See ya!

Hey, guys. Sorry I haven't been around much. I'm off to the Joshua Revolution in about ten minutes so I don't have much time. The next chance I'll have to update is Friday (the 30th) but I don't know if I will be. I've got a couple hours between JR and going to my auntie's (where I'll be until the new year). Gotta go finish packing and eat something. Hope your Christmas was great, your Kwanzaa or Hanukah is going good, and that your new year is fantabulous.

Happy New Year!

Plans

I'm about to start baking Christmas Cookies and I just wanted to pop on for a minute. I don't have much free time to be home and/or on the computer til the New Year and I wanted to let y'all know that. I'm going to church tomorrow morning then to my mom's. I'll try to pop on between then but, if not, I'm sorry. I'll be there til Thursday. Friday, I have school (one day this week. woohoo) and then Saturday is Christmas Eve. Sunday is Christmas (and I'm going to church that morning). Tuesday I leave for the Joshua Revolution (remember that thing I swore I'd go to this year come hell or high water? I'm going) and I won't get back until *counts on fingers* Friday when I'm *supposedly* going to Mom's. Then I'm supposed to come back the first or second then off to school the third. If not Mom's, I'll be at Gramma's for the new year unless I find a friend's house to crash at. :( I'll find some place, I'm sure. NOT ringing in the new year quietly again. It aggravates the hell out of me. For now, I'm off to bake cookies.

Oh, I use an apron when I bake (either a full body one or one that's just waist down) and one of the reasons I know I'm the "lady of the house" and that I'm grown up is my apron choice/use. I used to use this itty bitty one that's like 1ft by 1/2 a foot big (and fugly) but then I got a bigger (still fugly) one. Now, I use Mom's old one. It's the biggest apron (well waist down apron) and the prettiest and the one Mom ALWAYS used. I can tell I'm growing up because I feel natural in it, not like I'm playing at being grown up. Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

Vickey

Update: Oh lord guys! I just realized. I'm gonna get SO far behind on f-ing alerts. I've already got like 18 pages of alerts I'm behind on. That's 20 alerts per page. Damn. Plus five more days then a couple days to catch up then away for four more days! Dammit! I promise SOMEDAY I'll catch up. Someday before I fly away...


Update AGAIN: I turned off all alerts. I'll catch up later. I just can't handle the stress out over the amount in the folder. I'll catch up a different way. I will catch up. Happy Holidays to all!

Three.

My great-grandmother died around 7pm tonight. Knew it was coming but still dealing with it. My mom's a wreck and will be for a while. She's probably going to pick Joey and I up Sunday night and drop us off Wednesday. The funeral is probably Tuesday. I'm going to miss my first concert with Chorale. (That's the fact I'm fixating on at the moment.) I wasn't very close to her but, she was still my great-grandmother.

Rest in peace, Grandma.

 

(In case you're keeping track, this is the third. Charlie, Uncle Randy, Great-grandma. There are still two thirds up in the air. Cats and miscarriages. Let's hope the rule of threes isn't true.)

life

I haven't written much anywhere except my livejournal lately. I'm depressed again. Same as I was this time last year. My gramma thinks it might be a seasonal thing. My dad's depressed too and we're both at each others throats constantly. It's not fun and it doesn't feel like Christmas around here at all. I really want it to and I'm going to help foster that spirit as much as possible but, it just doesn't seem to be happening. Tomorrow I'll be doing Christmas cards. *pause to restrain myself from SI* Oh and making cookie dough. I'm so behind this year. I hate depressions. They're a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. This is my third significant one. Sixth grade, ninth grade, and tenth grade. ::sigh:: When I can get out of this depression for a bit and want to write, I promise I'll let you all know what's going on with me. I've got a ton of entries to type up and I'll have those done by year's end. I'm starting the new year fresh. No homework, no quizzes or tests to make up, no entries to type up, no SI. I'm looking toward the new year for my salvation. For school, blogging, life. I'm pinning a lot on 2006. It'll never live up to what I expect. It's my 16th year, it should be amazing, but I'm probably going to start it still in this depression. I don't want this to become a yearly tradition but, I fear it may be. :( I have homework to do and peace to find. I'll be okay and I hope you are too. I'm so behind on alerts, I may just give up and start where y'all are. Anyone that moved, I've kept up. Anyone that stayed, I'm sorry but I haven't. Year's end will bring a complete overhaul of alerts. I've got to redo my "Other Journals" section too. (That's gonna hurt.)

Later.

