Solution : )

I've decided that for those of you who once read this journal (I don't know if anybody reads this at all anymore, probably not, so I'll be e-mailing those who I know read this) I've created an LJ ID for their use. That way you can read my journal without creating a new ID that you won't use. If you want the name and password, please e-mail me and if I recognize your username, I'll send it to you.

Love always,
Vickey

I'm sorry but...

Obviously I don't write in this journal. It will always remain special to me as will all of you. Feel free to follow me to my LJ. Unfortunately, it's a friends only journal (except for memes). That means to read most of my entries you have to have a livejournal ID. (Sorry for that.) I'm not deleting this journal. I hate to leave JLand but it just doesn't feel like home anymore. Please keep in touch. Feel free to e-mail me for any reason (or no reason) at all. I'll miss you all.

Love always,
Vickey

Dream confusion

I have dreamed at least three times that I was pregnant. It's the only thing that's ever been repeated in a dream. None of the dreams are the same except that I'm pregnant and when I wake up I always feel confused as to whether I am or not. It's been nearly an hour since I woke up and I'm still vaguely concerned as to whether I am pregnant or not.

I have no clue what is causing these dreams. The one I had last night was odd. I'll try to tell you about it.

I dreamt I was pregnant with the baby of the second man I'd slept with. His name started with a J but I'm not quite sure what it was. He worked at this place that had a sign with big brown letters. The actual place looked like a playground actually. It was made of wood and painted or stained deep dark brown like my old school's old playground. He had also gotten my older cousin pregnant after I was already out of his life. (He basically deserted me when I got pregnant.) So backtracking now, I was in the hospital and having contractions (horrible ones) and (it's a little fuzzy because this was the first part of the dream so bear with me) my mom and this older guy that I knew and two of the guys from my english class and Tracy (one of my mom's friends) and a couple little girls were there. My contractions were about ten minutes apart and nobody had given me any drugs (lol). I remember at one point I wasn't me, I was the girl from Strong Medicine but I couldn't remember her name and no one would call me by it. (I now remember it was Lu Delgoto.) One of the little girls (she had blonde hair in a high ponytail and was about five years old) wanted to draw on my belly with markers and I said sure but if I go like this (demonstrated how i'd been reacting to contractions) to stop for a minute. So she starts drawing a big red heart and coloring it in and I took a greenish black marker and started filling in the other side of the heart. I rolled over on my side and the other girl (who had brown hair and was a little younger) started drawing on my back. Somebody mentioned it and I told them I knew and looked at it. (How I'm not sure but it was red or orange something.) I asked Tracy to put the other pillow on top (I had my pillows, one w/a light case and the other w/a darker one) but she put the lighter one on top of me instead of beneath the darker one. Some other things happened that I don't recall very well but then I was in the passenger seat of the car, driving to see J and let him know I was in labor. (My contractions had nearly ceased at this point for some reason.) I clambered up the structure with great difficulty and finally found J and Shoshauna (my cousin in real life and the dream). He was an ass to me and I was civil to him. Shoshauna said something about how she was pregnant too and it was her baby was getting the better end of the deal. I spun around and asked J if he was marrying her. He said yes and she started in on how they better hurry up because she'd start to show and her mom knew she was staying in a hotel but not that she wasn't there alone and people already knew they were close, they didn't need people suspecting how close. (Meanwhile I'd already known they were having relations and I was POed enough for the entire family.) I left muttering how I was sure that my baby got the better end of the deal. She already had to deal with having his genes but to have to deal with him raising her?

This is the last I recall. Any ideas on this could be appreciated. I've got no idea what it means. I started the pill a week ago and I had a conversation yesterday that greatly involved sex in the clinical sense and I did SI yesterday for the first time in over 3 months. If any of that helps. lol Like I've said, I've dreamt this before (well, the pregnancy part) and I always wake up feeling pregnant. It's the strangest feeling in the world when you're a 14, 15, 16 year old who hasn't even been KISSED to wake up feeling pregnant.

::squee::

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my permit and I drove today!!!!!!!!!!


That is all. Please resume your normal lives.

Seclusion

So I've been pretty much totally MIA here lately. There hasn't been much going on in my life and yet there's been a lot. Ummm I'm sixteen now. I'm still single, still never been kissed, still mentally screwed up. I just started the pill (as in like 15 mins ago I took my first one) and nobody believes my reasons for going on it so I won't bother to explain them here just know it's not for pregnancy prevention because I'm not considering having sex anytime soon.

I've been pulling away from everybody lately and it's really sucky. I just don't feel very close to anyone. I feel on edge most of the time and I'm totally procrastinating. I've got a major paper to do for english about an abstract topic I came up with myself that I can't really explain. But it's actually a decent topic. I'm feeling very odd lately. I'm happy right now (last night I had my sweet sixteen party and it was absolutely amazingly fun) but most of the time I feel secluded and upset.

So my dad got home and I'm pissed again. My parents haven't gotten along well at all lately and I haven't gotten along with them. I've been a total bitch lately. I really want to just go off on my own. Road trip on my own. Can't wait to finally do it. I'm so doing it either one of the breaks my junior year or next summer. I've gotta go do homework so I'll try to write more later. If not, sorry. I'm okay though. If anything happens to me, Lindz knows to let y'all know and she's got my password so don't worry bout me.

