have a favorite author. Nicholas Sparks, whom I have mentioned before, is amazing. Romantic novels such as The Notebook and A Walk to Remember. (He did write those.)
4) What is the movie you feel is the most authentic version of a book? Ummm... October Sky... haha! They changed that so0o0o0o0o much! The Notebook was pretty good as was The Princess Bride was too. They're both really good and really close to the story (but The Notebook is kinda hard to follow in the book and I don't like how they ended it... I won't give it away though).
5) Is there a book you wish they would make into a movie and why? A book they should make into a movie? Ummm...... There was this book named Summertime that I loved and it was great and if they made it into a movie I'm sure it'd be a hit but I'm content to let the images remain in my mind.

That's all for now..... My mummy may read this soon, if I give her the URL.... Am taking the link out of my profile so my step-aunt and step-grandmother cannot read this and find out about Mom having a computer. Link is now out. So if y'all forget my URL you're screwed..... hehe ^_^ Ciao.

Love always,
Vickey

Saturday Six

Yay! Saturday Six time! And there are less than twenty people (heck, there's only one so far that I know of) that have commented so far! Yay! On with it....

1. Who is the first celebrity you recall having a crush on? He's only a B-List (or maybe even C-List) celebrity but Brandon Quinn. He played Tommy Dawkins on Big Wolf on Campus when I was in fourth grade. The first A-List celebrity would have to be Shane West after I saw A Walk to Remember. Great movie. Even better book.
 
2. What was your favorite amusement park ride when you were young? Am I still considered young? Or is 15 old? Hmm.... I used to love a lot of rides. My mom rides the circles ones with me and my dad rides the roller coasters (but Mom does those too). I love the Jack Rabbit at Seabreeze. Oh, and the tilt-a-whirl. And a lotta others there. Oh! And the Superman roller coaster at Darien Lake! I like roller coasters and spinny things.
 
3. If you could change your name (first or middle but the name you go by), would you, and if so, what would you change it to? OH MY GOSH, PATRICK! Did he write this question just for me?! If I could change my name from Victoria would I? Not anymore. Been there. Done that. You're talkin to a girl who went by about 20 different names (including different spellings) in the seventh grade! I was Vickey, Vici, Vicki, Vikki, Emerald (story later), Hope, Hope Rae, and a billion others! I am happy being Vickey or Victoria Elizabeth or Victoria or Sawyer or 4x4 or Tink or Chicky or whatever you wanna call me (within reason)! I am Victoria Elizabeth! And I love it. It's regal and sophisticated and me.
 
4. Go to http://kabalarians.com/ and take the "First Name Analysis" test.  Do you agree with what the site comes up with? Well, it says this, "Although the name Victoria creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs and bronchial area.

The name of Victoria gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature." Most of that is right. Surprisingly enough. But I am confident and not very self-conscious. I was born with two holes in my heart so the part about heart problems is right. And I constantly had strep as a child. I do have an idealistic and sensitive nature. Sometimes I am troubled by not being able to say what I mean. I obviously express myself well through writing. I prefer talking on IM rather than the phone most times because I can better articulate myself in writing. I love literature and poetry (even dabble in it myself). The last part about my ideals and beauty in life is right on as well. Hmmm....
 
5. Other than Johnny Carson, which former talk show host's tape archives would you most like to visit, and why? Ummm... former talk show hosts? I don't know. (BTW: is it easier to see this pink on black? Or the purple on white? I'm trying to make this not blinding for all.)

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #44  from Jessie:   If you were in good health, would you donate a kidney to a friend who's dying regardless of what your family's opinion are and if yes or no, why or why not? If I were in good health would I donate a kidney to a friend who was dying regardless of what my family thinks? Yes, I would. I'd be terrified and I wouldn't do it for someone I'd just met but for a good friend, I would gladly help them out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they died because I didn't help them. Of course, being a minor, I would need my parent's permission, wouldn't I?

 

That was the Saturday Six. On with my day.....

Love always,
Vickey

Weekend Assignment #45

Weekend Assignment #45: It's karaoke time. Pick a song to sing and explain why you chose it. Note that not everyone sings the song you expect them to sing: I remember being at a karaoke bar one time and watching a six-foot bald guy with a gravelly voice and a tattoo on his neck sing Olivia Newton John's "Have You Never Been Mellow?" And it was brilliant. So by all means, reach for the stars here. This isn't American Idol.

Extra Credit: Recall the worst karaoke performance you ever heard (or, if you're brave, ever performed). You can change the names to protect the guilty if you like.

 

Okay, so what ONE song would I sing and why? At the moment it would be that Patty Loveless song "How Can I Help You to Say Good-bye?" and I would dedicate it to Lindz. This song has meant different things to me over the years and it's just taken on a new one. It became special to me when I moved in fifth grade. It symbolized me letting go of my friends and my town. It was my release. Every time I heard it I would cry because it reminded me of the dear friends and the dear town I left. Gradually, I didn't cry anymore. Then Liz moved. And it made me cry because I missed her. I literally fell down on the kitchen floor crying from it one time. Then last night happened. Lindz and I were talking online and we've been discussing this for a while but last night we both were breaking down. We were talking about whether I should move or not. And she told me to move. Regardless of the fact that I would be moving 100 miles and that I wouldn't be here with her anymore, she told me to move. Because moving would make me happy, in her opinion. I'm still not sure but my BEST friend told me to move because I'm not happy here. It means a sacrifice from her. I was in tears. We both were. She went away multiple times because she was crying. I just sat here and cried on my arms. By the time I realized there are tissues within arm's reach, I was already gone. I was soaked with tears so I didn't bother. I composed myself at one point, before I actually broke down and I called the local country radio station. The night DJ was on and I asked him if he would "please please please please please play me a song". Of course he made fun of me for "whining" and I said, "No. Seriously, would you please?" So he asks what song and I tell him my sob story. He talked to me for something like ten minutes, whereas most DJ's would have been like "Okay, I'll do my best." He talked to me and when I said something like how the station never played this song when I used to request it he said "Those b*stards!" I couldn't help but laugh. Good thing his bosses didn't hear it. He at one point told me to hold on a second and then he went and did his spiel thingy about what station it is and up next is Sara Evans's new song, Tonight. He came back and talked to me for another minute. Asked if there was any specific time that I wanted it on and I told him I'd probably be listening till midnight (I was). He played it next and then said "That's for Vickey in Penfield." after the song. I told Lindz to put on her radio and she said she wasn't near one. "Too bad. Find one. You've gotta turn your radio on now, hun." She did and she was listening to it. Then I wanna talk about Me by Toby Keith came on. Then Little Moments by Brad Pasiley. The DJ played about 20 mins of songs that I love without him knowing it. So, that is the song that I would sing. I would dedicate it to Lindz. To my best friend. How are we going to deal with it on the day that I move? If I move, that is.