Early morning thoughts

I had a dream last night. I was in this cafeteria type thing w/a bunch of people around me at picnic tables. It was dark-ish and I was sitting next to this guy, talking. Lindz was talking to some other guy a few feet away. So we're talking and then I leaned over and just kissed him. And had no clue what I was doing (and neither did he) so it was more like how you kiss your grandma. Plus, I'd only met this guy a couple hours (if that) ago. Not exactly the best first kiss. lol So the lights come on and I realize he doesn't look like what I thought he looked like. I mean, he's still kinda cute but I thought he'd looked like one thing and it turns out he's completely different. It was unnerving to say the least. So Lindz and I hightail it outta there to this store. And it's a HUGE store. We were looking at these fishtanks and I'm saying stuff like "Oh, my gramma had one like that and it's big. It had one goldfish in it and it was so *pause* cool. So we're walking along and all of a sudden Josh comes up behind me and sweeps me off my feet and he's carrying me someplace. And we walk around for a bit (this is where I start to loose track of some of the dream). Somehow, I wind up in a car w/my idiot (not even 12 year old) brother driving, and Josh and I are in the back together. Lindz's mom is driving this car up ahead of us and Lindz is standing behind us. (Lindz is supposed to be where Josh is but for some reason she isn't and he is.) We're driving for a bit and I've got my face resting on Josh's chest and I see Lindz walking behind the truck. She's just walking normally and I guess either we're going really slow or she's going really fast or something but, hell if I know (one of my favorite phrases right now). She motions to me to kiss him. I kiss his cheeks, then his nose, then I actually kiss him and it's a better kiss than the one before but, not the greatest because I still have no idea what I'm doing. After a minute or so, I see Lindz making slashes across her throat with her hand (the "stop" signal thing). I flip her off w/o looking at her and so does Josh even though he didn't know she was there. I said something to him along the lines of "Did I do it wrong? Because I'm sorry if I did. I've never really done this before." Then I laid my head back down and we drove for another minute or two. Lindz's mom realized that Josh was in the car instead of Lindz and she turned her car around and my moron brother is supposed to turn the one we're in around. Somehow at this point, my brother and Josh disappears or jumps out of the car or something and Lindz is driving with me in the front seat. We're in my old town and we're supposed to be in the one from the first part of my dream (which is no place I've ever been that I remember). I keep telling her to turn her, turn around, but she doesn't. We keep driving and hit Oak or Pine Cones or Garden or something like that. It's like an apartment complex but it doesn't exist in real life. The car disappears and we're on bikes, going down this dirt road. We go a long way and finally see this barn. We keep going and are just hanging out a bit when this little blonde haired blue eyed girl on a red bike comes up with a switch of wheat. She's trying to hit us and I ask if I can explain why we're there. I start to and her dad (the farmer) comes on this loudspeaker and lights flash and he says "Would the two fertile young female customers come to the [insert some word I can't remember] please?" Lindz and I went and I tried to explain it to him but we just found up in an argument. I don't remember the rest of the dream but I know that I lied to him about how we got there.

What do I think this dream means? The first part is reflecting this thing going on with the guys on my bus. Chris and Ron call me the "uber-virgin" and until I get my first kiss, I'm the uber-virgin. When I get my first kiss, I'm just a virgin. If I don't get it before my sweet sixteen (less than 3 months from now), Ron says I'm the perpetual uber-virgin. The last part is the new part. So I've been thinking about just kissing some random stranger. Obviously that's reflecting those thoughts. I apparently fear that he won't be what I expect him to be. I have no clue what that huge store means but, I do know that another of my thoughts has been to kiss Josh. But that would unleash one hell of a lot of drama that I don't wanna deal with. That is shown by Lindz's "stop" motions. My anger at her control over me at times is shown by me flipping her off. That's all I've got for anaylsis of my dream today. All I know is that I feel empty and hurt right now and I think it's partially left over from the dream but partially just how I've been feeling lately.


I'm not a girl for change. I hate it. I change my hair color and my clothes and I change the brand of shampoo I use. I change little things but I change those. I am in control of those changes. Not somebody else. So when the ads came up on journals and people started fleeing, I hated it. Still do but, I'm getting more used to it. The FLYlady reminders have taken on a different format and I don't like that. I'm not sure why that matters but it does. {Just got an explaination for this change. Yahoo is doing something but hell if I know what.} My parents divorce is one change I still can't get over. I'm still reeling from it and I don't know if I'll stop. I mean, in one swift move the foundation of my life was cracked away. I grew up with two parents that loved me and cared for me and while they fought with each other, I always got along great with them and they typically kept it to the evening. It would be around the time I got ready for bed that they'd fight if they fought at all. There were whole weeks they didn't fight. Or maybe that's just the memory of a little girl who wants to believe that. But they never fought in front of my friends until we moved. Then Lindz was subjected to it. I think that's part of why we're so close. Because their divorce and our move here are two of the big moments in my life. They were deal, hide, or die moments and I'm not quite sure at this point what I picked. I'm starting to think I choose to hide though for so long I thought I'd dealt with it. Lindz saw me change, let me change.


Oh my flipping God. This quote discribes my relationship with my father SO flipping well. It's from My So-Called Life (which btw: aired when I was four and my mother was like 21 and she watched it. It's about teenagers in high school and their drama. Yeah, my mom was deprived of a normal age 0 to like 25 if not more.)

Angela: My dad and I used to be pretty tight. The sad truth is, my breasts have come between us.

I was Daddy's little girl when I was younger but I started growing up and my hormones made me lash out and that put the chisel to the stone and then I started developing and now that chisel is chipping away daily. With each little change that happens to me, it gets wedged in deeper and deeper. My dad's afraid he'll become like his father. His father sexually molested three of his four daughters. I don't make things much easier either. I'm nearly 16 and when I get dressed it's to show off the fact that I've got a figure and that I'm a young woman, would you take notice please? I'm not that dork with the huge overbite and the glasses. I'm the young woman with the contacts andthe retainer you never see because I only wear it at night. I'm so much more than that inside but that is the first impression. So in order to show this, I wear tight jeans and low-cut shirts and this has caused a division between my father and I.



So here's that quote I was looking for originally.

Angela: There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.

That's all I have to say for right now. I've spent an hour awake and that entire time was spent writing this. I have to go get ready now. Lindz and I are going to the carosel (sp?) mall in Syracuse today. And tomorrow's our five-year anniversary. Of the day we met and started to hate each other. We don't know the day we started to hang out together or like each other. But we've known each other for five years tomorrow. Have a good weekend everybody.

Love always,
Vickey