Bonjour!

I'm back. I have homework to do and bags to unpack. It's gonna take me til forever to get caught up with everything and I'm already feeling so overwhelmed. I am so tempted to just forget the homework and go upstairs and go to bed but I know I can't. I can't afford not to turn in my bio paper or to make both my grade and Misako's suffer if I don't work on my English project. Not to mention the humiliation of sucking in front of the entire class. I have to do this but I really don't wanna. I think I'll call up Lindz for a few and get back in touch with life in good old Ra-cha-cha before I start doing my hw. Hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving and that you didn't try to brave the malls on Black Friday (and if you did, then I hope you're still alive and whole!). Happy Holidays to you all.

Love always,
Vickey

Adieu my dears.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for my mother's house. I shall write while I am there and if I have the chance, I shall update you all. If I do not have a chance, I shall return on Sunday. Please forgive me as I attempt to catch up with your journals over the next fortnight or more. I must go. A thousand times good-bye. Anon, my dears, anon.

And yes, if you must ask, I am watching Shakespeare in Love. And I am feeling very inspired. It is now time for me to bid you adieu.

Happy Thanksgiving. Keep warm.
Love always,
Vickey

Celebration :)

Woo-freaking-hoo! And no that is not sarcastic. Gotta make this quick 'cuz I've got two essays to write due in the next two days. Now y'all've heard me say how behind I am in reading journals, right? I've got less than 100 left! LESS THAN 100! It's in the DOUBLE digits NOT the triple digits! ::happy dance:: I'm so happy about that. Plus I fixed my LJ yesterday all by myself *and* I get to see Murph tomorrow! :-) And ummm..... I'll tell you how it goes. (Not saying anything b/c idk if anything'll happen except hanging out... don't worry, I won't get drunk, high, pregnant, or STD-infected) I am very very happy. I've gotta go run and write those papers and hop a shower. And throw in a load of wash. *sigh* Oh well. Easy enough if I can master these damn papers. Ugh, and I really wanna tell y'all about these things I'm making for my friends at school but I'm going to send some to some of my JLand friends as well (fyi: even if you left JLand, if that's how I met you, that's how you'll probably be referenced). But they should be really cool and fun to make. I just don't know if I'm doing that for my few guy friends as well or not. (Some of them wouldn't really appreciate it but, some of them might. Yes I'm being vague. Ooo! I know an alternative. But idk...) Anyhow, my brother's pissing me off once again by being a flipping moron and those papers won't write themselves. I'll see ya around tomorrow. But *only* if my homework is done and I'm not busy hanging w/Mag, Lindz, and Murph.

Love ya,
Vickey

Weekend Assignment

As I go through my e-mails and read alerts, I'm uncovering more and more friends who are leaving or have left AOL. I agree that the ads are wrong and that AOL needs to get a clue but, I can't leave. We're far flung right now and as I discover that journalers are leaving, I go to my alerts page and do what I hate to... I delete the alert. If they're only on boycott, I don't mess with it but, if they've moved, I am deleting alerts. Which is the suckiest thing in the world. As I watch my alerts list shrink and the number of blogs in my bookmarks (only non-AOL journals) grow, I get sadder and sadder. I will probably wind up leaving this community eventually. I will blog elsewhere but I would really rather not. I write differently every window I open. In LJ I write one way, in Xanga another, in MySpace a completely different way. Then I have another journal which only one person has my address to and it is completely uncensored. (No you cannot have the link.) I temporarily turned alerts off to By the Way... simply because of the sheer volume of alerts I have to catch up on. It looks like I can turn it back on though to make up for the number of journals I'm losing. For those of you who are leaving, I will follow you to your new journals as I have said. For those who are staying, this place doesn't feel the same, does it? As for this moment, I'm going to do what I do every week I can. I'm going to write my weekend assignment. I have not posted that here in months but I want to put it here today. So bear with me as I post things places I normally would not.

Weekend Assignment #86: Who are you thankful for -- who you won't be able to spend this Thanksgiving with? This is a chance to tell us about the people you care about who will be far away from you this holiday, or who have passed on but remain in your heart.

Extra Credit: Pumpkin pie vs. pecan pie -- which do you choose for Thanksgiving dessert?

Firstly, I'll be spending Thanksgiving at my mum's house with my stepdaddy, my sister, my grandpa, Shelia, Beth, my brother, and possibly some other people. Those are the people I will see this Thanksgiving. But I won't get to see my big "sister", Julia. I won't get to see my friends from school, my friends from JLand, or my friends I know here outside of school. There are a lot of people I won't see and I am grateful for (almost) all of them. I'll miss my friends that day. My friends help me through a lot of stuff (and vice versa). I spend most of my waking hours with them or talking to them. Without my darling friends, life would be far less entertaining and far less worth living.

