Hyperocity!!!!!!!!!

 Way too fucking hyper! Ahhh beware: I'm probably gonna say fuck a lot in this entry. When I'm hyper I do. I smell Josh. It's on my shirt and til I change, I'm gonna smell him. And thus gonna think about him and thus gonna be talking about him. OMG! The Click Five is amazing! Just the Girl is the song I'm listening to right now. LOVE THEM! Smells far better than cigarette smoke though. :) I'm really hyper. I'm going absolutely nuts. I love it! It's a real Friday. I biked to school and then Josh had to warm up my hands because I was fucking cold. The school day passed rather uneventfully but I got Ricky :). Up til now he was exempt because of his freshman status. Not anymore. :) hahaha (btw: Ricky's ubercool) (still smells good :) lol) And I had fun and then PHots was UBER AMAZING!!!!!! Kate and Lester and Nick and Brian were all there!!!!!! (All graduated last year) I've missed Fridays like they used to be. I'm so happy to see old friends and hang out with new ones. Josh was there (which is why I smell like him). It smells SO good! Ya know how some guys (or girls) just smell really good to your nose and others smell ick? Well I love the way he smells. I'm so hyper. And Mommy's coming tonight! She'll be here between 8 and 8:30 so I won't be here til Sunday night. But I get to see my sissy and my kitty and my mommy and my stepdaddy! I've missed them all so much!!!!!! I'm probably even gonna hug Ray. That's how much I've missed them. As a general rule, I don't typically hug Ray or miss him. But I do! I want to see all of them so bad! Gonna have to wait til tomorrow morning to see Sami though since she'll be long asleep by the time I get there. I've gotta go pack though. I'll update more later. *bounces off to pack and then hurry back here while smelling her shoulder like a madwoman b/c that's the part of her shirt that smells like Josh* LOL

Vickey
Hyper
Hyper
Hyper
Bouncy
Bouncy
Bouncy
hehehe
^_^
Bye for now!

I wanna fall in love

Lindz and I were talking earlier and I want to make sure I have this part of the convo saved if my computer decides to dump everything. Don't laugh. It's happened to other people. Why should I be any different? The convo basically speaks for itself. The Josh refered to (in case you haven't gotten the memo yet) is a guy I like. He's Lindz's ex as well. Very drama causing. Anyhow, here's the convo.

vickey: i wanna fall in love
lindz: i know
vickey: kay, bear with this train of thought, kay?
lindz: uh huh
vickey: when you get horny, you typically want to, like, have sex or be intimate like that, right?
lindz: yeah
lindz: like megga but yeah
vickey: okay, well i don't get that. when i get "horny", what i want is romance. i want a guy to stand behind me and just wrap his arms around me while i'm talking to whomever. i want him to kiss me on the hand. to hug me or hold me. when i get horny, i don't want to screw or whatnot. i just want romantic gestures. hell, i've never even been like "omg i wanna kiss someone!" that may very well change once i have my first kiss but, for now it's not. i just want romance.
lindz: i was like that till i got a taste of things...
vickey: the most i'm willing to do is kiss a guy. and i don't even know if i'm ready to do that (not a word of this to anyone)
lindz: i know to that your not ready as you say, and to not saying anything
vickey: english please?
lindz: i have been able to tell that you dont think your ready. and i also i wont tell
vickey: oh, okay. i get it now

bit of convo that has no relevance to this point

vickey: i want fucking romance! argh! getting pissed at life slowly but surely
lindz: you know your not gonna get just romance from josh... hes gonna want to do stuff
vickey: i know. i also know that IF anything happens with him, i demand respect. and i refuse to do "stuff". i have my standards and i'd rather live without romance than have romance and be doing stuff i'm not ready for
lindz: yeah he well nvm
vickey: what?
lindz: he just trys to push it on you even thou he says he wont do that, he just doesent realize it... dont tell him i said that thou, please
vickey: i won't. but i also know that i don't cave. i refuse to do more than i am ready for and i won't sacrifice that for anyone. i'm not going to do something b/c i want romance when i won't be able to look myself in the eye (in the mirror)
lindz: yeah and hes not really the kind of guy that has to romance your looking for... hes not that romantic
vickey: i'm not looking for it from him specifically. if i were to find the romance i'm seeking in him, great. amazing. wonderful. if i don't, fine. whatever. all i know is i like him. i can't help that. but i'd rather stay far away from him than be sucked into things i can't respect myself if i do
lindz: yeah, well im just telling you, seeing as i dated him
vickey: and i'm just saying all this
vickey: if i don't say this, and if i don't get it out and i don't make sure you know this and i get sucked into something down the road, i can convince myself then that i wanted to. that i wanted to do all that and i was never against it. that i was ready for it. but if i get it out and i make sure some one other than me knows how i feel, i can't go back against it. i can't do something and say i was ready or say i wanted to. b/c we both know i'd be lying.
lindz: yep


Life is so weird sometimes! I want romance but there's no source of it in my life. When I get romance, y'all remind me not to toss it aside, kay? Remind me to cherish it.

Love always,
Vickey

Candlelight Vigil

As many of us know, Promise (the wonderful woman that does the Journal Jar) has been diagnosed with cancer. She got very ill the other night and I just ask you all to please keep Promise in your thoughts and prayers. Click here for more details.

Promise, I love you and I'm praying for you!

Vickey

I...

