Hoppin on the bandwagon

<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ALIGN /><ALIGN:center>Oh, and one last thing before I eat lunch....

Ask me three questions. Any three. No matter how public, private or embarassing and I'll answer them honestly and fully. I've done this twice before but, it's making it's rounds again and I'm sure since I last did this y'all have got some more questions. (And if not, I'm sure with your wonderfully imaginative minds you can come up with some.)

Vickey

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20 Questions

Screw cleaning. Screw my news. (Which, PS, isn't fun or good news but you'll find out later.) I'm catching up on journals as best as I can. I need to update my links on the sidebar. If you're not on there, please tell me so I can remember to add you! Time for Twenty Questions from Dawn.

1. What is one song that got remade that got remade you wish would’ve been left alone?  Umm.... idk. But they shouldn't have remixed Listen To Your Heart (the remake of it). lol

2. What’s your favorite food smells? Fresh baked cookies, coffee, tacos, and grilled cheese (damn and I was hungry when I started writing this)

3. Is there any dish you order in a restaurant that you wish you could make? Ummm.... a lot of 'em? 

4. Are there any dishes you make that is better then the restaurant? My pancakes are WAY better than Riki's

5. Do you believe the advice given in women’s magazines about relationships? I take everything with a grain of salt

6. Is there anyone who you are afraid of? I'm afraid of Mr. Giotto when he does that thing with his eyes

7. Do you believe there is one perfect person for everyone? Not sure

8. Get up early or sleep in? This is gonna sound weird but, get up early and sleep in occasionally.

9.What’s one food you’ve heard described in a blog that you’re dying to try? Ummm... the pudding suprise thing Dawn's ALWAYS talking about

10. Are there any friends from your past you wish you could see again? Let's start with Michelle and that other girl (Sarah? Megan?) and go to Summer and Tori (but she I know how to get in touch with). Next would have to be Liz (but I can get ahold of her too).

11. What’s one physical aliment you wish you didn’t get? Chapped lips, sweaty pits (tmi? sry), watery eyes (not crying, allergies), runny/stuffy nose, sore throat, problems breathing (which I've figured out is from stress and Murph's rose doesn't help anymore)

12. Is there anything in your life you wish you could do over? I don't think I would. I think I may have stood up to Jon a bit more last year or told him how I felt but, that probably would have made ever seeing him again so embarrasing. So no, probably not.

13. What’s one of thing that just annoys you? Stupid questions like "are you mad at me" or "do you hate me" or the like. If I'm not, that question made me mad. If I didn't, I do now.

14. Where’s the one place you’d love to visit? Italy

15. What was your favorite movie as a child? Pocohantas

16. Are there any particular political issues you feel deserve more attention? idk

17. Are there any talents you wish you had but don’t? drawing realisticaly. My abstract and such is good but, my actual things suck

18. Did you experience anything traumatic as a child? Fighting from my parents and probably a few other things that I can't remember at the moment

19. How do you feel these traumas have changed you? The fighting did. I want to shield Samantha and my (future) children from that more than I would if I hadn't heard it. I want to find my one true love before I get married. I don't want to wind up like my parents. Or my grandparents.

20. Do you think you’re high maintenance? Me? High maintenance? Nah. Just give me a CLEAN shower, a CLEAN room, CLEAN sink, CLEAN clothes, food to eat, a roof over my head, friends to hang out with, JLand and the WONDERFUL people in it whom I have come to love so much, my family at the proper distance (aka knowing that they're there but not being all like *there*, ya know?), and chocolate, and I'm happy. Is that too much to ask? hehe ^_^

Gotta go eat lunch and then finish up upstairs. The shower looks so much better, by the way.

Crap

I'm gone for a week and everything here turns to crap. The shower is covered in hair and scum. My bed has a ton of stuff on it for me to sort through. The sinks aren't shining. There's dishes all over the kitchen. The ones in my sink are covered in scum. I could sit here all day and complain but, I've done too much of that already this morning. Right now, I'm going to finish getting dressed, put on some music, and clean the bathroom first. Then my bedroom. Then the kitchen. Then the basement. Lordy Lordy.

And I have some news for you all but, it's gonna have to wait until I have the time to honor it as best as it should be. (As in not just "blah blah blah" but telling how I found out and memories and whatnot. You'll see what I mean when I tell you.)

Biopoem

Victoria
Intuitive, compassionate, loving, and inexperienced
Daughter of two ppl that just can't get along
Who is struggling through life at times, always caught in the middle of something, and relying on her faith and her friends to get through
Lover of words, Coke, and fuzz
Who fears bugs, the dark, and dying alone
Who needs a good night's sleep in her own bed, to regulate her sleep patterns, and Coke for my newest addiction (caffeine)
Who gives advice on things she's never dealt with before, a shoulder to cry on, and kisses to Samantha on every occasion
Who would like to wean herself off caffeine, a nice hot shower, and a cure for cancer
Resident of a land where unicorns roam wild and the horrors of Pandora's box were never unleashed
Victoria

Why don't you try your hand at one? Instructions are at Poetry Dance.

She has returned!

