See ya!

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm off to the Joshua Revolution in about ten minutes so I don't have much time. The next chance I'll have to update is Friday (the 30th) but I don't know if I will be. I've got a couple hours between JR and going to my auntie's (where I'll be until the new year). Gotta go finish packing and eat something. Hope your Christmas was great, your Kwanzaa or Hanukah is going good, and that your new year is fantabulous.

Happy New Year!

Plans

I'm about to start baking Christmas Cookies and I just wanted to pop on for a minute. I don't have much free time to be home and/or on the computer til the New Year and I wanted to let y'all know that. I'm going to church tomorrow morning then to my mom's. I'll try to pop on between then but, if not, I'm sorry. I'll be there til Thursday. Friday, I have school (one day this week. woohoo) and then Saturday is Christmas Eve. Sunday is Christmas (and I'm going to church that morning). Tuesday I leave for the Joshua Revolution (remember that thing I swore I'd go to this year come hell or high water? I'm going) and I won't get back until *counts on fingers* Friday when I'm *supposedly* going to Mom's. Then I'm supposed to come back the first or second then off to school the third. If not Mom's, I'll be at Gramma's for the new year unless I find a friend's house to crash at. :( I'll find some place, I'm sure. NOT ringing in the new year quietly again. It aggravates the hell out of me. For now, I'm off to bake cookies.

Oh, I use an apron when I bake (either a full body one or one that's just waist down) and one of the reasons I know I'm the "lady of the house" and that I'm grown up is my apron choice/use. I used to use this itty bitty one that's like 1ft by 1/2 a foot big (and fugly) but then I got a bigger (still fugly) one. Now, I use Mom's old one. It's the biggest apron (well waist down apron) and the prettiest and the one Mom ALWAYS used. I can tell I'm growing up because I feel natural in it, not like I'm playing at being grown up. Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

Vickey

Update: Oh lord guys! I just realized. I'm gonna get SO far behind on f-ing alerts. I've already got like 18 pages of alerts I'm behind on. That's 20 alerts per page. Damn. Plus five more days then a couple days to catch up then away for four more days! Dammit! I promise SOMEDAY I'll catch up. Someday before I fly away...


Update AGAIN: I turned off all alerts. I'll catch up later. I just can't handle the stress out over the amount in the folder. I'll catch up a different way. I will catch up. Happy Holidays to all!

Three.

My great-grandmother died around 7pm tonight. Knew it was coming but still dealing with it. My mom's a wreck and will be for a while. She's probably going to pick Joey and I up Sunday night and drop us off Wednesday. The funeral is probably Tuesday. I'm going to miss my first concert with Chorale. (That's the fact I'm fixating on at the moment.) I wasn't very close to her but, she was still my great-grandmother.

Rest in peace, Grandma.

 

(In case you're keeping track, this is the third. Charlie, Uncle Randy, Great-grandma. There are still two thirds up in the air. Cats and miscarriages. Let's hope the rule of threes isn't true.)

life

I haven't written much anywhere except my livejournal lately. I'm depressed again. Same as I was this time last year. My gramma thinks it might be a seasonal thing. My dad's depressed too and we're both at each others throats constantly. It's not fun and it doesn't feel like Christmas around here at all. I really want it to and I'm going to help foster that spirit as much as possible but, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Tomorrow I'll be doing Christmas cards. *pause to restrain myself from SI* Oh and making cookie dough. I'm so behind this year. I hate depressions. They're a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my third significant one. Sixth grade, ninth grade, and tenth grade. ::sigh:: When I can get out of this depression for a bit and want to write, I promise I'll let you all know what's going on with me. I've got a ton of entries to type up and I'll have those done by year's end. I'm starting the new year fresh. No homework, no quizzes or tests to make up, no entries to type up, no SI. I'm looking toward the new year for my salvation. For school, blogging, life. I'm pinning a lot on 2006. It'll never live up to what I expect. It's my 16th year, it should be amazing, but I'm probably going to start it still in this depression. I don't want this to become a yearly tradition but, I fear it may be. :( I have homework to do and peace to find. I'll be okay and I hope you are too. I'm so behind on alerts, I may just give up and start where y'all are. Anyone that moved, I've kept up. Anyone that stayed, I'm sorry but I haven't. Year's end will bring a complete overhaul of alerts. I've got to redo my "Other Journals" section too. (That's gonna hurt.)

Later.

Early morning thoughts

I had a dream last night. I was in this cafeteria type thing w/a bunch of people around me at picnic tables. It was dark-ish and I was sitting next to this guy, talking. Lindz was talking to some other guy a few feet away. So we're talking and then I leaned over and just kissed him. And had no clue what I was doing (and neither did he) so it was more like how you kiss your grandma. Plus, I'd only met this guy a couple hours (if that) ago. Not exactly the best first kiss. lol So the lights come on and I realize he doesn't look like what I thought he looked like. I mean, he's still kinda cute but I thought he'd looked like one thing and it turns out he's completely different. It was unnerving to say the least. So Lindz and I hightail it outta there to this store. And it's a HUGE store. We were looking at these fishtanks and I'm saying stuff like "Oh, my gramma had one like that and it's big. It had one goldfish in it and it was so *pause* cool. So we're walking along and all of a sudden Josh comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet and he's carrying me someplace. And we walk around for a bit (this is where I start to loose track of some of the dream). Somehow, I wind up in a car w/my idiot (not even 12 year old) brother driving, and Josh and I are in the back together. Lindz's mom is driving this car up ahead of us and Lindz is standing behind us. (Lindz is supposed to be where Josh is but for some reason she isn't and he is.) We're driving for a bit and I've got my face resting on Josh's chest and I see Lindz walking behind the truck. She's just walking normally and I guess either we're going really slow or she's going really fast or something but, hell if I know (one of my favorite phrases right now). She motions to me to kiss him. I kiss his cheeks, then his nose, then I actually kiss him and it's a better kiss than the one before but, not the greatest because I still have no idea what I'm doing. After a minute or so, I see Lindz making slashes across her throat with her hand (the "stop" signal thing). I flip her off w/o looking at her and so does Josh even though he didn't know she was there. I said something to him along the lines of "Did I do it wrong? Because I'm sorry if I did. I've never really done this before." Then I laid my head back down and we drove for another minute or two. Lindz's mom realized that Josh was in the car instead of Lindz and she turned her car around and my moron brother is supposed to turn the one we're in around. Somehow at this point, my brother and Josh disappears or jumps out of the car or something and Lindz is driving with me in the front seat. We're in my old town and we're supposed to be in the one from the first part of my dream (which is no place I've ever been that I remember). I keep telling her to turn her, turn around, but she doesn't. We keep driving and hit Oak or Pine Cones or Garden or something like that. It's like an apartment complex but it doesn't exist in real life. The car disappears and we're on bikes, going down this dirt road. We go a long way and finally see this barn. We keep going and are just hanging out a bit when this little blonde haired blue eyed girl on a red bike comes up with a switch of wheat. She's trying to hit us and I ask if I can explain why we're there. I start to and her dad (the farmer) comes on this loudspeaker and lights flash and he says "Would the two fertile young female customers come to the [insert some word I can't remember] please?" Lindz and I went and I tried to explain it to him but we just found up in an argument. I don't remember the rest of the dream but I know that I lied to him about how we got there.

What do I think this dream means? The first part is reflecting this thing going on with the guys on my bus. Chris and Ron call me the "uber-virgin" and until I get my first kiss, I'm the uber-virgin. When I get my first kiss, I'm just a virgin. If I don't get it before my sweet sixteen (less than 3 months from now), Ron says I'm the perpetual uber-virgin. The last part is the new part. So I've been thinking about just kissing some random stranger. Obviously that's reflecting those thoughts. I apparently fear that he won't be what I expect him to be. I have no clue what that huge store means but, I do know that another of my thoughts has been to kiss Josh. But that would unleash one hell of a lot of drama that I don't wanna deal with. That is shown by Lindz's "stop" motions. My anger at her control over me at times is shown by me flipping her off. That's all I've got for anaylsis of my dream today. All I know is that I feel empty and hurt right now and I think it's partially left over from the dream but partially just how I've been feeling lately.


I'm not a girl for change. I hate it. I change my hair color and my clothes and I change the brand of shampoo I use. I change little things but I change those. I am in control of those changes. Not somebody else. So when the ads came up on journals and people started fleeing, I hated it. Still do but, I'm getting more used to it. The FLYlady reminders have taken on a different format and I don't like that. I'm not sure why that matters but it does. {Just got an explaination for this change. Yahoo is doing something but hell if I know what.} My parents divorce is one change I still can't get over. I'm still reeling from it and I don't know if I'll stop. I mean, in one swift move the foundation of my life was cracked away. I grew up with two parents that loved me and cared for me and while they fought with each other, I always got along great with them and they typically kept it to the evening. It would be around the time I got ready for bed that they'd fight if they fought at all. There were whole weeks they didn't fight. Or maybe that's just the memory of a little girl who wants to believe that. But they never fought in front of my friends until we moved. Then Lindz was subjected to it. I think that's part of why we're so close. Because their divorce and our move here are two of the big moments in my life. They were deal, hide, or die moments and I'm not quite sure at this point what I picked. I'm starting to think I choose to hide though for so long I thought I'd dealt with it. Lindz saw me change, let me change.