Extra credit: I have never been to a karaoke bar or anywhere with a karaoke set except last Christmas Eve and two years ago on New Year's Eve. My cousin was probably the worse but she was six so nobody can blame her. I'll tell you how the karaoke goes at the lock-in though. I'm SO not singing. Unless they have How Can I Help You to Say Good-bye? I doubt it though. It'll probably be just Christian. Oh well.

Love always,
Vickey

I'm me. Deal.

I wrote this the other night at Lindz's... It wasn't really spurred by anything.

I'm not what you might expect. I'm not the same girl who some may want me to be. Screw 'em. I am who I am for a reason. If you don't like it, don't hang with me. I'm not who you may expect. I'm me. Christain, teenager, young woman, big sister, daughter, stepsister, stepdaughter, bestest friend, advice giver, Alanis-freak (when I'm mad), Aquarius-Pisces (born on the cusp), romantic, escapist, hopeful, confused, "mother".... I am me.

Love always,
Vickey

Photo scavenger hunt!!!!!

Yay! It may be Saturday but the Photo Scavengar Hunt ain't due until eight PM. So I'm still running on time. Now that all my stuff is saved and backed up, I'm all set to work on this. I  am currently uploading my resized photos. I've caught up on MOST journal entries. If I haven't commented, I probably did read but lacked the time to comment at that time. Sorry! It's about 1:30 and I'm still sitting here in my PJ's with my (awful) retainer in. I guess I'll go take it out. Don't have to wear it tonight since I've worn it for 2 waking hours today, if not more. hehe ^_^ Okay enough babble.

 

V is for Visage.... (I was half asleep at camp)

I is for ice cream.

C is for Cristen (one of my youth leaders).

T is for Tom.

O is for... hmmm might help if I upload ALL the pics I need!

O is for Oh no! I can't find my photos! Crap!

O is for Okay! Phew! Found 'em..... now, to continue....

O is for Oh, yeah! Which is symbolized by my cowboy hat cuz that's what I say.....

R is for Reese's peanut butter cups...

I is for Icicle.....

A is for angels....

 

E is for Enough mardi gras beads?

L is for lamp....

I is for "Image"... I was running out of ideas. There are a lot of "I"s in my name.... sorry about the blurriness....

Z is for zipper... on my favorite jeans!

A is for apple.

B is for button down shirt....

E is for Eye. As in Lindz's eye....

T is for teacup, my favorite one... I think I've been reading Sara's journal too much....

H is for Honey.

 

And there is Victoria Elizabeth spelled out in pictures. And some extra pictures that I took because I lost track....

R is for Rachel.

T is for timepieces.

 

So there is my first ever on time photo scavenger hunt. I have a much greater respect for those of you who do this regularly. It's tough than I thought!

Love always,
Vickey

survey thingies

I got this over at The Brunette Chronicles

FIRSTS
1. First best friend: Megan

2. First love: Ummm define love...

3. First real kiss: still waitin' on that one

4. First screen name: something ilke VE(insert last name) @juno.com or some variation of QTKat1234 at aol

5. First pet: Smokey, my kitty....

6. First car: Only one more year until I can tell ya what it is

1. Last cigarette: ummm in utero... before Mom found out she was pregnant

2. Last kiss: In my dreams... literally....

3. Last good cry: tonight... about moving... and I still haven't decided!

4. Last beverage drank: ummm..... chocolate milk?

5. Last food consumed: 1/2 a piece of cheese and before that a couple slices of pizza

6. Last crush: I think we all know that one... Tom!

7. Last phone call: No idea....

1. Who is your best friend: Lindsay, without a doubt.

2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: Hmmmm no

1. Where are your favorite places to shop: the mall

2. Type of clothing: comfy but not schumpy

SPECIFICS
1. Do you do drugs: NO

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Pantene Pro-V Classic Clean

3. What are you most worried about? life in general

4. What would you change about yourself: Physically or Mentally? Physically, I would get the blue to stick! Mentally, I would stop worrying and be more decisive.

FAVORITES
1. Colors: purple

2. Foods:  depends on my mood but chocolate covered strawberries always

3. Subject in school: lunch... my break... and some others but mostly lunch

4. Animals: kittens

5. Sports: don't play but i watch gymnastics and synchronized swimming

6. Movie: too many....

Have you....

1. Given anyone a bath: no

2. Smoked: no

3. Made yourself throw-up: nope

4. Skinny dipped: one day....

5. Been in love: Must I go over this again?

1. Clothes: comfy

2. Music: country, please

3. Make-up: black mascara, bronze-y eyeshadow, brown or black eyeliner, peach blush, chapstick or lip gloss

4. IMs: a billion a day

1. Hugged: Destiny

3. Last person who slept at your house: ummmm prolly Lindz

1. In the morning I am: what's morning?

2. Love is: beyond words

3. I dream(t) about: Tom the other night......

PAST/FUTURE
1. 7 years ago: I was just about to turn 8.

2. 4 years ago: turning 11.... pre 9/11

3. 3 years ago: turning 12... post 9/11, post split

4. 1 hour ago: sitting here, prolly crying

5. Tomorrow: will be boring as h-e-double hockey sticks

6. College: will get there on a scholarship, will get diploma, despite all odds

 

And was also sent this questionaire..... but am too lazy to e-mail it. So y'all can enjoy it.....

Subject: Getting to know you
This is a questionnaire to get to know them better. Read through the
comments below about your friend. Then make sure you read the instructions
at the bottom.
Have fun!

1. What time is it: way too late..... 11:14pm
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Victoria Elizabeth ********* (no, my last name isn't that long)
3. Nicknames: Sawyer, 4x4, Tink, chicky, doll, pumpkin

4. Piercing: one per ear
5. What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater? in theater, huh? Ummmm.... Shall We Dance.... no, something after that, right?
6. Eye Color: hazel to brown

7. Place of birth: Rochester, NY
8. Favorite foods: chocolate covered strawberries
9. Ever been to Africa: no... only going to Egypt
10. Ever been toilet papering: nope, i've been a good girl

11. Love someone so much it made you cry: yes!
12. Been in a car accident: yes but nothing serious

13. Croutons or bacon bits: both
14. Favorite day of the week: any day that lacks school and a reason to rise before 2pm
15. Favorite restaurant? Roadhouse
16. Favorite flower: Lilacs and roses
17. Favorite sport to watch: gymnastics
18. Favorite drink: currently? tea
19. Favorite ice cream: cookies 'n' cream
20. Disney or Warner Brothers: Disney
21. Favorite fast food restaurant: the golden arches (McDonald's)
22. What color is your bedroom carpet: beige *pukes*
23. How many times did you fail your driver's test: none. i haven't taken it.

