Thoughts

It's one am and I should so be asleep but I just can't get myself to go lay down and try to sleep. So I've talked to Lindz, debated drinking a shot of Jack Daniels (I didn't), and nearly made myself puke trying to get the tuna out of the back of my throat. My friend Ali's really sick. She has CF and she's in the hospital. She'll be there til Monday. The doctors don't want her to leave but they're not making her stay. They say she only has a month left to live. She'll be 19 in December. I don't believe the doctors. I think she'll see the year 2006. I don't know why I feel this way or why I am so convinced or why it seemed more real when I didn't know the length of time but, that's the way it is. I can't articulate anything too well at this hour. I have a billion entries to catch up with but I just can't motivate myself to do it. I need to get into a routine but, I keep getting thrown off. Idk what it is but, something throws me off and I get hopelessly behind in so many aspects of my life. Tonight just isn't very good for me. I'll be better in the morning. I'll write more then. For now, get some sleep if you're still on. And if you're reading this Sunday morning, good morning. :)

Vickey

Flawed Beauty

I remember this one time I went to this mother-daughter makeover thing with my mom. They taught up how to use makeup and what shades were the right ones to use for us and whatnot. I was the youngest person there. It must have been spring of 2001 or fall of 2000. I still see some of the older girls at school so they must have been about 15-16-ish. I remember going to the bathroom when she put the concealer on my face. When I came back, I refused to use it because I didn't want to admit I had flaws. I didn't want to admit that my face had mistakes. Like the bags that are under my eyes. Or the pimples I now get. Or the fact that my nose is always pink. I couldn't admit this when I was 10 or 11. I couldn't admit it. And so I didn't use concealer. I still don't use concealer but for different reasons. I don't use it now because it doesn't look natural because I don't know how to do it. Because I didn't try to do it then. I am NOT perfect. I have dark-circles under my eyes. They are there. They are not possible to ignore. They are the result of heredity, sleep deprivation, and dehydration. My nose is red. Especially when I get cold. My face is PALE. I NEVER have a tan. Even in the summer. I can't run a mile in less than 11 minutes let alone in under 9. I am not perfect. I have flaws. And I will always have them. Those circles under my eyes? They're permanent. I can't even HIDE them most of the time. It is five years later and I know that it's okay to be "flawed". It's okay to ADMIT you have flaws and mistakes and imperfections. Because beauty is not in symetry. It is not in looking perfect. It is in the imperfections, the "mistakes". Cindy Crawford's mole? Some view it as a deformity. It made her famous. Guess what? I have a mole EXACTLY like that only on the left side of my face. I've gotten comments on my "imperfection". Positive comments. I have big brown eyes. That I love. Maybe I'm not a size zero, blue-eyed, big boobed, tiny waisted blonde. But I am a size 5, brown-eyed, small chested brunette with a J.Lo butt and the hips to go with it. And would I change places with a blue-eyed, size zero, blonde if I could? Sometimes. But I LOVE my eyes. I LOVE the gorgeous colors in my hair. I wouldn't have big boobs even if I could. And that J.Lo butt and hips sure do get noticed on the dance floor for all the right reasons. Some consider brown hair or a small chest flaws. Some think being a size five with hips is horrific. I don't see it that way. I have "flaws". I have "imperfections". But I say, God made me the way I am for a reason. And I intend to use it to my advantage. The guy for me will love my brown hair and my small chest rather than lusting after a busty blonde. I am not what the media would see as perfect. I am not what some see as beautiful. By their standards, I am imperfect. I am flawed. And I am ugly. But by admitting my "flaws" and owning up to them, I accept them and I embrace them. And I become beautiful in my confidence.

Commitment

First, my comment alerts are malfunctioning. So if I leave a comment or send you an e-mail (this is more with Doors of the Season than with normal commenting) saying "I can't wait to hear from you" or whatnot, forgive me, please! Second, I commit here and now before all of you as my witnesses to FLY my way through this holiday season. I will declutter my room, I will make my cookie dough before I need it done, I will make my Christmas cards and come up with an idea for the Christmas countdown before December 1. Since we're hosting Christmas Eve this year, I'll be on top of that too. I'll plan out what I'm getting or making for whom and when I'll need to work on that. Not to mention my job. I need to get on top of that. (I need my work permit and a job application for Wegman's. And I hope I get that job.) I will not be stressing out this holiday season because I will be on top of my game. Thanks to FLYlady and the Holiday Control Journal. But before I start seriously thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have to go carve my pumpkin. Halloween is less than two weeks away!