*I AM: just trying to figure out my place in this world


*I WANT: to know where I stand with the guys in my life


*I HAVE: worried myself too much over trivial things in the past


*I WISH: to find my One True Love


*I HATE: those who abuse the powerless


*I MISS: Mom, Sami, Zuri, and Ray so much!!!!!!!!!!


*I FEAR: Dad's reaction


*I HEAR: chatter every day that amounts to nothing


*I WONDER: how life will be a year from now


*I LOVE: with all my heart, as though I've never been hurt before


*I ALWAYS: speak my mind


*I AM NOT: a child but I am not an adult


*I AM NOT ALWAYS: the person you think I am


*I NEED: to figure out some major (and not so major) things in my life


*I SHOULD: go do my english homework.

5 minutes

Reasons why the first five minutes after English (aka last period) were the greatest five minutes of the past four days:

1.) I saw Jack and talked to her. *small smile*
2.) I saw Sayid and Russo and they both screamed "Sawyer!" at the same moment. *small smile increases to a smile*
3.) I didn't find Lindz in the front lobby so I asked Josh who was standing outside in a group with Whats-his-face (refuse to learn his name)(won't stop hitting on me), Bryan (my ex that I've actually talked to a couple times in the past few days), Jeremy (Bryan's best friend who is actually semi-cool), and some other morons. Josh used my hair as an example of color (for what, idk) and then when I asked him if he knew where Lindz was, he put his arm around me. *smile increases to a huge smile*
Didn't find Lindz but, I'm sure she's fine. And Josh put his arm around me. He's actually talking to me again after ignoring each other's existence since Monday morning! LOL Dontcha just love the teenage drama? I swear there's too much drama in my life! Granted it'll all be forgotten by June but, then again new crap will come up and things related to this crap in some obscure way will be connected to it as though they were nearly one and the same problem.

Sexy pictures ;o)

Hello, Darlings! It's picture time! First, let us start with Decades Day. I did the 1980's. With Dawn's wonderful advice and my mother's clothing, this is what I wound up with...

Next, just me going nuts...

Homecoming night. Firstly, Maggie looking amazing and cute (like always)...

And lastly, me before the homecoming dance (do we all see why Josh was graviating towards me? lol not that Lindz didn't look spectacular [the reason I don't have a pic of her in here is because I didn't get any fantabulous ones] and so did the other girls there but, do I not look fabulous? I sure felt it.)...

Hope those showed up. They're not showing up on my computer but the tag in the last entry apparently showed up on your computers but not my own.

Two old short entries

I'm looking ALL over for something that take AAA batteries so that I can put them back into the stereo remote that I'm sure I took them out of months ago but the ONE place I fail to look is where we keep the extra batteries! What the heck!? Found my batteries. You can rest easy now.

I got semi-grounded today. hahaha sucks for me but, I'm ungrounded. I was only "grounded" for about 3 hours, if that. And I spent the whole time in my room, looking through magazines and talking on the phone to Lindz and Nick. Gotta go. Bedtime. I'll update more tomorrow. (When this'll get posted.)

Written before homecoming

I was raised in a football family in a soccer town. Every Sunday during the fall, I could smell pasta or chili cooking and could hear the football game going on as I read a book. Of course, since I tune the world out when I'm reading, I only hear the game vaguely and thus have no idea about the rules. Now, I live in a football family in a football town. Our homecoming game is football where as in my old town they have a soccer game. Football is the traditional homecoming sport, right? So though I know nothing about the game, I do know this. We're playing R.H. on our field at 2 o'clock today. No matter how much or how little I pay attention to the game, it should be a unique experience. Last year's game, I didn't have a clue what was going on. This year, I intend to know what the score is and who has the ball, at least. I've gotta go get ready. I'm going to Lindz's til tomorrow. I'll update from there. Homecoming 2005, here I come!

September 9

9/9
Happy slap-ass Friday! Russo got me in global. Backtrack: I was late this morning due to traffic and oversleeping. Fastforward: I didn't get her back but I did get Josh (Lindz's ex who is a story unto himself). He started "yelling" at me about my hoodie. Okay, Lindz's hoodie that I was wearing. It has thumb holes and I wasn't using them so he made me. I swallowed my allergy pill w/o water and it stuck in my throat. After semi-flirting with him, I ran to class and asked to get a drink (yes but not til she said my name). So now I'm sitting in math. I guess I'll give you the Josh story now since I hate paying attention in math.
Two years ago, there was a bomb threat at school. Apparently (interruption: I so totally get this now! Back to the story), it was him. He had unmarked fireworks in his backpack and he didn't know it was him for hours. Now he's on probabtion. The first time I met him as Lindz's mega crush, we looked at each other and knew we'd met before but can't figure out where. He looks so familiar to me. I look at his startling blue eyes and feel like I know him. And he feels like he knows me but we can't figure it out! I have to look at my old yearbooks and see if I recognize him. Apparently, he's changed but his eyes have stayed the same. So maybe that'll tell me something. First, I have to figure out his last name. (Just gotta ask Lindz.) Oh, and he left me a note on my notepad (that I've had since the 6th grade) taht says "Yo!"lol (It amuses me).