Vickey

Adieu my dears.

I really do have to go pack like an hour ago (opps) but I just wanted to drop by and say hey, how are you, and I'm leaving tomorrow. Going to my mom's for a week. Monday is my birthday. I'm turning sweet 16. :) At 4:27pm. I love you all and I miss you and I'm sorry I'm not around more. Have to go pack and stop typing so loud (it's gonna wake my gramma up and she'll yell at me for not having packed before I got on and for still being up and on).

Later,
Vickey

I just deleted most of my alerts. I check bloglines more often than I read alerts. I've got e-mails up to wazoo of journal alerts and I'm just deleting them all. There's a couple I kept b/c I don't know the URL or it couldn't find an RSS feed but other than that, no alerts. I'm just really not focused lately. I don't seem to have time for alerts or journals or updates and it's annoying. I miss you guys so much! It seems like I haven't caught up with some of you in forever and I miss you. I miss the sense of home I had here. It feels like it's been taken away. When that was, I don't know. Maybe it was when the "great exodus" happened or maybe it was later. But either way, I haven't felt at home here in a while. Not to mention that I've had writer's block off and on for a while. I don't feel like getting into the drama in my life at the moment but maybe I'll write here tomorrow. If you guys wanna keep caught up, I tend to write a lot more in my LJ. (http://sawyerlove.livejournal.com) Later...

Old entries

10/20
    Today, by all rights, should have me in a shitty mood to start with. My brother took the bathroom before I got up. I had to go downstairs to use the bathroom and then wait downstairs to brush my teeth. I had to get my scarf out of the car and I hit my head and smeared the PB on my toast onto my brother's shirt while looking for my scarf. Then I had to talk to whats-his-face. My global teacher hates me. My friends left me in the corner and my bracelet keeps poking me in the wrist. Oh, and PMS. (Enough said, right?) But... I'm in a good mood. No school tomorrow, Starbucks afterschool, a wonderful bracelet from a friend that loves me, and I got my scarf and found my wonderful half-sweater. Little things make me happy. And if my cramps/headache are still here at the end of third, I'll take more midol (aka happy pills according to Mag). I'm in a good mood and it's lovely. Oh, and I'm doing winter track this year. I'm nervous about it but I've already got at least one vaulter friend (aka Sayid). Not sure exactly why I'm doing it but I can at least try it, right? And if it turns out that it's not for me, I can always quit, right? My biggest concerns are not being able to run fast enough, not being able to carry my pole, and doing it entirely wrong.
    Yummy! I just bought a lollipop. Banana split. :) Oh, and a sub in math last period. :) And an easy class in health on suicide/teen depression and the fifth of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens" which is "Seek First to Understand Then to Be Understood". And my first class of the day in which I don't hate my teacher and they don't hate me.
    Global-Currie-sickeningly sweet-hates me
    Math-Zschoche-pain-I hate her.
    Health-Tata-actually a good, nice teacher-mutual like
    Chorale-Abrahamian-eccentric but cool-mutual like
    German-Frau Mac-scary when angry but mostly nice-mutual like
    Bio-Schembri-great teacher but I don't get a lot of the material-don't think he likes me
    Gym-Angus-coll but a little odd I guess-mutual like
    English-Mahoney-decent teacher but don't understand a lot of the materials-mutual like with wariness

    So 3 teachers I don't get along with, four I do, and 1 that's just weird. Hehe ^_^ I just won at bingo. Gave my sucker (prize) to Mandy since I already have one. I cut my bangs last n ight and they both look good & are the *perfect* length. We sounded great on Agnus Dei especially for having only got it yesterday. And my hair is behaving and my make-up looks good too. Little things I am grateful for. Little things make me happy.

Thankful Thursday

• I haven't SIed in 2 days.
• I haven't been tempted in a day and a half.
• I didn't completely fly off the handle at Andrew for his "jokes" about cutters.
• I have lunch in 1/2 an hour.
• I have Starbucks in 2 hours.
• I have a warm bed to sleep in.
• I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head.
• I stood up for my beliefs assertively in math.
• I had a yummy lollipop and a sub in math.
• I just Aced a bio quiz.
• I'm not pregnant at 15.
• I'm healthy.
• I'm a decent singer with a new opprotunity to sing publicly.
• I have wonderful friends.

10/25
    In TRSH for the second time this year. Both times because Becky drove me and I was late enough to not be able to squeak by. It's raining outside. It's a lab day. Which sucks ass b/c I didn't have breakfast. But I've got a Pop-Tart and a granola bar w/me and 2 bucks for "lunch". The birds outside are so pretty the way they're flying and all. There's dozens of 'em. At least 100 flying outside in the rain. My head is spinning. I should eat those Pop-Tarts in my purse. I can't really focus. And this b/c all I've had all day is a lollipop.

10/26
    My mind is devoid of thoughts writing down.