Oh my flipping God. This quote discribes my relationship with my father SO flipping well. It's from My So-Called Life (which btw: aired when I was four and my mother was like 21 and she watched it. It's about teenagers in high school and their drama. Yeah, my mom was deprived of a normal age 0 to like 25 if not more.)

Angela: My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us.

I was Daddy's little girl when I was younger but I started growing up and my hormones made me lash out and that put the chisel to the stone and then I started developing and now that chisel is chipping away daily. With each little change that happens to me, it gets wedged in deeper and deeper. My dad's afraid he'll become like his father. His father sexually molested three of his four daughters. I don't make things much easier either. I'm nearly 16 and when I get dressed it's to show off the fact that I've got a figure and that I'm a young woman, would you take notice please? I'm not that dork with the huge overbite and the glasses. I'm the young woman with the contacts andthe retainer you never see because I only wear it at night. I'm so much more than that inside but that is the first impression. So in order to show this, I wear tight jeans and low-cut shirts and this has caused a division between my father and I.



So here's that quote I was looking for originally.

Angela: There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

That's all I have to say for right now. I've spent an hour awake and that entire time was spent writing this. I have to go get ready now. Lindz and I are going to the carosel (sp?) mall in Syracuse today. And tomorrow's our five-year anniversary. Of the day we met and started to hate each other. We don't know the day we started to hang out together or like each other. But we've known each other for five years tomorrow. Have a good weekend everybody.

Love always,
Vickey

Bonjour!

I'm back. I have homework to do and bags to unpack. It's gonna take me til forever to get caught up with everything and I'm already feeling so overwhelmed. I am so tempted to just forget the homework and go upstairs and go to bed but I know I can't. I can't afford not to turn in my bio paper or to make both my grade and Misako's suffer if I don't work on my English project. Not to mention the humiliation of sucking in front of the entire class. I have to do this but I really don't wanna. I think I'll call up Lindz for a few and get back in touch with life in good old Ra-cha-cha before I start doing my hw. Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving and that you didn't try to brave the malls on Black Friday (and if you did, then I hope you're still alive and whole!). Happy Holidays to you all.

Love always,
Vickey

Adieu my dears.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for my mother's house. I shall write while I am there and if I have the chance, I shall update you all. If I do not have a chance, I shall return on Sunday. Please forgive me as I attempt to catch up with your journals over the next fortnight or more. I must go. A thousand times good-bye. Anon, my dears, anon.

And yes, if you must ask, I am watching Shakespeare in Love. And I am feeling very inspired. It is now time for me to bid you adieu.

Happy Thanksgiving. Keep warm.
Love always,
Vickey

Celebration :)

Woo-freaking-hoo! And no that is not sarcastic. Gotta make this quick 'cuz I've got two essays to write due in the next two days. Now y'all've heard me say how behind I am in reading journals, right? I've got less than 100 left! LESS THAN 100! It's in the DOUBLE digits NOT the triple digits! ::happy dance:: I'm so happy about that. Plus I fixed my LJ yesterday all by myself *and* I get to see Murph tomorrow! :-) And ummm..... I'll tell you how it goes. (Not saying anything b/c idk if anything'll happen except hanging out... don't worry, I won't get drunk, high, pregnant, or STD-infected) I am very very happy. I've gotta go run and write those papers and hop a shower. And throw in a load of wash. *sigh* Oh well. Easy enough if I can master these damn papers. Ugh, and I really wanna tell y'all about these things I'm making for my friends at school but I'm going to send some to some of my JLand friends as well (fyi: even if you left JLand, if that's how I met you, that's how you'll probably be referenced). But they should be really cool and fun to make. I just don't know if I'm doing that for my few guy friends as well or not. (Some of them wouldn't really appreciate it but, some of them might. Yes I'm being vague. Ooo! I know an alternative. But idk...) Anyhow, my brother's pissing me off once again by being a flipping moron and those papers won't write themselves. I'll see ya around tomorrow. But *only* if my homework is done and I'm not busy hanging w/Mag, Lindz, and Murph.

Love ya,
Vickey

Weekend Assignment

As I go through my e-mails and read alerts, I'm uncovering more and more friends who are leaving or have left AOL. I agree that the ads are wrong and that AOL needs to get a clue but, I can't leave. We're far flung right now and as I discover that journalers are leaving, I go to my alerts page and do what I hate to... I delete the alert. If they're only on boycott, I don't mess with it but, if they've moved, I am deleting alerts. Which is the suckiest thing in the world. As I watch my alerts list shrink and the number of blogs in my bookmarks (only non-AOL journals) grow, I get sadder and sadder. I will probably wind up leaving this community eventually. I will blog elsewhere but I would really rather not. I write differently every window I open. In LJ I write one way, in Xanga another, in MySpace a completely different way. Then I have another journal which only one person has my address to and it is completely uncensored. (No you cannot have the link.) I temporarily turned alerts off to By the Way... simply because of the sheer volume of alerts I have to catch up on. It looks like I can turn it back on though to make up for the number of journals I'm losing. For those of you who are leaving, I will follow you to your new journals as I have said. For those who are staying, this place doesn't feel the same, does it? As for this moment, I'm going to do what I do every week I can. I'm going to write my weekend assignment. I have not posted that here in months but I want to put it here today. So bear with me as I post things places I normally would not.

Weekend Assignment #86: Who are you thankful for -- who you won't be able to spend this Thanksgiving with? This is a chance to tell us about the people you care about who will be far away from you this holiday, or who have passed on but remain in your heart.

Extra Credit: Pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie -- which do you choose for Thanksgiving dessert?

Firstly, I'll be spending Thanksgiving at my mum's house with my stepdaddy, my sister, my grandpa, Shelia, Beth, my brother, and possibly some other people. Those are the people I will see this Thanksgiving. But I won't get to see my big "sister", Julia. I won't get to see my friends from school, my friends from JLand, or my friends I know here outside of school. There are a lot of people I won't see and I am grateful for (almost) all of them. I'll miss my friends that day. My friends help me through a lot of stuff (and vice versa). I spend most of my waking hours with them or talking to them. Without my darling friends, life would be far less entertaining and far less worth living.

I love you all and I miss you.

(Extra credit: Pumpkin pie, thank you very much.)

Long time no survey (here)

I normally do these in my Wastin My Time J but I wanted to do one in here today...

Spell your name backwards: Htebazile Airotciv (that looks cool)

have you ever had a song written about you: Not that I know of

what song makes you cry: Depends on where I am mentally and emotionally

what song makes you happy:  Umm.... *thinks* idk?

what's your all time fav. song?: You are my sunshine. My mommy sings it to me sometimes. She used to do it more when I was little.

what do you listen to before you go to sleep: the local country station

height: 5' 2"

hair color: Brown with red and blonde highlights (natural) and leftover red tint

piercings: one per ear (each done 3 times)

tattoos: can't wait to get one :)

what color pants are you wearing: ha Lindz's pj pants. They're black w/white writing all over that says "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME." by David and Goliath

what song are you listening to: I'm not right now

what taste is in your mouth?: *tries to figure it out* Sprite

whats the weather like?: Kinda chilly but sunny :)

how are you?: tired, a wee bit sad, mostly happy

get motion sickness?: sometimes

have a bad habit?: Me? Bad habits? Never! I swear, I use my cell during school, I drink out of the carton, I eat too many sweets, and I'm a bitch sometimes.

get along with your parents?:  Mostly

boyfriend/girlfriend: Single... and okay with it for the moment

have a current crush: Ummm.... there are six guys I'm counting right now. Wanna know who? Fine... Cute guy in English class (JJ), my ex (Bryan), the guy from youth group (Tom), an old friend that I'll probably always be like this with, Lindz's ex (Josh), and another friend who is off at college at the moment. If their names aren't listed, don't ask.

have a big regret: I hate regretting. What's happened in the past is in the past and it made me who I am today. But I truly regret refusing to acknowledge the fact that even if I didn't say good-bye, my dad was still going to take Duchess to the vet and put her down. That is my biggest regret right now. I just want to go back in time and hug her and kiss her and love her and say good-bye. I want to love my dog once more before she had to be put down.

Annoyance: Currently the tears rolling down my face over a dog who has been dead for almost 8 years.

Favorite Group: Assuming you mean musically..... A Step Left, The Click 5, Five Star Riot, and Rascall Flatts are all up there.

Current Desktop picture: Same as ever. Gold flower

tv show: Dawson's Creek, Related, Law and Order:SVU, Sex and the City

conditioner: Thermasilk

book: The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

non alcohol drink: Cherry Coke i think

alcohol drink: never had an alcohol I like (this is the story we go with...)

things to do on the weekend: This weekend I've actually got plans. Last night was the faculty hockey game between my town and another town. Tonight is my school's fall play in which darling Ricky will be preforming. Tomorrow I'm going to Mass at a Catholic Church and then to see my great-grandma and Ali in the hospital (great-grandma got a pacemaker and Ali had a CF attack).

Thank you, Dawn!

*sigh*

So I was searching for something and I came across this journal entry in a blog I used to read but for some reason stopped. Not sure why. But anyhow, this entry is amazingly written and so much of it seems to me that it applies to myself. If you've got a couple minutes, please read it. It's an "Ode to the Nice Girls" and it is long but it's good.

So many people went private in the past days. It really saddens me. It feels JLand is being pulled apart and that *really* depresses me. I'm gonna go try to cheer myself up. Later, babe.