I so just had to run across the entire school to get to English. I was late and I didn't get my notebook because it's in a suitcase at dad's. So I was late for nothing and now I know I must go to my locker between German and Bio and not again til the end of the day on day 4's unless it's between labs (bio and english). So in bio lab, I totally aced the thing we were doing. Then in English lab, we had this assignment and one part was to write about something we identify with. I planned on writing about music but we had 5 mins for each task and I wrote something vague at first and then came the sentence "A cutter connects to her blade" which spawned a page long spiel about how a cutter and her blade connect. (I'd appreciate it if my English teacher would quit standing right behind me.)

From one person to myself again

9/12
There's this girl I used to be about three weeks ago and I'm not sure where she went. I see glimpses of her now and then but overall, I don't know where she is. She's the girl you all have come to know and love. I don't need to explain her. It's me you don't know. Lately, I'm selfish and constantly second-guessing myself. I lie awake at night thinking of what I should have done, what I should have said. I feel shallow and ugly. I feel self-conscious instead of self-confident. I don't feel like myself. I am a multi-faceted person (I say person instead of woman or girl because I can be both at times. This is part of my multi-facetedness). I don't like this part of me. It's a valid part of me and I respect that but when this part stays for more than a day or two, I begin to think it will never end. Even worse, I begin to believe it. Homecoming is Satruday. I know I'll be fine at the game because I'll be in jaens but the dance will be harder in a short, tight dress. (Craop! Got caught. Gotta go. This sucks.)

That was nerve-wrecking. Baring my soul for my health class is not my idea of fun. But I did pretty well, I think. I explained how it relates to me. And I did it all off the top of my head. Oh, and one of the girls that used to pick on me horrendously not only is in my class but she sits directly behind me. I hope she understood the whole "it doesn't take a talent to be mean/but words can crash things that are unseen" lyric. My knees were literally shaking. I feel more like myself though. The good part of me. Let's just hope this feeling lasts. This is actually a really good assignment. I like a lot of these songs. I can hardly keep from singing out loud.

Boy=drama

Josh hardly said two words to me all day. It sucks. I mean, right now, I have absolutely no clue where I stand with any guy that I remotely like. The ones I've talked to haven't given me any clues and most of them I haven't talked to. Let's see. Let us go through the drama, kay?

Jon-Was supposed to come to homecoming this year. Broke my heart last year. Didn't come, didn't call to tell me himself that he wasn't coming. Wound up crying over him for about 1/2 an hour before the dance. There's a lot of drama in the past surrounding him that I won't get in to. No clue if I like him, if he likes me, whether we're going to ever get back to the friendship we once had, if we're going to wind up taking it farther. Right now, I'm so indifferent towards him.

Josh-Lindz's ex. I know him from somewhere and he knows me but neither of us can figure it out. (One look in his eyes and I knew that I'd met him before!) We've basically flirted (subtly) since day one and at the homecoming game both of us were totally flirting. Lindz still has feelings for him (I have certain theories about that but I have to talk to her about them before I write about it). He found me for three dances (well, for two and we just kept dancing for another the last time) and I think he was looking for me for the last dance but I was with Amanda on the bleachers. I kinda ignored his existence this morning and he choose to ignore mine this afternoon. :(

This guy in my English class-I can't remember his name (okay, I can but I don't want to say). He's really hot. In eighth grade, we almost missed the bus at the Jefferson Monument together. (We were both downstairs with friends and when we came up, we happened to grab the same elevator and realize our class was missing! And when we got on the bus, everyone was like "Ooooo! Vickey and [insert name]! What were you two doing?!" and then we wound up sitting next to each other since Dave and Liz were next to each other.) I think I've seen him looking at me in class but, I can't be sure.

(Remember: this is guy's I even remotely like. From here on out, it's mostly stretching it.)

Christian-one of Jack's best friends, two years younger than me. I don't know why I like him but, I do. But it'll NEVER happen because he's so much younger than me and I like my guys a bit older than me (Jon is the only guy I've liked seriously that was younger than me). Plus, the whole dating one of your best friend's best friend's dynamic is NOT appealing.

Chris-I kinda flirt with Chris but, it's just flirting. He's like an older brother to me in most respects. I know if I ever needed protection, he'd do it, no questions asked. He doesn't typically look at me like anything more than a little sister, someone to be tolerated and picked on but yet respected and protected. The idea of me in a bikini is not exactly appealing to him. Which I take as a good thing. (I'm so unself-conscious around him because of it.) But uh... yeah. Chris will NEVER be more than a casual flirtation and a friend.

CJ-HOT HOT HOT senior. Intelligent, caring, easy to talk to, but broken-hearted. (His gf cheated on him after almost 1 1/2 years.) There might be potential if he wasn't heart broken but, as of now, I haven't talked to him since I met him.

There really isn't much more I can stretch it. At the moment, the two guys that I really have no clue where I stand with are Jon and Josh. I'd *really* like to know where I stand with them and them with me. It's so confusing and such an awful feeling not to know where we stand with each other!

 Is that showing up on your computer? It's supposed to be the wonderful signature Sara made me but, it won't show up on mine!

 

P.S. Because of my theories, Lindz and I probably won't be speaking for a couple days. Great fun, huh?