10/27
    I have writer's block. I can't think of anything to write and I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I have something like five assignments that I have to write for due either Monday or Tuesday and I can't think of a damn thing. I rarely ever have complete writer's block. I'll get stuck in a story or not know how to start a lab report or how to phrase something but right now I cannot think of anything to write. I get out this notebook and try to write or I open up a screen for one of my journals and try to write but I can't get a single thought to exit my fingers. I feel an obligation I shouldn't to write in my blogs. I've had writer's block for a week. I've had it horribly for an hour (horribly as in it's now manifested itself in my body, not just my mind). I hate having it in my bones. It leaves me scrambling for a single intelligent thought which will spark a story, lab report, fable, creative, or blog entry. Writing about my writer's block hastn' done it. This is all fluff. An excuse to space out in math. A habit. A desperate attempt to cure my writer's block. If watching The Great Pumpkin didn't give me that Halloween spirit, why should such a desperate attempt at getting some remote sort of inspiration back work?
    I'm reading Chocolat and I'm actually looking forward to my math homework each night (polynominals and monomials), These are my days. I want a job but my dad can't find my birth certificate or social security card & I need them to get a work permit which I need to get a job.

Some time b/w 10/26 and 11/1
Writer's block over. Thousands of ideas. A new story forming. I can't wait to get started on it. Unfortunatly, it'll wind up crashing as soon as my crush is over. Just as my story of Katherine and Matt did. I should probably work on my schoolwork. Or a cure for my seemingly incessant blushing. I keep doing that. Blushing, I mean. One thing. So much for not thinking about guys for two days. I survived about 10 minutes. hahaha

More later.

Catchin' Up

I totally give up on promising you guys things. That's the end of my promises. Promise. lol Time for some entries...

From aprx. 10/12
It's offical. Math this year sucks. Love algebra and algebraic equations or formulas but hate geometry. For those familiar with NYS courses, I'm in Math A/B this year. Which sucks major.
We all paint our faces with masks sometimes. We all play different roles. One of my roles is Sawyer. Sawyer's role is to be there for her friends, to be picked on a bit (all in the spirit of love, of course), to spit out her drink at lunch. There have been times I really didn't feel like laughing and I sure wasn't laughing hard enough to spit out my drink. But I did it anyways. And because I played that role, and apparently played it well, Jack (my darling friend) was shocked at my entry in my LJ. This entry was directed at my friends at school. I was explaining how I can't stop being tempted to SI. How it's not as easy as "I want to stop". Apparently Jack believed my role so often that she thought I was always happy, always cheerful, and always ready to brighten someones day. And to some degree that's true. If I can make your day better, I will do it most days. I spend most of my time either content, happy, angry, or sad. ANd most of that is content or happy! I lead a pretty good life. I'm finally not depressed and I love it. Yes, I get sad but I don't contemplate suicide. My SI is taking out my anger at my father on myself. And it makes no sense but that's how it is. I need a shrink to help me learn how to get my anger out in other ways. I need a shrink so I don't wind up SIing with more than my nails (which I cut off last night, btw). Ya know what? Go read that entry if you wanna know what all is written there. I wrote it better there than I can ever regurgitate here.

Same day...
My cold is better than it was this morning. Always gets better during the day and worse at night and in the mornings. I'm starving. Didn't eat breakfast and left my water bottles at home so I don't even have water except during passing times.

10/14
I can't go to Hots tonight and I'm so mad. Hots is my release, my escape, my once a week guaranteed socialization outside of school. And we don't have school next Friday so I don't get Hots then either. I'm gonna see if some people wanna do Starbucks next Thursday after school. Like Mag and Josh. And hope they weren't kicked out last year or the year before. Yeah, it happened.

10/17
One. Year. Ago. I wanted to cut myself. One Year. Ago. I didn't. I used a red marker instead. I haven't wanted to hurt myself in about 9 hours. {Last night I wanted to in order to make it years from today I hadn't SIed in. It was a physical feeling that I conquered by putting my wristband on. I almost want to actually cut. I blame the website I looked at yesterday. It claimed in order to be considered a "self-injurer", you had to have made marks that "did tissue damage" (broke the skin, bruised, or left marks that were visible an hour later) and some other condition. I think it was that you'd done it to get rid of some "negative feeling" and I do that. I SI in an attempt to get rid of my anger. But I feel like the more ppl know about how little I've SIed, how the scratches are only surface wounds, how it only lasts a few minutes that I'm SIing (if that); the less they'll feel this is real. I feel if I cut, even once, they'd have to realize this is real and that I need help.} The last time it was a mental desire was 3 1/2 days ago. And the last time I did was umm.... I'll have to figure that out when I get home.

Same day.
I don't trust myself today. If I had nails, I prolly would wind up SIing today. I didn't want to risk fighting with Dad and cutting. That is one step I will not take. So I'm sleeping at Lindz's and going home with her on the bus. I think the last I rode someone else's bus was seventh or eighth grade. Bringing all my stuff to school was a pain though. I had to use an actual backpack and it's filled to the seams.

Same day.
I hate lab days. I hate not eating lunch. I hate English this year. He's trying to get me to be a "self-directed learner" and to do all these things that I don't understand. Like power paragraphs and thesis statements. (And everything in my bag smells like crappy perfume!) I probably should guard this better. I've guarded it viciously to protect the secrets of others but I've left mine out for many to see today. Andrew, Misako, Kyle, Jenn, Mrs. Pain-in-the-ass, Mr. Mahoney, all of these people could possibly know my secret.