Decision

Okay, I've decided what I'm doing. I hate the banner but I would hate relocating more. I'm staying. If you choose to leave and start a new journal, I'll follow you but I won't start a journal there. If you choose to leave and discontinue journalling, I'll miss you. I wish AOL would remove the banners but if they don't, I am putting a disclaimer in my journal description that says that I do not support the presence of the ads or what they are advertising. That's my decision. I hope this doesn't destroy JLand. I love the sense of community I've found here and the friends I've made. But if it does, I will truly miss it. Y'all keep in mind that if JLand is destroyed we are the only ones who lose. AOL will not care even if we all discontinue using their services at all. Time for math homework. Oh, and that other journal I just linked to, I'm deleting it as soon as I post this entry.
Vickey

Controversy

Anyone who moves to another server please leave me your address. I'll let you know soon what I'm doing so please check back here. I'm thinking about using that back-up xanga as my normal journal but, I'm not sure so I won't say it definitly. I will, however, be working more diligently on saving my entries there. I would hate to loose the sense of community here, even if we all choose different servers. Please don't lose that community. We are not bonded by our server but by our relationships. Please leave your new URLs in the comments section or e-mail me. I don't want to lose you as friends.

Vickey

Okay, I have a new journal. It's an AIM blog and I don't know if I'm going to keep it but for the moment, here's the link. It's under a different screen name, so you know. I will be keeping this blog until otherwise noted but will/may write in that one until I figure out how mad I am about the banners.

Ahhhh!

Okay, just to let you all know quickly what's going on...

tomorrow will be spent with the following tasks
-catching up on alerts
-doing the biomes project that's due today
-typing up entries
-youth group if I have time

thursday I have a debate and Friday I have a major english paper due. along with about 50 little things that all added up cause one hell of a lot of stress.

My great-grandma is in the hospital on comfort care. She's not going to make it to New Year's. My other great-grandma just went to the hospital tonight with chest pains. She's one of the few older people I actually know and care about in my family. The others I just don't know well enough to care much. But I couldn't deal with it if something happened to her. I'll keep y'all updated as to what's happening. Love ya! Oh, and my school is like the book 1984. It's rediculous. I'm not even kidding you. But I gotta go. Have to shower and get to bed by ten.

Vickey

I can't do this...

I'm mad. I'm so mad today. Lately actually. I get pissed off by the slightest things. Mostly at a friend that really needs me. I know she needs me but I'm dealing with my own shit and I don't feel I can deal with hers too. It's so tough lately to just be who I am. To offer advice and a shoulder to cry on. I feel like that's all I am to some people. I'm sick of it and I can't deal with it. All she did was say one simple thing that in a different mood I could have taken differently but in my anger at everything, I snapped. I put up an away so I wouldn't yell at her saying "not doin this". And that's just it. I'm not doing it.

My life is in shambles right now. At least it feels like it. I've got so much to deal with right now and it's tough to deal with my own shit let alone hers. And her shit is BIG today. It's huge. (Basically, that friend I've mentioned a few times? The one who got pregnant? She lost the baby.) I can't deal with this. I've become a mother to everyone I know. And I don't mind this when mothering is balanced with hanging. But it's not. With this friend (I'll call her Betty b/c I'm sick of writing friend and b/c that's what I called her in my private J), it's all mothering and supporting and helping her through. Guess what? I can't do it anymore.

She's the one who was irresponsible enough to have sex without a condom or any form of birth control, why should I have to help her through this? Why is it *my* responsibility? We never hang out anymore. We never just act our age anymore. We're 15. Hell, she's younger than I am. We're supposed to be immature and irresponsible at least some of the time but I haven't talked to Betty in a long time when there wasn't an undercurrent of seriousness. Yes, I LOVE serious discussions. I love debates and arguments about frivilous things. But what happened to just laughing our heads off at nothing? To just sitting around drinking coke and eating pizza without a care in the world? Or where our most serious discussions were on whether or not so-and-so likes us or not and the occasional "I'm so gonna flunk English" comment quickly followed up with easy reassurance and general comments that could apply to anyone and any subject.

Last winter, Betty and I were out front at her house. We had a snowball fight. In just jeans and sweatshirts. We were freezing. But we laughed the day away. And when we got inside (freezing and a risk for hypothermia), we got changed and warmed our butts up. But we were just being kids. Just having fun. Just being immature and getting soaked to the bone without realizing until after the fact that we probably could have gotten ourselves put into Strong Hospital with hypothermia. The point is we were just acting like kids. Just being ourselves. We haven't done that in a long long time. In at least two months. I've done it with other people (like that leaf fight I had with Ron or playing tag on the beach at Jack's birthday party) but I haven't done it with her. And that is the difference. No relationship can sustain constant seriousness or constant mothering. That is what our friendship is trying to deal with right now.

I don't know if we'll survive. I truly hope so because she is a very very close friend. But between dealing with all the death of the recent past and falling behind in school and my family and *everything* that I am, I cannot handle helping her through her miscarriage as well. I just can't handle that too. I've got an away message up right now on AIM. This is most of what it says, "i'm sick of dealing with everyone else's problems when i can't even deal with mine. so until i can, i'm not dealing with your isht. find somebody else. i'm sorry but this is the way it has to be for a while. til my life gets back on track, i can't help you."

So Betty, if you're reading this, I don't mean to snap or go away randomly. When I go away randomly, that's me trying not to unleash all the termoil within *me* on you. Kinda like you did the other night. I'm just trying not to take everything out on you. I take it out on my journals instead. Now, if you want me to snap at you, let me know and I will not hesistate to scream my flipping head off at you. No problems with that. But I have the feeling that such an action would only add to your problems and I don't want to do that. I may not be able to help you right now but, I sure can refrain from consciously adding to your shit.

Until my life is more on track than it is right now and until my emotions are in check, I cannot help you, Betty. That's just the way it's gotta be for right now. Talk to somebody else because I can't deal with it right now. Maybe that's selfish of me and maybe that's mean or cruel or whathaveyou but, I cannot help you. I cannot help anyone until I help myself. For this I am sorry because my role is advice giver and comforter and "mother" mostly. I cannot fill my role for you right now. I cannot deal with a problem so big when my own problems are currently rising up to choke me. My head is barely above water and if I try to take on your problems, I'll drown. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Get a shrink, talk to your guidance counselor, talk to one of your other friends. I'll let you know when I can deal again. For now, I'm sorry but I can't. I just can't do this anymore. I can't help everyone else at the sacrifice of myself. Just like that night I stayed up til 2am and helped keep one of our friends from killing herself and suffered for it the next day, I cannot help you and suffer for it. You need help. You need *professional* help. I am not a professional. I'm just a fifteen year old girl with insecurities and doubts and worries and problems of her own who cannot add yours to an already staggering load.

This is not to say that I don't want to be your friend. I do. I'm not throwing away our friendship because I am overwhelmed. I just can't deal with the seriousness as much as you expect me to. I can't save you from this fate any more than you can. Talk to God. Go back to church. Talk to a shrink. But I am not your counselor. I am your friend and as such I reserve the right to have my own life and not be suffocated by the problems of others including yourself. If you can deal with that, let me know. If not, I don't know. I hate to lay down an ultimatium and I'm not but, I can't deal with your shit on top of my own. I'm sorry.

Thank you all for listening and for being there. I'm sorry I haven't written much lately. I've got about a billion entries I owe you all and I promise to get to them soon. I'm also trying to catch up with entries. I've got something like 138 of them to read. Plus FLYlady stuff and Holiday Cruise isht. That's it for right now. I love you all.

Vickey

Well...

This might seem inappropriate to many of you in light of what I wrote about minutes ago in my post but, I'm trying to keep my mind off that. So, here is some randomness (as Dawn called it).

post five weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of five people who are next in line to do this.

1. I have a fascination with the human body, particularly the female body (yes, I am straight). It's mostly an artistic thing.

2. I feel most secure around mass amounts of water (think ocean, lake, streams, etc.) or when I'm being creative (taking pictures, drawing, writing, etc.).

3. I have 5 rubber bracelets (like the livestrong ones). Brain cancer, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, "make a difference", and the one I got at the Harry Potter book midnight release. But the two I really want are CF and uterine cancer. Oh, and heart disease (if they have one). (Ali, Mom, and most of my family.)

4. I sing. Constantly. You know I'm in a great mood if I'm singing all the time and if I'm laughing. Oh, and flirting. And when I flirt, it's typically not with just one person. It'll be with like 5 at once. Like today it was Josh and Bryan at the same time. Not one or the other.

5. I'm nearly 16, I can get my permit in less than five months, and once Dad can find my birth certificate and my social security card, I can get a work permit and thus, can get a job.

Five people I'd like to do this:
Promise (assumed you'd want this J, if not, sry), Bernadette, Brandi, Sara, and Mary

In memoriam...

My uncle Randy died a few minutes ago. He had no brain activity and his wife (my aunt Karen) and his mom (my great-gramma) decided a life without living wasn't worth it. That's three deaths in my family this year. My two cats and my uncle. But he's the fourth death that's impacted me (my cats and Charlie). My prayers were answered. He's not suffering anymore, he's not in pain, he's happy.

May you rest in peace, Uncle Randy.

Fight

I got in a fight today. It lasted about five minutes before I continued home. The guy I was fighting with got me worse than I got him. I love Autumn. Leaf fights are so great. (Yes, I was in a leaf fight. Not a fist fight.) Ron and I got into it on the way home. Whatshisface was in it for about 2 seconds but he got tired of watching Ron and I throw leaves at each other and went home. We threw handfuls of leaves at each other and I tried to hang upside down from the tree but, I couldn't get a good grip on the tree. How do I adequately capture the exhiliration of a leaf fight in words? It was so great. Leaf fights are amazing.