Hair

It's the Sunday of Homecoming Weekend and ya know what that means? It means that Lindz and I are dying each others hair! Last year we each did pink. Our first time ever dying hair. It held in her hair for a bit (kay, try forever) and only held in mine for about 3 days and only if you knew it was there. We've done it multiple times since then and it has NEVER held in my hair. Finally, I've got dyed hair! I used ColorPulse and instead of choosing blonde (like last time I tried to dye my hair), I choose (with the help of Russo, Sayid, and Lindz) red pulse. So Lindz put the dye in and then we followed the directions and blah blah blah and pictures soon of Lindz's black hair (that I am about to do) and of my RED hair! It held! hehehe Time to go dye her hair. (Oh, and pics of "my family", Homecoming, and uhhh..... oh yeah. Decades Day!)

Vickey

Random short old entries

Most of my fantasies involve little things. I'm talking just curling up on the couch thisclose to my sweetheart and watching a romantic movie, perhaps kissing when they kiss. Most of my fantasies stop far short of sex. Hell, all of them do. If I read a book with a well-written sex scene, I giggle and blush and enjoy it completely but when left to my own devices, I prefer to think about things I may do in the next ten years. I rarely even think about kissing.

 

 

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful...

for telephones so I can talk to Lindz in WI.

for inside jokes that never fail to make me laugh.

for little confidence boosters.

for laughter.

for friends I'd die for.

for the promise of tomorrow.

for a working body, a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

for mindless activites to do.

 

 

I have just come to view fishing in a very similar light to that in which I view hunting. I do not hount and do no like hunting especially if just for sport. I do not eat venison or any other meat which is not store-bought. I know I'm somewhat of a hypocrite for eating any meat but, that's who I am. I have fished before but never has anyone I was with (and certainly not me) cuaght anything more than seaweed. Lindz and I were fishing and she caught one. It wiggled around and was gulping air and it was just so helpless. I can't stand to see them like that. I reeled in my line and came in the camper. I don't see the appeal in fishing. Sitting and waiting and then half-killing a poor fish. It's beyond me. I'll stick to my books and my blogs, thank you very much.

*sigh*

*crash* this is the sound of my hopes and spirits crashing. Jon's probably not coming to the game today. I really wanted to see him today but, their car broke down and there's no way Lori can get him out here. So he's probably not coming and that sucks. I'm going to try to do something and either get him out here soon or get me out there. If all else falls, he's coming to my sweet sixteen party (along with the rest of the family since I miss them all so much). Ugh. This sucks. I'm hoping that some miracle will occur and he'll be able to get his arse out here. But if not, I'll deal with it. I've got a bunch of friends going to the game that can easily raise my spirits again. Like Jack and Sayid and Russo who can make me spit out my drink. (Which they were planning to do in front of Jon.) So yeah. We're leaving for the game eventually. Meeting Ali and Kyle there at 1:45, apparently. I changed my voicemail to say that I'm at Lindz's and if you need me call her cell and gave the number. Since he's supposed to call me today (whether he can come or not), he should get that message and call Lindz's cell. I'm gonna go now. I've got a better state of mind to shimmy into. LOL

Love always,
Vickey

 

Oh, and I have a lovely tag made by Sara that I intend on using soon but, I'm at Lindsay's and the tag is saved on Dad's computer. So I'll display her wonderful work soon. As in tomorrow or Monday soon.

AOL mini-rant

Just wanted to add a little AOL rant in here. I can't see any graphics! All pictures show up as little boxes with red xes in them. It sucks. Just wanted to let you know that. I *just* got home from Hots and meet an incredibly cute guy but he's in college and way out of my league (age wise). So fun to gaze at but totally off limits.
Anyhow, I'm gonna go read some journal alerts then work on the weekend assignment and the dance assignment. It's a diamonte (sp?). Should be fun. More to come later.

Love always,
Vickey

Last old entry for today with a new update

September 7, 2005

My second day of school. I hung out at Lindz's by myself for a whle and just as I was going to bed, she got home. By 10 pm, I was asleep. This morning, I had to wear my new shirt. Sayid got it for me from a street vendor in NYC. It says "NYC Mental Institution" on the back and on the front left (over my heart). I love it! So I got ready and in global, we just did a map. Now I'm in math "learning" about transformations (I learned this in fourth grade. So there's a new twist here and there.) Time for health... In health, we did nada and Mandy and I pretended we didn't know each other (don't ask). And in chorale, I sucked. Really challenging piece sightreading. Eek! Now I'm in German and I sit in the back right corner next to Andrew. Great. lol

 

Kay ppl. Present time here. Gotta go do the last of my homework. There are a ton of entries I haven't typed up in my notebook but, they're gonna have to wait. Oh, and I have some news for y'all. This time, it's good news. At least I think so. But you'll have to wait in suspense til tomorrow. hehe ^_^

Love ya,
Vickey

Another old entry

July 13

List of productive things I've done today:
Worked on my story about Kate and Matt
Finished my English book (haven't started assignments)
Downloaded AIM for Jeff
Made list of "firsts"

List of movies I've seen today:
Unfaithful
Stepford Wives (only part)
Paycheck (in progress)

Number of times I've thought about guys today:
Approximatly 372

Number of PMS complaints: Thousands
Hours of headaches/backaches/PMS pain:24
Cures tried: pills, heat, toughing it out
Effects: 5 mins relief, few hours relief, zero reliefe

Basically boring day. Good but boring. Very bad PMS (sry guys). I haven't been this horrid (physically or emotionally) in a long time. Murph made a joke about how I was "too short to register" and I knew he was joking and I knew he didn't mean it but it made me cry. Total PMS response. (Sorry for that, babe.) I hate all this hormone stuff. My head & back hurt. Midol, Bible, and (probably) bed.