10/18
I saw Ali yesterday. I don't like hospitals. They don't scare me, persay, but I'd rather not go there if I could help it. I make exceptions though. I hadn't been in a hospital that I recall in seven years. When I think hospital, I think sick. Really sick. And Ali is. And I didn't know if she'd be weak and hardly able to walk or what. Which scared me. But she was just normal Ali. We went for a walk around the hospital. She showed us (Lindz and I) the lowest level. You're not supposed to go there, I don't think. But we did. Ali goes like everywhere. She knows the ins and outs of that hospital too well. She showed us the psych ward she was in a couple months ago. It was really fun. I'm going back to see her tonight by myself after school. My teeth were chattering so bad last night though. When I get nervous, they do that. If I suppress it, my head'll shake or my hands or something. If I'm really nervous, my umm... how to put this delicately? digestive system doesn't like tohold food. Get the drift? I'm just glad I wasn't that nervous. I said I'd bring her coke tonight so I'm gonna run to Wegman's and get coke and a job application. I'm going to fill out the paperwork today in "the career center" for a work permit. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be working at Wegman's. I know a lot of people that are cashiers there which happens to be the job I want. Or the deli. But I think you have to be 18 to work a slicer. And tall enough to see over the counter. Which I'm not. Anyhow, I'd rather be a cashier. Dawn, wanna give me a quick lesson on registers? lol Not really sure why and I'd probably hate it but it's money and that's what I need. But Wegman's is a great company to work for. Fortune 500 top 10 I think. Scholarship program for college, flexible hours, when I come home for breaks at college I can pick up a couple hours to work easily, walking distance to my house. Great job, basically.
Today is Make A Difference Day. Just so you know. I need 40 hours of volunteer work by my senior year. I currently have zero. It's honestly not that much. It's less than an hour a week over a year. And I still have three in which to do it.
I took about a bajillion pictures of Ali last night. And I plan on taking a billion more tonight. I'll upload them to my photobucket tonight. I have to e-mail them to Ali and I'll post some of the really good, cute ones tonight. I got some I really like and some she really likes too. Which is a shock but it's a good thing too. I took some when she shut the lights off not knowing exactly where they were or what kind of a picture I'd get. By that point, Ali knew the sound of the camera and she'd make a funny face when I hit the button. I'm obsessed with photographing her.I think b/c I know she's really sick and CF is terminal. I know she's getting worse and that she won't live as long as she deserves to. My only fear about dying is that I'll be forgotten, I won't be understood, my complexities won't be understood, and that who I am will fade just as quickly as I do. I'm taking out this fear by making sure there is photographic evidence that she existed, of who she is, of her looks. I feel like, in so many ways, I don't know who she is. I know that I love her. That I trust her. That she doesn't like to talk about her CF. That she fully expects to be around in June (don't ask how I know this. The comment had to do with Betty though). I don't believe she'll die before the end of the year. I think she wil be around next year. At least until January. Yes, she's horribly sick. Yes, she's in the hospital. Yes, she's dying. But I think she'll see the year 2006. And if she's well enough to pedal around Strong, she's well enough to see 2006 at least in my mind.

10/19
It's Wednesday. LOST tonight. School tomorrow. But tomorrow's my last day this week. I get Friday off for some superintendient's conference day. I have a pretty green vinyl bracelet. Walking out of the hospital with it on, I felt like someone would think I was a patient escaping. In a way, I am. I mean, we're all patients. We've all got problems to be treated for. Ignore that. It was supposed to sounds smart and philosophical but it came out wrong. I'm joining track next year. Either running of some sort or pole vaulting, I think. Sarah's doing her best to convince me to to vault spring track. I don't know. But I've almost got my work permit. Just need my doctor's signature saying I've had a physical in the last 12 months. And to bring my social security card, birth certificate, & school ID to the career center in order to get the actual permit. I can work 18 hours a week til February 20 then 28 hours a week (have to be 16). Oh and I was right about the deli. Can't work there for another four months. Oh hey! Tomorrow's my 15 year and 7 months old b-day. Cool! And I get a mini celbration even. Starbucks w/some friends. Awesome. Oh but I'm PMS . hehehe ^_^ My hair is dirty and annoying me. I had a lecture about the homecoming parties first period, a unit test second, and now a quiz third.
I haven't been tempted in 12 hours. Haven't SIed in 10 days. My nails are starting to grow back. They're at the perfect length. Long enough so I can scratch an itch but short enough to take an effort in order to SI. But I guess I wind up SIing in another way though. I just didn't realize it. Instead of using my nails, I'll tweeze my eyebrows or cut my fingernails which forces me to cut my cuticles. So I've been in denial about it. With this revelation, I SIed last night. It's just things I already need to do so I don't view it as SIing. Denial.
Oh, and doing vaulting would be horrid for my mild case of anorexia (I'm talking really mild-contemplating or actually skipping a meal, not allowing myself sweets, decreased body image & self-esteem, not starving myself to be 80 lbs).
I've battled depression on & off since about fifth grade. My most major episode lasted 8 months from October 04 to June 05. I've battled SI for just over a year and anorexia nervous for about 2 or 3 years.
I didn't SI (in my typical way) for Ali last night. For her, I didn't. But I didn't realize that plucking stray hairs was SIing. I'm designating a safe spot. I will not harm myself or cause myself any pain (necessary or not) while on my bed. And when I'm mad, I will go on to my bed. Am I really ready to stop this? Am I really ready to give it up? Do I want to stop? I know I said I do but I guess I'm hesitant to give up any coping skill I have. Maybe it's a control thing. I have no control over my life and the death of Charlie and Ali's hospitialization are driving this fact home. But I can control whether or not I SI. I can control if I eat or not. And, for the most part, what I eat and when. When I'm issed, I either SI, don't eat, or eat a bunch. I've even thought about barfing b/c I feel bad about how much I ate.


