Oppsies!

Well, I still have a pre-written entry to type up but, this one is already "late". Yup, it's the Saturday Six on Tuesday. Here ya go.....

1. How long do your Thanksgiving leftovers usually last, and at what's the first non-Thanksgiving item you begin to crave when you tire of turkey?

about a week or two and probably something chocolate (In case you're new here, I love chocolate!)

2. Of the following, which would you most prefer to be located:
a) Interstate highway traffic jam
b) Slow-moving checkout line
c) Dentist's chair

a) traffic jam

3. What is at the top of your personal Christmas gift wish list this year?

a whole bunch of CD's (including the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge!) and some FLYlady stuff (like a timer)

4. What improvement would you most like to see added to AOL's Journal software?

More emotions!

5. What seasonal movies do you most look forward to this time of year?

Most? Umm.... A Muppet Christmas Carol & a whole ton of taped Christmas specials. I'm actually in the Christmas spirit this year, too!

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #33 from Tara:  What is your favorite classic 80's video game?

80's? You forget that I was born in 1990! I loved Vectrex though. Can't remember any actual games except the one that came preprogrammed in it.

Thanks for wasting your time here.

Love always,
Vickey

Yesterday-beginning period 2 ending period nine

Feeling: like you should read on to find out (since I list it in the next sentence)

I feel like having a breakdown. (See? I told ya.) A complete mental, physical, and emotional breakdown. I feel like I'm about to sleep. To pick up my books and hurl them at the wall. To scream and yell and go insane. I feel like breaking down. Like laying down on my bed with fuzz over my legs and my head on my pillow and crying. Gut-wrenching, heart tearing, tear drenched sobs for hours and f***ing ours until I fall asleep, exhausted. I feel like slitting my wrists. I feel hopeless, f***ing hopeless. Life does not seem worth it. Don't misinterpret this. You don't need to call the hospital and get me on suicide watch but I feel awful. I feel awful. Just when I was thinking that I'm okay, that I don't need meds or therapy, I decide that the bottle of pills looks appealing. I just want to escape. I know suicide is only a permanent answer to a temporary problem but I don't have a flying f*** of a clue as to how to deal with this. Lemme guess, I have to open up to him, to talk. Well, I don't want to. The times I have he didn't listen. I tried. I'm not dealing with it anymore. I deserve to be happy. I can't be happy at my Dad's. It's not possible at this point in my life. I don't expect moving in with Mom to magically fix everything. I still need help but at the moment the symptom is easier to treat than the problem. Well, one of the symptoms. When I'm at my mom's, I don't think about him. I play with my sister and talk with my mom and deal with my stepdad (who seems slightly uncomfortable around me). I don't want the symptoms to completely disappear because then I may think the problem is gone but its there. Laying in wait to get me when I least expect it. I want to treat it and deal with it and know how to cope with life without the marker or the razor being used or wanted except to creat a work of art or to shave my legs. I just want to be healthy. To be alright. I want to get past this and survive. My "survivor marks" are inside for now. I want them to stay that way. Not that I want to internalize my pain. I just dont want the temptation to increase so much that I give in. I need to find a better, faster, safer, easier, way to calm down. I just wish that my abliities would let me see that in my future I am safe and happy and over it. But my ability hasn't let me know my future yet so why should it start now? It lets me be scared and be knowlegeable but it hasn't reassured me yet.

Remember the dream world(s) you created when you were young? Or the ones you create now (aka fantasies)? I want to go live in one. A happy one. WIth unicorns, please. Luster. Without the evil creatures, thank you very much. I think I"m going to wind up with a much lower average from all the daydreaming. Did I mention that? My average was 94.13%. High honor roll. A+ to A- range. INcluding gym. That's it. Time to daydream about something. Which fantasy shall I use? French, Italian, Spanish, English, Southern, cowboy, or pirate? Or something else? Hmmmm.... off to ponder. (BTW: I feel much better. Breakdown on hold, mental razor away, real one was never out, and mental pills back in the cabinet, real ones were always in there.)