Love always,
Vickey

Another old entry

6/24

Oh my gosh. Amazingness! Where do I start? I should start with... uhh... Well I *should* start with Linear. But will I? Guess I will. So, I sat there and wrote for a bit. Thought a lot. Went for a walk or two alone and got lost on my way back. Afterwards, Lindz and I went to Hots and saw Kate. She's going off to college in the fall and I had to say good-bye. I'm so gonna miss her. Then, we went back to Lindz's Mom's. We (Lindz and I (she's helping me remember)) think Kyle came over and had a potato party. lol Don't ask. Blah. Next day..... Testing. Thought I was late and gonna miss my test. Saw Andrew and we walked to the exam together. Pretty easy exam. Began "Dear John" letter to Bryan after I finished. The weather was so crappy. I walked to Starbucks then to Hots then back to the HS and got soaked in the process. Took the (easy) math exam. Came back to Dad's. Blah. Next day... uhhh... How did it start? Get up. Coffee. Mess. Burned mac 'n' cheese. Trampoline. Gross water. Swimming.

 

and that's where this entry stops.

Way old entry

I am now done with my exams. Let it be known that at 9:10 am on 6/22/05, Victoria Elizabeth is now 100% done with her freshman year exams. My head hurts, my back hurts, I'm tired and stressed and PMS. I need a bathroom, my mouth is ick b/c of my retainer, but I am done with my exams. Starting tomorrow I can sleep for hours and hours which will alieviate the tired. PMS'll be gone in a few days. Exams over=less stress=less headaches and less lower back tension. I can ask to use the BR in a few (or hold it for an hour) and my retainer is a necessary evil. (It's retainer now or braces for another 18 months.) Oh, y'all... don't use sunless tanner unless you know how... I'm all streaky. Yep, I'm wearing jeans, (my hooker) boots, and a sweater today. Oh, and I may not dump Bryan after all. In theory, I'm going to Starbucks with him to talk after this but it's still a theory since I haven't seen and/or talked to the boy in a week. Smart guy, huh? Asked me out the last day of school, didn't get my number or even my e-mails (!) and expects it to work?! He is completely insane I tell you. And he thinks I'm "really really hot" No I'm not. Pretty? Yes. Beautiful? sometimes. Rly rly hot? No. Brrr... ROchester weather sucks. In my jeans and weater, I'm freezing! It is June, Mother Nature. How 'bout some 80 degree weather? Or at least the 70 degree stuff that Hesko called for! Kay, y'all know those moods when you want to get all dolled up? Mascara, eye liner, lip crap, blush, the whole nine yards? I'm in one of those. My excuse comes tomorrow nicht. Jake's party. Lindz and I are getting all dolled up and I'm dragging Colleen so she can snog Murph. (Jake doesn't know I'm bringing her... I should make sure it's okay...) As Lindsay would say, I have to pie! Like, 20 minutes left til I can leave. Woohoo! Nearly time to go. We can leave at like ten after ten and it's five after ten. Yay! Bye-bye time!

FYI: This entry is OLD.

English focused free write

I was writing in English class for an essay. We had to do three five-minute focused free writes to get started. The topics were your most prized possessions, something you identify with, and words to live by. You then choose one and worked on it. I wound up using words to live by (the main quote I used was by our very own Bernadette). When I was writing about something I identify with, I meant to write about music and how dynamic it can be. That's not what came out. Instead, this is what I wrote...

We all identify with something. That's what humans do. There's a reason or a purpose to it. Sometimes its for a moment and sometimes its for a lifetime. Sometimes you're the only one who gets the connection and sometimes it's obvious. A cutter connects to her blade. She recognizes it and relates to the pain it brings. The pain is welcome, sometimes needed. It mirrors the pain she feels inside. The joys and the sorrows, the stress and the relief. For that is what it is. Her blade is her stress, yet her relief. Her joy and yet, her sorrow. She wonders why she cannot stop, why it is so hard but yet, she wouldn't stop if she could. She is connected to that blade by a sense of helplessness. Without it, she feels helpless, like one lost and lonely soul with no outlet and no control. With it, she is secure and powerful. If someone hurts her, it's less important since she's hurting herself worse. She con vent her frustrations, her anger, her sorrow for all the world to see or maybe just for her on the blank canvas that is her skin.

I don't know why that came out but it didn't. Don't worry, I haven't, aren't, and won't cut myself. I'm not in that place anymore.

::squee::

::squee:: to knowing who I am

::squee:: to getting the perfect answer in biology

::squee:: to getting proper rat poison for the first time all year

::squee:: to finishing my english essay during free

::squee:: to articulating myself wonderfully in that essay

::squee:: to making it to all of my classes on time today

::squee:: to actually being productive in english

::squee:: to finding an interesting quote

::squee:: to mid afternoon showers

::squee:: to not having to worry about if I'm preggers or not

::squee:: to having finished most of my homework during free so I don't have much to do when I finish this entry

::squee:: to Dawn for helping me so much tonight!

::squee:: to decades day

::squee:: to Mom's old clothes for giving me something to wear

::squee:: to homecoming week and spirit days

::squee:: to life in general!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

::squee:: to having hit ctrl+a followed by ctrl+c to copy this when it didn't save rather than losing it all!!!!!!!!