24. Before this one, from who did you get your last e-mail: last one i read was AOL alerts
25. What store would you max out your credit card: umm assuming i have a credit card..... godiva

26. What do you do most often when you are bored: you're lookin at it
27. Bedtime: is often shot past.... 10pm
28. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest: nobody cuz it ain't an e-mail

29. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond: you?
30. Who are you most curious about : you
31. Favorite TV Shows: Desperate Housewives and General Hospital
32. Last person you went to dinner with: Dad and Joey
33. Ford or Chevy: Ford (since I am 4x4)
34. What are you listening to right now: the computer noises

35. What is your favorite color: purple
36. Lake, Ocean or river: Ocean
37. Time you finished this e-mail: not finished yet so will mark it with big XXXX and come back. am back. it is now 11:26. It took me about 15 mins.

38. Which came first the chicken or the egg: late. no think.
39. How many people are you sending this email to: the entire world
40. Where in the world would you most like to visit? europe...
41. Do you have any pets? they live with my grandmother

42. Where was the place you went on your first date? ummm date? what's that?
43. Flying or driving? Flying

44. What is your favorite holiday? any day that they cancel school

45. Favorite time of day? either sunrise or sunset
46. Favorite season? it's Rochester, the weather sucks year round. mostly fall though.

47. Shoe size? 7-ish
48. What are your hobbies? this

49. What is your favorite curse word? damn
50. What is your favorite noise? ummmm babbling brook/creek/ocean, water stuffs, or rain falling on a tin roof.... *sigh*
50.5- Favorite smell? my sister's head after a bath.... or fresh chocolate chip cookies

51. What is your least favorite noise? loudness?

Return directions:
Now, here's what you're supposed to do. and please do not spoil the fun.
Copy (NOT forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that
you will send.
Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a
whole
bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory
is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you

 

Now, time for bed. Good night.

Love always,
Vickey

Ummm maybe not?

Okay.... so this has to get done like, tonight to be on time but, if it's not, oh well. Here is my first ever on time photo scavenger hunt. ARGH! Just realized that sizing photos BEFORE uploading them is a better idea.... Fine. Will not post today. Will do tomorrow morning. Before my computer gets messed up. Argh.... Fine. It all works. Tonight couldn't get any better. Entries tomorrow. (((hugs)))

Love always,
Vickey

Patty Loveless

Through the back window of a '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her
And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase
I held a picture of our wedding day
His hands were trembling, we both were crying
He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away
I called up Mama, she said, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?

How can I help you to say goodbye?

 

 

How can I help you, hun? How can I help me? How can we do this? Do you see why this choice is so difficult? I haven't even made my decision yet and I'm sitting here bawling at that song. Once again. And once again, I requested it. I'll post the convo tomorrow (if I get permission from the other participant) so you all can understand what I mean.... Oh, and I'll tell the story behind it.

Love always,
Vickey

clarification?

For those of you who wondered if they had missed something when I wrote that entry about Lindz, I think her comment to that entry kinda explains it. It was based on something I read in an e-mail she wrote to someone. The link to that entry is My Two Cents. Now, I'm off to finish my melting process.

Love always,
Vickey

too lazy to title it

How Good is Your Attitude?

How Your Attitude Ranks
Your Attitude is Better than 35% of the Population
You have an average attitude. You take the good and bad in life as they come. Though sometimes you could use a little more good.


I am so far behind in journal reading. Expect comments on them soon. I swear. I got this from Promise.

Love always,
Vickey (who should be long asleep! I have an eight am midterm! GAH!)

*melts into a puddle of goo*

The past few entries are old ones. This is a current, as-I-type-I'm-making-it-up entry. I know, it's nearly midnight. I know, I have an exam tomorrow. But I'm a teenager. My hair didn't work. It's not blue. :( It didn't hold the dye so I'm not messing with it until I perm it. Which'll be near my birthday. My hand is covered in hearts. Yes, hearts. Over 300 of them. See the above picture. And I'm not done with it yet. Yes, it is Wednesday. I love Wednesdays. Lindz says I'm in love with him. I can't admit that. I can't say that I am. Whether it's true or not. And I don't think it is. I don't know him well enough. How can this be love? How can it be? I had a dream about him. One that's not going in here. But it was great. I woke up and told Lindz all about it. She was like "Oh, my gosh! Vickey!" because I don't dream about guys. But I can't get this one image out of my head. I'll tell about this part. It's my favorite part, too. He and I are lying in a bed and we're forehead to forehead and my eyes are shut. I can feel his eyes on me and he goes "Open your eyes. Aren't you going to be sociable?" And I tell him no, I'm not going to open my eyes. I did open them though and he moved his head back so we're farther apart (about a foot or whatever) and I start playing with his hair, like twirling it around my finger. And he laughs and I'm shaking (both in the dream and now as I write this). And we're about to kiss and in walks my aunt. And so I nearly shoot her. But it was great. I LOVED that dream. Best one I've had in a while. Oh, and wait for my photo scavenger hunt! Just wait. I got his picture. Lindz made him pose with me. Because it's my journal and her camera and she said so. And it's an awful picture and my eyes are closed because I blinked and I don't care. Okay, I couldn't resist. It's the second picture. So now I'm shaking, still. Oh, and before I go... we played CatchPhrase tonight. A bunch of us. Rachel came to youth group and it was great fun. And I sat next to Tom. And he might come ice-skating. But I gotta find out when. So now before I hyperventilate or have a seziure or something, good night. I wish you great friends, great times, and great love.

Love always,
Vickey

WTH?!

Midterm #1 in a few hours. I feel ick but what's new? I told Dad I need an appointment with my doctor so I can see if I am bipolar. he didn't respond so I tol dhim not to just brush it off, I need a doctor's appointment. He said "Consider it brused." If I am bipolar, it's not just "Oh well. Deal." It's more like "Okay, now what do we do to treat it?" Everybody thinks it's just stress or PMS or hormones but I don't think so. honestly, these are the people that were more than happy to say I was depressed two years ago but no, I can't be bipolar. "I don't notice extreme highs and lows in you." Are you in my body? Do you feel what I do? Then don't say I'm not! My father said he'd put me on the pill if I want so my PMS/mood swings aren't as bad. So I can go on the pill when I'm TWELVE(!) and I can see an OB/GYN but I can't be bipolar and I can't see my doctor? What the heck? Y'all know more about bipolar (esp. how it feels) than they do. They have the wrong facts. Maybe I'm not bipolar. But I need my doctor ot ocnfirm or deny it. Good night. I'm not bring paper to the test so I'll write more tomorrow.