That's it for right now. Gonna go be girly and experiment w/my hair and make-up. :) Later, guys.

Oppsies...

Umm so much for that story I promised you, eh? It's midterms week and (just like last year) I'm late for my first test. This year I've got 5 tests, one of which I have to pass in order to graduate. Talk about the stress. Today I've only got one though, math midterm. Tomorrow I've got german, lunch with mag, and bio then Thursday I have global and math (the one I have to pass to graduate) and then my shrink and wax apt. and then I'm going to Lindz's for a sleepover/movie marathon. I really need that. Just to escape from my problems for a bit. Ugh. Speaking of problems, my head hurts AGAIN and I think I'm gonna go take some advil for it. I can't concentrate on math problems if I've got a headache. Later, y'all. Oh and because it's a half-day today :) I'm gonna come home and finish my laundry, take a shower, and type up/read some entries. Promise. Have a good day!!!!!!!!!

Recommitment

Y'all know what? I am sick of excuses and sick of procrastinating and sick of the way my life is going lately. I just sent a testimonial to the FLYcrew and I'm going to post it here.

Dear FLYcrew,

       It's almost 6:30 and guess what? I'm still in the same pajamas I've been wearing for two days, my hair is a greasy mess, and my glasses are still on (and man are they dirty). Lovely picture, huh? Of course I've been justifying this to myself with a few typical excuses. "I'm a teenager! What do you expect?" or "It's a long weekend. I deserve to be lazy now and then." But ya know what? So what if I'm only sixteen? I can get dressed in the morning. I've been doing it by myself since I was a little kid. I know it's a long weekend but I always seem to find an excuse to procrastinate.

     I had decided to start eating better after the new year. Starting January 1st, I was "going on a diet". Well that very day I wrecked my diet and beat myself up for it. I wrecked it every day straight for 8 days and then finally gave up count. I'd make excuse after excuse as to why I broke those rules I created. "Oh it's that time of the month. I can allow myself a junk food lunch." or "I'm depressed and that loser just hurt me. I'm gonna go eat some chocolate." No matter how many excuses I make, they're just excuses and I'm SICK of them! Starting right now, I'm going to do better. No, I'm not going on a diet but I am going to treat my body right. I'm going to nurture my body, my soul, and my faith. I will not let my depression or the circumstances in my life keep me down any longer.

      Like I just said, I'm going through a depression right now but I know that with the help of routines and therapy and the wonderful friends I have, I can get out of this horrid state of being. My family situation is far from perfect and as I start to realize that I need to get out of this depression and that my father only contributes to it, I realize the extent of the damage my parent's divorce did to me. If for no reason other than to get back at the guy that just hurt me (again), I am going to get over him and get out of this depression and I'm going to start eating right and blessing my heart. I already know the next time I have to see him and by that point I intend to a) be over him and b) make him wish he hadn't screwed up his chances with me. I'm through with the stinkin' thinkin'and I'm through with this depression. I want out of it as fast as possible and I know that with routines even if I do still have bad days and even if this depression does last a couple more months like I suspect it will (I think it's a seasonal thing in addition to circumstantial) I will be functioning and I will be actively trying to get better. I'm not going to just rot in this bad mood anymore.

     Thank you for showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for helping me realize that, teenager or not, I should be able to get up every morning and get dressed, whether I have school or not and that getting dressed does not mean pajamas unless it's school spirit. May God bless you all! And now, to go restart my day by showering and getting dressed to the shoes!

Fluttering in New York

So like I said, I'm sick of excuses and I'm going to start FLYing. I'll be back later but I have to go hop in the shower. I'm absolutely disgusting today.

'ello lovelies

I haven't written in this J in a long time and I need an incentive to do so apparently so I'm putting Meg's Pic Prompts in here instead of in Wastin My Time. I guess I'm gonna play along. I've gotta think about it and work it out on paper but you can all expect a story from me pretty shortly. The stories are due in by noon on Wednesday which basically means I've gotta have it done by Tuesday night. I've got a bit of time on my hands so I guess I'll work on this among other things. Speaking of other things, I think I should go get dressed. I haven't gone this long w/o changing out of my pjs in a long time but since I put them on Friday night all I've done is change my shirt. Yeah, it's kinda gross. At least I've brushed my teeth and my hair though. I'll be back later with some entries and/or a story. Happy Sunday...

Guess what?