Alternative

One last thing: that assignment I mentioned... my friend suggested a song she introduced me to. It's called Rooftop and I had it in here for a while. Anyhow, below are the lyrics and I added the lyrics to the entry I wrote about the assignment in before for I'm Sensitive. Tell me what you think. I'm Sensitive, Rooftop, or something else all together?

Rooftop by Melissa McClelland Crouched down on a rooftop
In my mother's high-heeled shoes
I'm wondering if I will drop
Fly away with you

I can smell the rain coming
But I won't leave until it falls
I'm gonna soak in its downpour
Til I hear my mother's calls

Cause I am playing God
I am raising hell
As far as I can tell
I am all alone
Alone in this world
Alone, with you

I carry Spring rain in my hair
Weighted sorrow in perfect clouds
Bursting in the air
Wash away and drown

The roof slips beneath my feet
As the branches back away from me
The softest grass turns to concrete
But I will fly
I will fly
You will see

a friday night rambling

It's the end of my first week of school and I'm exhausted. I so want to go to bed. But I have to unpack first and I'd like to write a decent entry first. Tomorrow, I'll be posting things I've written throughout the week. Sunday is 9/11 and I think I'm going to recount how I found out and whatnot. If not, I'll do something (find some lyric or some picture to post) as a remembrance. Just so you know, I typically don't do stuff like that. I mean, I haven't mentioned Hurricane Katrina once and it's not because I don't care because I do. It's because it doesn't seem real. When I read a book, I understand it but, I don't see it in my head. When I do, it's blurry or there are details missing or skewd. When I read or hear about tragedies like Hurricane Katrina, 9/11/01, or the Tsunami, I don't cry about it. I don't feel impacted by it. I don't think of it as real. It's odd. Maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm not compassionate or not supportive or patriotic or whatever you want to say but that's me. I know it must suck to be in New Orleans but I can't imagine the destruction. I can't get upset or stressed about it in any way except that which impacts my life and that's the gas prices. That's impacting me and that I've cried over. Not the gas prices immediately, obviously but the fact that because of them I can't see Mom, Sami, Zuri, or Ray for two months straight and only every other month after that. Maybe it's because I'm young and selfish. Maybe it's because I'm bitter or whatever. Maybe it's a million things but, whatever it is because of it's my reaction. So when I don't write about things like the attack on the London subway system or the hurricane or whathaveyou, it's not because I don't care. It's because it doesn't seem real. And if it did seem real and I cared so much about each tragedy, I don't know how I'd be able to go on with life. It would seem too hopeless and too bleak. Life wouldn't seem worth it and if life seems not worth it, God only knows what I'd do. Because who wants to grow up in a world that seems hopeless? That's why I believe in happy endings. They get me through past the evil witch and the goblins to my happily ever after. So if I do something for 9/11, it's the exception, not the rule. I'm far more likely to respond to something in my own life (like a friend's possible pregnancy [note: if you're smart and you're reading this you will not respond to it in a comment] or my parent's most recent fighting) than I am to respond to something that's going to have an impact on the world as a whole no matter which will impact me more in the long run. I hope I've explained this well enough. If you've got any questions about it, please ask them. I'll do my best to answer. (This is really important that I get you to understand. I don't know why but it is. So please ask if you don't!) For now, I'm gonna go unpack, take a bath (depending on how the tub looks), and then I'm going to bed early tonight! Eye doctor appointment tomorrow. I get new contacts and hopefully new glasses (mine are two years old and not only out of style, not only do I hate them, but they're the wrong prescribtion).

Vickey

I need your help!

I have a school assignment and I need YOUR help. So help me please? If you're a brand new reader (as in you know basically nothing about me) or you only occasionally read and couldn't describe me to someone, please don't offer suggestions. This is for those who know me. I don't want to put a time frame on it but, you know who you are. (Actually, go ahead and suggest something. I'll make the final decision anyhow.) So here's what I have to do... I have to pick a song that describes me and explain why. I was thinking Jewel's I'm Sensitive click here and scroll down and then click "listen" next to "i'm sensitive" to listen but I'd LOVE your input. So please help me? Below is a copy to the lyrics. If you've got a different suggestion, please let me know (leave the artist and the song name in your comment please). Gotta go deal with the latest drama. Which is some of the most serious yet and that's saying something.

Love always,
Vickey

 

Update: Opps! I forgot to post the lyrics! So if you'd still like to read them and you haven't found them on your own, here they are!

I'm Sensitive

I was thinking that I might fly today Just to disprove all the things that you say It doesn't take a talent to be mean You words can crush things that are unseen So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive And I'd like to stay that way You always tell me that it's impossible To be respected, and be a girl Why's it gotta be so complicated Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive And I'd like to stay that way When I was thinking, that it might do some good If we robbed the cynics and took all their food That way what they believe will have taken place And we can give it people who have some faith So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive And I'd like to stay that way I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad Then that's the only idea we'll ever have But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty Someday we will become what we see 'Cause anyone can start a conflict it's harder yet to disregard it I'd rather see the world from another angle We are everyday angels Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

