jealousy

why do people think that everytime I go off on my own and try to escape their "capture" that i'm mad at them? why don't they understand that sometimes a girl needs to be alone outside? Liz always thinks that. she's so annoying sometimes. I'm probably just being critical right now cos I'm jealous that she's got a boyfriend that likes her for who she is, doesn't insult, and is a great (if sometimes michevious) guy.

Why don't people use their own brains? People use other people's brains but, those aren't always the greatest. Even if it were Einstein's brain, people should still use their own! Isn't that what it's for? Why on Earth would God have given them to us? Vreni uses Liz's mind, Liz (another Liz) uses her mother's mind, way too many people are depending on others. The guys in my math group depend on my answers. That's my fault though since I let them. Liz's mother isnt always thinking correctly. She may have all her cards but, sometimes she's not playing the right game. She tries to give opinions on Lindsay's behavior but, she doesn't know Lindsay. She doesn't know all that's going on but, nobody really does. Lindsay definetly needs help. Attempting suicide because some guy she's never met except online doesn't like her (she shouldn't be talking to him in the first place!) is not a worthy cause. She shouldn't be thinking about ending her life at all. Her life isn't that bad. Yes, her life is being turned upside down and backwards but, she wasn't raped, abused, or threatened. Her parents got divorced. I understand that. I know it's unfair to compare my situation and hers as no two divorces are alike but, it's hard to resist sometimes. The temptation is so great. Her and Liz are more vocal about their suicidal and depressive thoughts but, I have them, too. I remember sitting in my room, crying my eyes out for hours, wishing I had the courage to down a bottle of pills or slit my wrists. I never did. I never will. I always pull myself out of those funks. Not immediatly, maybe not that day or week but, eventually. I tell myself how amazing I am, how gorgeous, how talented. I remind myself about the good things in life. I think about who would find me, how it would hurt my family, how my baby sister wouldn't even remember me. I let myself indulge my feelings but, never to the point of suicide. I can't believe she'd treat life as so worthless, so meaningless, like it was something she can just throw away and not affect anyone. She can't I love her, her parents love her, her other friends love her. Nobody wants to see her dead. If she killed herself, I'd go to her funeral, I'd cry, but I'd be so f****** p***** at her for killing herself. She took eight Advil, Zoloft, and a sleeping pill in 30 minutes. She has to take the Zoloft (though it's not working) but, she wasn't in pain at all. There was no reason to take the Advil and the sleeping pill didn't kick in until nearly midnight when she took it at about 9:30 or something. These are the thoughts of a fourteen-year-old girl. Ciao.

I'm on the phone with my best friends and Timmy. We're laughing and talking with each other. Liz is semi-mad at Lindsay for kissing Timmy but, they've "kissed" and made up by now. Timmy won't date Lindsay because he's not ready for a commitment yet. Life kinda is weird right now. Then again, depression and divorce are reeking havoc on our lives. Zoloft is a moronic drug and doesn't work. We're battling self-esteem issues, confidence levels, media pressure. The media is constantly in our faces about how we should look. We should be skinny and blonde and have shiny hair. There are so many pressures. Well, these are the current thoughts of a fourteen year old.