From aprx. 10/12
It's offical. Math this year sucks. Love algebra and algebraic equations or formulas but hate geometry. For those familiar with NYS courses, I'm in Math A/B this year. Which sucks major.
We all paint our faces with masks sometimes. We all play different roles. One of my roles is Sawyer. Sawyer's role is to be there for her friends, to be picked on a bit (all in the spirit of love, of course), to spit out her drink at lunch. There have been times I really didn't feel like laughing and I sure wasn't laughing hard enough to spit out my drink. But I did it anyways. And because I played that role, and apparently played it well, Jack (my darling friend) was shocked at my entry in my LJ. This entry was directed at my friends at school. I was explaining how I can't stop being tempted to SI. How it's not as easy as "I want to stop". Apparently Jack believed my role so often that she thought I was always happy, always cheerful, and always ready to brighten someones day. And to some degree that's true. If I can make your day better, I will do it most days. I spend most of my time either content, happy, angry, or sad. ANd most of that is content or happy! I lead a pretty good life. I'm finally not depressed and I love it. Yes, I get sad but I don't contemplate suicide. My SI is taking out my anger at my father on myself. And it makes no sense but that's how it is. I need a shrink to help me learn how to get my anger out in other ways. I need a shrink so I don't wind up SIing with more than my nails (which I cut off last night, btw). Ya know what? Go read that entry if you wanna know what all is written there. I wrote it better there than I can ever regurgitate here.
Same day...
My cold is better than it was this morning. Always gets better during the day and worse at night and in the mornings. I'm starving. Didn't eat breakfast and left my water bottles at home so I don't even have water except during passing times.
10/14
I can't go to Hots tonight and I'm so mad. Hots is my release, my escape, my once a week guaranteed socialization outside of school. And we don't have school next Friday so I don't get Hots then either. I'm gonna see if some people wanna do Starbucks next Thursday after school. Like Mag and Josh. And hope they weren't kicked out last year or the year before. Yeah, it happened.
10/17
One. Year. Ago. I wanted to cut myself. One Year. Ago. I didn't. I used a red marker instead. I haven't wanted to hurt myself in about 9 hours. {Last night I wanted to in order to make it years from today I hadn't SIed in. It was a physical feeling that I conquered by putting my wristband on. I almost want to actually cut. I blame the website I looked at yesterday. It claimed in order to be considered a "self-injurer", you had to have made marks that "did tissue damage" (broke the skin, bruised, or left marks that were visible an hour later) and some other condition. I think it was that you'd done it to get rid of some "negative feeling" and I do that. I SI in an attempt to get rid of my anger. But I feel like the more ppl know about how little I've SIed, how the scratches are only surface wounds, how it only lasts a few minutes that I'm SIing (if that); the less they'll feel this is real. I feel if I cut, even once, they'd have to realize this is real and that I need help.} The last time it was a mental desire was 3 1/2 days ago. And the last time I did was umm.... I'll have to figure that out when I get home.
Same day.
I don't trust myself today. If I had nails, I prolly would wind up SIing today. I didn't want to risk fighting with Dad and cutting. That is one step I will not take. So I'm sleeping at Lindz's and going home with her on the bus. I think the last I rode someone else's bus was seventh or eighth grade. Bringing all my stuff to school was a pain though. I had to use an actual backpack and it's filled to the seams.
Same day.
I hate lab days. I hate not eating lunch. I hate English this year. He's trying to get me to be a "self-directed learner" and to do all these things that I don't understand. Like power paragraphs and thesis statements. (And everything in my bag smells like crappy perfume!) I probably should guard this better. I've guarded it viciously to protect the secrets of others but I've left mine out for many to see today. Andrew, Misako, Kyle, Jenn, Mrs. Pain-in-the-ass, Mr. Mahoney, all of these people could possibly know my secret.
10/18
I saw Ali yesterday. I don't like hospitals. They don't scare me, persay, but I'd rather not go there if I could help it. I make exceptions though. I hadn't been in a hospital that I recall in seven years. When I think hospital, I think sick. Really sick. And Ali is. And I didn't know if she'd be weak and hardly able to walk or what. Which scared me. But she was just normal Ali. We went for a walk around the hospital. She showed us (Lindz and I) the lowest level. You're not supposed to go there, I don't think. But we did. Ali goes like everywhere. She knows the ins and outs of that hospital too well. She showed us the psych ward she was in a couple months ago. It was really fun. I'm going back to see her tonight by myself after school. My teeth were chattering so bad last night though. When I get nervous, they do that. If I suppress it, my head'll shake or my hands or something. If I'm really nervous, my umm... how to put this delicately? digestive system doesn't like tohold food. Get the drift? I'm just glad I wasn't that nervous. I said I'd bring her coke tonight so I'm gonna run to Wegman's and get coke and a job application. I'm going to fill out the paperwork today in "the career center" for a work permit. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be working at Wegman's. I know a lot of people that are cashiers there which happens to be the job I want. Or the deli. But I think you have to be 18 to work a slicer. And tall enough to see over the counter. Which I'm not. Anyhow, I'd rather be a cashier. Dawn, wanna give me a quick lesson on registers? lol Not really sure why and I'd probably hate it but it's money and that's what I need. But Wegman's is a great company to work for. Fortune 500 top 10 I think. Scholarship program for college, flexible hours, when I come home for breaks at college I can pick up a couple hours to work easily, walking distance to my house. Great job, basically.