Kay, y'all I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! I got my tan and flirted a little bit with a bunch of guys (but didn't find one guy to flirt my head off with). Ummm.... I'll update tomorrow at Gramma's. For tonight, I need to crash. A week away will do that to ya! Love ya and I'll catch up with your lives ASAP. I'm going to turn all alerts back on as soon as I save this. So.... what did I miss in *your* life?

I miss you!

*waves*

I'm going away for a while. Not my choice exactly. Now before you all start going "What did she do? Why is her computer time off again?", let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. *giggle* Actually, I can explain and quite simply too. Lindz has been gone for a week in WI. Tonight, I'm sleeping at her dad's house. (I'm there now.) Tomorrow, we leave for Alpine Lake (near Saratoga Springs). We went there a few years ago. Lindz lost her bracelet in the lake. Let me back up. Lindz and I got matching charm bracelets. One charm on mine said "best" and on hers it said "friends". That's the one difference. We rented a paddle boat and were out in the lake when her bracelet snagged and came unclasped. It fell in the water and before we could get it, it was fish food. So now, we're going to drop mine into the water at approximately the same spot from a paddle boat. Anyhow, for the next week I'll be gone at Alpine. I've shut off all alerts except four (my comment alerts and the journal jar) and put FLYlady on hold. I'll be back at Lindz's on the 28th until the 29th. Then I go to my gramma's and then I come back home. (The 29th I have a chiro appointment and the 30th I have a waxing appointment and then the 31st I have my birthday party!) So until then, I shall be gone. I love you all and I'll miss you and I'll catch up as best I can when I get back.   Oh, and guess what? Yesterday when I was shopping I got this cropped hoodie and it says "L'amore Tourajours" or something like that and it means "Love always". Isn't that perfect since I (typically) sign this journal "Love always, Vickey"? I think it's too cool. = ~ ) Kay, time to go work on my list of 500 facts. (Got the number from Dawn but was working on the list before then just didn't know how long I was gonna make it.)   I'm gonna go do some reading before Lindz gets in. Til next week, I love you and I'll miss you! I'll try to remember to write each night before I go to sleep about the day but, I do apologize if I forget. My one hope for this vacation other than a light tan is to find a guy to flirt with. Lindz found Terry last time we were there. I want to find a guy to flirt with. Just for the week. Please? hehe ^_^   Love always,
Vickey