Love always,
Vickey

Backslide.... :(

Six and one half weeks. I went six and a half weeks without being tempted. It came back, different than before. Still wanted to hurt myself but it was more of a physical need than a mental one. Which is harder to deal with in some ways. Even as I sit here writing this, I want to take my nails and scratch my wrist or leg. And it has more to do with wanting to feel pain than getting out these emotions. Yet it would force me to think about something other than the shitty day I had and how hard it is to decide. But I'm still just over two monthes free from self-injury. New experiment. Since it's a physical thing, a feeling of vulnerability on my wrists and ankles, I'm applying pressure to them. Wristband on one arm, bandana tied to the other. Soccer socks folded down to cover my feet and ankles. Guess I'm asleepin' like this. lol Well it's helping so don't knock it. Except the bandana is too loose compared to the wristband. Am trying to borrow one from Lindz for tomorrow. Must get another, if only for these moments since I don't wear wristbands. Seriously considering wearing this get up (including the PJ's) to school. lol Will do it, too. Should be in bed but am not tired. Guess I'll go dream of the one I'm meant to be with for now. Don't worry, I'll be fine. If you're reading this, I'm still alive. Check the PS for a quickie update on whether or not I turned into a bloody mess. Most likely not. G'night. Tomorrow is the last day of my first semeste5r of high school. My first midterm is 33 hours, exactly, from now. Yippee! ::sarcasm::

Love always,
Vickey

P.S. I never did hurt myself. I'm still SI free.

moving and chances

When it comes to moving (since that decision is still up in the air), I'm still torn. I've got my list of pros and cons but I can't decide. My "mega pros" for staying are Lindz, music/school systems, family, friends, youth group/church, german, Mrs. Lynch, and Tom. Yes, he ranks on that list. More on that in a minute though. But my "mega cons" are fighting, control, ultimatiums, not always accepted, and temptation may return. Mega Pros for moving include Mom, Ray, Sami, accepting environment, trust, the fact that I've never been tempted there, balance not dictatorship, and female influence. Mega Cons are starting over, few friends, unfamiliar, and the urge may return in times of change. I'm thinking of staying. Because of my friends, my youth group, and the possibility of what may be with Tom. Because if Tom is my next northern star, how can I leave and be haunted by what might have been? How can I deal with those ghosts? Yea, it might not happen or work out if I stay but it has a chance, a hope. How do I leave that glimmer of light, of chance, behind? The possibility is keeping me here. If we go for it and it doesn't work out and my heart does get broken, I'll stay out of youth group for a few weeks. Then, I'll go back and see if I can spend an hour so close, yet so far from him. I'm not going there just for him. That's important for you to know. I'm not. Just as you must know that Marley was dead to begin with, you must know that I don't go just because of Tom.

Love always,
Vickey

A poem and a half

Now that I have the computer chair to myself, I can actually type up my entries. Beware. There are probably a hundred or so of them. Here's a poem I wrote a while ago.

Magical snow
swirling down
as we play
all alone
Going down
falling
laughing
playing together
in the magical snow
snow angels
snow ball fights
running away from him
playfully screaming
laughing
slow motion
we come together
freezing
teeth chattering
hands shaking
we kiss.
softly
briefly
in the magical snow
all is right in the world
as long as you are near
we're together
we're allright
life is good
life is perfect
as long as he is near
I laugh
I fall
for him
I flirt
with him
He jokes
He's falling
for me
He flirts
right back
so long as we remember
that magical day
in the slow-falling snow
that one perfect kiss
that one perfect moment
life is good
life is fine
love is found
love fixes all

 

Guess who that poem was based on? Here's the first part of another poem. I wrote it all but I can't type it all because it's an acrostic poem and it's based on someone's name.

To search within my soul and find
Our love holding me together as they try to tear me apart
Means everything to my heart, mind, and sanity.

The one problem I have with typing all this up is that he might read this. I'm using him for the "T" in Victoria for the photo scavenger hunt. I'm getting the picture tonight. hehe ^_^ Onto the next entry....

Love always,
Vickey

Sunday Brunch

"I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to
have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my
face on their television screens." -Dwight D. Eisenhower

1) What sitcom have you seen every episode of? None of 'em.
2) What sitcom makes you laugh until you cry? Different episodes of different shows.
3) What sitcom do you wish had not been cancelled? Friends and Sex and the City
4) What sitcom do you wish they WOULD cancel? LOST just to see the look on Sayid and Jack's faces.... LOL not really cuz "it's the best bloody peanut butter I've ever had". I don't know.
5) Who is your favorite sitcom character, either past or present? Ummmm Rachel/Pheobe from Friends, Piper/Prue/Pheobe from Charmed, and prolly about a million other things people. They're just very intriguing characters. Each have different things I admire about them.

Time to go pack up my stuff for Lindz's. Expect more later.

Love always,
Vickey

Sunday Soup

From over at Bri's journal.....
Soup of the week: Would you rather..?   

These are the circumstances: a powerful deity descends from on high and informs you that, for reasons beyond your understanding, your life is about to change. He allows you to choose between two possible fates, and asks you "Would you rather..."

1. a) Slide down a 50-foot razor blade into a vat of alcohol, OR b) Suck all of the snot out of a dog's nose until it's head caves in? Uh, neither? If forced to choose, the first. Snot is disgusting. As are dog noses.

2. a) Be born with a refrigerator attached to your back, OR b) Have a magnetic head? Magnetic head, thank you very much.

3. a) Have 15 nails hammered into your tongue, OR b) Have flares shoot from your nostrils every time you say the word "THE"? Would the flames hurt me? Ahh, well. Flames. I'll just speak Tarzan.

4. a) Have a footlong eyelash you can never pluck, OR b) An earlobe the size of a baskteball? How do you come up with these things? Can I cut the eyelash? I'll take that one.

5. a) Hit every red light for the rest of your life, OR b) Always be wrong? Red lights, please.

Until next week, that's the Sunday Soup. (Yes, I am catching up on journal entries right now.)

Love always,
Vickey

Saturday Six (yea, I know. It's Tuesday.)

1. Which of the following is your favorite store and why?  
A) Wal-Mart
B) Target because it's close
C) K Mart
D) Sears

2. How far does your closest friend who's not in the same town as you live, and when was the last time you saw them in person? My closest friend? As in how close they live or as in how close we are? Either way it's probably Jaci (or Tori). Or Lindz. She now lives in the next county. So ya know what, Jaci lives about 3/4 an hour away, Tori lives 17 miles away, and Lindz lives 5 mins/half an hour away (depending on the house). I saw Jaci way too long ago. Same with Tori. Lindz I saw Sunday.