Old entries

10/6
He hugged me this morning and that's all that's keeping me from breaking down. I lost my cell. Mom's gonna kill me. I'm praying it either fell out in Becky's car or I left it on Lindz's bed. I can feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders. My chiro got it out yesterday, then Aric kept it out, then paper burning released anger and frustration and left calm. Now the tension is back and I'm dead. Missed LOST last night but had immense fun laughing and blushing at Pizza Hut for over 2 hours! Aric is amazing. I love him. But it's Josh's hug that keeps me going this morning.

Hahaha. Fire alarm went off. Now the whole school is outside. Somebody pulled the alarm. Found Josh. Bryan found me. They were hacking a pear but now they're off somewhere with a sack. I'm just killing time. Sitting down, writing. Poetry, blog entries. Wishing I had followed them. Knowing I'm more secure here than I would be there. We're at the point when people start getting bored and tired of standing. So ppl are sitting down on wet grass or the luckier ones are on pavement like me. I've got For Good stuck in my head again/still. Btw: if you don't read this, no harm done. It's just passing time. So if all of them just passed me, where's Josh? I swear, if he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes. And if he doesn't, we won't go out b/c I'm not asking him out.
I'm getting excessively bored. I should just go walk and find somebody but I don't completely fit in with the corner crowd. I'm a little more conservative than they are. I don't smoke, do drugs, or have sex while most of them do at least one of those three.
Okay, so the firemen have come and went. I don't see why we're still outside. It's been about an hour. I'm missing lunch now. How much does that suck? I know one thing: it's not Josh's fault this time.
Lindz makes new friends pretty easily whereas I don't. I'm shy and withdrawn until I get to know someone. Then, I'm nuts. When the self-consciousness and shyness fade, the craziness creeps in. (What a day to lose my cell.) So I've been sitting here by myself singing For Good, writing a new song and writing this crap. Wish I could find Lindz, Jack, Sayid, or Russo. Or Josh. Or get over my shyness and insecurities and go sit w/Alex or someone. Now, I am one lost in a sea of cliques. I may as well just leave. But I don't b/c last time I walked off campus, I got caught and in trouble (aka 2 day suspension plus tutoring at the Foreman Center).
Just so freaking bored. It's nearly *interrupted by Josh*
So I went over w/Josh and felt throughly out of place. Then they let us in but we're in lockdown mode. I missed 1/2 of German, all of bio, and all of lunch. Now we're into missing gym. Josh has a power over me like Jon did. He can make me happy with such a little thing. But I often wind up feeling empty, like I forgot something when I leave him. But today, I left his presence feeling complete and happy. Oh, and instead of calling him dork, I now call him sexy. I wanna talk to Lindsay. I guess I'll do some homework now. ::big smiles::

Note: Found my cell that night.

10/7
Josh is gonna be a problem between me and Lindz for a while, I think. B/c I get jealous when they flirt and she gets jealous (though she says she doesn't) when I do. And if we're like that over flirting, what would it be like if one of us dated him (again)? They kissed yesterday and I flipped. What gets me is Lindz says she's over him, said I could date him if I want and she wouldn't care. This obviously isn't the case.

10/11
Sorry about that hiatus yesterday. I was really planning on going away for a bit. I went to write in my private J about how I hadn't updated about a certain situation lately but I'd explained it to the person it mattered about and I wound up getting a bunch of stuff off my chest and I felt like I'd gotten it out right. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm collaping in on myself, it's b/c I can't get words out right. Once I do, I feel fine. I think part of the reason I keep going through this cycle of feeling choked, giving up ever feeling good again, purging my soul, feeling relieved, and getting stressed again is that I can't talk about a few major things in here or to Lindz. Talking about stuff helps me get things out. With Lindz it's like there's an elephant in the room these days. And we never mention the elephant even though as time goes on it gets to be a bigger and bigger elephant. Right now, it's possible to ignore but it soon won't be.