I'm going to youth group tonight for the first time in months.

And one more thing, could you please pray for my uncle Randy? He had a heart attack and he's in a coma. He's got minimal brain activity and that which he does have is only for involuntary actions. Thank you.

Thoughts

It's one am and I should so be asleep but I just can't get myself to go lay down and try to sleep. So I've talked to Lindz, debated drinking a shot of Jack Daniels (I didn't), and nearly made myself puke trying to get the tuna out of the back of my throat. My friend Ali's really sick. She has CF and she's in the hospital. She'll be there til Monday. The doctors don't want her to leave but they're not making her stay. They say she only has a month left to live. She'll be 19 in December. I don't believe the doctors. I think she'll see the year 2006. I don't know why I feel this way or why I am so convinced or why it seemed more real when I didn't know the length of time but, that's the way it is. I can't articulate anything too well at this hour. I have a billion entries to catch up with but I just can't motivate myself to do it. I need to get into a routine but, I keep getting thrown off. Idk what it is but, something throws me off and I get hopelessly behind in so many aspects of my life. Tonight just isn't very good for me. I'll be better in the morning. I'll write more then. For now, get some sleep if you're still on. And if you're reading this Sunday morning, good morning. :)

Vickey

Flawed Beauty

I remember this one time I went to this mother-daughter makeover thing with my mom. They taught up how to use makeup and what shades were the right ones to use for us and whatnot. I was the youngest person there. It must have been spring of 2001 or fall of 2000. I still see some of the older girls at school so they must have been about 15-16-ish. I remember going to the bathroom when she put the concealer on my face. When I came back, I refused to use it because I didn't want to admit I had flaws. I didn't want to admit that my face had mistakes. Like the bags that are under my eyes. Or the pimples I now get. Or the fact that my nose is always pink. I couldn't admit this when I was 10 or 11. I couldn't admit it. And so I didn't use concealer. I still don't use concealer but for different reasons. I don't use it now because it doesn't look natural because I don't know how to do it. Because I didn't try to do it then. I am NOT perfect. I have dark-circles under my eyes. They are there. They are not possible to ignore. They are the result of heredity, sleep deprivation, and dehydration. My nose is red. Especially when I get cold. My face is PALE. I NEVER have a tan. Even in the summer. I can't run a mile in less than 11 minutes let alone in under 9. I am not perfect. I have flaws. And I will always have them. Those circles under my eyes? They're permanent. I can't even HIDE them most of the time. It is five years later and I know that it's okay to be "flawed". It's okay to ADMIT you have flaws and mistakes and imperfections. Because beauty is not in symetry. It is not in looking perfect. It is in the imperfections, the "mistakes". Cindy Crawford's mole? Some view it as a deformity. It made her famous. Guess what? I have a mole EXACTLY like that only on the left side of my face. I've gotten comments on my "imperfection". Positive comments. I have big brown eyes. That I love. Maybe I'm not a size zero, blue-eyed, big boobed, tiny waisted blonde. But I am a size 5, brown-eyed, small chested brunette with a J.Lo butt and the hips to go with it. And would I change places with a blue-eyed, size zero, blonde if I could? Sometimes. But I LOVE my eyes. I LOVE the gorgeous colors in my hair. I wouldn't have big boobs even if I could. And that J.Lo butt and hips sure do get noticed on the dance floor for all the right reasons. Some consider brown hair or a small chest flaws. Some think being a size five with hips is horrific. I don't see it that way. I have "flaws". I have "imperfections". But I say, God made me the way I am for a reason. And I intend to use it to my advantage. The guy for me will love my brown hair and my small chest rather than lusting after a busty blonde. I am not what the media would see as perfect. I am not what some see as beautiful. By their standards, I am imperfect. I am flawed. And I am ugly. But by admitting my "flaws" and owning up to them, I accept them and I embrace them. And I become beautiful in my confidence.

Commitment

First, my comment alerts are malfunctioning. So if I leave a comment or send you an e-mail (this is more with Doors of the Season than with normal commenting) saying "I can't wait to hear from you" or whatnot, forgive me, please! Second, I commit here and now before all of you as my witnesses to FLY my way through this holiday season. I will declutter my room, I will make my cookie dough before I need it done, I will make my Christmas cards and come up with an idea for the Christmas countdown before December 1. Since we're hosting Christmas Eve this year, I'll be on top of that too. I'll plan out what I'm getting or making for whom and when I'll need to work on that. Not to mention my job. I need to get on top of that. (I need my work permit and a job application for Wegman's. And I hope I get that job.) I will not be stressing out this holiday season because I will be on top of my game. Thanks to FLYlady and the Holiday Control Journal. But before I start seriously thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have to go carve my pumpkin. Halloween is less than two weeks away!

Old entries

10/6
He hugged me this morning and that's all that's keeping me from breaking down. I lost my cell. Mom's gonna kill me. I'm praying it either fell out in Becky's car or I left it on Lindz's bed. I can feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders. My chiro got it out yesterday, then Aric kept it out, then paper burning released anger and frustration and left calm. Now the tension is back and I'm dead. Missed LOST last night but had immense fun laughing and blushing at Pizza Hut for over 2 hours! Aric is amazing. I love him. But it's Josh's hug that keeps me going this morning.

Hahaha. Fire alarm went off. Now the whole school is outside. Somebody pulled the alarm. Found Josh. Bryan found me. They were hacking a pear but now they're off somewhere with a sack. I'm just killing time. Sitting down, writing. Poetry, blog entries. Wishing I had followed them. Knowing I'm more secure here than I would be there. We're at the point when people start getting bored and tired of standing. So ppl are sitting down on wet grass or the luckier ones are on pavement like me. I've got For Good stuck in my head again/still. Btw: if you don't read this, no harm done. It's just passing time. So if all of them just passed me, where's Josh? I swear, if he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes. And if he doesn't, we won't go out b/c I'm not asking him out.
I'm getting excessively bored. I should just go walk and find somebody but I don't completely fit in with the corner crowd. I'm a little more conservative than they are. I don't smoke, do drugs, or have sex while most of them do at least one of those three.
Okay, so the firemen have come and went. I don't see why we're still outside. It's been about an hour. I'm missing lunch now. How much does that suck? I know one thing: it's not Josh's fault this time.
Lindz makes new friends pretty easily whereas I don't. I'm shy and withdrawn until I get to know someone. Then, I'm nuts. When the self-consciousness and shyness fade, the craziness creeps in. (What a day to lose my cell.) So I've been sitting here by myself singing For Good, writing a new song and writing this crap. Wish I could find Lindz, Jack, Sayid, or Russo. Or Josh. Or get over my shyness and insecurities and go sit w/Alex or someone. Now, I am one lost in a sea of cliques. I may as well just leave. But I don't b/c last time I walked off campus, I got caught and in trouble (aka 2 day suspension plus tutoring at the Foreman Center).
Just so freaking bored. It's nearly *interrupted by Josh*
So I went over w/Josh and felt throughly out of place. Then they let us in but we're in lockdown mode. I missed 1/2 of German, all of bio, and all of lunch. Now we're into missing gym. Josh has a power over me like Jon did. He can make me happy with such a little thing. But I often wind up feeling empty, like I forgot something when I leave him. But today, I left his presence feeling complete and happy. Oh, and instead of calling him dork, I now call him sexy. I wanna talk to Lindsay. I guess I'll do some homework now. ::big smiles::

Note: Found my cell that night.

10/7
Josh is gonna be a problem between me and Lindz for a while, I think. B/c I get jealous when they flirt and she gets jealous (though she says she doesn't) when I do. And if we're like that over flirting, what would it be like if one of us dated him (again)? They kissed yesterday and I flipped. What gets me is Lindz says she's over him, said I could date him if I want and she wouldn't care. This obviously isn't the case.

10/11
Sorry about that hiatus yesterday. I was really planning on going away for a bit. I went to write in my private J about how I hadn't updated about a certain situation lately but I'd explained it to the person it mattered about and I wound up getting a bunch of stuff off my chest and I felt like I'd gotten it out right. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm collaping in on myself, it's b/c I can't get words out right. Once I do, I feel fine. I think part of the reason I keep going through this cycle of feeling choked, giving up ever feeling good again, purging my soul, feeling relieved, and getting stressed again is that I can't talk about a few major things in here or to Lindz. Talking about stuff helps me get things out. With Lindz it's like there's an elephant in the room these days. And we never mention the elephant even though as time goes on it gets to be a bigger and bigger elephant. Right now, it's possible to ignore but it soon won't be.

I'm in free right now and JJ is sitting next to me. I think I wrote about him once before. He's the cute guy from my English class that got stuck in the Jefferson Monument with me in eighth grade. But he's cuter now. :) Jack's highlighting her lines and Russo's doing math hw that's due next period. I already finished my English hw (that's due next) and the german hw that's due tomorrow. Can't do anything else here. Just killing time. This is such a pointless entry. Now Sheli and Sarah are singing Bohemian Rapsody. lol :)

10/12 I'm sick and I want to be at home on the couch w/a cup of tea and my sick blanket. It's just a cold or the flu or something but my whole head aches and for some reason my back just decided to hurt. But my main concern is to be better by Friday. Friday is the memorial concert for Charlie and I really want to participate with Chorale. (And of course this morning when I look to see if there's any medicine-yuck-I can take anything applicable expired.) Oh well. If people can deal with MS, CF, AIDS, or any number of other disease (with no cure), I can deal with one little cold and a few scrapes and bruises. But it does suck. And since I caught this from my dad, I know it's only gonna get worse. My dad has only taken about a dozen (if that) sick days since he started work at Kodak and he took 2 or 3 for this. So I'm staying home tomorrow but getting meds to kill so I can make it through the dress rehearsal and concert Friday. It means a lot to me to preform. It's a very uplifting, inspiring song and it speaks to who Charlie was. I want to honor the memory of the happiest, strongest, most inspirational person to walk the halls of this instituion we call high school.



