I wanna fall in love

Lindz and I were talking earlier and I want to make sure I have this part of the convo saved if my computer decides to dump everything. Don't laugh. It's happened to other people. Why should I be any different? The convo basically speaks for itself. The Josh refered to (in case you haven't gotten the memo yet) is a guy I like. He's Lindz's ex as well. Very drama causing. Anyhow, here's the convo.

vickey: i wanna fall in love
lindz: i know
vickey: kay, bear with this train of thought, kay?
lindz: uh huh
vickey: when you get horny, you typically want to, like, have sex or be intimate like that, right?
lindz: yeah
lindz: like megga but yeah
vickey: okay, well i don't get that. when i get "horny", what i want is romance. i want a guy to stand behind me and just wrap his arms around me while i'm talking to whomever. i want him to kiss me on the hand. to hug me or hold me. when i get horny, i don't want to screw or whatnot. i just want romantic gestures. hell, i've never even been like "omg i wanna kiss someone!" that may very well change once i have my first kiss but, for now it's not. i just want romance.
lindz: i was like that till i got a taste of things...
vickey: the most i'm willing to do is kiss a guy. and i don't even know if i'm ready to do that (not a word of this to anyone)
lindz: i know to that your not ready as you say, and to not saying anything
vickey: english please?
lindz: i have been able to tell that you dont think your ready. and i also i wont tell
vickey: oh, okay. i get it now

bit of convo that has no relevance to this point

vickey: i want fucking romance! argh! getting pissed at life slowly but surely
lindz: you know your not gonna get just romance from josh... hes gonna want to do stuff
vickey: i know. i also know that IF anything happens with him, i demand respect. and i refuse to do "stuff". i have my standards and i'd rather live without romance than have romance and be doing stuff i'm not ready for
lindz: yeah he well nvm
vickey: what?
lindz: he just trys to push it on you even thou he says he wont do that, he just doesent realize it... dont tell him i said that thou, please
vickey: i won't. but i also know that i don't cave. i refuse to do more than i am ready for and i won't sacrifice that for anyone. i'm not going to do something b/c i want romance when i won't be able to look myself in the eye (in the mirror)
lindz: yeah and hes not really the kind of guy that has to romance your looking for... hes not that romantic
vickey: i'm not looking for it from him specifically. if i were to find the romance i'm seeking in him, great. amazing. wonderful. if i don't, fine. whatever. all i know is i like him. i can't help that. but i'd rather stay far away from him than be sucked into things i can't respect myself if i do
lindz: yeah, well im just telling you, seeing as i dated him
vickey: and i'm just saying all this
vickey: if i don't say this, and if i don't get it out and i don't make sure you know this and i get sucked into something down the road, i can convince myself then that i wanted to. that i wanted to do all that and i was never against it. that i was ready for it. but if i get it out and i make sure some one other than me knows how i feel, i can't go back against it. i can't do something and say i was ready or say i wanted to. b/c we both know i'd be lying.
lindz: yep


Life is so weird sometimes! I want romance but there's no source of it in my life. When I get romance, y'all remind me not to toss it aside, kay? Remind me to cherish it.

Love always,
Vickey