I'm in free right now and JJ is sitting next to me. I think I wrote about him once before. He's the cute guy from my English class that got stuck in the Jefferson Monument with me in eighth grade. But he's cuter now. :) Jack's highlighting her lines and Russo's doing math hw that's due next period. I already finished my English hw (that's due next) and the german hw that's due tomorrow. Can't do anything else here. Just killing time. This is such a pointless entry. Now Sheli and Sarah are singing Bohemian Rapsody. lol :)

10/12 I'm sick and I want to be at home on the couch w/a cup of tea and my sick blanket. It's just a cold or the flu or something but my whole head aches and for some reason my back just decided to hurt. But my main concern is to be better by Friday. Friday is the memorial concert for Charlie and I really want to participate with Chorale. (And of course this morning when I look to see if there's any medicine-yuck-I can take anything applicable expired.) Oh well. If people can deal with MS, CF, AIDS, or any number of other disease (with no cure), I can deal with one little cold and a few scrapes and bruises. But it does suck. And since I caught this from my dad, I know it's only gonna get worse. My dad has only taken about a dozen (if that) sick days since he started work at Kodak and he took 2 or 3 for this. So I'm staying home tomorrow but getting meds to kill so I can make it through the dress rehearsal and concert Friday. It means a lot to me to preform. It's a very uplifting, inspiring song and it speaks to who Charlie was. I want to honor the memory of the happiest, strongest, most inspirational person to walk the halls of this instituion we call high school.



Okay, holy freakin crap. I've got more to type up but my brother has hw to do on the computer that he's put off til Sunday night and I've got hw to do (and a lab report that I'm not gonna have time to do :( ). Oh, just so you know, I'm all better. My cold is 100% gone and the concert went superbly. I'll be back tomorrow.
Vickey

Questions

Is it just me or do you not leave your (insecure) 15 year old daughter standing at the customer service desk of Wegman's with four bags of groceries and take of to see somebody when she has no clue where you are? I swear I'm pissed off! Mind you the edge has been taken off because I found out that Promise is okay. She's not great but she's alive and that is the alert I have been waiting for since the end of September. But still, you do not leave an insecure (how I feel today) fifteen year old alone especially when she's already spotted about 6 different cashiers she knew and there are hot guys milling about! I was thisclose to leaving and going to the car. I was also having trouble breathing (happens when I get distressed or emotional) and was thisclose to crying. This has not been a good day.

Haunted helplessly

There are words and images and thoughts without definite form swirling around in my head this morning, taunting me, teasing me, horrifying me, depressing me, and, worst of all, making me regret. There are words from the eulogy, from reflections about Charlie, from songs sung at the memorial concert. There are images of guys I've liked (guys I do like as well) and the moments I regret about them, the things I didn't do, that I feared. There are thoughts of "If only I'd..." and "What does that mean?" floating about. And then there are those thoughts which I cannot name and cannot identify beyond the way they make me feel: apprehensive, depressed, and a titch hopeless. I cannot shake these feelings, I cannot get this images out. They're haunting me and I haven't the slightest idea as to why. The memorial concert for Charlie last night was emotional. It was the most significant concert I have ever been to and probably ever will go to. It's the closest thing to a funeral I've been to. And it was painful. I should have brought kleenex. I cannot shake these feelings as much as I try. And they are the feelings I hate the most. I feel so heavy, so weighted, and not in the good way. Last night I could feel Charlie so heavily at the beginning of the night, I could feel his presence. And as the night went on, it slowly left. He become farther away. I think he had to stay long enough to see us all okay and when he realized we were, he decided he could watch from farther away and that is exactly what he did. It left me feeling hopeless and helpless. Everyone was crying and hugging. I felt so out of my element. I'm okay with advice and I'm okay with "it'll be okay" and whatnot but that didn't feel right. I felt like there was this wall up at the end. Like I was seperated from everyone. And it just felt helpless. While I was hugging Ricky and Jack, I didn't feel like I could do anything more. And I couldn't stand to see them in such obvious pain and hurt. I know Jack wasn't thinking about Charlie. I know part of her thoughts were with her dad. How could they not be? I don't like feeling confused. And I don't like feeling like I can't do anything to help. And that is how I felt last night. Well, the last part, not so much the first. These thoughts don't seem to want to leave and I cannot force them out. I believe I'll see if a shower and a bit of decluttering in my room will help. And perhaps I can convince my dad to go to the cider mill today instead of tomorrow.