Okay, holy freakin crap. I've got more to type up but my brother has hw to do on the computer that he's put off til Sunday night and I've got hw to do (and a lab report that I'm not gonna have time to do :( ). Oh, just so you know, I'm all better. My cold is 100% gone and the concert went superbly. I'll be back tomorrow.
Vickey

Questions

Is it just me or do you not leave your (insecure) 15 year old daughter standing at the customer service desk of Wegman's with four bags of groceries and take of to see somebody when she has no clue where you are? I swear I'm pissed off! Mind you the edge has been taken off because I found out that Promise is okay. She's not great but she's alive and that is the alert I have been waiting for since the end of September. But still, you do not leave an insecure (how I feel today) fifteen year old alone especially when she's already spotted about 6 different cashiers she knew and there are hot guys milling about! I was thisclose to leaving and going to the car. I was also having trouble breathing (happens when I get distressed or emotional) and was thisclose to crying. This has not been a good day.

Haunted helplessly

There are words and images and thoughts without definite form swirling around in my head this morning, taunting me, teasing me, horrifying me, depressing me, and, worst of all, making me regret. There are words from the eulogy, from reflections about Charlie, from songs sung at the memorial concert. There are images of guys I've liked (guys I do like as well) and the moments I regret about them, the things I didn't do, that I feared. There are thoughts of "If only I'd..." and "What does that mean?" floating about. And then there are those thoughts which I cannot name and cannot identify beyond the way they make me feel: apprehensive, depressed, and a titch hopeless. I cannot shake these feelings, I cannot get this images out. They're haunting me and I haven't the slightest idea as to why. The memorial concert for Charlie last night was emotional. It was the most significant concert I have ever been to and probably ever will go to. It's the closest thing to a funeral I've been to. And it was painful. I should have brought kleenex. I cannot shake these feelings as much as I try. And they are the feelings I hate the most. I feel so heavy, so weighted, and not in the good way. Last night I could feel Charlie so heavily at the beginning of the night, I could feel his presence. And as the night went on, it slowly left. He become farther away. I think he had to stay long enough to see us all okay and when he realized we were, he decided he could watch from farther away and that is exactly what he did. It left me feeling hopeless and helpless. Everyone was crying and hugging. I felt so out of my element. I'm okay with advice and I'm okay with "it'll be okay" and whatnot but that didn't feel right. I felt like there was this wall up at the end. Like I was seperated from everyone. And it just felt helpless. While I was hugging Ricky and Jack, I didn't feel like I could do anything more. And I couldn't stand to see them in such obvious pain and hurt. I know Jack wasn't thinking about Charlie. I know part of her thoughts were with her dad. How could they not be? I don't like feeling confused. And I don't like feeling like I can't do anything to help. And that is how I felt last night. Well, the last part, not so much the first. These thoughts don't seem to want to leave and I cannot force them out. I believe I'll see if a shower and a bit of decluttering in my room will help. And perhaps I can convince my dad to go to the cider mill today instead of tomorrow.

A renewed struggle

I've renewed my stuggle with self-injury. It sucks and it's so hard but I wrote about this in my LJ (the J that most of my friends read if they read one) and they were so supportive! They started out saying stuff like "Just stop! Don't do this to yourself!" and whatnot but then I really went into it and explained it's not that simple. And it isn't. Anyone that's been where I am can tell you that. I've never cut myself but I have scratched myself numerous times with my nails. I finally cut them off. It's a lot harder to hurt yourself when your main mode of doing so is gone. And I don't want to find another way to. I want to stop wanting to. If you want to see what I wrote in my LJ, here are links to the entries I've written so far about it.

One
Two
Three
Four

And I will keep y'all posted but I think this drama will mainly be contained to that journal. Last year at this time, I relied on this journal and you all to support me. Now, I need to rely on the people I see every day. The ones that can check and make sure. The ones I can pick up the phone and call to be distracted. Thank you for helping me through the past year. It was a really tough time and I know that at that time what I needed was just to know somebody cared. And the comments I got really pulled me through. But what I need this time is the girls I see every day to make sure I haven't done anything and the girls I can call up if I need to be distracted because when I'm mad, I can't write. My words bubble up and choke me and come out in angry horrid statements that are so far beneath what I need to express. Things like "I HATE HIM! I'D BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF AT MOM'S! I'M RUNNING AWAY! I CAN'T STAND TO BE HERE ONE MORE NIGHT!" Okay, I totally have to go now. I would keep writing but I have a memorial concert to get ready for.

Vickey

Old entries

9/26

I am such a girly girl sometimes. Let me tell you about my accident first. Becky decided to take Lindz, Ali, and I to this little park about 15 minutes away with a waterfall on the Erie Canal. It had a little playground with swings and parallel bars, a teeter-totter and another thing or two. Ali and I weigh about the same so we did the teeter-totter and went to the swings. Ya know how if you go crooked on a swing, you have to watch your legs to make sure they don't smack the support? I didn't pay close enough attention and my leg smacked the support. I screamed and Ali offered to kiss it better. She did and then I made Lindz. I hobbled about a bit but my mobility was barely limited. Today, Ihave a huge bruise and it's somewhat difficult to walk. I try to limit my trips up and down stairs but this is nothing compared to what some are dealing with.
So back to my earlier statement, I curled my hair, shaved my legs, and put on heels this morning.

9/27
Way too many cliches! My math teacher just gave about 200 cliches in the course of 5 minutes. I was late this morning again. I started reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens last night. I should probably slow down and do the baby steps it talks about. Here are the baby step deposits I'll make to myself tonight: I will... -unpack my bag ASA I get home. -switch/fold my laundry. -write my book or lab report. -go to bed at 9 and get up at 6.

9/28
If my good grades don't boost my mood, why do my bad grades decimate it? All the ways I have used for fifteen years to cope with life and stress and worry are flying out the window. Writing doesn't work, daydreaming doesn't work, thinking my problems through doesn't work, occupying my mind with a book, magazine, or song doesn't work. A hot shower doesn't. Tonight I plan to see if a bath will work. It frustrates me so much when I can't pour my thoughts out on paper or in tears. I want to see my mom. I think that will help a lot. She comes at 7am Saturday. By 9:30, I'll be playing with Sami and at 6, I go to work at Bradley Farms with Mom and Joey. That feels like the cure for the massive amounts of stress I'm feeling. I can handle the once a month visits that are now necessary because of gas prices and financial struggles on both Mom and Dad's parts. But I cannot handle going two months without them. Once a month (or every two weeks, depending on money), I retreat from the stresses of this world. I forget about the difficulties I'm having in school, the fights with friends, the crushes I have, and all the other crap up here in Rochester and I become two main, simple roles: daughter and sister. That's one reason I don't invite friends down often. It's my retreat from this life so why would I add more roles and less peace to my life? I recharge there. I hate to leave but I know when I do I'll be more able to cope with this life from just one weekend :)

Hey, Sawyer. I'm writing in my "quick cursive". See why I don't ever write in cursive unlike some of us ahm ahm. Our school is so f*cking cold. x_x You need depends diapers and if you could read that I'll laugh. Sawyer has rice in her hair. hahaha Sawyer is yelling at fat freshman. Bwahahaha. Ahhh! Jack

(The above in the different font is written by my dear friend Jack.)

10/3
I spent last period in the auditorium instead of the cafeteria. I signed a paper about Charlie. I wrote two letters; one to him and one about him. I never even met him but I'll always remember his smiling face. Despite his cancer, I never passed him in the hall or saw him before choir when he didn't have a smile on his face. The world has lost a great man.

10/4
I feel yuck today. I've come to the conclusion that when I get stressed, I get migraines. For all of you who've never had a migraine, they suck. Your whole head aches, light and sound (of which there is no lack of at my school) make it hurt worse, and when all you want to do is lay down and let it pass, most of the time that luxury passes far past most of us. For those that do get migraines, don't they suck? And idk about you but advil doesn't even put a dent in the ones I get. I'm gonna have to wait until my physical in DECEMBER to see if there's anything my doctor can give me or tell me to do. I can't get rid of stress so, unfortunately, I'll have to treat the symptoms rather than the problem. For about a month, I've gotten a headache most days around second period (aka math w/Mrs. Pain-in-the-ass-I mean, Zschoche-said-Chucky).


more to come soon.... (like tomorrow when I'm home sick)

end hiatus

why is it that everytime one injury is just getting bareable i get another? first i get this unexplained bruise on my hip. then i scrape my leg against a swingset support and get this nasty deep bruise/scrape on my calf. then my brother trips me and i skin my knees. now i fall up the basement stairs hitting my skinned knee and bending 3 toes backwards! and hitting my shin on the stairs. what is with this people!?

and btw: my hiatus only lasted about an hour or two. i just couldn't think of anything to say when i decided to end it. so y'all get this. :) i took a benedryl last night and i was asleep by 7:30! and now i'm up and completely awake at 6! it's a bloody miracle! well, i gotta finish gettin' ready for school. love y'all and talk to ya later!