3. Have you ever gone on a date with someone you met online?  Would you? Hello? This is ME. I've never been on a date period. I probably would not.

4. What is your favorite novel and what makes it stand out for you? Just one? Umm.... depends on my mood. I like way too many novels.

5. You get snowed in at your home for three days.  You have power and telephone service, but no way to leave the house.  How will you amuse yourself? Three days? Just me or me and my family? I'll say just me. I'd read a buncha books and watch some old movies. I'd just do some normal stuff. Do my nails, nice relaxing hot bathes, stuff like that.

6. A fellow journaler you consider a friend disappears from J-land.  Visitors leave comments in the journal but they get no response.  You send the journaler an E-mail to make sure everything is okay, and despite the fact that you see that it has been read, you get no reply.  What do you do? Wait a minute. You can see that something got read? I've already done this before. I just worried. I can't do anything, really. I wish there was something I could do but I'm still just worried about Brandon.

So what that it's now Tuesday? I can still do the Saturday Six. Hope ya enjoyed it.

Love always,
Vickey

Short thingies

You Are 16 Years Old 16
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

 

Yeah, that sounds like me. So I act a bit older than I am. A year and a month, in fact. What age do you act?

If ya can't read that cuz I shrunked it (thanks to somebody who sent me the link to IranView but unfortunately, I can't recall who), it says, "Warning! Your drama level is rising dramatically. It is recommended that you sign offline before you go into overload." The buttons are "Sign off!", "Ignore drama-causer.", and "Continue converstaion." Which is NOT a real error message. Just one that I created. You can create one, too. Sorry if I messed up that link. Will update later.

Love always,
Vickey

The play

Ever seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Preformed by high schoolers? Damn good high schoolers? [Note: Opps! I said I wouldn't say the damn word again today. Well, I wrote this last night.] Good friends of yours? I have! Tonight. Murph and Jake. I'm crashing now but that was amazing! Jake shaved his head! As did Murph! Eyes won'te let me write more as energy is too low to keep open and move pen at same time. Will write more tomorrow. Great job, boys!

I'm now sitting here, bored, in German. The play was great. Jake wasn't a crazy person. *pouts* He should've been. He's nuts. Murph was the "head goose looney". I'm serious. And he's "quite good at palm reading". He was Dale Harding for those of you who know the play. It was a great play. Jake got lifted in the air by Chief Bromden and let out this huge yell. The theater cracked up with laughter. I was laughing well into the next scene. It was hilarious! [Note: what the heck is going on outside? It's pounding and hurting my head. Must go investigate. Am now sufficently worried. But it's not Mum. Will write about it in a few.] *still laughing* His mom drove Lindz and I home. The three of *INTERRUPTION ENTRY BEFORE THIS ONE SHOULD GO HERE* Back to your regularly scheduled entry..... The three of us sat in back, I in the middle. Lindz decided to tickle me. So I'm sitting there with my coat and purse on my lap, trying to get away from her. Finally, I told Jake to hold my stuff while I grab Lindsay's hands to keep her from tickling me. I wound up sitting on her lap with her hands tightly in mine so she couldn't escape. We all were laughin. I got dropped off (read: got outta the car, hugged Jake, rubbed his head, and went inside) first. Went upstairs still high on life and texted Lindz. Went to write and had no energy to do so. I crashed before 11. When I got up, I was basically dead. I look it, too. And the stuff I use under my eyes everyday (that I bought in the summer of '03) broke this morning. Which means Dad gets to take me to Wegman's this afternoon before Mom comes. So I can look dead. I'll just laugh my way through the day. I look like this for a damn [there it is again] good reason; supporting a friend. Plus guys don't seem to care. I can look and feel like total isht and at least one guy will hit on/flirt with me. So apparently looks don't mean a thing.

 

Okay, I've got some more to type up but have to go. Mom'll be here any minute. Thoughts, prayers, good vibes, and love to you all.

Love always,
Vickey

FIRE!

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. It's on fire. It's fucking on fire. I'm sorry about my language but OH MY GOD IT'S ON FIRE! Pray for them, please. Please. The townhouse kiddy-corner to us is on fire. I know the people that live in that townhouse. It's Devin's house. Oh my God. I've never seen a burning building. It's literally burning. It's a house. A house is burning. In my backyard. That's what the pounding was. There was someone at my door. Oh my God. In times of crisis, I turn to my best friend. Yep, my first call (okay my first after I told Mom to come in the right way) was to Lindz. Who is now making me laugh my arse off. It was a three alarm fire. It destroyed three units. Oh my gosh. (You can tell I'm better when I stop using all caps and when I use gosh instead of G-d.) The building is destroyed. The top of the second to last unit is black. Absolutely black. Some kids were playing with matches and their couch lit on fire. I'm just shocked. I'm in utter shock. Honestly. Okay, back to what I was writing. Please, pray for them. Nobody was hurt but material possessions were lost. Please pray for them.

Love always,
Vickey

Party, baby!

Weekend Assignment #44: Recollect for all a humorous story of a party gone wrong. Emphasis on humorous -- Don't bring the room down with a stories that lead to divorces or the loss of a toe or anything (well, maybe the toe one would be okay, so long as it was your toe, and you can laugh about it now). Also remember that here on AOL, we do like to keep things in the "PG" range. You know what I'm talking about here.

Extra Credit: Party pictures, of course! (not necessarily of the same party you write about for the Weekend Assignment. Just, you know, you having fun in a party setting.)

Okay, so wait... me party? HA! I could write about Jake's party but I feel I've covered that pretty well. (BTW: that's two seperate links. One on Jake's and one on party.) I could write about any number of birthday parties but most aren't humorous. Ummm.... I could write about my going away party where my mother ruined 1/2 the night for me. So which do you think is humorous? I'll write about a couple of 'em. But I ain't coverin' Jake's party again. You wanna find out, you go read it, kay? Kay. *angelic grin*

Party gone wrong? Birthday. 2003, right? Nope. Apparently 2001. So it sucked. At the time. It was Lindz. And me. And nobody else. And it sucked because I missed all my Marion friends and they all got grounded or forgot and didn't bother to tell me. So I hated it because it was just a normal sleepover with a girl that I still thought was weird. Not my best friend. Not how I wanted to spend my birthday. Now, I love Lindz. She's great. (Just covered that though.) I love having sleepovers with her but for my birthday, I like having more than one friend over, ya know? So yea. That's my eleventh birthday party.