A renewed struggle

I've renewed my stuggle with self-injury. It sucks and it's so hard but I wrote about this in my LJ (the J that most of my friends read if they read one) and they were so supportive! They started out saying stuff like "Just stop! Don't do this to yourself!" and whatnot but then I really went into it and explained it's not that simple. And it isn't. Anyone that's been where I am can tell you that. I've never cut myself but I have scratched myself numerous times with my nails. I finally cut them off. It's a lot harder to hurt yourself when your main mode of doing so is gone. And I don't want to find another way to. I want to stop wanting to. If you want to see what I wrote in my LJ, here are links to the entries I've written so far about it.

One
Two
Three
Four

And I will keep y'all posted but I think this drama will mainly be contained to that journal. Last year at this time, I relied on this journal and you all to support me. Now, I need to rely on the people I see every day. The ones that can check and make sure. The ones I can pick up the phone and call to be distracted. Thank you for helping me through the past year. It was a really tough time and I know that at that time what I needed was just to know somebody cared. And the comments I got really pulled me through. But what I need this time is the girls I see every day to make sure I haven't done anything and the girls I can call up if I need to be distracted because when I'm mad, I can't write. My words bubble up and choke me and come out in angry horrid statements that are so far beneath what I need to express. Things like "I HATE HIM! I'D BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF AT MOM'S! I'M RUNNING AWAY! I CAN'T STAND TO BE HERE ONE MORE NIGHT!" Okay, I totally have to go now. I would keep writing but I have a memorial concert to get ready for.

Vickey

Old entries

9/26

I am such a girly girl sometimes. Let me tell you about my accident first. Becky decided to take Lindz, Ali, and I to this little park about 15 minutes away with a waterfall on the Erie Canal. It had a little playground with swings and parallel bars, a teeter-totter and another thing or two. Ali and I weigh about the same so we did the teeter-totter and went to the swings. Ya know how if you go crooked on a swing, you have to watch your legs to make sure they don't smack the support? I didn't pay close enough attention and my leg smacked the support. I screamed and Ali offered to kiss it better. She did and then I made Lindz. I hobbled about a bit but my mobility was barely limited. Today, Ihave a huge bruise and it's somewhat difficult to walk. I try to limit my trips up and down stairs but this is nothing compared to what some are dealing with.
So back to my earlier statement, I curled my hair, shaved my legs, and put on heels this morning.

9/27
Way too many cliches! My math teacher just gave about 200 cliches in the course of 5 minutes. I was late this morning again. I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens last night. I should probably slow down and do the baby steps it talks about. Here are the baby step deposits I'll make to myself tonight: I will... -unpack my bag ASA I get home. -switch/fold my laundry. -write my book or lab report. -go to bed at 9 and get up at 6.

9/28
If my good grades don't boost my mood, why do my bad grades decimate it? All the ways I have used for fifteen years to cope with life and stress and worry are flying out the window. Writing doesn't work, daydreaming doesn't work, thinking my problems through doesn't work, occupying my mind with a book, magazine, or song doesn't work. A hot shower doesn't. Tonight I plan to see if a bath will work. It frustrates me so much when I can't pour my thoughts out on paper or in tears. I want to see my mom. I think that will help a lot. She comes at 7am Saturday. By 9:30, I'll be playing with Sami and at 6, I go to work at Bradley Farms with Mom and Joey. That feels like the cure for the massive amounts of stress I'm feeling. I can handle the once a month visits that are now necessary because of gas prices and financial struggles on both Mom and Dad's parts. But I cannot handle going two months without them. Once a month (or every two weeks, depending on money), I retreat from the stresses of this world. I forget about the difficulties I'm having in school, the fights with friends, the crushes I have, and all the other crap up here in Rochester and I become two main, simple roles: daughter and sister. That's one reason I don't invite friends down often. It's my retreat from this life so why would I add more roles and less peace to my life? I recharge there. I hate to leave but I know when I do I'll be more able to cope with this life from just one weekend :)

Hey, Sawyer. I'm writing in my "quick cursive". See why I don't ever write in cursive unlike some of us ahm ahm. Our school is so f*cking cold. x_x You need depends diapers and if you could read that I'll laugh. Sawyer has rice in her hair. hahaha Sawyer is yelling at fat freshman. Bwahahaha. Ahhh! Jack

(The above in the different font is written by my dear friend Jack.)