Entries

July 7-2:39AM On July Fourth, Lindz and I planned to go to see the band that always plays here before the fireworks then wtch the fireworks and come home. After waking at noon and cleaning/organizing (to earn some money), Lindz and I decided to use her pool for it's intended purpose rather than its use of late (swimming vs. cleaning) but wound up cleaning before anyhow. I had talked to Mom the night before and she mentioned Bryan had called. [Note: I was still dating him at this point.] I called him and we planned to met up sometimes at the concert. Around seven, Lindz and I got out, showered, and started to get ready. My shirt was moving a bit too freely so I used double-sided tape to fasten my bra and shirt together. Lindz asked me while I was fixing my make-up if I was doing this for me or not. I must confess, no guy had entered my ind as sufficent reason to do all the preparation I was doing. Walking into the celebration, I was loving life and myself and totally felt wonderful. (I have this one lip gloss I only wear in really good moods. I wore it all night long.) Somewhere along the way, Lindz and Vickey became Lindz, Maggie, Bryan, Mandy, and Vickey. For some reason, I was all over Maggie. (I'm the gayest straight girl you'll ever meet, as Sayid said.) We ran into Colleen and she said "Murph is here." (What? He's here?) and at that moment this lunatic runs up and says "But nobody knows where." Immediate peals of "Murph!" "What are you doing here?" (What were you doing there, sug?) [Note: That's a useless question since I asked him not to read this blog anymore.] and "Ugh. What? No hug?" Maggie, Bryan, and I walked around to find Meg. The order of each event is kind of jumpled so, another list of random things I remember. 1) We all found Kyle N and he wound up joking around with, oh, idk, everyone about screwing them. At one point he kissed my neck. It took me a second to realize it. lol I agree with Colleen though. She said at Jack's party that she loves guys kissing her neck. Agreed. *sigh* 2) Waiting for Lindz's (non-alcoholic) strawberry daquiri (sp?), I (once again) owund up on Murph's back. Tom (my ex-crush from youth group) walked by and I yelled hi while on Murph's back. Cuz a "nice Christian boy" isn't gonna see anything wrong or sexual in that. *rolls eyes* 3)Our little "fests" (Ya know, writing this down and knowing people will read it makes me realize how wrongly it could be taken. Do I share tmi with y'all?) Gropefest:squeezing boobs and feeling chests. Lead to... lick fest: licking chests, faces, and necks. Oh, and Lindz licked my stomach. Gropefest again.   It was really funny and really fun. Bryan kinda stayed out of it. Maggie, Mandy, Murph, Lindz, and I sure didn't. 4) Waiting for sno-cones after finding out that Murph likes me (and after Lindz told him I like him. Thanks, hun.) I decided to put my money in my bra. I was in mid-sentence and I put it it and saw Murph, Bryan, and the adolescent boys at the booth follow my hands with their eyes. Next, my sno-cone spills on my other boo! More stares as I wipe it away. We wound our way over to the fried dough (fyi: this is post-fireworks) after saying good-bye to Murph (and getting his cell #). [*stops typing for a few to dance/sing to Katrina Elam's I Want A Cowboy*] Standing nearly to the window, Lindz (by this time it's down to Lindz, Mandy, Bryan, and I) says "he really likes you". *eyes widen* "I know". But wrong time for her to've opened her mouth. Bryan was listening. Opps! (Meanwhile, I'd been telling ppl all night that by the time summer's over, I'll probably have... nvm. He can read this now. *blushes* Don't worry, Mom. Nothing like what you did at 15.) [Now that he's not supposed to read this.... I was telling every one that before the summer was over, I wanted to kiss him. I didn't.] We soon said hello to Bryan's family. He got so embarassed. They raelly weren't embarassing. After getting fried dough, we said good-bye to Mandy (whose mom wanted to know who Bryan was and asked before we were out of earshot). Nibbling on buttery fried dough, we made our way to find Becky but not before passing a half-naked couple involved in who-knows-what. Bye, Bryan. Hi, Becky. Walked to the car and went to McDonald's. Lindz got a chocolate milkshake, I got a strawberry one, and Becky got a coke. When we got back, we pretty much went to sleep. Speaking of which, at 3:29am, I think I'll try (again) to find the Land of Nod. *sigh* Off to think of kisses on my neck and electrical tape roses... hehe ^_^ Love always, Vickey   July 7-11:24PM   On July 5, I met Jake for coffee. Lindz and Dad went to Wal-Mart while I went to talk to Jake. I went in with a sense of dread and worry. I ordered a "blended iced mocha coffee" and flirted with the dude behind the counter (the casherver, according to Lindz) a little. Jake came out of the bathroom and my drink was up. We sat down and he tried to  pull out my chair for me. "I got it." I returned the movie Dad borrowed months ago from him. So we started talking about our Independence Day celebrations (sorry but I left out a lot of detail including umm.... most of the night and the fact that I ran into Murph and was flirting all night) and then I started to talk about why I wanted to met him but couldn't find the words so we started talking about movies. Eventually, I started explaining my reasons. Apparently I didn't do a very good job of it b/c I don't think he gets that I think of him as a friend and that he makes me uncomfortable when he puts his arm around me (hell, when he gets near me at all).   July 9-9:14PM
Smokey has been gone four months. That's all I'll say on that subject tonight.   To all you single mothers/fathers/child care professionals/SAHM/SAHD(ads)/etc.: God bless you. I've been taking care of Sami for about four hours and I'm agitated, frustrated, and thanking God she's a) going to bed now and b) laying down with Joey and not me and that by midnight or so, I get let off the hook. Mom and Ray are at a ZZ Top concert at Tag's. I have no real clue when they'll be bck but I'm waiting up. I have to keep an ear out for Sami so I'm staying up til they get in. Whoop. That's her. Kay, she's laying on Joey, rocking. This is gonna be a long night. We played outside and she played in the tub. By 8:40, I decided it was bedtime. She was throwing a fit and that means she's tired.   12:15am-When I stopped writing, I took her and within 45 minutes, she was asleep. On top of me. For the next hour and a half, I was pinned. Now, I'm exhausted. God bless you who do this regularly.   July 14   At the pool at Kirsten's. Don't feel confident at all today in my bikini. Spending my day on the lounge chair, reading, writing, thinking, and swimming every 20 pages or so when I get too hot. Back to Ashes to Ashes by Tami Hoag now.   July 17   I got burned that day at the pool. Here's something you don't know about me: I can be painfully shy. I can be so so shy sometimes. Like now. I want to go to sleep but my aunt is asleep on the couch. I tried to wake her up but I don't want to be a pain. Maybe it's not shyness in this case. It's a fear of being thought.... idk what. A pain. But I'd only be asserting who I am and what I need. I need a plce to sleep. She's in it. It's the same reason I don't eat here or at Mom's at times. Like, I eat meals but not snacks even ifI'm hungry. I can get very meek and want to blend into the background, try to be "the good child" in comparision to Jeff, Jay, Joey, and Nikki. Well, I'm not overcoming this tonight so I'm going to finish my Bible reading for the night or read some of Ashes to Ashes (prolly the latter since I've already read more of th Bible than I normally would), do my 25 more crunches, and find a way to sleep. Joy.   July 22   I feel quite bold today. Typically, when I see a cute guy, I look for a sec and look away. Any eye contact and I immediatly break it. A truckload (literally) of hot guys drove past and I craned my neck to look. (They were looking right back.) A cute guy walked past while I was on a ride. I caught his eyes and held it til he had to turn and watch where he was going. Oh, yeah. I'm with Lindz, Tiff, and John camping. We got here around 3 or 4 and set up. We ate lunch/dinner and changed. By 5:30, we were in the park. Rode a buncha rides. Got some food. Watched the laser show after a quick call from Nick. Oh, Lindz and Tiff rode the slingshot. Light show, here, walked to the bathroom by myself and nearly couldn't find the campsite on the way back. My writing sucks tonight. Sorry. Bible, Potter, bed. Love ya.   July 24   If I ever even think about stripping my bed and washing all my sheets, shoot me. I'll only get aggrivated and reduced to tears. Lindz, come fix my bed please. You're anal aout yours and I'm anal about fuzz. Dad didn't fold fuzz right and it's irritating me. Poor nights sleep ahead of me. Bible, Potter, bed.   I was Daddy's Little Girl. Some part of me always will be. And part of me is returning to there. I used to hear this song and want to barf beause I "hate"d him so much. Now I hear it and wish I were seven again and Daddy's Little Girl. I think it killed my parents when they went from Mommy and Daddy to Mom and Dad. Daddy changed slower though. Is it prdie that's keeping me from how I (sometimes) want to act? To be sweet and innocent and Daddy's Little Girl? To call him "Daddy" instead of the "Father" I whip out when I'm especially pissed? Damn pride. I have a business call to make tomorrow (to my lawyer) so I need some rest. Good night, y'all. Vickey