I love you all and I miss you.

(Extra credit: Pumpkin pie, thank you very much.)

Long time no survey (here)

I normally do these in my Wastin My Time J but I wanted to do one in here today...

Spell your name backwards: Htebazile Airotciv (that looks cool)

have you ever had a song written about you: Not that I know of

what song makes you cry: Depends on where I am mentally and emotionally

what song makes you happy:  Umm.... *thinks* idk?

what's your all time fav. song?: You are my sunshine. My mommy sings it to me sometimes. She used to do it more when I was little.

what do you listen to before you go to sleep: the local country station

height: 5' 2"

hair color: Brown with red and blonde highlights (natural) and leftover red tint

piercings: one per ear (each done 3 times)

tattoos: can't wait to get one :)

what color pants are you wearing: ha Lindz's pj pants. They're black w/white writing all over that says "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME." by David and Goliath

what song are you listening to: I'm not right now

what taste is in your mouth?: *tries to figure it out* Sprite

whats the weather like?: Kinda chilly but sunny :)

how are you?: tired, a wee bit sad, mostly happy

get motion sickness?: sometimes

have a bad habit?: Me? Bad habits? Never! I swear, I use my cell during school, I drink out of the carton, I eat too many sweets, and I'm a bitch sometimes.

get along with your parents?:  Mostly

boyfriend/girlfriend: Single... and okay with it for the moment

have a current crush: Ummm.... there are six guys I'm counting right now. Wanna know who? Fine... Cute guy in English class (JJ), my ex (Bryan), the guy from youth group (Tom), an old friend that I'll probably always be like this with, Lindz's ex (Josh), and another friend who is off at college at the moment. If their names aren't listed, don't ask.

have a big regret: I hate regretting. What's happened in the past is in the past and it made me who I am today. But I truly regret refusing to acknowledge the fact that even if I didn't say good-bye, my dad was still going to take Duchess to the vet and put her down. That is my biggest regret right now. I just want to go back in time and hug her and kiss her and love her and say good-bye. I want to love my dog once more before she had to be put down.

Annoyance: Currently the tears rolling down my face over a dog who has been dead for almost 8 years.

Favorite Group: Assuming you mean musically..... A Step Left, The Click 5, Five Star Riot, and Rascall Flatts are all up there.

Current Desktop picture: Same as ever. Gold flower

tv show: Dawson's Creek, Related, Law and Order:SVU, Sex and the City

conditioner: Thermasilk

book: The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

non alcohol drink: Cherry Coke i think

alcohol drink: never had an alcohol I like (this is the story we go with...)

things to do on the weekend: This weekend I've actually got plans. Last night was the faculty hockey game between my town and another town. Tonight is my school's fall play in which darling Ricky will be preforming. Tomorrow I'm going to Mass at a Catholic Church and then to see my great-grandma and Ali in the hospital (great-grandma got a pacemaker and Ali had a CF attack).

Thank you, Dawn!

*sigh*

So I was searching for something and I came across this journal entry in a blog I used to read but for some reason stopped. Not sure why. But anyhow, this entry is amazingly written and so much of it seems to me that it applies to myself. If you've got a couple minutes, please read it. It's an "Ode to the Nice Girls" and it is long but it's good.

So many people went private in the past days. It really saddens me. It feels JLand is being pulled apart and that *really* depresses me. I'm gonna go try to cheer myself up. Later, babe.

Decision

Okay, I've decided what I'm doing. I hate the banner but I would hate relocating more. I'm staying. If you choose to leave and start a new journal, I'll follow you but I won't start a journal there. If you choose to leave and discontinue journalling, I'll miss you. I wish AOL would remove the banners but if they don't, I am putting a disclaimer in my journal description that says that I do not support the presence of the ads or what they are advertising. That's my decision. I hope this doesn't destroy JLand. I love the sense of community I've found here and the friends I've made. But if it does, I will truly miss it. Y'all keep in mind that if JLand is destroyed we are the only ones who lose. AOL will not care even if we all discontinue using their services at all. Time for math homework. Oh, and that other journal I just linked to, I'm deleting it as soon as I post this entry.
Vickey

Controversy

Anyone who moves to another server please leave me your address. I'll let you know soon what I'm doing so please check back here. I'm thinking about using that back-up xanga as my normal journal but, I'm not sure so I won't say it definitly. I will, however, be working more diligently on saving my entries there. I would hate to loose the sense of community here, even if we all choose different servers. Please don't lose that community. We are not bonded by our server but by our relationships. Please leave your new URLs in the comments section or e-mail me. I don't want to lose you as friends.