Kay, y'all I've made a decision. I'm not catching up with journals. I'm jumping in where y'all are in your lives so if you wanna give me a bit of an update on what's happened in your lives since about *checks* Thanksgiving, I'd love it. If not, oh well. I'll figure it out. I'm just jumping in where I am b/c I'm sick of not reading alerts and hearing what's going on but I just can't catch up. Time for bed, sorry. I'm doing nothing tomorrow so maybe I'll read some journals and type up some old entries when I'm not doing my homework or taking a bubble bath and doing my nails and stuff. :) (That's my whole plan for tomorrow. Sleep late, pamper myself, maybe do some homework, watch a couple movies, go for a run. I can't wait. ::smiles::) G'night y'all. Sweet dreams. Talk to you tomorrow.

Love always,
Vickey

Update!

It's early but I've been up for an hour. I couldn't fall back to sleep so eventually I got up and now I'm sitting here typing and listening to Christian music. You all deserve so much of an update that it isn't even funny and I'm sorry that I've been so behind. Let me tell you about my vacation. Quick outline: Christmas Eve had family over, Christmas was boring, movies the 26th, 27th through the 30th at Joshua Revolution, 30th-1st at Lori's, back to Dad's, left last night and now I'm at Lindz's. Now for more details...

Christmas Eve. We had family over (like I said) and it was actually fun. I loved talking to everyone and showing them that I'm mature and not the child they assume. We talked about doing it at a park cabin next year and the kids can sled and the adults can play cards. I asked which I was, a kid or an adult, and was told that it depends on what I wanna do. Since I wanted to play cards, I'm apparently an adult. I got some neat stuff as did everyone else and though it didn't feel like Christmas Eve, it did feel like fun.

Christmas. I don't honestly remember much of it. I know that we got up and opened gifts and had blueberry muffins (tradition) and that most of the day was spent just kinda hanging out. {ugh. brb. have to go brush my teeth before I can continue. okay, back. much better} We had Christmas dinner and it was pretty good if I remember correctly (but I doubt that I do-my memory is pretty shoddy right now). We really didn't do much of anything.

December 26. Convinced Dad to take us to the movies. Saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was pretty good. It's a really hard book to depict because of all the magical sorcery stuff but they did a pretty good job of it. Oh and I got Dad to pay for me to have a soda and the guy at the counter was really cute. :) Don't remember the rest of the day.

December 27. Got up a little late and packed for Joshua. I was so nervous! I had no clue what to expect but what I got out of it wound up being so amazing. We met at the church and then left in different cars. The girls from my room rode with Dewey (not that that means anything to you) and I basically talked to Dewey since I sat shotgun. When we got there we waited forever to get our rooms but we did eventually get them and then went to them. Food for the week was dooled (sp?) out and let me tell you there was a LOT of food! Like 6 sodas, 3 waters, 5 or 6 capri sun's, little debbie's snacks, granola bars. It was a LOT of food. I still have a bunch left. lol We caught the tail end of Mark Cahill's speech and what I heard sounded pretty good. He wrote a new book One Heartbeat Away and you could get it at the back table. It's a donation only thing and if you didn't have your money on you at that moment, you could send in money later. I did have my money but, I knew that a)taking the time to donate would be forever b/c of the mob, b)it's not something you can ask for change for and c)I really wanted a hoodie which was $25 and all I had was a 20 and a 10. So I'm sending in money soon. That night we had a power session and Ricardo played and Nicky Cruz spoke. Nicky's story was amazing. His story is captured in "Run, baby, run" (I think that's the name).

Oh goodness. I have to run, guys. I was going to give you the whole story through JR and New Year's but I just don't have the time. If I want to get to school at a decent hour (and get my capucinno which I desperately want), I have to get going and get Lindz and Becky going. God bless and have a great day. Oh, and as soon as my room gets clean and my grades get up I'll be catching up on journals. It's just that my room looks like a tornado whipped around in there and a few of my grades are either C range or B-C range. Hope your New Year is going great.

Vickey

See ya!

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm off to the Joshua Revolution in about ten minutes so I don't have much time. The next chance I'll have to update is Friday (the 30th) but I don't know if I will be. I've got a couple hours between JR and going to my auntie's (where I'll be until the new year). Gotta go finish packing and eat something. Hope your Christmas was great, your Kwanzaa or Hanukah is going good, and that your new year is fantabulous.

Happy New Year!

Plans

I'm about to start baking Christmas Cookies and I just wanted to pop on for a minute. I don't have much free time to be home and/or on the computer til the New Year and I wanted to let y'all know that. I'm going to church tomorrow morning then to my mom's. I'll try to pop on between then but, if not, I'm sorry. I'll be there til Thursday. Friday, I have school (one day this week. woohoo) and then Saturday is Christmas Eve. Sunday is Christmas (and I'm going to church that morning). Tuesday I leave for the Joshua Revolution (remember that thing I swore I'd go to this year come hell or high water? I'm going) and I won't get back until *counts on fingers* Friday when I'm *supposedly* going to Mom's. Then I'm supposed to come back the first or second then off to school the third. If not Mom's, I'll be at Gramma's for the new year unless I find a friend's house to crash at. :( I'll find some place, I'm sure. NOT ringing in the new year quietly again. It aggravates the hell out of me. For now, I'm off to bake cookies.