Love always,
Vickey

Motto

I have a new motto. Here's how I described it to Lindz yesterday: HopelessBlondie: i love myself right now
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: why?
HopelessBlondie: idk but i'm sitting here w/my mom's robe on, headphones on, eating nachos & bloggin (& talkin 2 ppl of course)
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: lol sweet
HopelessBlondie: absolutely. i so love myself. oh, did i tell you my new motto?
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: what is it?
HopelessBlondie: do unto yourself as you would do unto that little girl. (the picture...)
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: hehe
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: yeah
HopelessBlondie: because i wouldnt want anything bad for her. i look at that pic & yea, i know it's me but i also know it's not. it's not me, it's this precious little angel w/o a worry in the world. she only cares that her parents tuck her in at night. i want the world for her. i want happiness for her. i wouldn't ever hurt her in any way nor would i let anyone else hurt her. so this motto works perfectly for me
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555: yeah it really does
HopelessBlondie: brb. need water (v. salty chips)
HopelessBlondie is away at 3:51:56 PM.

The picture I mentioned is of me playing at a table with a teaset. My mom is behind me, looking to the side and smiling at someone that isn't in the picture. My dad is sitting on the couch, behind my mom, leaning over toward her, looking down. I've got a huge decision to make right now (that I'll get into later) and I keep asking, "What do I want for that baby girl?" And I keep saying, "Happiness." I want her to be happy and for her to be happy, I have to be happy. So, I want happiness for myself. Great. Now, how do I get that? *sigh* That's for another entry.

Love always,
Vickey

just a quick note

This is just a quite dash off before I head off to homework/bed/bath. Two entries tomorrow that weren't typed up today (but already written-ish). Today was good but uneventful. Au reviour to all.

Love always,
Vickey

Brother for sale

Feeling: my teeth be moved by my retainer [speaking of which....]

Brother for sale. I'll pay you $1000 to take him. Just give me time to pay it off. Once a month installments of $10 with 5% interest. If you live somewhere far from New England, I'll pay $3000 w/ 5% interest.

He's really pissing me off. Comments, actions, everything. ROAR! He's turning into a combo of his father and Ray. Enough about that buttmunch (just when ya think I' so mature, ya realize, I'm a typical teen).

Love always,
Vickey

Mental debate interrupted

Feeling: like I'm going to cough up a lung (choked on my pop)

While Mom, Ray, & Sami sleep and Joey plays PS2 upstairs, I'll debate whether I should tell her or not. If I can stay awake long enough (two turkey & mayo sandwiches for lunch). On the one hand, I could tell her. I hate keeping secrets from her. She's my mom but she's also (chiche as it sounds) my best friend. She knows me better than anyone. Knows everything about me (except the fact that I thought I loved Jon). Only two that come close to that (recently) are Liz and Lindz. I waited too long to start this. Sami, Ray, & Mom are up. If I get a chance, I'll write more on this subject later.

Love always,
Vickey

Thanksgiving Day, cont.

So Mom and Ray kept up their verbal sparring for a while. We all laughed our butts off but I doubt Ray will get much action tonight. Ew! Mental image! Gross. Sami keeps digging her nails into my face. She's 19 months old. Ow. I've got a scab next to my nose. Thanks, sis. Love ya, honey! Oh, well. My baby (my unconceived, not to be thought of being conceived for a while baby) will get her back, I'm sure.

Self-destruction has gone to if-my-brother-doesn't-shut-up-this-instant-I'm-gonna-punch-him. He keeps just annoying me. Little things like asking stupid questions makes me so irritated. I've always been like that. Well, now I"m in a good (but tired & hungry-ish) mood. Nearly time for bed so I'm off to get some pudding. Arrivederci and enjoy your leftovers.

Love always,
Vickey

Random facts for your pleasure

Y'all know the deep stuff about me, my feelings. How many of ya know my birthday or my favorite color? Other than Lindz and more specific than Pisces (if you even knew that before know). I thought so. Well, here's some of those little facts for ya.