10/3
I spent last period in the auditorium instead of the cafeteria. I signed a paper about Charlie. I wrote two letters; one to him and one about him. I never even met him but I'll always remember his smiling face. Despite his cancer, I never passed him in the hall or saw him before choir when he didn't have a smile on his face. The world has lost a great man.

10/4
I feel yuck today. I've come to the conclusion that when I get stressed, I get migraines. For all of you who've never had a migraine, they suck. Your whole head aches, light and sound (of which there is no lack of at my school) make it hurt worse, and when all you want to do is lay down and let it pass, most of the time that luxury passes far past most of us. For those that do get migraines, don't they suck? And idk about you but advil doesn't even put a dent in the ones I get. I'm gonna have to wait until my physical in DECEMBER to see if there's anything my doctor can give me or tell me to do. I can't get rid of stress so, unfortunately, I'll have to treat the symptoms rather than the problem. For about a month, I've gotten a headache most days around second period (aka math w/Mrs. Pain-in-the-ass-I mean, Zschoche-said-Chucky).


more to come soon.... (like tomorrow when I'm home sick)

end hiatus

why is it that everytime one injury is just getting bareable i get another? first i get this unexplained bruise on my hip. then i scrape my leg against a swingset support and get this nasty deep bruise/scrape on my calf. then my brother trips me and i skin my knees. now i fall up the basement stairs hitting my skinned knee and bending 3 toes backwards! and hitting my shin on the stairs. what is with this people!?

and btw: my hiatus only lasted about an hour or two. i just couldn't think of anything to say when i decided to end it. so y'all get this. :) i took a benedryl last night and i was asleep by 7:30! and now i'm up and completely awake at 6! it's a bloody miracle! well, i gotta finish gettin' ready for school. love y'all and talk to ya later!

Vickey

hiatus

Going on hiatus for a bit. Not sure how long. It may be as short as an afternoon or as long as a month or two. I doubt it'll be that long. I just need to take a break from blogging. I'll still read and comment but, I'm just not going to be writing in here for a little bit.

Love always,
Vickey

20 Questions

1. Are you glad to see 20 Questions is back?

Yay! Yeppers

2. What is the most recent movie you've seen?

Heard part of Honey I Shrunk the Kids this morning. Saw part of Cinderella Story the other day.

3. What’s your all-time favorite old sitcom?

ummm idk

4. When you're trying on a pair of jeans what is one thing you want them to do?

make my butt look good

5. What’s one of the compliments you've received that has surprised you the most?

Russo told me once that I looked like a good subject for a painting and Alex (I think) told me I looked like a rock star. Loved those compliments.

6. What did you have for dinner tonight?

Tonight, I'm having chili :)

7. Do you have any favorite songs? 

I have a TON!

8. What’s one music video you can watch that always makes you smile?

I don't typically watch music videos so I couldn't tell you.

9. What’s one thing that a person, that you're on a date with or when you were single and you were on a date with, can do that turns you off immediately?

Ummm.... be close minded or rude.

10. What’s one thing you love to wear?

Tight jeans and baggy hoodies (like I'm wearing right now)

11. What’s one thing if you never hear it again it'll be too soon?

The use of gay or retarded to mean stupid

12. What’s one thing that happened to you in public that made you want to crawl under the table and hide?

"Can I have a ummm ummm ummmm feminine supply?"

13. Do you like pick up lines?

They're good for a laugh

14. Have you ever used a pick-up line?

Not to my knowledge

15. Is there anyone that you'd like to meet but would probably get all nervous if you did?

Tom Brady

16. Do you consider yourself a creative person?

Sometimes

17. What’s one thing that you admire most within yourself?

My modesty

18. Is there anything people would be surprised to know about you?

I'm the product of a teen marriage, premarital sex, and atheist parents.

19. What’s your favorite book?

The Notebook

20. What was your favorite subject in school?

*corrects to is* Chorale tops the list

Tough start

This has been a very tough start to the school year. I hope that as September is turning to October and as the weather calms down, so will the tragedies and the dramatics that currently are synonymous with my high school recede into the woodworking. Taylor got hit by an 18-wheeler. Keegan got hit over the summer (by the way, he's doing fine and is at school daily though not involved in sports to the best of my knowledge). Charlie is at peace but the students still feel the loss tremendously. We all look forward to his memorial concert next Friday. A close friend is currently pregnant (I've mentioned this before and as her due date draws closer I'll probably wind up talking about her more and more). A dear friend in this community is sick (Promise, I'm thinking about and praying for you).