Vickey

Okay, I have a new journal. It's an AIM blog and I don't know if I'm going to keep it but for the moment, here's the link. It's under a different screen name, so you know. I will be keeping this blog until otherwise noted but will/may write in that one until I figure out how mad I am about the banners.

Ahhhh!

Okay, just to let you all know quickly what's going on...

tomorrow will be spent with the following tasks
-catching up on alerts
-doing the biomes project that's due today
-typing up entries
-youth group if I have time

thursday I have a debate and Friday I have a major english paper due. along with about 50 little things that all added up cause one hell of a lot of stress.

My great-grandma is in the hospital on comfort care. She's not going to make it to New Year's. My other great-grandma just went to the hospital tonight with chest pains. She's one of the few older people I actually know and care about in my family. The others I just don't know well enough to care much. But I couldn't deal with it if something happened to her. I'll keep y'all updated as to what's happening. Love ya! Oh, and my school is like the book 1984. It's rediculous. I'm not even kidding you. But I gotta go. Have to shower and get to bed by ten.

Vickey

I can't do this...

I'm mad. I'm so mad today. Lately actually. I get pissed off by the slightest things. Mostly at a friend that really needs me. I know she needs me but I'm dealing with my own shit and I don't feel I can deal with hers too. It's so tough lately to just be who I am. To offer advice and a shoulder to cry on. I feel like that's all I am to some people. I'm sick of it and I can't deal with it. All she did was say one simple thing that in a different mood I could have taken differently but in my anger at everything, I snapped. I put up an away so I wouldn't yell at her saying "not doin this". And that's just it. I'm not doing it.

My life is in shambles right now. At least it feels like it. I've got so much to deal with right now and it's tough to deal with my own shit let alone hers. And her shit is BIG today. It's huge. (Basically, that friend I've mentioned a few times? The one who got pregnant? She lost the baby.) I can't deal with this. I've become a mother to everyone I know. And I don't mind this when mothering is balanced with hanging. But it's not. With this friend (I'll call her Betty b/c I'm sick of writing friend and b/c that's what I called her in my private J), it's all mothering and supporting and helping her through. Guess what? I can't do it anymore.

She's the one who was irresponsible enough to have sex without a condom or any form of birth control, why should I have to help her through this? Why is it *my* responsibility? We never hang out anymore. We never just act our age anymore. We're 15. Hell, she's younger than I am. We're supposed to be immature and irresponsible at least some of the time but I haven't talked to Betty in a long time when there wasn't an undercurrent of seriousness. Yes, I LOVE serious discussions. I love debates and arguments about frivilous things. But what happened to just laughing our heads off at nothing? To just sitting around drinking coke and eating pizza without a care in the world? Or where our most serious discussions were on whether or not so-and-so likes us or not and the occasional "I'm so gonna flunk English" comment quickly followed up with easy reassurance and general comments that could apply to anyone and any subject.

Last winter, Betty and I were out front at her house. We had a snowball fight. In just jeans and sweatshirts. We were freezing. But we laughed the day away. And when we got inside (freezing and a risk for hypothermia), we got changed and warmed our butts up. But we were just being kids. Just having fun. Just being immature and getting soaked to the bone without realizing until after the fact that we probably could have gotten ourselves put into Strong Hospital with hypothermia. The point is we were just acting like kids. Just being ourselves. We haven't done that in a long long time. In at least two months. I've done it with other people (like that leaf fight I had with Ron or playing tag on the beach at Jack's birthday party) but I haven't done it with her. And that is the difference. No relationship can sustain constant seriousness or constant mothering. That is what our friendship is trying to deal with right now.

I don't know if we'll survive. I truly hope so because she is a very very close friend. But between dealing with all the death of the recent past and falling behind in school and my family and *everything* that I am, I cannot handle helping her through her miscarriage as well. I just can't handle that too. I've got an away message up right now on AIM. This is most of what it says, "i'm sick of dealing with everyone else's problems when i can't even deal with mine. so until i can, i'm not dealing with your isht. find somebody else. i'm sorry but this is the way it has to be for a while. til my life gets back on track, i can't help you."

So Betty, if you're reading this, I don't mean to snap or go away randomly. When I go away randomly, that's me trying not to unleash all the termoil within *me* on you. Kinda like you did the other night. I'm just trying not to take everything out on you. I take it out on my journals instead. Now, if you want me to snap at you, let me know and I will not hesistate to scream my flipping head off at you. No problems with that. But I have the feeling that such an action would only add to your problems and I don't want to do that. I may not be able to help you right now but, I sure can refrain from consciously adding to your shit.