Favorites:

food: chocolate!
color: royal purple
movie: Moulin Rouge!
CD: depends upon my mood
Actor: Shane West (hehe ^_^)
Actress: Julie Roberts (esp. in Pretty Woman)
Male Singer: Tim McGraw
Female Singer: Reba McEntire
Singing Group: Dixie Chicks
Scent: Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies
Book: other than Sparks, Summertime. I can't remember who it's by.
TV show: GH, ER (b/c of Shane West), Everwood, Charmed, and Joan of Arcadia
Way to relax: bubble bath, candlelight, Norah Jones, romance novel followed by Pretty Woman or Moulin Rouge! and fuzz [will probably happen tonight]
Way to vent: you're reading it
Place in the world that I've been: NYC and DC

That's all the facts for now. I'm sure it'll be added to as time goes on.

Love always,
Vickey

Thanksgiving Day

Today is Thanksgiving Day. We (meaning me) were woken up at 8:34 by Sami. Around noon we started cooking the yams. By 2, we were next door at my grandparent's eating "dinner". Hung there, eating and playing ping-pong/pool, until 5:30-ish. The past half hour (its currently 6) has been spent listening to Mom & Ray go at it. Verbally battling but I can tell they're just teasing each other since they're laughing and smiling. It's great. I'll continue later about the days eents. For now, I'm off to another (random) entry.

A talk, an infatuation, and an ongoing war

Sorry for flooding you inbox today/tomorrow. Everything I've written since Wednesday night is in these entries.

To start with, my talk with dad. I didn't tell him. He doesn't know yet. He know something's wrong but not what. I said certain choice words to him. He said I could say whatever I want in whatever words I want without consquences. So I said f***, a**, b****, and h*ll. Prolly sh** too. He said whatever words I want. {sassily} Multiple times I said, "Okay, that's it. End of discussion." and ran out of the room. "Talked" for an hour an da half. Talked about the divorce, Angel, Lisa, and a few other things. I'm not talking to Mrs. Lynch because she can (and has to) tell Dad this. I'll talk to Mr. Whats-his-face. He can't tell Dad. I still don't know if I'll say anything to other people (whose head was on my lap as I wrote this). I'll debate that at a time when I don't have to worry about who will walk in.

Secondly, I haven't been tempted since Sunday, I think. [At the time that I wrote this, that was true.] Thirdly, I am infatuated with Law & Order: SVU. If you've never seen it, it's the story of raped or sexually mistreated victims. If the crime is sexually based, they deal with it. I don't know why I like it but Dad won't let me watch it.

My parents are at odds with one another. They battle using previleges that I am or am not allowed. Drinking coffee , watching certain shows & movies, dating, bedtimes, getting a car, people I talk to. Dad won't let me drink until the morning of my first date (aka my 16th birthday). Mom lets me now. SVU & some R-rated movies are allowed by Mom. No SVU & almost no R rated movies at Dad's. Not allowed to be alone w/a guy until I'm 16 from either parent *cough* New Year's Eve with Jon *cough*. But Mom lets me have a boyfriend. I stay up later at Mom's. I'm getting a car for my Sweet Sixteen from Mom & Ray. Dad wants me to buy my own. Most guys and Lindz (if Dad knew everything) are/would be off limits with Dad but Mom's more easygoing. They don't always realize the war they're fighting. Time to hit the hay. More tomorrow (Thanksgiving Day!). Promise. Well, my tomorrow is not necessarily yours.

Love always,
Vickey

Remember that thing John Scalzi did with the random music mix? Remember how I gave Lindz's results but not mine? Remember how I was going to do it by hand? I decided to screw that. Didn't do it. However, I know have a few CD's uploaded onto Realplayer and so I did this. Here's the first 21 songs in my list.