Oh, I use an apron when I bake (either a full body one or one that's just waist down) and one of the reasons I know I'm the "lady of the house" and that I'm grown up is my apron choice/use. I used to use this itty bitty one that's like 1ft by 1/2 a foot big (and fugly) but then I got a bigger (still fugly) one. Now, I use Mom's old one. It's the biggest apron (well waist down apron) and the prettiest and the one Mom ALWAYS used. I can tell I'm growing up because I feel natural in it, not like I'm playing at being grown up. Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

Vickey

Update: Oh lord guys! I just realized. I'm gonna get SO far behind on f-ing alerts. I've already got like 18 pages of alerts I'm behind on. That's 20 alerts per page. Damn. Plus five more days then a couple days to catch up then away for four more days! Dammit! I promise SOMEDAY I'll catch up. Someday before I fly away...


Update AGAIN: I turned off all alerts. I'll catch up later. I just can't handle the stress out over the amount in the folder. I'll catch up a different way. I will catch up. Happy Holidays to all!

Three.

My great-grandmother died around 7pm tonight. Knew it was coming but still dealing with it. My mom's a wreck and will be for a while. She's probably going to pick Joey and I up Sunday night and drop us off Wednesday. The funeral is probably Tuesday. I'm going to miss my first concert with Chorale. (That's the fact I'm fixating on at the moment.) I wasn't very close to her but, she was still my great-grandmother.

Rest in peace, Grandma.

 

(In case you're keeping track, this is the third. Charlie, Uncle Randy, Great-grandma. There are still two thirds up in the air. Cats and miscarriages. Let's hope the rule of threes isn't true.)

life

I haven't written much anywhere except my livejournal lately. I'm depressed again. Same as I was this time last year. My gramma thinks it might be a seasonal thing. My dad's depressed too and we're both at each others throats constantly. It's not fun and it doesn't feel like Christmas around here at all. I really want it to and I'm going to help foster that spirit as much as possible but, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Tomorrow I'll be doing Christmas cards. *pause to restrain myself from SI* Oh and making cookie dough. I'm so behind this year. I hate depressions. They're a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my third significant one. Sixth grade, ninth grade, and tenth grade. ::sigh:: When I can get out of this depression for a bit and want to write, I promise I'll let you all know what's going on with me. I've got a ton of entries to type up and I'll have those done by year's end. I'm starting the new year fresh. No homework, no quizzes or tests to make up, no entries to type up, no SI. I'm looking toward the new year for my salvation. For school, blogging, life. I'm pinning a lot on 2006. It'll never live up to what I expect. It's my 16th year, it should be amazing, but I'm probably going to start it still in this depression. I don't want this to become a yearly tradition but, I fear it may be. :( I have homework to do and peace to find. I'll be okay and I hope you are too. I'm so behind on alerts, I may just give up and start where y'all are. Anyone that moved, I've kept up. Anyone that stayed, I'm sorry but I haven't. Year's end will bring a complete overhaul of alerts. I've got to redo my "Other Journals" section too. (That's gonna hurt.)

Later.

Early morning thoughts

I had a dream last night. I was in this cafeteria type thing w/a bunch of people around me at picnic tables. It was dark-ish and I was sitting next to this guy, talking. Lindz was talking to some other guy a few feet away. So we're talking and then I leaned over and just kissed him. And had no clue what I was doing (and neither did he) so it was more like how you kiss your grandma. Plus, I'd only met this guy a couple hours (if that) ago. Not exactly the best first kiss. lol So the lights come on and I realize he doesn't look like what I thought he looked like. I mean, he's still kinda cute but I thought he'd looked like one thing and it turns out he's completely different. It was unnerving to say the least. So Lindz and I hightail it outta there to this store. And it's a HUGE store. We were looking at these fishtanks and I'm saying stuff like "Oh, my gramma had one like that and it's big. It had one goldfish in it and it was so *pause* cool. So we're walking along and all of a sudden Josh comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet and he's carrying me someplace. And we walk around for a bit (this is where I start to loose track of some of the dream). Somehow, I wind up in a car w/my idiot (not even 12 year old) brother driving, and Josh and I are in the back together. Lindz's mom is driving this car up ahead of us and Lindz is standing behind us. (Lindz is supposed to be where Josh is but for some reason she isn't and he is.) We're driving for a bit and I've got my face resting on Josh's chest and I see Lindz walking behind the truck. She's just walking normally and I guess either we're going really slow or she's going really fast or something but, hell if I know (one of my favorite phrases right now). She motions to me to kiss him. I kiss his cheeks, then his nose, then I actually kiss him and it's a better kiss than the one before but, not the greatest because I still have no idea what I'm doing. After a minute or so, I see Lindz making slashes across her throat with her hand (the "stop" signal thing). I flip her off w/o looking at her and so does Josh even though he didn't know she was there. I said something to him along the lines of "Did I do it wrong? Because I'm sorry if I did. I've never really done this before." Then I laid my head back down and we drove for another minute or two. Lindz's mom realized that Josh was in the car instead of Lindz and she turned her car around and my moron brother is supposed to turn the one we're in around. Somehow at this point, my brother and Josh disappears or jumps out of the car or something and Lindz is driving with me in the front seat. We're in my old town and we're supposed to be in the one from the first part of my dream (which is no place I've ever been that I remember). I keep telling her to turn her, turn around, but she doesn't. We keep driving and hit Oak or Pine Cones or Garden or something like that. It's like an apartment complex but it doesn't exist in real life. The car disappears and we're on bikes, going down this dirt road. We go a long way and finally see this barn. We keep going and are just hanging out a bit when this little blonde haired blue eyed girl on a red bike comes up with a switch of wheat. She's trying to hit us and I ask if I can explain why we're there. I start to and her dad (the farmer) comes on this loudspeaker and lights flash and he says "Would the two fertile young female customers come to the [insert some word I can't remember] please?" Lindz and I went and I tried to explain it to him but we just found up in an argument. I don't remember the rest of the dream but I know that I lied to him about how we got there.