Yet, in spite of all this, life goes on. We worry about our grades and our classes. We get bomb threats that leave us with one worry "Will we miss lunch?" (We had a bomb threat today, just so ya know.) As teenagers, we can't help it. We feel the loss of beloved members of our community and we do mourn them but there is always a part thinking about us. Perhaps adults are similar. We hear of the death of a loved one and we are confronted with our own mortality. We realize that just because we are young does not mean that we are invinsible. Yet at the same time, we believe it couldn't happen to us. We believe that we'll be fine and we won't get hurt. We believe that all those horrors we hear of every day will never occur to us or to those we love. Even if they happen to someone we love, it could never happen to us. Why do we convince ourselves of these lies? For they are just that: lies. It could happen to you or me. It could happen.

Charlie was a wonderful man. He was just beginning his life. He had his whole life ahead of him and he was an inspiration to us all. If he could suffer so greatly and if his life could be taken away so young, what could happen to the rest of us? I'm not saying that he's better than anyone else because we're all humans and we're all just as sinful and just as corrupt but Charlie never failed to look on the bright side. He was spiritual and he was always there if you needed him. There are so many people that just knowing they'd see his smiling face in the hall between classes got them out of bed. If he could smile and battle cancer, they could deal with the horrors in their lives.

This school year has started off horrendously and I pray it gets better. Oh, and in addition to the stuff I mentioned before, my friend Ali is going into the hospital on Monday for her CF. She's getting really bad. I ask you all to please mention her in your prayers. Just for a millisecond, if that's all you want. Please?

Oh, and in the midst of death and dying and praying and hoping, there's the guy dilemma. Josh (Lindz's ex-bf, my current crush, and the guy that I have been told about 50 times by Ali to "just ask him out already") kissed Lindz this afternoon. And it crushed the bouncy mood he'd given me earlier because it made me question myself and him and whatnot. And if I did go out with him would he only use me to get to Lindz? Because everyone knows that we're insperable. You get one and you get the other to a lesser degree. Anyhow, all guys aside, I must go worry about my English homework. We have a test tomorrow on Animal Farm and I haven't finished the book yet.

Before I go though, I don't want to leave you all with a complete downer of an entry so let me think a moment to find a good thing to tell you.... *thinks for a bit before coming up with this...* Oh, I'm getting my class ring! This is what I'm getting only a LITTLE different. I'm getting a purple stone instead of a blue one and the engraving will say "Victoria" on one side and "2008 ***" on the other (the stars are my school initials). And inside I'm having them write my initals or my first and middle name. Not sure yet. But, that's my good news. It was up in the air if I'd get one at all or not but I am. :) Time for that pesky English homework now.

Vickey

Wonders of my body

I love knowing my body is working. I love the feel of cramps. I love to feel my heart racing, pounding to get out of the cage it is in. I love the pure exhilaration that comes after a long steady jog or a short fast sprint. Feeling my body work amazes me. Seeing it function awes me. Though the world around me gets confusing, stressful, and worrisome, I can count on my hair to need washing every other day, my period to come every month, my heart to pound, my lungs to heave, my endorphins to kick in and make the confusion, the stress, and the worry fade. So maybe these joys bring problems of their own but these problems just reassure me evenmore that no matter what happens in the world outside, in my body, my biggest problems are the backache my period brings, the greasy hair that looks horrid, the racing of my heart  (which is a good thing, in my mind), the heaving, gasping breaths I take, and the fact that after the endorphins wear off, reality will intrude again and confusion, stress, and worry will reign. But at least my body works.

9/24/05

Vickey

In memoriam...

He didn't deserve it. Charlie Cote was an amazing guy. I never said two words to him but I know he was amazing. His spirit was so infectious. In his last days, he never felt sorry for himself. He was so humble and so caring. He made everyone who went to see him feel better even though you knew the doctors had stopped treatment for his melenoma. He fought his cancer for two years and last night, his battle stopped. He's in a better place, he's not in pain anymore. He is missed and he is loved. Charlie, wherever you are, if you can hear these thoughts, please know that while I never met you, your legacy will live on. You will be remembered. "If I'm going to die, I don't want to live like I'm going to die." -Charlie Cote