Yay! I'm going over to hang out with Liz! I haven't seen her in a year! Gotta go try to beat the rain though. I'm biking over and it'll take me about 10 minutes. Plus there's a tornado watch (or is it a warning?). I'll write more later! I get to see Liz! Yay!

Surprise!

I thought today was gonna be just me and Dad at the mall. Not exactly the funnest thing but, I was sure I could make it fun. I can deal with him. But no. He's inviting Gail. Great. I don't want to spend the day with her. This sucks. I'm getting my (fabulous) new bra today and I don't want to have to deal with her. Ugh. Well, maybe I can use it to get Dad to buy me lunch or dinner or something. I probably can. I already told him he has to buy me a cookie. I'm gonna get one of the cookie cups filled with frosting. hehehe ^_^

Okay, so that was fun. Gail couldn't come. Correction: she was already at the mall with Kayla (her daughter). We got some clothes at JCPenney's and then I looked at Cache (a really expensive store with gorgeous clothing), Wet Seal (*love* their stuff and must go back), and H&M. I almost got a couple things but couldn't decide so I let it stay there. I was thisclose to getting a jacket at H&M but, it was $50 and I wouldn't wear it that often. So we went to Payless and looked at some cute shoes. There were these one boots that I loved but I couldn't find them quite tight enough around my leg. Oh, at Penney's I was so frustrated because I couldn't find any jeans small enough (I'm a size one) then I looked in the right department! lol I'm such a loser sometimes. Oh well. After I was done looking around, I got Dad to buy me a scoop of Maggie Moo's ice cream. I got the moocha with m&m's mixed in. Yummy! Then we headed out but we ran into Gail so we said hi and then headed to Riki's. Riki's is this little family restaurant along the canal (aka the Erie Canal but ppl just call it the canal here). So we ate lunch and talked about school and whatnot and the difference in concert choir and chorale (chorale aka what I'm in this year is select aka you have to be damn good to get in). We came back here and I'm actually in a good mood. This is amazing after spending the day with my father shopping. Tonight he's making steak over seasoned rice or something for dinner and I think I'm gonna convince him to let me order a movie on demand later. My brother's gone for a week so it's just Dad and I and things aren't that bad actually. I'm gonna go read more of Gone With the Wind. Have to find out if they take Tara or not! And what happened to Rhett Butler?!?! He didn't get killed in the war (I read the last paragraph) so where the hell is he?

Homecoming weekend-resolved

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Smokey

I finally saw it. The place where they buried my baby. They did some work on it and there's a wall and a bench and what not. Gramma was going to take me out there and show it to me but, I said "maybe later". Well, when she went to bed, I went out and gathered up all my courage and walked out. I had no clue where it was so I just kinda walked. I saw a bench and I figured it was over there. So I tried to hold back the tears and I walked over to this patch of overturned dirt and thought for a minute it was that. It wasn't. I continued walking to the bench. I just kinda walked for a minute and looked. I didn't know where she was and there wasn't a marker that said "Smokey" on it or whatever so I just kinda cried and went back in feeling guilty. I don't even know where my baby is buried. I know she's buried over there and I want to know where there but, I don't want to break down in front of any one. I know that if I go out there with Gramma and she shows me where Smokey is that I'll start crying and she'll try to make me feel better and I don't want that. I want to go out there and sit there and cry and cry and cry until I'm over her. At least until I'm over her more so than I am now. I miss her. She's been gone for more than five months and I don't think about her every day (and I feel horrible about that sometimes) and the ache isn't as bad. I can look at the picture of her and I that I framed (in a paper frame that says "Best Friends") and not cry and not be sad. But then I think about it. About the fact that my baby is gone. About the fact that I don't know quite where she's buried. About the fact that I've lived on this earth for only 15 and a half years and I've got probably three times that much left. I have to live something like the next three-fourths of my life without her. Yes, I've got Zuri. But when I'm 30, Zuri'll probably follow Dutchess, Smokey, and Tiger (and by that point probably Chyna too) into the grave. And yeah, when I'm thirty I'll probably be married and have kids but Zuri'll still be my baby just like Smokey will always be my baby. And I'll be alone. I'll get another cat maybe. Or I'll already have one. But my last tie to my youth will be gone. Human friends are great, don't get me wrong. Y'all are amazing. But animals are different. Humans grow and change just like you. Animals grow and change but, there's something about them that stays that way. Zuri'll be more a relic of when I was fifteen than Lindz will be (if I'm still friends with her). Smokey was my tie to when I was a baby. Before I remember. I vaguely remember getting Tiger. Smokey was *the* animal I got before I remember. There will never be another animal I get before I remember. Smokey's gone and even though I don't bawl when I see her picture, I'm bawling now. If I'm still crying (occasionally) about Dutchess, I'll still be crying about Smokey until forever. I had Dutchess only a year. I had Smokey for fifteen. Thanks for listening to the rambles of a crying girl. I'll be okay. I'm not crying anymore. I swear. Thank you for listening. I am forever endebted.