What do I think this dream means? The first part is reflecting this thing going on with the guys on my bus. Chris and Ron call me the "uber-virgin" and until I get my first kiss, I'm the uber-virgin. When I get my first kiss, I'm just a virgin. If I don't get it before my sweet sixteen (less than 3 months from now), Ron says I'm the perpetual uber-virgin. The last part is the new part. So I've been thinking about just kissing some random stranger. Obviously that's reflecting those thoughts. I apparently fear that he won't be what I expect him to be. I have no clue what that huge store means but, I do know that another of my thoughts has been to kiss Josh. But that would unleash one hell of a lot of drama that I don't wanna deal with. That is shown by Lindz's "stop" motions. My anger at her control over me at times is shown by me flipping her off. That's all I've got for anaylsis of my dream today. All I know is that I feel empty and hurt right now and I think it's partially left over from the dream but partially just how I've been feeling lately.


I'm not a girl for change. I hate it. I change my hair color and my clothes and I change the brand of shampoo I use. I change little things but I change those. I am in control of those changes. Not somebody else. So when the ads came up on journals and people started fleeing, I hated it. Still do but, I'm getting more used to it. The FLYlady reminders have taken on a different format and I don't like that. I'm not sure why that matters but it does. {Just got an explaination for this change. Yahoo is doing something but hell if I know what.} My parents divorce is one change I still can't get over. I'm still reeling from it and I don't know if I'll stop. I mean, in one swift move the foundation of my life was cracked away. I grew up with two parents that loved me and cared for me and while they fought with each other, I always got along great with them and they typically kept it to the evening. It would be around the time I got ready for bed that they'd fight if they fought at all. There were whole weeks they didn't fight. Or maybe that's just the memory of a little girl who wants to believe that. But they never fought in front of my friends until we moved. Then Lindz was subjected to it. I think that's part of why we're so close. Because their divorce and our move here are two of the big moments in my life. They were deal, hide, or die moments and I'm not quite sure at this point what I picked. I'm starting to think I choose to hide though for so long I thought I'd dealt with it. Lindz saw me change, let me change.


Oh my flipping God. This quote discribes my relationship with my father SO flipping well. It's from My So-Called Life (which btw: aired when I was four and my mother was like 21 and she watched it. It's about teenagers in high school and their drama. Yeah, my mom was deprived of a normal age 0 to like 25 if not more.)

Angela: My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us.

I was Daddy's little girl when I was younger but I started growing up and my hormones made me lash out and that put the chisel to the stone and then I started developing and now that chisel is chipping away daily. With each little change that happens to me, it gets wedged in deeper and deeper. My dad's afraid he'll become like his father. His father sexually molested three of his four daughters. I don't make things much easier either. I'm nearly 16 and when I get dressed it's to show off the fact that I've got a figure and that I'm a young woman, would you take notice please? I'm not that dork with the huge overbite and the glasses. I'm the young woman with the contacts andthe retainer you never see because I only wear it at night. I'm so much more than that inside but that is the first impression. So in order to show this, I wear tight jeans and low-cut shirts and this has caused a division between my father and I.



So here's that quote I was looking for originally.

Angela: There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

That's all I have to say for right now. I've spent an hour awake and that entire time was spent writing this. I have to go get ready now. Lindz and I are going to the carosel (sp?) mall in Syracuse today. And tomorrow's our five-year anniversary. Of the day we met and started to hate each other. We don't know the day we started to hang out together or like each other. But we've known each other for five years tomorrow. Have a good weekend everybody.

Love always,
Vickey

Bonjour!

I'm back. I have homework to do and bags to unpack. It's gonna take me til forever to get caught up with everything and I'm already feeling so overwhelmed. I am so tempted to just forget the homework and go upstairs and go to bed but I know I can't. I can't afford not to turn in my bio paper or to make both my grade and Misako's suffer if I don't work on my English project. Not to mention the humiliation of sucking in front of the entire class. I have to do this but I really don't wanna. I think I'll call up Lindz for a few and get back in touch with life in good old Ra-cha-cha before I start doing my hw. Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving and that you didn't try to brave the malls on Black Friday (and if you did, then I hope you're still alive and whole!). Happy Holidays to you all.

Love always,
Vickey