Vickey

hiatus

Going on hiatus for a bit. Not sure how long. It may be as short as an afternoon or as long as a month or two. I doubt it'll be that long. I just need to take a break from blogging. I'll still read and comment but, I'm just not going to be writing in here for a little bit.

Love always,
Vickey

20 Questions

1. Are you glad to see 20 Questions is back?

Yay! Yeppers

2. What is the most recent movie you've seen?

Heard part of Honey I Shrunk the Kids this morning. Saw part of Cinderella Story the other day.

3. What’s your all-time favorite old sitcom?

ummm idk

4. When you're trying on a pair of jeans what is one thing you want them to do?

make my butt look good

5. What’s one of the compliments you've received that has surprised you the most?

Russo told me once that I looked like a good subject for a painting and Alex (I think) told me I looked like a rock star. Loved those compliments.

6. What did you have for dinner tonight?

Tonight, I'm having chili :)

7. Do you have any favorite songs? 

I have a TON!

8. What’s one music video you can watch that always makes you smile?

I don't typically watch music videos so I couldn't tell you.

9. What’s one thing that a person, that you're on a date with or when you were single and you were on a date with, can do that turns you off immediately?

Ummm.... be close minded or rude.

10. What’s one thing you love to wear?

Tight jeans and baggy hoodies (like I'm wearing right now)

11. What’s one thing if you never hear it again it'll be too soon?

The use of gay or retarded to mean stupid

12. What’s one thing that happened to you in public that made you want to crawl under the table and hide?

"Can I have a ummm ummm ummmm feminine supply?"

13. Do you like pick up lines?

They're good for a laugh

14. Have you ever used a pick-up line?

Not to my knowledge

15. Is there anyone that you'd like to meet but would probably get all nervous if you did?

Tom Brady

16. Do you consider yourself a creative person?

Sometimes

17. What’s one thing that you admire most within yourself?

My modesty

18. Is there anything people would be surprised to know about you?

I'm the product of a teen marriage, premarital sex, and atheist parents.

19. What’s your favorite book?

The Notebook

20. What was your favorite subject in school?

*corrects to is* Chorale tops the list

Tough start

This has been a very tough start to the school year. I hope that as September is turning to October and as the weather calms down, so will the tragedies and the dramatics that currently are synonymous with my high school recede into the woodworking. Taylor got hit by an 18-wheeler. Keegan got hit over the summer (by the way, he's doing fine and is at school daily though not involved in sports to the best of my knowledge). Charlie is at peace but the students still feel the loss tremendously. We all look forward to his memorial concert next Friday. A close friend is currently pregnant (I've mentioned this before and as her due date draws closer I'll probably wind up talking about her more and more). A dear friend in this community is sick (Promise, I'm thinking about and praying for you).

Yet, in spite of all this, life goes on. We worry about our grades and our classes. We get bomb threats that leave us with one worry "Will we miss lunch?" (We had a bomb threat today, just so ya know.) As teenagers, we can't help it. We feel the loss of beloved members of our community and we do mourn them but there is always a part thinking about us. Perhaps adults are similar. We hear of the death of a loved one and we are confronted with our own mortality. We realize that just because we are young does not mean that we are invinsible. Yet at the same time, we believe it couldn't happen to us. We believe that we'll be fine and we won't get hurt. We believe that all those horrors we hear of every day will never occur to us or to those we love. Even if they happen to someone we love, it could never happen to us. Why do we convince ourselves of these lies? For they are just that: lies. It could happen to you or me. It could happen.

Charlie was a wonderful man. He was just beginning his life. He had his whole life ahead of him and he was an inspiration to us all. If he could suffer so greatly and if his life could be taken away so young, what could happen to the rest of us? I'm not saying that he's better than anyone else because we're all humans and we're all just as sinful and just as corrupt but Charlie never failed to look on the bright side. He was spiritual and he was always there if you needed him. There are so many people that just knowing they'd see his smiling face in the hall between classes got them out of bed. If he could smile and battle cancer, they could deal with the horrors in their lives.

This school year has started off horrendously and I pray it gets better. Oh, and in addition to the stuff I mentioned before, my friend Ali is going into the hospital on Monday for her CF. She's getting really bad. I ask you all to please mention her in your prayers. Just for a millisecond, if that's all you want. Please?

Oh, and in the midst of death and dying and praying and hoping, there's the guy dilemma. Josh (Lindz's ex-bf, my current crush, and the guy that I have been told about 50 times by Ali to "just ask him out already") kissed Lindz this afternoon. And it crushed the bouncy mood he'd given me earlier because it made me question myself and him and whatnot. And if I did go out with him would he only use me to get to Lindz? Because everyone knows that we're insperable. You get one and you get the other to a lesser degree. Anyhow, all guys aside, I must go worry about my English homework. We have a test tomorrow on Animal Farm and I haven't finished the book yet.

Before I go though, I don't want to leave you all with a complete downer of an entry so let me think a moment to find a good thing to tell you.... *thinks for a bit before coming up with this...* Oh, I'm getting my class ring! This is what I'm getting only a LITTLE different. I'm getting a purple stone instead of a blue one and the engraving will say "Victoria" on one side and "2008 ***" on the other (the stars are my school initials). And inside I'm having them write my initals or my first and middle name. Not sure yet. But, that's my good news. It was up in the air if I'd get one at all or not but I am. :) Time for that pesky English homework now.

Vickey

Wonders of my body

I love knowing my body is working. I love the feel of cramps. I love to feel my heart racing, pounding to get out of the cage it is in. I love the pure exhilaration that comes after a long steady jog or a short fast sprint. Feeling my body work amazes me. Seeing it function awes me. Though the world around me gets confusing, stressful, and worrisome, I can count on my hair to need washing every other day, my period to come every month, my heart to pound, my lungs to heave, my endorphins to kick in and make the confusion, the stress, and the worry fade. So maybe these joys bring problems of their own but these problems just reassure me evenmore that no matter what happens in the world outside, in my body, my biggest problems are the backache my period brings, the greasy hair that looks horrid, the racing of my heart  (which is a good thing, in my mind), the heaving, gasping breaths I take, and the fact that after the endorphins wear off, reality will intrude again and confusion, stress, and worry will reign. But at least my body works.

9/24/05

Vickey

In memoriam...

He didn't deserve it. Charlie Cote was an amazing guy. I never said two words to him but I know he was amazing. His spirit was so infectious. In his last days, he never felt sorry for himself. He was so humble and so caring. He made everyone who went to see him feel better even though you knew the doctors had stopped treatment for his melenoma. He fought his cancer for two years and last night, his battle stopped. He's in a better place, he's not in pain anymore. He is missed and he is loved. Charlie, wherever you are, if you can hear these thoughts, please know that while I never met you, your legacy will live on. You will be remembered. "If I'm going to die, I don't want to live like I'm going to die." -Charlie Cote

Hyperocity!!!!!!!!!

 Way too fucking hyper! Ahhh beware: I'm probably gonna say fuck a lot in this entry. When I'm hyper I do. I smell Josh. It's on my shirt and til I change, I'm gonna smell him. And thus gonna think about him and thus gonna be talking about him. OMG! The Click Five is amazing! Just the Girl is the song I'm listening to right now. LOVE THEM! Smells far better than cigarette smoke though. :) I'm really hyper. I'm going absolutely nuts. I love it! It's a real Friday. I biked to school and then Josh had to warm up my hands because I was fucking cold. The school day passed rather uneventfully but I got Ricky :). Up til now he was exempt because of his freshman status. Not anymore. :) hahaha (btw: Ricky's ubercool) (still smells good :) lol) And I had fun and then PHots was UBER AMAZING!!!!!! Kate and Lester and Nick and Brian were all there!!!!!! (All graduated last year) I've missed Fridays like they used to be. I'm so happy to see old friends and hang out with new ones. Josh was there (which is why I smell like him). It smells SO good! Ya know how some guys (or girls) just smell really good to your nose and others smell ick? Well I love the way he smells. I'm so hyper. And Mommy's coming tonight! She'll be here between 8 and 8:30 so I won't be here til Sunday night. But I get to see my sissy and my kitty and my mommy and my stepdaddy! I've missed them all so much!!!!!! I'm probably even gonna hug Ray. That's how much I've missed them. As a general rule, I don't typically hug Ray or miss him. But I do! I want to see all of them so bad! Gonna have to wait til tomorrow morning to see Sami though since she'll be long asleep by the time I get there. I've gotta go pack though. I'll update more later. *bounces off to pack and then hurry back here while smelling her shoulder like a madwoman b/c that's the part of her shirt that smells like Josh* LOL

Vickey
Hyper
Hyper
Hyper
Bouncy
Bouncy
Bouncy
hehehe
^_^
Bye for now!