Vickey

The e-mails

I forgot to include those e-mails last night. I was working under a time constraint and had about 60 seconds to post that. So here are the e-mails.

Can I ask you a favor? Could you please stop reading my journal? At least my main AOL one? (A moment that is mine) I don't mean to be a bitch or anything, I'd just rather you didn't. It's easier to be myself when people I don't know in real life are the only audience I have. Otherwise I have thoughts that I stifle because they're "inappropriate" or contrary to the image I want to present or just things that I'm embarrassed about or whatever. So could you please stop reading that one? Thank you. Vickey   Of course - anything for you!

I betcha I know what it's about - and I'm sorry for putting the
pressure on you. I really dislike feeling obligated to do something,
which is why i forced the responsibility on you - It wouldn't feel
right to me to do something like that because I said i would a while
ago - I'd want to do it spontaneously, because I really wanted to at
the moment in time. And nothing against you for acting as you did,
either - it's your choice, and I wanted to keep it that way.

Anywho, it's off the reading list. I'm leaving tomorrow around noonish
for school, and i'm verrry excited! Sooo much to do.

You're still my supergirl ;-) All parties willing, I'll hunt you down
and hang out when you when I'm around Rochester again.

--M

PS - You don't have to worry about maintaining an image around me, ya
know. I understand how ya feel, and I never overreact, nor are my
feelings capable (or so it seems) of being hurt. ^-^   I'll give you all the full story later. Right now, I need to go do my routines. (Yes, I'm at the computer and my bed isn't even made! *gasp* Gotta go before FLYlady starts hitting me on the head with her wand. lol)   Vickey

I lied.

From a FLYlady essay

We cannot ever change what happened to us
as a child, teenager or a young adult. For that matter we can't
change what happened yesterday, so why do we fret about it? This is
why I keep telling you that you are never behind, jump in where we
are and just start. Don't beat yourself up about what might have
been, look at what you can accomplish today. We have spent too many
years feeling sorry for ourselves and whining that I just can't help
it. "I was abused!" Well it is time to accept those bad things as
just something that happened and use them as a guide to a better way
of life. Looking back is only keeping you from experiencing the gift
that is yours today. Your present can be the joy that you have been
searching for, if you will just let go of your past and get on with
living, instead of wallowing in self-pity and pain.

Talk about a God Breeze. I've been beating myself up over yesterday afternoon and cringing every time I see the e-mail he wrote me back and every time I saw his sn signed on or the e-mail I wrote to him. Guess what? I can't change how I reacted. I can't change what happened and guess what? I reacted how I did for a reason. Because I'm not ready to kiss a guy. Because when I do have my first kiss, I want it to be with someone I love. Or at least have a SERIOUS crush on AND AM DATING. I want my first kiss to be with the boy I'm dating at the time. I'm not going to go try to find a guy and go out with him just to kiss him but I'm going to kiss a guy only when he becomes my boyfriend. Maybe not right away but, eventually. I can wait until I feel like it's right. I can wait until it's spontaneous and romantic. I can wait until it's the right guy at the right time in the right place. Murph is not the right guy, yesterday was not the right time, and my doorway with my dad and brother about 10 feet away is not the right place. See, there's a reason I didn't get to my e-mails for so long. There's a reason I had filed them away. There's a reason I got to them tonight. There's a reason for everything. I can't change what happened. I can't go back in time and redo it. If I could, I still wouldn't kiss him. Yes, he leaves tomorrow for college. Yes, I may not see him for a long time. But no, I will not sacrifice the sanctity of a first kiss just because he's leaving. It's like in Grease 2 (which sucks by the way) when the guy tries to convince his girlfriend to "do it for our country, our country wants us to". He says he might be going away to be drafted any day. Murph *is* going away but I'm not going to be convinced to kiss him just because of that. It's not worth it. My first kiss is just as special as my first time being intimate. I'm not going to throw my kisses away. I intend to keep them as special. Any how, I can't change what happened and I can't go back in time. But that's okay. For the first time since he left, I feel at peace with myself and with my choices.