1) I don't want you to go by Carolyn Dawn Johnson   2) She Was by Mark Chestnutt   3) Just What I Do by Trick Pony   4) But For the Grace of God by Keith Urban   5) Jose Cuervo by Tracy Byrd   6) Wrapped Around by Brad Paisley   7) The One by Gary Allen   8) My Town by Montgomery Gentry   9) Ol Red by Blake Shelton   10) The Impossible by Joe Nichols   11) The Best Day by George Strait   12) Life Happened by Tammy Cochran   13) You're No Good by Reba   14) Fancy (Long Version) by Reba   15) The One by Gary Allen (repeated. hmmm..... will add one to make up for this repeat)   16) The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter by Reba   17) Hurt Me Once by Kick-Back Band (or is it Cajun Country? I can't remember which is the band and which is the CD. Either way, it's the band that played at Mom's wedding.)   18) We Danced Anyway by Deana Carter   19) Step Up to The Microphone by the Newsboys   20) Strange by The Warren Brothers   21) I Won't Mention It Again by Reba   That's it for the moment. I'm still listening to my music collection on shuffle. Time to finish up (or slow down) conversations with peoples and start typing up entries from my vacation.   Love always, Vickey

Sunday Brunch

Feeling: happy but like punching my dad (I know, tell you something new.)

Now, I know that many of those hits are myself & Lindz but still, my counter just rolled over 900! 900 hits since May 24, 2004! Holy crap. (Since Lindz lacks the alert ability, I think, she checks it like 500 times a day.) Now, before I do the Sunday Brunch, I'd just like to say that I will be posting things that I wrote the past five days tomorrow. I will also catch up on all journals that I have an alert set up on (and a few others that I try to read as well). Look for a few new links on the sidebar in the next few days. Now, onto the Shopping, I mean Sunday, Brunch brought to you by www.sundaybrunch.org (or is it .com? Try 'em both. Sorry.)

"George Washington had a vision for this country. Was it three days of
uninterrupted shopping?" -Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure

1) Do you enjoy shopping at the mall? Not so much shopping as hanging out there.
2) What is your favorite mall food? Cookies from the Original Cookie Company!
3) What are your three favorite “mall” stores? Icing, Afterthoughts, and others
4) What is your favorite mall? Ummm.... the one I went to in DC. It was huge! The best (semi-local) mall is Eastview.
5) Do you have one special person that you enjoy going to the mall with
the most? Any of my friends will do. (Love the mall with my mom as well.)

Hope you enjoyed that. Look forward to a bunch of alerts tomorrow if you have one up. If not, look forward to a lot of reading.