I wanna fall in love

Lindz and I were talking earlier and I want to make sure I have this part of the convo saved if my computer decides to dump everything. Don't laugh. It's happened to other people. Why should I be any different? The convo basically speaks for itself. The Josh refered to (in case you haven't gotten the memo yet) is a guy I like. He's Lindz's ex as well. Very drama causing. Anyhow, here's the convo.

vickey: i wanna fall in love
lindz: i know
vickey: kay, bear with this train of thought, kay?
lindz: uh huh
vickey: when you get horny, you typically want to, like, have sex or be intimate like that, right?
lindz: yeah
lindz: like megga but yeah
vickey: okay, well i don't get that. when i get "horny", what i want is romance. i want a guy to stand behind me and just wrap his arms around me while i'm talking to whomever. i want him to kiss me on the hand. to hug me or hold me. when i get horny, i don't want to screw or whatnot. i just want romantic gestures. hell, i've never even been like "omg i wanna kiss someone!" that may very well change once i have my first kiss but, for now it's not. i just want romance.
lindz: i was like that till i got a taste of things...
vickey: the most i'm willing to do is kiss a guy. and i don't even know if i'm ready to do that (not a word of this to anyone)
lindz: i know to that your not ready as you say, and to not saying anything
vickey: english please?
lindz: i have been able to tell that you dont think your ready. and i also i wont tell
vickey: oh, okay. i get it now

bit of convo that has no relevance to this point

vickey: i want fucking romance! argh! getting pissed at life slowly but surely
lindz: you know your not gonna get just romance from josh... hes gonna want to do stuff
vickey: i know. i also know that IF anything happens with him, i demand respect. and i refuse to do "stuff". i have my standards and i'd rather live without romance than have romance and be doing stuff i'm not ready for
lindz: yeah he well nvm
vickey: what?
lindz: he just trys to push it on you even thou he says he wont do that, he just doesent realize it... dont tell him i said that thou, please
vickey: i won't. but i also know that i don't cave. i refuse to do more than i am ready for and i won't sacrifice that for anyone. i'm not going to do something b/c i want romance when i won't be able to look myself in the eye (in the mirror)
lindz: yeah and hes not really the kind of guy that has to romance your looking for... hes not that romantic
vickey: i'm not looking for it from him specifically. if i were to find the romance i'm seeking in him, great. amazing. wonderful. if i don't, fine. whatever. all i know is i like him. i can't help that. but i'd rather stay far away from him than be sucked into things i can't respect myself if i do
lindz: yeah, well im just telling you, seeing as i dated him
vickey: and i'm just saying all this
vickey: if i don't say this, and if i don't get it out and i don't make sure you know this and i get sucked into something down the road, i can convince myself then that i wanted to. that i wanted to do all that and i was never against it. that i was ready for it. but if i get it out and i make sure some one other than me knows how i feel, i can't go back against it. i can't do something and say i was ready or say i wanted to. b/c we both know i'd be lying.
lindz: yep


Life is so weird sometimes! I want romance but there's no source of it in my life. When I get romance, y'all remind me not to toss it aside, kay? Remind me to cherish it.

Love always,
Vickey

Candlelight Vigil

As many of us know, Promise (the wonderful woman that does the Journal Jar) has been diagnosed with cancer. She got very ill the other night and I just ask you all to please keep Promise in your thoughts and prayers. Click here for more details.

Promise, I love you and I'm praying for you!

Vickey

I...

*I AM: just trying to figure out my place in this world


*I WANT: to know where I stand with the guys in my life


*I HAVE: worried myself too much over trivial things in the past


*I WISH: to find my One True Love


*I HATE: those who abuse the powerless


*I MISS: Mom, Sami, Zuri, and Ray so much!!!!!!!!!!


*I FEAR: Dad's reaction


*I HEAR: chatter every day that amounts to nothing


*I WONDER: how life will be a year from now


*I LOVE: with all my heart, as though I've never been hurt before


*I ALWAYS: speak my mind


*I AM NOT: a child but I am not an adult


*I AM NOT ALWAYS: the person you think I am


*I NEED: to figure out some major (and not so major) things in my life


*I SHOULD: go do my english homework.

5 minutes

Reasons why the first five minutes after English (aka last period) were the greatest five minutes of the past four days:

1.) I saw Jack and talked to her. *small smile*
2.) I saw Sayid and Russo and they both screamed "Sawyer!" at the same moment. *small smile increases to a smile*
3.) I didn't find Lindz in the front lobby so I asked Josh who was standing outside in a group with Whats-his-face (refuse to learn his name)(won't stop hitting on me), Bryan (my ex that I've actually talked to a couple times in the past few days), Jeremy (Bryan's best friend who is actually semi-cool), and some other morons. Josh used my hair as an example of color (for what, idk) and then when I asked him if he knew where Lindz was, he put his arm around me. *smile increases to a huge smile*
Didn't find Lindz but, I'm sure she's fine. And Josh put his arm around me. He's actually talking to me again after ignoring each other's existence since Monday morning! LOL Dontcha just love the teenage drama? I swear there's too much drama in my life! Granted it'll all be forgotten by June but, then again new crap will come up and things related to this crap in some obscure way will be connected to it as though they were nearly one and the same problem.

Sexy pictures ;o)

Hello, Darlings! It's picture time! First, let us start with Decades Day. I did the 1980's. With Dawn's wonderful advice and my mother's clothing, this is what I wound up with...

Next, just me going nuts...

Homecoming night. Firstly, Maggie looking amazing and cute (like always)...

And lastly, me before the homecoming dance (do we all see why Josh was graviating towards me? lol not that Lindz didn't look spectacular [the reason I don't have a pic of her in here is because I didn't get any fantabulous ones] and so did the other girls there but, do I not look fabulous? I sure felt it.)...

Hope those showed up. They're not showing up on my computer but the tag in the last entry apparently showed up on your computers but not my own.

Two old short entries

I'm looking ALL over for something that take AAA batteries so that I can put them back into the stereo remote that I'm sure I took them out of months ago but the ONE place I fail to look is where we keep the extra batteries! What the heck!? Found my batteries. You can rest easy now.

I got semi-grounded today. hahaha sucks for me but, I'm ungrounded. I was only "grounded" for about 3 hours, if that. And I spent the whole time in my room, looking through magazines and talking on the phone to Lindz and Nick. Gotta go. Bedtime. I'll update more tomorrow. (When this'll get posted.)

Written before homecoming

I was raised in a football family in a soccer town. Every Sunday during the fall, I could smell pasta or chili cooking and could hear the football game going on as I read a book. Of course, since I tune the world out when I'm reading, I only hear the game vaguely and thus have no idea about the rules. Now, I live in a football family in a football town. Our homecoming game is football where as in my old town they have a soccer game. Football is the traditional homecoming sport, right? So though I know nothing about the game, I do know this. We're playing R.H. on our field at 2 o'clock today. No matter how much or how little I pay attention to the game, it should be a unique experience. Last year's game, I didn't have a clue what was going on. This year, I intend to know what the score is and who has the ball, at least. I've gotta go get ready. I'm going to Lindz's til tomorrow. I'll update from there. Homecoming 2005, here I come!

September 9

9/9
Happy slap-ass Friday! Russo got me in global. Backtrack: I was late this morning due to traffic and oversleeping. Fastforward: I didn't get her back but I did get Josh (Lindz's ex who is a story unto himself). He started "yelling" at me about my hoodie. Okay, Lindz's hoodie that I was wearing. It has thumb holes and I wasn't using them so he made me. I swallowed my allergy pill w/o water and it stuck in my throat. After semi-flirting with him, I ran to class and asked to get a drink (yes but not til she said my name). So now I'm sitting in math. I guess I'll give you the Josh story now since I hate paying attention in math.
Two years ago, there was a bomb threat at school. Apparently (interruption: I so totally get this now! Back to the story), it was him. He had unmarked fireworks in his backpack and he didn't know it was him for hours. Now he's on probabtion. The first time I met him as Lindz's mega crush, we looked at each other and knew we'd met before but can't figure out where. He looks so familiar to me. I look at his startling blue eyes and feel like I know him. And he feels like he knows me but we can't figure it out! I have to look at my old yearbooks and see if I recognize him. Apparently, he's changed but his eyes have stayed the same. So maybe that'll tell me something. First, I have to figure out his last name. (Just gotta ask Lindz.) Oh, and he left me a note on my notepad (that I've had since the 6th grade) taht says "Yo!"lol (It amuses me).

I so just had to run across the entire school to get to English. I was late and I didn't get my notebook because it's in a suitcase at dad's. So I was late for nothing and now I know I must go to my locker between German and Bio and not again til the end of the day on day 4's unless it's between labs (bio and english). So in bio lab, I totally aced the thing we were doing. Then in English lab, we had this assignment and one part was to write about something we identify with. I planned on writing about music but we had 5 mins for each task and I wrote something vague at first and then came the sentence "A cutter connects to her blade" which spawned a page long spiel about how a cutter and her blade connect. (I'd appreciate it if my English teacher would quit standing right behind me.)

From one person to myself again

9/12
There's this girl I used to be about three weeks ago and I'm not sure where she went. I see glimpses of her now and then but overall, I don't know where she is. She's the girl you all have come to know and love. I don't need to explain her. It's me you don't know. Lately, I'm selfish and constantly second-guessing myself. I lie awake at night thinking of what I should have done, what I should have said. I feel shallow and ugly. I feel self-conscious instead of self-confident. I don't feel like myself. I am a multi-faceted person (I say person instead of woman or girl because I can be both at times. This is part of my multi-facetedness). I don't like this part of me. It's a valid part of me and I respect that but when this part stays for more than a day or two, I begin to think it will never end. Even worse, I begin to believe it. Homecoming is Satruday. I know I'll be fine at the game because I'll be in jaens but the dance will be harder in a short, tight dress. (Craop! Got caught. Gotta go. This sucks.)

