Early morning thoughts

I had a dream last night. I was in this cafeteria type thing w/a bunch of people around me at picnic tables. It was dark-ish and I was sitting next to this guy, talking. Lindz was talking to some other guy a few feet away. So we're talking and then I leaned over and just kissed him. And had no clue what I was doing (and neither did he) so it was more like how you kiss your grandma. Plus, I'd only met this guy a couple hours (if that) ago. Not exactly the best first kiss. lol So the lights come on and I realize he doesn't look like what I thought he looked like. I mean, he's still kinda cute but I thought he'd looked like one thing and it turns out he's completely different. It was unnerving to say the least. So Lindz and I hightail it outta there to this store. And it's a HUGE store. We were looking at these fishtanks and I'm saying stuff like "Oh, my gramma had one like that and it's big. It had one goldfish in it and it was so *pause* cool. So we're walking along and all of a sudden Josh comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet and he's carrying me someplace. And we walk around for a bit (this is where I start to loose track of some of the dream). Somehow, I wind up in a car w/my idiot (not even 12 year old) brother driving, and Josh and I are in the back together. Lindz's mom is driving this car up ahead of us and Lindz is standing behind us. (Lindz is supposed to be where Josh is but for some reason she isn't and he is.) We're driving for a bit and I've got my face resting on Josh's chest and I see Lindz walking behind the truck. She's just walking normally and I guess either we're going really slow or she's going really fast or something but, hell if I know (one of my favorite phrases right now). She motions to me to kiss him. I kiss his cheeks, then his nose, then I actually kiss him and it's a better kiss than the one before but, not the greatest because I still have no idea what I'm doing. After a minute or so, I see Lindz making slashes across her throat with her hand (the "stop" signal thing). I flip her off w/o looking at her and so does Josh even though he didn't know she was there. I said something to him along the lines of "Did I do it wrong? Because I'm sorry if I did. I've never really done this before." Then I laid my head back down and we drove for another minute or two. Lindz's mom realized that Josh was in the car instead of Lindz and she turned her car around and my moron brother is supposed to turn the one we're in around. Somehow at this point, my brother and Josh disappears or jumps out of the car or something and Lindz is driving with me in the front seat. We're in my old town and we're supposed to be in the one from the first part of my dream (which is no place I've ever been that I remember). I keep telling her to turn her, turn around, but she doesn't. We keep driving and hit Oak or Pine Cones or Garden or something like that. It's like an apartment complex but it doesn't exist in real life. The car disappears and we're on bikes, going down this dirt road. We go a long way and finally see this barn. We keep going and are just hanging out a bit when this little blonde haired blue eyed girl on a red bike comes up with a switch of wheat. She's trying to hit us and I ask if I can explain why we're there. I start to and her dad (the farmer) comes on this loudspeaker and lights flash and he says "Would the two fertile young female customers come to the [insert some word I can't remember] please?" Lindz and I went and I tried to explain it to him but we just found up in an argument. I don't remember the rest of the dream but I know that I lied to him about how we got there.

What do I think this dream means? The first part is reflecting this thing going on with the guys on my bus. Chris and Ron call me the "uber-virgin" and until I get my first kiss, I'm the uber-virgin. When I get my first kiss, I'm just a virgin. If I don't get it before my sweet sixteen (less than 3 months from now), Ron says I'm the perpetual uber-virgin. The last part is the new part. So I've been thinking about just kissing some random stranger. Obviously that's reflecting those thoughts. I apparently fear that he won't be what I expect him to be. I have no clue what that huge store means but, I do know that another of my thoughts has been to kiss Josh. But that would unleash one hell of a lot of drama that I don't wanna deal with. That is shown by Lindz's "stop" motions. My anger at her control over me at times is shown by me flipping her off. That's all I've got for anaylsis of my dream today. All I know is that I feel empty and hurt right now and I think it's partially left over from the dream but partially just how I've been feeling lately.


I'm not a girl for change. I hate it. I change my hair color and my clothes and I change the brand of shampoo I use. I change little things but I change those. I am in control of those changes. Not somebody else. So when the ads came up on journals and people started fleeing, I hated it. Still do but, I'm getting more used to it. The FLYlady reminders have taken on a different format and I don't like that. I'm not sure why that matters but it does. {Just got an explaination for this change. Yahoo is doing something but hell if I know what.} My parents divorce is one change I still can't get over. I'm still reeling from it and I don't know if I'll stop. I mean, in one swift move the foundation of my life was cracked away. I grew up with two parents that loved me and cared for me and while they fought with each other, I always got along great with them and they typically kept it to the evening. It would be around the time I got ready for bed that they'd fight if they fought at all. There were whole weeks they didn't fight. Or maybe that's just the memory of a little girl who wants to believe that. But they never fought in front of my friends until we moved. Then Lindz was subjected to it. I think that's part of why we're so close. Because their divorce and our move here are two of the big moments in my life. They were deal, hide, or die moments and I'm not quite sure at this point what I picked. I'm starting to think I choose to hide though for so long I thought I'd dealt with it. Lindz saw me change, let me change.


Oh my flipping God. This quote discribes my relationship with my father SO flipping well. It's from My So-Called Life (which btw: aired when I was four and my mother was like 21 and she watched it. It's about teenagers in high school and their drama. Yeah, my mom was deprived of a normal age 0 to like 25 if not more.)

Angela: My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us.

I was Daddy's little girl when I was younger but I started growing up and my hormones made me lash out and that put the chisel to the stone and then I started developing and now that chisel is chipping away daily. With each little change that happens to me, it gets wedged in deeper and deeper. My dad's afraid he'll become like his father. His father sexually molested three of his four daughters. I don't make things much easier either. I'm nearly 16 and when I get dressed it's to show off the fact that I've got a figure and that I'm a young woman, would you take notice please? I'm not that dork with the huge overbite and the glasses. I'm the young woman with the contacts andthe retainer you never see because I only wear it at night. I'm so much more than that inside but that is the first impression. So in order to show this, I wear tight jeans and low-cut shirts and this has caused a division between my father and I.



So here's that quote I was looking for originally.

Angela: There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

That's all I have to say for right now. I've spent an hour awake and that entire time was spent writing this. I have to go get ready now. Lindz and I are going to the carosel (sp?) mall in Syracuse today. And tomorrow's our five-year anniversary. Of the day we met and started to hate each other. We don't know the day we started to hang out together or like each other. But we've known each other for five years tomorrow. Have a good weekend everybody.

Love always,
Vickey