School *sigh*

Let's see. Yesterday, I said I had to do my assignment. I finished that JUST in time last night and handed it in today. All done! Maggie's party was so fun. I couldn't stay longer because of my assignment but, we had TONS of food and we hung out for a while and just hung out. My locker signs aren't done yet but, I figure I can work on them tonight. I'm so tired right now. I would take a nap but, I'd never get to bed at a decent hour. So tonight, I have a little bit of homework to do (mostly sign this, get Dad to sign it, and get these supplies) and locker signs to make. Lindz wants to talk and my bus was late. School was pretty good. I LOVE chorale. I'll write later about that. Oh, and Andrew is a sarcastic S.O.B. (his words). I agree. But it was the ONLY interesting thing about English class. My teacher is such a bore. And Mr. Stewart is so better at teaching math than Mrs. I-don't-know-how-you-spell-it-but-it's-said-Chucky-like-the-murdering-doll-even-though-she-says-like-Chuck-E.-Cheese. Gym was uberlame (we got our lockers). I had global first and it was pretty blah. Only a few minutes long. Not long enough to get a sense of what it'll be like. Then I had math which I already talked about. Oh, and Kyle the blonde was in my class. So I sat right behind him. And then I had health and Mr. Tata (said Todd-a) is really cool. I like him a lot. (Even if class is going to be hell.) I had uhh..... what did I have?.... Chorale. I love the feeling of being just one voice in a huge ensemble. I love the power of the voices around me. It's an amazing feeling. I couldn't stop smiling. I knew a lot of the kids, surprisingly. Then I was off to German which was fun. Andrew is in my class again. After German, I had Living Environment Honors (aka Bio Honors). My teacher in there is kinda cool but kinda weird. I don't know. I'll let you know what I decide about him soon. Oh, I got two heavy ass textbooks today. My global book and my bio book. Ugh! But at least they can stay home. After bio, I got to go to lunch ::squeegasm:: with Jack and Sayiiiiid. We sat with Ricky and his friends. (New Ricky. Kinda weird. Whatever.) And then I had gym and Jack had gym same period different teacher and so did Lindz but they had the same teacher together. It sucked. Then English with Andrew. Sat right next to him which is always fun. Actually, the class sucked and he made me not want to kill myself with a stapler. (English sucks.) We got a bunch of papers and I have a billion things to sort through and a list of my school supplies to make up. I'll be back later. Welcome to school year 05-06.It's gonna be one hell of a doosey.

Vickey

P.S. Y'all check out this entry, please? So that you can see if I've tagged you.

hahaha

Okay, y'all. Today I have a few things I MUST get done before school tomorrow. I must get my homework done, go to Maggie's party, lay out my clothes, make locker signs, and a few other things. But right now, I must eat breakfast and do my homework! I may check back later but, I'm not sure. I've got over half of this homework to do and if I don't finish it, my first day of lunch will be spent like all of last year's lunches: doing my homework! lol
Lots of love,
Vickey

Good times, good times

Firstly, I slept at Kim's on the 30th and had a ball. Sayid and I went over there around 11 and Christian was already there. We talked, played I never, and watched LOST. By 4am, we realized the time and had to go to bed b/c of Kim's 8am chiro appointment. Got up at 8 and went to the apt then to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and then to her mom's school to help out. Sayid and I sorted books. Got some cheap earrings. Then we were dropped off at Dad's house and we cleaned a little and made it to Wegman's to rent videos. We got The Notebook and Ocean's Twelve. Never watched 'em. Around 5, we were still waiting for people to get there for my birthday party. (Yes, my b-day is in February.) Russo, Colleen, Lindz, Maggie, Sayid, and I hung out for a few hours and just talked and laughed and took pictures. We had a fire and burnt a bunch of paper. It was such a blast but I was so tired! When they left, I took a quick bath and went to bed. I can't really remember the time after that but, last night, Jon called and I slept at Lindz's. Tonight, Lindz and I went with Kyle and Ali over to Jenn's house. Jenn never knew I existed before tonight. But she and Lindsay (a different Lindsay) were there and we hung out for a bit and then Jenn called her brother outside so Lindz could say hi. He wound up hanging out outside with us. As is always the case, we wound up in two groups. Lindz, CJ, and I and Ali, Kyle, Jenn, and Lindsay. But it was emmense fun. We talked for a while and there was a bad point or two but, that's not my business to share. (Read: don't feel like talking about the bad points right now so you might get the news later.) Let's see.... CJ is a senior. And he's hot. And he has a cute ass. And yeah.... So it seems that it's never ONE guy I like. Either 50 billion or none. And it sucks but, oh well. :) hehe ^_^ I'm gonna go get my rice bag and heat it up. My back hurts from sitting on the ground like that for so long. G'night and sweet dreams, y'all.

Love always,
Vickey

Lori-I totally don't mind you printing something out from here for Jon to read. If it helped him realize how far he's come and how much he's changed and let me see that he's changed that much too, I don't mind. Just please don't give him the address. I'd have to hide under a rock! lol :) I love you! And y'all HAVE to come to my sweet sixteen party, kay? Details to come...

What am I doing?!