That was nerve-wrecking. Baring my soul for my health class is not my idea of fun. But I did pretty well, I think. I explained how it relates to me. And I did it all off the top of my head. Oh, and one of the girls that used to pick on me horrendously not only is in my class but she sits directly behind me. I hope she understood the whole "it doesn't take a talent to be mean/but words can crash things that are unseen" lyric. My knees were literally shaking. I feel more like myself though. The good part of me. Let's just hope this feeling lasts. This is actually a really good assignment. I like a lot of these songs. I can hardly keep from singing out loud.

Boy=drama

Josh hardly said two words to me all day. It sucks. I mean, right now, I have absolutely no clue where I stand with any guy that I remotely like. The ones I've talked to haven't given me any clues and most of them I haven't talked to. Let's see. Let us go through the drama, kay?

Jon-Was supposed to come to homecoming this year. Broke my heart last year. Didn't come, didn't call to tell me himself that he wasn't coming. Wound up crying over him for about 1/2 an hour before the dance. There's a lot of drama in the past surrounding him that I won't get in to. No clue if I like him, if he likes me, whether we're going to ever get back to the friendship we once had, if we're going to wind up taking it farther. Right now, I'm so indifferent towards him.

Josh-Lindz's ex. I know him from somewhere and he knows me but neither of us can figure it out. (One look in his eyes and I knew that I'd met him before!) We've basically flirted (subtly) since day one and at the homecoming game both of us were totally flirting. Lindz still has feelings for him (I have certain theories about that but I have to talk to her about them before I write about it). He found me for three dances (well, for two and we just kept dancing for another the last time) and I think he was looking for me for the last dance but I was with Amanda on the bleachers. I kinda ignored his existence this morning and he choose to ignore mine this afternoon. :(

This guy in my English class-I can't remember his name (okay, I can but I don't want to say). He's really hot. In eighth grade, we almost missed the bus at the Jefferson Monument together. (We were both downstairs with friends and when we came up, we happened to grab the same elevator and realize our class was missing! And when we got on the bus, everyone was like "Ooooo! Vickey and [insert name]! What were you two doing?!" and then we wound up sitting next to each other since Dave and Liz were next to each other.) I think I've seen him looking at me in class but, I can't be sure.

(Remember: this is guy's I even remotely like. From here on out, it's mostly stretching it.)

Christian-one of Jack's best friends, two years younger than me. I don't know why I like him but, I do. But it'll NEVER happen because he's so much younger than me and I like my guys a bit older than me (Jon is the only guy I've liked seriously that was younger than me). Plus, the whole dating one of your best friend's best friend's dynamic is NOT appealing.

Chris-I kinda flirt with Chris but, it's just flirting. He's like an older brother to me in most respects. I know if I ever needed protection, he'd do it, no questions asked. He doesn't typically look at me like anything more than a little sister, someone to be tolerated and picked on but yet respected and protected. The idea of me in a bikini is not exactly appealing to him. Which I take as a good thing. (I'm so unself-conscious around him because of it.) But uh... yeah. Chris will NEVER be more than a casual flirtation and a friend.

CJ-HOT HOT HOT senior. Intelligent, caring, easy to talk to, but broken-hearted. (His gf cheated on him after almost 1 1/2 years.) There might be potential if he wasn't heart broken but, as of now, I haven't talked to him since I met him.

There really isn't much more I can stretch it. At the moment, the two guys that I really have no clue where I stand with are Jon and Josh. I'd *really* like to know where I stand with them and them with me. It's so confusing and such an awful feeling not to know where we stand with each other!

 Is that showing up on your computer? It's supposed to be the wonderful signature Sara made me but, it won't show up on mine!

 

P.S. Because of my theories, Lindz and I probably won't be speaking for a couple days. Great fun, huh?

Hair

It's the Sunday of Homecoming Weekend and ya know what that means? It means that Lindz and I are dying each others hair! Last year we each did pink. Our first time ever dying hair. It held in her hair for a bit (kay, try forever) and only held in mine for about 3 days and only if you knew it was there. We've done it multiple times since then and it has NEVER held in my hair. Finally, I've got dyed hair! I used ColorPulse and instead of choosing blonde (like last time I tried to dye my hair), I choose (with the help of Russo, Sayid, and Lindz) red pulse. So Lindz put the dye in and then we followed the directions and blah blah blah and pictures soon of Lindz's black hair (that I am about to do) and of my RED hair! It held! hehehe Time to go dye her hair. (Oh, and pics of "my family", Homecoming, and uhhh..... oh yeah. Decades Day!)

Vickey

Random short old entries

Most of my fantasies involve little things. I'm talking just curling up on the couch thisclose to my sweetheart and watching a romantic movie, perhaps kissing when they kiss. Most of my fantasies stop far short of sex. Hell, all of them do. If I read a book with a well-written sex scene, I giggle and blush and enjoy it completely but when left to my own devices, I prefer to think about things I may do in the next ten years. I rarely even think about kissing.

 

 

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful...

for telephones so I can talk to Lindz in WI.

for inside jokes that never fail to make me laugh.

for little confidence boosters.

for laughter.

for friends I'd die for.

for the promise of tomorrow.

for a working body, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

for mindless activites to do.

 

 

I have just come to view fishing in a very similar light to that in which I view hunting. I do not hount and do no like hunting especially if just for sport. I do not eat venison or any other meat which is not store-bought. I know I'm somewhat of a hypocrite for eating any meat but, that's who I am. I have fished before but never has anyone I was with (and certainly not me) cuaght anything more than seaweed. Lindz and I were fishing and she caught one. It wiggled around and was gulping air and it was just so helpless. I can't stand to see them like that. I reeled in my line and came in the camper. I don't see the appeal in fishing. Sitting and waiting and then half-killing a poor fish. It's beyond me. I'll stick to my books and my blogs, thank you very much.

*sigh*

*crash* this is the sound of my hopes and spirits crashing. Jon's probably not coming to the game today. I really wanted to see him today but, their car broke down and there's no way Lori can get him out here. So he's probably not coming and that sucks. I'm going to try to do something and either get him out here soon or get me out there. If all else falls, he's coming to my sweet sixteen party (along with the rest of the family since I miss them all so much). Ugh. This sucks. I'm hoping that some miracle will occur and he'll be able to get his arse out here. But if not, I'll deal with it. I've got a bunch of friends going to the game that can easily raise my spirits again. Like Jack and Sayid and Russo who can make me spit out my drink. (Which they were planning to do in front of Jon.) So yeah. We're leaving for the game eventually. Meeting Ali and Kyle there at 1:45, apparently. I changed my voicemail to say that I'm at Lindz's and if you need me call her cell and gave the number. Since he's supposed to call me today (whether he can come or not), he should get that message and call Lindz's cell. I'm gonna go now. I've got a better state of mind to shimmy into. LOL

Love always,
Vickey

 

Oh, and I have a lovely tag made by Sara that I intend on using soon but, I'm at Lindsay's and the tag is saved on Dad's computer. So I'll display her wonderful work soon. As in tomorrow or Monday soon.

AOL mini-rant

Just wanted to add a little AOL rant in here. I can't see any graphics! All pictures show up as little boxes with red xes in them. It sucks. Just wanted to let you know that. I *just* got home from Hots and meet an incredibly cute guy but he's in college and way out of my league (age wise). So fun to gaze at but totally off limits.
Anyhow, I'm gonna go read some journal alerts then work on the weekend assignment and the dance assignment. It's a diamonte (sp?). Should be fun. More to come later.

Love always,
Vickey

Last old entry for today with a new update

September 7, 2005

My second day of school. I hung out at Lindz's by myself for a whle and just as I was going to bed, she got home. By 10 pm, I was asleep. This morning, I had to wear my new shirt. Sayid got it for me from a street vendor in NYC. It says "NYC Mental Institution" on the back and on the front left (over my heart). I love it! So I got ready and in global, we just did a map. Now I'm in math "learning" about transformations (I learned this in fourth grade. So there's a new twist here and there.) Time for health... In health, we did nada and Mandy and I pretended we didn't know each other (don't ask). And in chorale, I sucked. Really challenging piece sightreading. Eek! Now I'm in German and I sit in the back right corner next to Andrew. Great. lol

 

Kay ppl. Present time here. Gotta go do the last of my homework. There are a ton of entries I haven't typed up in my notebook but, they're gonna have to wait. Oh, and I have some news for y'all. This time, it's good news. At least I think so. But you'll have to wait in suspense til tomorrow. hehe ^_^

Love ya,
Vickey

Another old entry

July 13

List of productive things I've done today:
Worked on my story about Kate and Matt
Finished my English book (haven't started assignments)
Downloaded AIM for Jeff
Made list of "firsts"

List of movies I've seen today:
Unfaithful
Stepford Wives (only part)
Paycheck (in progress)

Number of times I've thought about guys today:
Approximatly 372

Number of PMS complaints: Thousands
Hours of headaches/backaches/PMS pain:24
Cures tried: pills, heat, toughing it out
Effects: 5 mins relief, few hours relief, zero reliefe

Basically boring day. Good but boring. Very bad PMS (sry guys). I haven't been this horrid (physically or emotionally) in a long time. Murph made a joke about how I was "too short to register" and I knew he was joking and I knew he didn't mean it but it made me cry. Total PMS response. (Sorry for that, babe.) I hate all this hormone stuff. My head & back hurt. Midol, Bible, and (probably) bed.

Love always,
Vickey