Today is Make A Difference Day. Just so you know. I need 40 hours of volunteer work by my senior year. I currently have zero. It's honestly not that much. It's less than an hour a week over a year. And I still have three in which to do it.
I took about a bajillion pictures of Ali last night. And I plan on taking a billion more tonight. I'll upload them to my photobucket tonight. I have to e-mail them to Ali and I'll post some of the really good, cute ones tonight. I got some I really like and some she really likes too. Which is a shock but it's a good thing too. I took some when she shut the lights off not knowing exactly where they were or what kind of a picture I'd get. By that point, Ali knew the sound of the camera and she'd make a funny face when I hit the button. I'm obsessed with photographing her.I think b/c I know she's really sick and CF is terminal. I know she's getting worse and that she won't live as long as she deserves to. My only fear about dying is that I'll be forgotten, I won't be understood, my complexities won't be understood, and that who I am will fade just as quickly as I do. I'm taking out this fear by making sure there is photographic evidence that she existed, of who she is, of her looks. I feel like, in so many ways, I don't know who she is. I know that I love her. That I trust her. That she doesn't like to talk about her CF. That she fully expects to be around in June (don't ask how I know this. The comment had to do with Betty though). I don't believe she'll die before the end of the year. I think she wil be around next year. At least until January. Yes, she's horribly sick. Yes, she's in the hospital. Yes, she's dying. But I think she'll see the year 2006. And if she's well enough to pedal around Strong, she's well enough to see 2006 at least in my mind.
10/19
It's Wednesday. LOST tonight. School tomorrow. But tomorrow's my last day this week. I get Friday off for some superintendient's conference day. I have a pretty green vinyl bracelet. Walking out of the hospital with it on, I felt like someone would think I was a patient escaping. In a way, I am. I mean, we're all patients. We've all got problems to be treated for. Ignore that. It was supposed to sounds smart and philosophical but it came out wrong. I'm joining track next year. Either running of some sort or pole vaulting, I think. Sarah's doing her best to convince me to to vault spring track. I don't know. But I've almost got my work permit. Just need my doctor's signature saying I've had a physical in the last 12 months. And to bring my social security card, birth certificate, & school ID to the career center in order to get the actual permit. I can work 18 hours a week til February 20 then 28 hours a week (have to be 16). Oh and I was right about the deli. Can't work there for another four months. Oh hey! Tomorrow's my 15 year and 7 months old b-day. Cool! And I get a mini celbration even. Starbucks w/some friends. Awesome. Oh but I'm PMS
.
hehehe ^_^ My hair is dirty and annoying me. I had a lecture about the
homecoming parties first period, a unit test second, and now a quiz
third.I haven't been tempted in 12 hours. Haven't SIed in 10 days. My nails are starting to grow back. They're at the perfect length. Long enough so I can scratch an itch but short enough to take an effort in order to SI. But I guess I wind up SIing in another way though. I just didn't realize it. Instead of using my nails, I'll tweeze my eyebrows or cut my fingernails which forces me to cut my cuticles. So I've been in denial about it. With this revelation, I SIed last night. It's just things I already need to do so I don't view it as SIing. Denial.
Oh, and doing vaulting would be horrid for my mild case of anorexia (I'm talking really mild-contemplating or actually skipping a meal, not allowing myself sweets, decreased body image & self-esteem, not starving myself to be 80 lbs).
I've battled depression on & off since about fifth grade. My most major episode lasted 8 months from October 04 to June 05. I've battled SI for just over a year and anorexia nervous for about 2 or 3 years.
I didn't SI (in my typical way) for Ali last night. For her, I didn't. But I didn't realize that plucking stray hairs was SIing. I'm designating a safe spot. I will not harm myself or cause myself any pain (necessary or not) while on my bed. And when I'm mad, I will go on to my bed. Am I really ready to stop this? Am I really ready to give it up? Do I want to stop? I know I said I do but I guess I'm hesitant to give up any coping skill I have. Maybe it's a control thing. I have no control over my life and the death of Charlie and Ali's hospitialization are driving this fact home. But I can control whether or not I SI. I can control if I eat or not. And, for the most part, what I eat and when. When I'm issed, I either SI, don't eat, or eat a bunch. I've even thought about barfing b/c I feel bad about how much I ate.
That's it for right now. Gonna go be girly and experiment w/my hair and make-up. :) Later, guys.