I wonder which journal I'll post this in. Hmmm.... let's see.... possibilities: Xanga, LJ, A Moment That Is Mine, or Ma Serie de Crises. If Xanga, protected, private, or public? (Protected means nothing as I have no one on that list as of yet.) If LJ, private, public, or friends? I could do Xanga public to watch Jake squirm but this isn't the sort of thing I post in there. I could do LJ friends but, I don't think I want to reveal this God Breeze to them. I'll probably end up posting it in A Moment That Is Mine seeing as he no longer reads that as per my request. Oh, and I'll post the e-mails I mentioned earlier in this entry too. Guess it's A Moment That Is Mine. Y'all know (almost) everything about me anyhow. Kay, time for bed. Or more accuratly, time to clean up the bathroom from my bath and then bed. Good night and sweet dreams, all. (Note to self: learn to say that in French or Italian.)
Vickey

Last post today, promise

aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to confusion
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to growing up
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to turmoil
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to "rites of passage"
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to the crap inside my head
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to lack of a good cry
aldskfjawpoirpgfrlifkfdkfdkfdkjnfdkflgf to this weight on my heart

rlakjeroiuerkodsjflksdajfsldjkfskdghsdifhsdoijwoit

That didn't help much so I started screaming. Then I threw a temper tantrum. I haven't thrown a tantrum like that for years. I'm talking screaming, punching, throwing, flailing about, kicking. Couches were knocked off the couch, my hair was messed up, my throat hurts from the way in which I screamed. That felt good. Really good. I feel much better now.

.....

To the guy who categorized how I ate my ice cream: please don't read this journal anymore. Thank you.

To the rest of you: My head doesn't want to focus on anything today. I woke up with a bit too little sleep but I don't think that's it. I'm confused. Yesterday left me with a lot of questions. I'm wondering if I'll regret not kissing him. I'm wondering if I would have regreted it if I had. I'm wondering why I'm so tired. I know I didn't get enough sleep and I know sitting on my arse for the past few hours didn't help anything (but I did see Prelude to a Kiss, French Kiss, and the last hour of Coyote Ugly, which is still on, all of which are good). I couldn't fall asleep last night because of questions racing through my mind. But I know I made the right decision, right? I hesitated enough times that I know I made the right decision. I was supposed to make the first move. Apparently, when I didn't, he didn't want to wait so he tried but I said one word, "go". Just one word and I was depressed for the next two and a half hours. I changed my mood with one song and baked some cookies. I need a good cry. That's what I need. To cry my soul out. Hell, to cry myself to sleep. I always wake up refreshed when I cry myself to sleep if it's big, heart breaking sobs. Guess what I'll be doing tonight is drowning my sorrows in Moulin Rouge and Gone With the Wind. Too bad I gave that copy of Message in a Bottle to the library. It always makes me cry. Oh, I can read the end of The Guardian and cry my eyes out! Yay! lol How sad is this? I'm going nuts over the prospect of bawling. Time for the advil and a chocolate chip cookie.

(This is taking a lot of courage to hit save and I don't know why. It shouldn't but it is. I never write anything that doesn't get saved though and I won't start now.)

Before and after

Before FLYlady, what would today have been like? First, let me set the scene. It's Monday, almost the end of summer, and I'm home completely alone. I repeat, what would today have been like before FLYlady?

I would have woken up around noon.
I'd still be sitting here in my pajamas.
My teeth would be unbrushed.
My hair would be a rat's nest.
I would be wiping sleep from my eyes still.
The next few hours would be wasted on the computer.
My "breakfast" would have been about 40 minutes ago and would have consisted of two or three chocolate chip cookies.
My laundry would be piled up in my closet.
My room would be a complete mess.
I'd still have my glasses on.

Instead, do you know what today's been like so far?

I woke up around 8, got dressed, brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, moisturized my face, took my pills, put in my contacts, and made my bed.
Sure, I have stuff on my desk and my dresser but, you can see great spans of space in between.
I've been on and off the computer all day.
I had half a turkey sandwich for breakfast.
I had a toasted tuna (with french dressing instead of mayo mixed in) sandwich, a banana, a few stale pretzels, and a chocolate chip cookie for lunch.
I ran a load of laundry (that was far too full but, opps).
I spent fifteen minutes going through garbage bags of stuffed animals in the basement (I still have to clean them up though).
I cleaned the windows of the front and back door.
I took out the trash.
I dusted the horiziontal surfaces.
I participated in the Monday Photo Shoot.
I ranted at Jake in an entry in my Xanga.
I made tentitive plans for tomorrow.
I've drinken (drunk? drank?) approximately 5 glasses of water.
I still have to spend some time cleaning up my room.
I still have to take a shower and shave (again, how often must I reference that in this journal?!).
I'm watching Prelude to a Kiss with Meg Ryan and Alec Baldwin (who annoys me, at least in this movie).

Do you see the difference? Going to read more of Gone With The Wind and finish watching the movie. Oh, one other thing I did was clean up the mess in the basement yesterday. I fixed the couch, trashed the deck of cards that's missing a few cards, and picked up the art supplies that fell on the ground. Time to go. Oh, I have to bless my heart, too.

Babbling procrastination

I really need to get offline and to work on my summer assignment but, do you think that's what I'm going to do? Of course not. Jack's play is tonight. It's Joseph (and the technicolor dreamcoat, I assume but have only heard it referenced as Joseph). Anybody wanna make the trek to Rochester to see an amateur play at town hall? (Granted these amateurs are great. Jack's gonna be a-maz-ing!) I haven't seen any of her plays thus far this year and I feel bad about that so tonight Sayid, Russo, and I are all going. Unfortunatly, Jack fell off stage a few days ago and the dances in Joseph are horrid for her injuries. But the show must go on, ya know?
Much as I love Jack and can't wait for her play tonight, I guess I've gotta go work on these assignments. I expect however, even using 15 minutes at a time that I'll be back on here in about an hour because I'm just sick of working. So if you all could shot me an e-mail or a comment that basically tells me to get my arse back to work, that would be great. Oh, and because I need to shave my legs today (how often do I freaking mention that in here!?), I'm giving my dad my razor and not letting him give it back to me until I show him that I've finished at least two rough drafts of assignments. I *might* post them in Inspired (link in the sidebar) especially number 12.