This year, my party was at an arcade/bowling alley/dance club/restaurant/awesome place that's no longer in my city.:(  Anyhow, yea. So it was a bowling/arcade party and I LOVED it. Sheli, Colleen, Lindz, Ashley, Cindy, Liz, and me. We had a BLAST. We kept changing the names on the bowling thing. I don't even know who I was by the end of our last game. But I wore my cowboy hat. It was new at that time and I loved it (still do and just wore it Wednesday to make me smile through youth group as if I needed help). It kept getting stolen. My friends liked it too. At one point, they named me Shania Twain. Ummm I'm not but that's okay. Sheli, Liz, and Lindz slept over. We went to the diner (Gail's diner) for dinner that night. Liz was in her "eating makes me sick" stage and Sheli decided it was because she was born to be vegan. Liz spilt my Dr. Pepper all over the table so we switched to another one. Just us girls. The guys sat at a different table. When we were done eating, we drove home, in the trunk. I love sitting in the trunk. Us girls did something and we wound up sitting in my bedroom with just candlelight illuminating the room. Liz and Lindz made T-shirts (that they still have and cherish) and I filled in a questionaire from the National Student Something-or-other. Sheli, of course, raided my bookshelf. Liz and I walked to the pond at one point and just talked. Lindz and Sheli caught up, much to Liz's chagrin. There wasn't much "drama" at the party. I guess there was no "gone wrong" part. We had a blast. I don't remember the next day but I remember the cool air (it was in April, I think, definitly NOT near my birthday) and laying in the grass with Lindz and Sheli and just talking and hanging out. My cake had a picture of "Europe", the Eiffel Tower, Leaning Tower of Piza, stuff like that. It was a great party.

The party my mother ruined. I'm not pleased at all with how it turned out. I was in fifth grade and my parents decided that we were going to move. (Okay, it's more complicated but this is a weekEND assignment, not a month long assignment.) So I'm upset. I just want to stay with my friends. boohoo, tear, sob, sigh. Fine. But I'm having a going away party. With all my friends. Here. In our house. The week before we move. So I got my party. I had 30+ friends. Way too many. I didn't know who was where and we had a few fights over music. (It's my party, I decide. Mom, you DJ.) So ya know that game telephone? Where a "secret" goes around the room and the last person to hear it says it outloud and it's never the same? Well Mummy Dearest started. I was seated two away from her (Mummy, Katie, and then me). This thing goes around and I'm expecting something whatever, ya know? It gets to me and I jump up and run to my (half-packed) room in tears. My mother passed around the "secret" that "Vickey likes Adam P*******". Vickey has detested him since she first laid eyes on him. It's a family joke though because we were in the same class for K, 1, 2, 4, and 5. NOT FUN! As I run upstairs, I hear Katie going, "What? What was it? I never heard it." My mom came after me and found me on my bed with my head in my pillow, sobbing. Finally she (and some of my concerned friends) convince me to come downstairs and re-join the party. So I do and I had a blast, eventually. Ali (not the one who is dealing with the drama right now), Amberly, Kristen, and I had a sleepover. It was a blast but I don't remember much of it. So after my mother 1/2 ruined it, something was salvaged of the night.

Oh, and my tenth birthday party! THAT was fun. Amberly and Tori slept over and we had the usual ten year old girl blast. We did our hair, make-up, and MASH (a game that ten year old girls.... correction: a game that girls and some guys begin at the age of ten and don't stop until they turn ummm.... I'll tell you when I stop... anyhow, it tells your "future"). We stayed up until 2am. Amberly kept sleep walking and then Tori (my bff at the time) started it. Apparently, I walked into a wall and said, "Can I have a frozen youghurt please?" which I find ridiculous since a) I've never sleepwalked before or after then and b) I'd never had frozen youghurt before I moved. Around 2, I got fed up and tired and I went into my barbie plastic tent :-[ and tried to sleep. It didn't happen. We wound up on the couch at 3 am and we slept there (me 1/2 on the floor, of course). We slept soundly and until morning. It was great. Seriously.

So any other parties coming to mind? Not at the moment. But most of those were good stories. No "gone wrong". Ah well. So I broke the rules. Most of 'em weren't downers though (well that one about my mom could be but focus on the others!). This was a cool assignment. I'm off to pack up for a weekend "retreat". LOL I'm goin' to my mummy's. (I'm feeling like using un-American words like that. Like British or Australian or Irish or whathaveyou. So I am. DEAL!) I'll be back on though, I'm sure. This IS me. Ciao for now, bambinos!

Love always,
Vickey

My two cents

I feel like I have to say this. Lindz is my best friend. She's a great person. She's funny and kind. She's supportive. She always knows when to tell me what I want to hear and when to tell me what I need to hear. Sometimes there's a difference and sometimes there's not. She knows when to make me talk, when I'll talk without her prodding, when to let me just be quiet. She'll tease me until just before I get fed up. Others don't have that knowledge. They'll push me until I break and then not know why I'm yelling. Lindz knows me better than I know myself sometimes. She can, and has, told me how I feel about a guy. She knows how much I like Tom, agrees when I say that my heart is in major trouble, knows how hurt I'll be if we decide to go for it and it doesn't work out. She's told me that I like someone and I deny it but two weeks later, I'll admit that she was right. She's my best friend in the truest sense. We not only finish each other's sentences but we can share them. Like when we were describing the tuba-ruba to my dad. SHe has made some bad decisions but that doesn't mean she's a bad person or that I shouldn't hang out with her. The first is untrue and the second is not only untrue but a great way to make me incredibly mad. So don't judge her or blame her. Don't tell me I shouldn't be friends with "someone like that" because you don't know her. Maybe I've portrayed her badly. Because I need to write the bad stuff, to sort it out, but often I feel like if I share the good stuff it'll take some of the joy away. Like our "childhood memories on TV" or us just shooting the breeze. I can't adequately portray how great those times are. Or even when we have serious talks, like Sunday night. Lindz is my best friend. She's got a piece of my heart. Forever. If you don't like that, it was nice knowing you.

Love always,
Vickey

WOOHOO!

*snaps for Dad* I'm allowed to date. Yay! There are rules though. Until I'm 16, I can't be alone with a guy. Group dates are fine and some double dates (but not with Lindz and Ricky. Ricky being the emphasis. And no longer a problem since she just broke up with him. That story later.) Until I move out, the guy has to meet Dad. He can come over and hang out in the basement (we've got a pool/ping-pong table, TV, PS2, couches, stereo, and some other stuff down there.). I asked, "So I can have a boyfriend but there has to be at least one other person there?" And he goes, "Let me think about that one." "Kay but I can have a boyfriend?" "Yeah." "Kay. G'night." I went upstairs to finish my homework and text Lindz. Homework was done by ten. Bible + praying + texting with Lindz = 10:50 lights out = tired Vickey. But very happy and relaxed. Lindz has saying, "Tommy and Vickey sittin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g..." all day long and I blush and tell her to "shut up, dork". My head is clear enough to do schoolwork when I want. My heart is a different story as is my stomach. And I don't want to do my schoolwork so my head is spinning with thoughts of un-schoollike things. If teachers took attendance on mental state, I'd be absent all day.