Okay, so here we go again. Jon called. First time I've talked to him, like really talked, since last year. And I invited him to the homecoming game. Not the dance and no friends. But I hope he comes. He says he's changed and Lori says it too and he's not that good of an actor and Lori wouldn't lie for him, ever. So I believe him. Lindz is looking at me in that way though like "mmhmmm you better not let yourself get hurt again". I talked to him for about half an hour. In regards to that, if I don't open up again and risk getting hurt, I'll never find love. I'm not looking for that from him. I'm looking for his friendship again. Hopefully, this time, that's what I'll get and my heart won't get crushed. I told him that he broke my heart and kicked me into a depression. We talked about a bunch of stuff. So basically, I'm in a good mood. But I miss my mommy and my sissy and my kitty and even my stepdaddy. Mom couldn't come this weekend because of gas prices and all and she couldn't come two weeks ago for something and she can't come in two weeks because of Homecoming. A bunch of friends are going shopping in about a week for the dance. I so can't wait. :) I am so happy right now but, I really want to see my mom! And in the car i said to Lindsay that i and in a pissy @$$ depression and only two things could get me out it if, and neither were possible. And look at me now! im in the best mood, and Lindz says she hasn't seen me this happy in a long time!!!! Lindz totally just wrote from "And in the car" to "long time!!!!" So I'm gonna go, like, do my summer work or something. (Yeah, right.) Anyhow, (((hugs))) if you need 'em and even if you don't. And smiles all around. :)

Love always,
Vickey

I Loveth You All
Lindsay :D

P.S. I know this is trivial compared to the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina but, this is my journal and these are my thoughts. So deal or damn.

My news

My cat died. Tiger. Technically he was Joey's but, in death technicalities die too. He was the mellowest cat you'd ever met. When we got him, he had crawled under our porch and had a broken hip. It never fully healed. He was orange and white and a huge ball of fluff with long hair that got over everything. Of course, before my cats moved out, I never noticed the cat hair all over anything I owned. Now, I always do. Tiger would be asleep on the couch and if you wanted to sit down or you wanted to lay with him you just picked him right up and set him back down on you or the couch next to you or where ever and fall right back to sleep. Just like *that*. He purred so easily. When I wanted to get into cat shows, my parents said okay but we don't have a cat for it. "We have Smokey and Tiger." But Smokey was too old and Tiger's broken hip prevented him. So I never got to show my cats off but every one that came over sure saw them. Tig never laid above my head to comfort me like Smokey but, if Smoke was in one of her moods, I could always turn to Tiger, so long as someone else wasn't. In his last months, he withered away. He was skin and bones and his fur was oily and matted down and he didn't look like my Tiger. Cancer will do that to a cat. He was eleven years old. Born in May, around the 22, I think. In fifteen years, I never lost a cat. Now, I've lost two. I refuse to remember him the way he was when he died. I will always remember the cat that I held and petted and that was the mellowest cat I have ever met. Zuri and Orange Kitty are patient but, they are not mellow. Smokey was patient and loving but not mellow. Chyna is not as patient and definitly not mellow. Not last time I was out there and saw him but the time before, I told him not to hang on for me. I told him that if he felt ready to go, go. I would understand. I'd miss him and I'd probably cry but, I would know he was in a better place. He was without pain and suffering. He was happy. Waiting at Rainbow Bridge. With Smokey and Tiger. And I was crying by the time I finished and I pet him a little bit and laid my head down below his body so I wouldn't hurt him and the next time I saw him, I barely touched him. I brushed my fingers against his head. Looking at the ghost of a cat I once knew hurt. Seeing him that skinny and that frail and that much in pain hurt. I can't see someone I love suffering that much without feeling a piece of me suffer just as much. So in their last days, I avoided Smokey and Iavoided Tiger and I'll always regret that just as I regret not petting Dutchess but these are the things I must live with and these are the choices I have made. Rest in peace, Tiggy. I miss you and I love you and I'll see you at Rainbow Bridge.

Your questions answered

I promised I'd answer three questions from anyone no matter what. The offer still stands...

From Danielle at Everybody Knows (private journal)

1. What do you dream of most often?

Do you mean daydream or when I'm laying in bed asleep dreaming? If daydreaming, the future. I dream of tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, twenty years from now. I dream of everything but the moment I'm in right now and the past, pretty much. I dream of the love I want, I dream of a boyfriend, I dream about my first kiss, my eventual life (husband, kids, job, etc.). Everything from plans for tomorrow to life. If laying in bed asleep dreaming, random things that typically have no significance.

2. What is your favorite midnight snack?

Depends on what's in the fridge/freezer/cupboards but, I love raw hot dogs and home baked chocolate chip cookies. (Not on the same night)

3. If you could be well-paid, well-respected, and great at anything, what would you want to be?

I'd want to be a mother and a wife and a lover and a great woman and I'd like to have some sort of a job. I'm not sure what. Maybe high school math teacher? Like ninth grade (algebra type stuff). Or a novelist or poet. I'm not quite sure.

From Brandi at Something New

1. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?

Samantha, without a doubt. I love that little girl SO much. I don't know what I'd do without her. When I get to that breaking point where I want to just die and I'm thisclose to doing something about it, she's the one that saves me. If I'm down there and I get that way (rare occurance), I just play with her and hug her and whatnot and get happy again. If I'm not, I think about her. I want to play an influential role in her life. I want to be her cool big sister and if I off myself, I could never be that. She's never know me, never understand.

2. Do you have a photograph of your favorite shoes? (if so post a pic! lol)

Probably. Let me go look. I guess I deleted it or I can't find it. But I have a few favorite pairs of shoes. I'd take a pic but it takes me forever to upload them. I have black flip-flops with white playboy bunnies on them that I love, strappy heels, my "hooker boots", and my sneakers.

3. If you were a color, what color would you be?

hehe Cute question! I choose pink. It can blend in or stand out. It can be mature or youthful. It can be comforting or off-putting. It can be so many things so varied just like me.

So, what's YOUR question?