Love always,
Vickey

Don't ask

I wanted to get back to this journal for something but it took so long to get here that I forget now! Dammit. Oh, this. My ticker won't show up! Darnit. SOmeboy tell me why it won't work. Whoa. Things look funky upside down. Kay. Enough of my ramblings.

 

New song

Yay! I can get to my journal again. Woohoo! Hope y'all like classical music. The new song I put in is Mozart. The other night I was bored and tired and my station turns to talk radio after 10 on Sundays. So I came down and *actually* asked if Dad had any classical CDs. I got the one we have. "The Most Relaxing Classical Album in the World... ever!" This song is on there. It's track 6 on disc 1, in case you were wondering. Oh, and it's called 'Elvira Madigan' Piano Concerto by Mozart. Sounds very eloquent, right? Oh, and to hear my favorite Anna Dagmar song, visit Inspired.

Standing up for what I believe

True Story. A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage. The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholisim is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshiped Satan. A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too.

If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness.

Old enough, young enough

How weird is this? It's probably 90-something out and extremely humid. I'm freezing. When I got my laundry out of the dryer, I wrapped myself in a hot towel. Now I'm sitting here with a hot cup of vienesse chocolate cafe or something. (Whatever it is, it's good. Want some?) I can't wait to have hot tacos tonight and I can't wait to feel that fire. To see the flames licking the wood black. To smell the kindling burning. I can't wait to taste the delicious s'mores and the hot dogs we're going to roast. I can't wait to feel the hard earth under my back tonight. I can't wait to laugh the night away with Sayiiiiid. I long for the structure of school but I love the carefreeness of summer. It's a Monday night and I'm going to sleep in my backyard. (The closest thing to real camping I'll get this year.) I'm a girl of many contridictions. One of which being that I'm not exactly a girl but not exactly a woman. I'm in between. Old enough to not join in the childish antics of my cousins but young enough so that when I do I'm not chastened with peals of "You're too old for that" but rather "You should know better". I'm old enough to appreciate the sounds of jazz and classical music at times but young enough to crave Top 40 to dance my butt off at others. I'm old enough to long for romance and young enough to not need it. I'm old enough to explore my interests seriously and young enough that if I change my mind, it's thrown off as a childish phase and nothing more serious. I'm old enough to understand certain jokes but young enough that I still giggle and blush at the thought of kissing someone. I'm old enough for sundresses and make-up but young enough for overalls and flip-flops. I'm probably too old for pigtails but I'm young enough that I wear them anyhow. I appreciate Starbucks and coffee but, I'd rather have McDonald's most of the time. I'm young enough to be rebellious and old enough to realize that sometimes no just means "I love you too much to let you risk that" but still young enough to fight back rashly and just want my way. I'm old enough to plan trips around the country or to Europe and young enough to think it's all going to happen while I'm still young. I'm old enough to know better but, I'm still too young to care, as the old saying goes. I'm old enough to plan but young enough to not have to fork over the money for my plans. I'm old enough to think about driving but young enough that I can't get my permit yet. I am so many things. I could go on forever but, right now, I've got a PODA (parade of daily appointments) that's calling my name. I've got posters to hang, legs to shave, summer assignments to do, and laundry to put away. I'm a busy busy child.

Modesty and mystery

When I do show some skin (aka my Halloween costume this year), the guys tend to notice. When I do bust out the mini-skirt or wear a dress, guys tend to notice. When I wear my hair down and put make-up on, guys notice. Just simply because I don't show skin every day. There are girls at my school that on any given day, you can probably see more skin than not. There are girls that wear their hair perfect every day and they wear make-up done exquisitely every day. I don't. I'm more reserved. Even today, I'm wearing a dress. It's *just* above my knee and it's modest but, I have my hair up and no make-up on. You don't get everything on one day. You can see me in tight jeans quite often but seeing my legs is a privilege, not a right with me. I know how to use what I have (and don't have) to my advantage. I know how to smile just the right way and get a guy to melt. I know how to flirt and get my way. I know what to wear and how to wear it to have the boys panting but I don't. I could do that every day and I could care but I don't! Instead, I save my energies for my studies and my friends and my writing. When I choose to use my energies like that, it's not for the guys. It's for me. If I wake up and feel like crap, I have two choices: wear sweats and feel crappy all day or put on tight jeans and a nice shirt and do my make-up. If I opt for the first, I'll feel cruddy all day long and I'll regret wearing my sweats because it'll keep me feeling crappy. If I get kinda dressed up and I do my make-up, I might feel fake at first but then I'll get a compliment on my shirt or I'll have somebody flirting with me in the corner and it'll boost my ego just enough to make me stop feeling cruddy and start feeling cute or pretty or whatever. If you see me wearing my favorite jeans, you're not gonna know if it's a normal day or if it started as a crappy one or if it started out as a great one. But if you see me with my make-up done, you'll know it started out crappy. If you see me with my make-up done but not like eyeliner and whatnot, you'll know it started off great. Showing a bit of skin every now and then gets me more attention than the girls that bare it all every day. When I do show something off, I can probably count off at least half a dozen guys before first period that I caught staring. When I don't, I don't notice any stares but it keeps me a bit more mysterious. That and the fact that I don't flirt my head off with everybody. If I like somebody, I'll flirt but I don't flirt just to flirt. Most of the time. I gotta go. I've sat here for too long writing. And I'm starting to ramble.