Love always,
Vickey

Spiritual teasing.... :(

I have been growing stronger in my faith lately. I've been reading my Bible, praying, growing to youth group and church, and prayerfully considering choices. And I've been teaased for my faith. Arse in german class told me, "Vickey, just go pray." Well, I will. I will pray for his soul. I know he doesn't like the fact that I'm alive and he never has but to attempt to insult me with my faith? That's low. Even for him. I guess Satan is giving me some of that extra attention. In response to that, I ignored him, finished telling Chris about the fuzz on his hat, and put on my cross necklace (which was in my pocket). I'm hurt. Not because of who said it or what he said but because he thought it would, because someone looked down from his self-righteous high horse on me because I have Christ in my heart for ever and ever. He will be with me eternally because when I pass into the next world, I'm goin' to Heaven to be with Him eternally. That's what he promised. "Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. ANyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life." 1 John 5:10-13. Eternal life means after this world, in Heaven. Eternal death is seperation from God. So there's my spiritual gobbelty gook for the day.

Love always,
Vickey

Random facts

Okay, I'm not really sure if or who originally started this but, I know that B has it in her journal. So I'm makin' a list of random facts. Enjoy.

I like strawberry ice cream, like strawberries with sugar or chocolate but hate the bits of strawberries in ice cream and hate them plain.

I've had a crush on Sam Malone from Cheers for years.

I hate my big toes. They nail grows under the skin and is all *shudder* ew.

I sometimes think about making awful decisions that would totally mess up my life.

One thing I can't wait to do is fall in love, get married, and have a baby.

I've never considered life without Christ.

I appreciate the beauty in the human body.

Enjoying a sculpture/painting/other work of art involving the female body does not make me lesbian or bisexual. It makes me an artist.

Staying up way too late is a bad habit in which I often partake.

I can't eat breakfast for hours after I wake up. It makes me sick.

My favorite pop-tarts are cinnamon & sugar and chocolate fudge (which I'm eating right now).

I have had crushes on my teachers.

I'll put off doing my homework so I can paint my nails. I've done it before.

Black is probably the color I wear most often.

I live in blue jeans and cotton shirts.

I walked out of school in seventh grade.

I've debated everyone from Ricky to Pastor Tom on the issue of gay rights.

A dork is a sperm whale's penis. Seriously.

Wearing my glasses often makes me feel scummy and/or tired. Today, it didn't.

The strangest things bug me but not all the time. Like my boots right now but not five minutes ago.

I like garage sales and thrift stores. I wear the clothes. After I wash them. In fact, the jeans I'm wearing right now are from a garage sale my mom was at. My favorite jeans are from a trift store.

I've never been closer to a best friend than with Jaci (at one point) or Lindz (off and on again).

My favorite anything changes with my mood. Except my favorite color. That's always purple.

I  love to write and would rather do this than class but I hate English class. I love to read and would rather read than class but I hate the reading assignments. Even if I like the book.

I hate not grasping a concept immediately.

I swear. Like a truck driver. Too much.

I love talking surveys and quizzes. But not school quizzes.

I only wear rings on my left ring finger.

I slept through the only earthquake in my town in my life.

In 1993, my cousin was over and we had a tornado warning. We all went into the basement. Jeff and I were bored so Dad went upstairs and got us some toys. There was no tornado.

I got blonde highlights. Right before seventh grade. Shortly after, I created this screenname. I also cut my bangs and got my eyebrows tweezed.

I don't mind taking notes but I'd rather not.

When we moved to our new house in fifth grade, I was so bored with my 10 day vacation without friends that I made up math problems and spelling quizzes. I've always loved to play school but not necessarily go to school.

School itself is okay but not the waking up early.

I like math as long as I understand it. But seventh grade math gave me a major headache every class. Not from the work. From my teacher's constant use of the overhead projector.

 

That's all the random facts for today. Enjoy! Oh, and now I really am getting offline. And guess what? 24 hours and 16 minutes.......

Love always,
Vickey

Kinda long survey, baby!

What do you call:

A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks? a brook

What's the thing you push around the grocery store called? my mother?

A metal container to carry a meal in? a metal one? old school

The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in? a pan

The piece of furniture that seats three people? couch

The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof? gutter

The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening? porch

Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages? yummy

A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup? waffles (ew)

A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself? sub (unless I'm in RI with Liz. Then it's a hoagie. Or is it a Jimmy?)

The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach? swim trunks

Shoes worn for sports? sneakers

Putting a room in order? awful

A flying insect that glows in the dark? lightening bug

The little insect that curls up into a ball? potato bug

The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down? teeter-totter

How do you eat your pizza? cold, the next day. extra cheese please!

What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff? garage sale

What's the evening meal? dinner

The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are? basement

What word(s) do you use to address a group of two or more people? Hey, y'all!

Would you say "Are you coming with?" as a full sentence, to mean "Are you coming with us?"? Nope but I know people that do.

Would you say "where are youat?" to mean "where are you?" See above

Modals are words like "can," "could," "might," "ought to," and so on. Can you use more than one modal at a time? Yea... shoulda coulda woulda oughta mighta

What do you call the area of grass between the sidewalk and the road? stupid?

What do you call the area of grass that occurs in the middle of some streets? median

What do you call the long narrow place in the middle of a divided highway? median

What do you call the drink made with milk and ice cream? milkshake or smoothie (if with fruit)

What do you call the miniature lobster that one finds in lakes and streams for example (a crustacean of the family Astacidae)? shrimp?

What do you call the kind of spider (or spider-like creature) that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs? gross

What nicknames do/did you use for your maternal grandmother? Grandma [insert whatever her last name is] or just Grandma

What about your paternal grandmother (is there a distinction?) Gramma

What do/did you call your maternal grandfather? ASSHOLE!

paternal grandfather? last time I saw him? Grandpa

What do you call the big clumps of dust that gather under furniture and in corners? dust bunnies

What term do you use to refer to something that is across both streets from you at an intersection (or diagonally across from you in general)? kiddy corner

What do you call the activity of driving around in circles in a car? 360 or donut

What do you call paper that has already been used for something or is otherwise imperfect? ummm paper?