Love always,
Vickey

Convo

BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [8:55 PM]:  hey babi girl
HopelessBlondie [8:56 PM]:  hey sugar
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [8:56 PM]:  you didnt im me when i came back so i imed you
HopelessBlondie [8:57 PM]:  sry. i'm having a very deep convo (w/jake) and typing up some of my work
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [8:57 PM]:  oh ok what are you and jake talking about?
HopelessBlondie [8:58 PM]:  Life goes on adn on and on. If I am not here, it goes on. It knows nought who is in it. It does not change from you or me. It just keeps going. Always changing, always the same. Never changing, never the same. Life goes on. ----that spurred it. we're now talking about worry
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [8:59 PM]:  you are you dad? im confuesed?
HopelessBlondie [8:59 PM]:  what??????
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [8:59 PM]:  ohhh
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:00 PM]:  just kidding sorry my mind is on something else
HopelessBlondie [9:00 PM]:  okay
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:09 PM]:  vickey are you ok? be honset
Auto response from HopelessBlondie [9:09 PM]: right back to continue this insightful conversation, jake. & to deal with your problems, lindz.
HopelessBlondie [9:11 PM]:  why do you ask?
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:11 PM]:  i read your blog
HopelessBlondie [9:11 PM]:  oh.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:11 PM]:  are you ok
HopelessBlondie [9:12 PM]:  honey, you gave the guy that i loved a handjob. what do you think?
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:12 PM]:  vickey just tell me ANYTHING
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:12 PM]:  i dont want you to hide things V_V
HopelessBlondie [9:12 PM]:  no, sugar. i'm not okay. i'm dealing but i'm not okay. you did that willingly and knowing that i loved him. that hurts.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:15 PM]:  check your comments
HopelessBlondie [9:15 PM]:  it popped up automatically
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:15 PM]:  kay
HopelessBlondie [9:17 PM]:  babe, you are a fucking BLACK BELT! had you not wanted to do that, you could have stopped. you could have slapped him. i know you didnt mean to hurt me honey & at the time, it didnt. but someone pointed that out to me and now i cant deny it & now it hurts
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:17 PM]:  you know i did slap him
HopelessBlondie [9:18 PM]:  not as hard as you could have. honey, you hardly touched him in ratio to your strength.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555[9:19 PM]:  yeah i know... V_V; and im sorry.... you know not to make you upset but i feel like i dont deserve to have any friends
HopelessBlondie [9:20 PM]:  i'm not fucking dealing with that tonight. i'm sorry but, i just dont have the energy.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:21 PM]:  yeah i know that
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:21 PM]:  i just needed to say that
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 is away at 9:22 PM
HopelessBlondie [9:46 PM]:  no matter how pissed off i get, you're still my best friend & always will be. i just feel slightly betrayed, slightly peeved. but you're still my best friend and he's still my ex-love/crush. the bond between friends is stronger.
Auto response from BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:46 PM]:  kms? asking myself that...
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 returned at 9:48 PM
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:49 PM]:  hi
HopelessBlondie [9:49 PM]:  hi
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:49 PM]:  sup
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:50 PM]:  hows life
HopelessBlondie [9:50 PM]:  my back is healing-ish
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:50 PM]:  why? from what?
HopelessBlondie [9:51 PM]:  nvm
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:51 PM]:  no what?
HopelessBlondie [9:51 PM]:  it was a metaphor
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:51 PM]:  i dont get it
HopelessBlondie [9:51 PM]:  nvm
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:52 PM]:  oh
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:52 PM]:  ok
HopelessBlondie [9:53 PM]:  blaring alanis is helpful as is talking to jake.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:53 PM]:  hehe yeah
 HopelessBlondie [9:59 PM]:  time for bed. tty in the morn or on sunday (unless ya call my mom's)
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:59 PM]:  kay
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [9:59 PM]:  love ya
HopelessBlondie [9:59 PM]:  you too     Love always, Vickey

Random

My mom will be here in half an hour or so to pick me up for the next five days. When you don't get an alert until Sunday, that's why. It's not a computer glitch or anything. Lindz and I are talking. I can't really explain what happened so I'll let our conversation (or part of it anyhow) speak for itself. Read the next entry to get the convo. (It doesn't fit.)

  Jake basically saved me last night. I talked to him for a long time last night and it was basically just a very thoughtful conversation and it kept my mind working on that rather than on what was going on with Lindz. I talked to him for a while and then I blared Alanis's Jagged Little Pill CD. The friendship is intact but I don't know whether I'll ever get over him. He never knew but one day, he will. One day, he'll know how much that hurt me and how awful that weekend became for me. The video will not be watched for a while, I know. But someday, I hope that I will be okay enough with the whole thing to watch it. It'll still probably hurt then though. Okay. Enough of this topic. It's too depressing a way to start my vacation.   Only twenty more minutes to write. Oh, dear. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving Day and that you kick off the holidays with a supreme time. Don't eat too much of that (hopefully) delicious food.   Just realized, I have another dream to write up (along with meaning). Hope you don't get too bored with my dreams. I find them interesting and I typically don't remember this many in this short of a time. So, here's the dream. It's chilly outside. The trees have lost most of their leaves. I'm standing on a gravel parking lot. Behind me were a few school buses (three, I think). In front of me, my dad and brother are up on this green wooden balcony, leaning down and talking to me but there were no words. I'm standing there looking up and talking to them. Directly behind me stands the guy in the yellow shirt. The dream guy. He was taller than I and sweet. He's older than I am. When I say, "Okay, whatever." and walk away from my dad, I grab him hand and pull it around me. So, I'm walking onto the bus with Dream Guy standing right behind me (I'm practically leaning on him) and his foot was between my legs as we walked (I nearly fell over a few times). I turned onto the first bus and he disappeared. Well, not disappeared. He was still walking behind me but we didn't touch at all. I walked about halfway back on the bus. Peter Z (more about him later) is sitting there. I sit alone in the seat in front of him. Dream Guy sits a few seats closer to the front, alone. I wake up. Odd, huh? Don't have time for the meaning right now but, will remember to include it after my "vacation". Mom's here. She says, "Hey Ya'll, Have a Happy Thanksgiving Everyone !" Well, I'm off. Enjoy the holidays.   Love always, Vickey