Likes, Dislikes, and Turn-offs

Totally stealing this from Dawn

~Likes~

1. Zoning out on the couch, watching movies or standup comedy

2. Finding the time to read

3. Shopping with friends (never alone!)

4. Cooking something wierd that actually tastes good

5. Men who are attractive, affectionate, well read with a good sense of humor and he has to be a bit stubborn. (I loose all respect for a man if he lets me take control of a relationship.) <~totally stealing this answer

6. Sixteen Candles (the movie)

7. Mock fighting with Lindz or the Ladies Who Lunch

8. The X-Files when it was Scully and Moulder

9. Long flowy feminine skirts

10. Fresh baked snickerdoodles

11. Momma's famous burgers

12. Kurtis (Liz's old next door neighbor aka Mr. Sexy)

13. The satisfaction that comes with finishing a good book

14. Intellectual discussions

15. Chocolate covered strawberries

16. Voices that just reach into your soul and touch something deep inside you, never to leave you again (modified answer from Dawn)

17. Crazy (the song by Patsy Cline)

18. The feeling of my shoulders, hips, and jaw not cracking for five minutes after my chiro appointments

19. Samantha

20. Godiva Beligian Dark Chocolate Ice Cream

~Dislikes~

21. Close-minded people

22. Doing dishes

23. Hypocrites <~stealing this answer (btw: all teenagers hate hypocrites along with most of the rest of the world)

24. Summer assignments

25. PMS

26. Sushi

27. People that thinks they're better than you and that their crap doesn't stink

28. Abuse by anyone to anyone but especially to innocent children

29.President Bush. (another answer stolen from dawn)

30. My school's new dress code (totally bogus! No spaghetti straps or halters? Puh-lease!)

31. Women who constantly critique or criticize their bodies

32. Those who judge before getting to know you

33. Losing an argument (I am very argumentative at times. I'll argue and argue in circles to be right unless I *know* I'm wrong.)

34. Scott (Angel's husband, not my grandmother's husband)

35. The sound of nails on a chalkboard

~TURN OFFS~

36. Not being able to talk freely (reason one I dumped Bryan)
37. Arrogance. You are *NOT* God's gift to women/men. You are just another person put here by the grace of God.

38. Lack of chivalry. If I actually manage to go out on a date somewhere, I'd *love* it if the guy would open the door for me and *gasp* even pull out my chair if we were sitting somewhere. No, you don't have to put your coat in a puddle before me but, it would be nice if you'd put it around my shoulders when you see I'm cold.

39. Fakeness. Don't stab your best friend in the back. Don't try to befriend me just because I brought some of my Halloween candy with me. Ick.

40. Men who go by the stereotypes. Yea, I'll tell a blonde joke now and then and yes, I'll call myself blonde when I'm having a stupid moment and no, I shouldn't but don't you dare think that just because I actually cover my body with my clothing and just because I might actually wear my glasses to school and I'm kinda shy and kinda insecure that I'm boring. Glasses do not mean I'm smart (I am but, that has nothing to do with my glasses). Covering myself does not mean I'm boring or old-fashioned. It means I'm modest and that when I do show a bit of skin, you're damn lucky cause not everyone gets that show. Just because I'm shy and insecure does not mean you can wow me with your charm or that you can easily play me and boost my self-esteem with compliments and get me into bed. My self-esteem is higher than that. Yes, compliments do help your case but, they're not gonna get you access to me.

Sleep

Do you know how much easier it is to function when you have enough sleep? Lately, I've been getting enough sleep so on the few days I don't, it's torture. I need nine hours of sleep a night. Last night, I got about 7 1/2. I'm still not awake. I'm going to sleep early and forget that run I had planned. My mind is mush and my fingers aren't working full speed. I typically type fast, very fast. And accurately. But right now, my fingers are slow and making tons of mistakes. It's 90+ outside and I'm sitting here in jeans and a sweatshirt. I urge you all to get enough sleep. After less than a month of getting the right amount of sleep, I can totally tell when I didn't. If you're tired and cranky and a grouch most days, try getting more sleep! It's certainly helped my disposition. Oh, and school starts in, like, 5 weeks. I'm gonna start getting my sleep schedule fixed NOW. As in, up at 10 this week, at 9 next week, 8 the week after that, then 7, then 6. I should be ready for school if I do that.

(I realize this is crap writing but my mind isn't functioning. Most likely, I'll delete this entry in the morning when my mind functions.)

Vickey