Until my life is more on track than it is right now and until my emotions are in check, I cannot help you, Betty. That's just the way it's gotta be for right now. Talk to somebody else because I can't deal with it right now. Maybe that's selfish of me and maybe that's mean or cruel or whathaveyou but, I cannot help you. I cannot help anyone until I help myself. For this I am sorry because my role is advice giver and comforter and "mother" mostly. I cannot fill my role for you right now. I cannot deal with a problem so big when my own problems are currently rising up to choke me. My head is barely above water and if I try to take on your problems, I'll drown. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Get a shrink, talk to your guidance counselor, talk to one of your other friends. I'll let you know when I can deal again. For now, I'm sorry but I can't. I just can't do this anymore. I can't help everyone else at the sacrifice of myself. Just like that night I stayed up til 2am and helped keep one of our friends from killing herself and suffered for it the next day, I cannot help you and suffer for it. You need help. You need *professional* help. I am not a professional. I'm just a fifteen year old girl with insecurities and doubts and worries and problems of her own who cannot add yours to an already staggering load.

This is not to say that I don't want to be your friend. I do. I'm not throwing away our friendship because I am overwhelmed. I just can't deal with the seriousness as much as you expect me to. I can't save you from this fate any more than you can. Talk to God. Go back to church. Talk to a shrink. But I am not your counselor. I am your friend and as such I reserve the right to have my own life and not be suffocated by the problems of others including yourself. If you can deal with that, let me know. If not, I don't know. I hate to lay down an ultimatium and I'm not but, I can't deal with your shit on top of my own. I'm sorry.

Thank you all for listening and for being there. I'm sorry I haven't written much lately. I've got about a billion entries I owe you all and I promise to get to them soon. I'm also trying to catch up with entries. I've got something like 138 of them to read. Plus FLYlady stuff and Holiday Cruise isht. That's it for right now. I love you all.

Vickey

Well...

This might seem inappropriate to many of you in light of what I wrote about minutes ago in my post but, I'm trying to keep my mind off that. So, here is some randomness (as Dawn called it).

post five weird and random facts about yourself, then at the end, list the names of five people who are next in line to do this.

1. I have a fascination with the human body, particularly the female body (yes, I am straight). It's mostly an artistic thing.

2. I feel most secure around mass amounts of water (think ocean, lake, streams, etc.) or when I'm being creative (taking pictures, drawing, writing, etc.).

3. I have 5 rubber bracelets (like the livestrong ones). Brain cancer, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, "make a difference", and the one I got at the Harry Potter book midnight release. But the two I really want are CF and uterine cancer. Oh, and heart disease (if they have one). (Ali, Mom, and most of my family.)

4. I sing. Constantly. You know I'm in a great mood if I'm singing all the time and if I'm laughing. Oh, and flirting. And when I flirt, it's typically not with just one person. It'll be with like 5 at once. Like today it was Josh and Bryan at the same time. Not one or the other.

5. I'm nearly 16, I can get my permit in less than five months, and once Dad can find my birth certificate and my social security card, I can get a work permit and thus, can get a job.

Five people I'd like to do this:
Promise (assumed you'd want this J, if not, sry), Bernadette, Brandi, Sara, and Mary

In memoriam...

My uncle Randy died a few minutes ago. He had no brain activity and his wife (my aunt Karen) and his mom (my great-gramma) decided a life without living wasn't worth it. That's three deaths in my family this year. My two cats and my uncle. But he's the fourth death that's impacted me (my cats and Charlie). My prayers were answered. He's not suffering anymore, he's not in pain, he's happy.

May you rest in peace, Uncle Randy.

Fight

I got in a fight today. It lasted about five minutes before I continued home. The guy I was fighting with got me worse than I got him. I love Autumn. Leaf fights are so great. (Yes, I was in a leaf fight. Not a fist fight.) Ron and I got into it on the way home. Whatshisface was in it for about 2 seconds but he got tired of watching Ron and I throw leaves at each other and went home. We threw handfuls of leaves at each other and I tried to hang upside down from the tree but, I couldn't get a good grip on the tree. How do I adequately capture the exhiliration of a leaf fight in words? It was so great. Leaf fights are amazing.

I'm going to youth group tonight for the first time in months.

And one more thing, could you please pray for my uncle Randy? He had a heart attack and he's in a coma. He's got minimal brain activity and that which he does have is only for involuntary actions. Thank you.