A necklace, a dream, and a past love

Feeling: Wistful
Hearing: Talking of my classmates

I'm writing this on a paper around a comic my science teacher gave me. It's awful. Bert and Ernie, the Count, Oscar the Grouch, Elmo, and Cookie Monster are sitting around a table for Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner is...... Big Bird! How gross. You don't eat Big Bird.

Anyhow, I love my heart necklace. I'm wearing it right now. It's just a little silver, tarnished heart on a chain but it means the world to me. Whenever my mom went out of town, she typically left a note for my brother and I. In mine, it said something like, "Don't forget your heart necklace. It's in my vanity. I already have mine on." So it reminds me of Mom. I figure she's not here, she's out of town so I should have been wearing it for the past three years but I haven't so I'm starting now. Mine is tarnished. When I was little, I put it in my mouth and sucked on it. I don't know why. I still do, actually. Mom doesn't wear hers but Sami would pull it off so It's okay.

Speaking of Sami, I had another dream last night. I was driving a car. It was my mom's car, a white '94 Pontiac Sunbird convertible. The traffic was awful. The cars ahead of me crashed and the car just stopped. I don't remember putting my foot down on the break. It wasn't sudden or anything, it was just a quick stop. I got out and took Sami with me (She had been in the backseat). I got out and walked about 100 yards down to the exit ramp with her over my shoulder. I decided I didn't want to walk so I turned around and went back to the car. Multiple cars had now crashed but, luckily mine wasn't involved. I could see it clearly but there were cars just inches from the car, in awful condition. I put Sami in the back (it was her old blue and tan carseat). But, I didn't have to open the door. There was a door but, it just opened itself without me seeing it open. So, I got in and drove (I don't remember getting in the car, just being behind the wheel). I decided to head for the exit ramp since it was clear. Then, I woke up. When I finish with my other stuff, I'm going to look it up and see if it means anything.

Oh, my talk with Dad. Did I tell you about that? [Note: this was written before the talk occured.] When I get home, before I do anything, he wants to talk to me. To help me fix this if he can. Sweet, I know. Shows he love me. BUT he can't. He can't help me not want to cut myself and I'm not ready to tell him. Mom knows everything first. If she doesn't know about this, he won't. Just because I'm more comfortable with her. I'm worried that nobody will believe me. I have no physical scars. Sometimes I think about doing it so I can have proof that I did, that I'm not making this up. Yesterday, I was at Lindz's and Sean, Arthur, and Matt were there. They wanted to watch the video (that Lindz brought up) Eric had taped Homecomng Weekend. I told them, "Don't you f***ing dare. I swear you will die if you play it." Well, Lindz didn't tell them where it was but, they found it. They played it (despite me). I went into the bathroom. Two reasons for going in there. One: I had to use it. Two: I was not about to watch that. I thought I could handle listening to it, but nope. So, I'm in the bathroom and I finish my business. I hear Lindz say, "Yea, I made out with him (Eric) and I gave him a handjob." She sounded so remorseful. ::sarcasm::(Gosh, am I being careful with my wording or what? She reads this regularly. Sorry, babe but these are my feelings. Uncensored.) She knocks on the bathroom door as I was looking into the mirror, thinking. "Vick? Are you okay?" Well, let's see. If you had just heard your best friend say, unremorsefully, that s/he gave your ex-love a handjob or similar, would you be okay? "Yea, Lindz. I'm fine." because I knew she meant had I hurt myself. "Open the door, Vickey." "Lindz, I'm fine." "Unlock the door. Let me in." *unlocks door half laughing* "I'm fine, Lindz. See?" *shows her my arms* "Lemme see your legs." *laughing, shows her my legs* "Stomach." "You're kidding me, right?" "No, S**** did it on her stomach. Stomach." *shows her my stomach* "See, my back, too?" *shows her my back* Not so much as a scratch on 'em. To be honest, the thought had hardly crossed my mind. "Okay, you're fine." No, I'm not! You gave the guy I loved a handjob! I'm not fine! It's been nearly two months. I'm not okay yet. I'm still coming to terms with it al. I cried over that video. I heard two words of it and I cried. Those two words were Eric saying, "Hey, Jon." He's still in my system. He won't get out. I'm movin on but I'm not over him yet. I'm still in love with him. Well, not him but the idea of him. Enough reminising about the guy he used to be. Until later.....