What is your *general* term for a big road that you drive relatively fast on? highway

What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining? YAY! Rainbow

When you are cold, and little points of skin begin to come on your arms and legs, you have- brrrrr.... goose bumps

What do you call the gooey or dry matter that collects in the corners of your eyes, especially while you are sleeping? eye crusty things (or just ew)

What do you call an easy course? easy A (most of my classes)

What do you call a traffic situation in which several roads meet in a circle and you have to get off at a certain point? ummmm Washington?

What is the thing that women use to tie their hair? hair tie, scrunchie, barrette, depends on the thing

Do you use the word cruller? what's it mean?

Do you use the term "bear claw" for a kind of pastry? Yea but I don't eat 'em.

What do you call someone who is the opposite of pigeon-toed (i.e. when they walk their feet point outwards)? I don't.

Can you call coleslaw "slaw"? Nope

What do you call the box you bury a dead person in? coffin

Do you say "vinegar and oil" or "oil and vinegar" for the type of salad dressing? I don't.

What do you call it when a driver changes over one or more lanes way too quickly? Stupid driving?

When you stand outside with a long line of people waiting to get in somewhere, are you standing "in line" or "on line" (as in, "I stood ___ in the cold for two hours before they opened the doors")? In line

Do you say "frosting" or "icing" for the sweet spread one puts on a cake? depends. frosting is for cakes, icing is for cookies

What is "the City"? Rochester/NYC

What is the distinction between dinner and supper? There ain't none.

Do you cut or mow the lawn or grass? Well, I don't but ya mow it.

Do you passin homework or hand in homework? pass it up and hand it in.

What do you call the insect that looks like a large thin spider and skitters along the top of water? June bug (I think) EW

What do you call the thing from which you might drink water in a school? drinking/water fountain

What do you call a public railway system (normally underground)? subway/metro (depends on the city)

What do you call the act of covering a house or area in front of a house with toilet paper? TPing

What do you call a traffic jam caused by drivers slowing down to look at an accident or other diversion on the side of the road? rubber-necking

What do you call the paper container in which you might bring home items you bought at the store? bag

What do you call the night before Halloween? Mischief Night

What do you call the end of a loaf of bread? Icky.

What do you call a point that is purely academic, or that cannot be settled and isn't worth discussing further? my opinion

How do you pronounce the -sp- sequence in "thespian" (the word meaning "actor")? th-es-p-in

What do you call a drive-through liquor store? wrong

What do you call food that you buy at a restaurant but then eat at home? takeout

What do you say when you want to lay claim to the front seat of a car? Shotgun!

Do you say "expecially", or "especially"? Especially

 

That was long but interesting. If you're still reading, God bless ya. LOL I got that from.... uh.... I don't know. Let me find it. But first, another quiz result that I got from the same journal.

You may think you are an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is you are a good person at heart. Yeah sure, you can have a mean streak in you, but most of the people you meet like you. I'm 30% a******/b****. (Can ya tell I'm trying to not swear?)

Oh, I'm dumb. I got this from Interest, one of Barb's journals.

And another result..... I am putting this off way too much.

You Are a White Cotton Bra!

Practical, comfortable, and classic
You want your man to feel relaxed and himself with you
Your perfect guy is low maintenance and adaptable
And he makes you feel comfy and cozy too!

Okay, that's it. Before I take too many more of these quizzes, I'm gettin' off. I may as well start a new journal (as Barb did) to hold all my quiz results and surveys. I take enough of 'em. Time to get off........ Okay. I'll just copy the entries from the past day or two.

Love always,
Vickey

Three Things

   So I know I did a version of this a while ago but I'm doin' it anyhow. Taken from Promise.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Cutting
02 | Suicide (or the threat of)
03 | My own heart
-----------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
01 | Tom
02 | My sister
03 | Ray (my idiot stepdad)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE (truly and deeply):
01 | My babies (my cats)
02 | music
03 | God
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | not knowing who I am for real
02 | disease
03 | hate
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | why anyone would kill themself
02 | Love
03 | war (stole the last two answers!)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY COMPUTER DESK:
01 | FLYlady cling
02 | binder
03 | CD player with twentysomething in it
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | this survey thingy
02 | killing time
03 | thinking bout somebody...
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: (not in any order..lol)
01 | Marry the One for me
02 | Have children
03 | Find out who I am inside (lol, Mulan, lol)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | Write
02 | Sing (somewhat)
03 | Love
----------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | Compassionate
02 | Loving
03 | Mood-dependant
-----------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:
01 | gorgeous brown hair
02 | big, (far too) expressive eyes
03 | flirtatious smile (stealing answer)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO(just yet):
01 | Decide where to live
02 | Stop fighting with my dad
03 | Stop swearing
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | my rantings and ravings (which you are by reading this!)
02 | Jamie Cullum (Yes, I am addicted!)
03 | your own heart (another stolen answer)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | Petra (how Gumpy ever listened to it, I'll never know.)
02 | Criticism
03 | My rantings and ravings (lol)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | [explicit deleted]
02 | Dork.
03 | Hey, freak.
-----------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | Tacos
02 | Cold cheese pizza (like the day after we order it)
03 | Some concotion my dad makes with chicken and cheese and spices and rice on a tortilla with sour cream
-----------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | more languages (French, Italian, Spanish, etc.)
02 | how to cook
03 | who the h*** I am! (yet another answer I've stolen)
-----------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | chocolate milk
02 | water
03 | soda
-----------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Sesame Street (last one stolen, I promise)
02 | Barney
03 | Legends of the Hidden Temple (LOL, LINDZ!), Finders Keepers (NOT!), Global GUTS, Double Dare (Family Style), and Figure It Out! (Lindz, are you laughin' yet?)

So there it is. Time to stop procrastinating and go finish the English homework that was due today.....

Love always,
Vickey

Yeah really sick of making decisions.

Okay, so I was at church for the night service. Yay! It was grand. I stayed after for about two hours. Then Lindz and I went over to Alisha's house til Lindz's mom got there. We talked with Pastor and his wife. I'm in a great mood. I was sliding on the floors in my socks and it was great. Then Lindz gave me some ultra slippery socks and I was crashing into walls. It was amazing. So I'm having a carrot party with coffee and the mayor. hehe ^_^

I have a private journal on AOL and since I created it I've been wondering whether or not I should let some people read it. It's not much. Only about 6 entries long so far. But if anyone wants access, let me know. I'm sick of making decisions. Y'all decide if you want access. I'll hook ya up with a link/permission.

Love always,
Vickey.........

who is going to get some coffee soon......

and who cannot wait for Wednesday again.......

Warning: Lindz might randomly write an entry in here! Oh, and she will also have the Joshua Revolution stuff up before my birthday/the lock-in. Which is on the same day. February 20.