 

Feeling: Frustrated and a bit sad
Hearing: Deana Carter- Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Hey, y'all. It's later and I just yelled at Lindz about Jon. Here's how the convo went:

HopelessBlondie [6:19 PM]:  if heartaches and tears are part of the deal you can count me out
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:19 PM]:  yeah
HopelessBlondie [6:21 PM]:  --- wish i'd said that to jon. why won't he leave me alone? i haven't spoken to him in over a month and he wont leave me alone. he keeps invading my headspace. i want it for myself. i want him out of it. i want him gone. i want him & the idea of him to just leave me the h*ll alone. i want my life back. i want my thoughts my head my life. i want all that without him. i want my sanity. i want to be able to watch that video w/o crying my eyes out. i want to be able to hear it without crying. i want him to...
HopelessBlondie [6:21 PM]:  leave me alone BUT i want him back. i want what i once had w/him but, i know that'll never happen. i want my life back. I WANT MY FREAKIN LIFE BACK, JON!
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HopelessBlondie [6:22 PM]:  sry. i just want my f***ing life back.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]:  AHHHHH
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]:  MATT IS TICKLING ME!!!
HopelessBlondie [6:22 PM]:  f*** off matt.
HopelessBlondie [6:23 PM]:  (sry. i'm p*$$y right now)
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:23 PM]:  OT OH!
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 is away at 6:24 PM

 

As I wrote that, I couldn't stop. I was possessed. I just had to keep typing out my frustration. I've been thinking about Jon a lot lately and I don't know why. Hmmm.... I'm off to eat dinner (nachos! Yum!) but, I'll tell ya about the talk I had with my dad later. Oh, and I'll update you on what "bad thing" Lindz did. Arrivederci.

Love always,
Vickey

Umm... computer help?

Okay, I'm an idiot. I have been told that my colors are blinding someone and being the considerate human being that I am, I have decided to change my default colors. Now the problem here is that I can't remember how to! If someone could tell me how, I'd very much appreciate it and would send them cyber-chocolate. I tried going into edit journal but that gave me bumpkiss (sp?). Maybe it's because I'm not on my main computer. Hmmm.... well, regardless, I can't remember how so any help is very much appreciated. Thanks.

Love always,
Vickey

P.S. Are these colors any better? Suggestions welcome.

Random survey thingy

Here's a random survey I got from Aoife. It's long so you can skip it if you'd like.

>If I was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: the leaning tower of pisa
>If I was a store I'd sell: books and dreams
>If I was a brand of shoe I'd be: sandals…
>If I was a bad habit I'd be: bitching
>If I was a swear word I'd be: damn

>If I was a icecream flavor I'd be: really really dark chocolate
>If I was a disease I'd be: something deathly
>If I was a board game I'd be: CandyLand
>If I was a feeling I'd be: a rollercoaster
>If I was a president I'd be: declaring war once a month.
>If I was a war I'd be: WWII
>If I was a city I'd be: NYC
>If I was a color I'd be: purple
>If I was a celebrity I'd be: Jennifer Aniston
>If I was a movie I'd be: Pretty Woman
>If I was a brand of toothpaste I'd be: cherry or some other unique flavor

>If I was a currency I'd be: weird
>If I were a month, I'd be: february
>If I were a day of the week, I'd be: friday
>If I were a time of day, I'd be: 3:30 am
>If I were a planet, I'd be: mercury
>If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a mermaid
>If I were a direction, I'd be: north north north south
>If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a really comfy bed
>If I were a sin, I'd be: pride
>If I were a liquid, I'd be: nail polish
>If I were a tree, I'd be: a weeping willow
>If I were a bird, I'd be: a robin red breast
>If I were a tool, I'd be: something powerful?
>If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a lilac
>If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: thunderstorm
>If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a piano
>If I were an animal, I'd be: a kitty cat
>If I were a vegetable, I'd be:a tomato (just for Murph)
>If I were a sound, I'd be: giggles
>If I were an element, I'd be: rain
>If I were a car, I'd be: a ’66 red convertible corvette
>If I were a song, I'd be:  break away by Kelly Clarkson
>If I were a book, I'd be: Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks
>If I werea food, I'd be: caramel apples
>If I were a material, I'd be:  fleece (b/c some idiot said so)
>If I were a taste, I'd be: sweet
>If I were a word, I'd be: precious

>If I were a body part, I'd be: lips
>If I were a facial expression, I'd be: a huge freaking grin
>If I were a shape, I'd be: a heart
>If I were a number, I'd be: 14
>If I was a country I'd be:  India?
>If I was a ocean or body of water I'd be: the pacific ocean
>If I was a profession I'd be: something cool?
>If I was a piece of candy I'd be: Baby Ruth
>1) Name: Victoria Elizabeth
>(2) NicName: Vickey
>(3) Straight/gay/BI?: straight
>(4) Single?: yup but I can change that with one phone call
>(5) Your birthday: 2/20
>(6) Age you act:
>(7) Age you wish you were: 16-driving & dating
>(8) Your height: 5' 1” ish
>(9) The color of your eyes: sepia today
>(10) Happy with it?: yeah-ish
>(11) The color of your hair: mahogany
>(12) Happy with it?: mostly
>(14) Your living arrangement?: Dad & brother here with a mom, sister, and stepdad 100 miles away
>(29) Whats your job right now: school
>(30) Piercing?: one hole per ear
>(31) Tattoos?: none, yet
>(32) Obsessions?:guys, books, annoying Lindz, scaring ppl, getting into debates, stealing Lindz’s life, blogging
>(35) Do you speak another language?: german & ASL
>(36) Have a favorite quote?: I have too many of them!

 >(37) Do you have a WebPage?: Yup. My blog & an aol homepage
>38) Do you live in the moment?: I have no idea
>(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yea
>(40) Do you have any secrets?: yuppers
>(41) Do you hate yourself? not much
>(42) Do you like your handwriting?: my cursive
>(43) Do you have any bad habits?: swearing, staying online longer than I should…
>(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: that I’m “cute”
>(45) If a movie were made about your life, what would it be called?: Chaos…
>(46) What's your biggest fear?: dying without having loved someone
>(47) Can you sing: ‘course
>(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: nope

>(49) Are you a loner?: not really
>(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: of course
>(52) Are you a daredevil? –ish

>(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: the urges i've had recently, how mean i've become
>(54) Are you passive or aggressive?: assertive
>(55) Have you got a question?: many, depending on the situation
>(56) What is your greatest strength and weakness? strength, my writing i guess. weakness, the urges
>(57) If you could change one thing about yourself?: I'd become that little girl I once was again.
>(58) There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity, which one
do you choose? love. my greatest goal in life is to love and be loved in return.
>(59) How do you vent?: my blog
>(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: define strong.
>(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: not speaking up and telling ppl how i felt before the feelings went away (yes, I've been thinking about Jon lately)
>(62) Do you think life has been good so far?: it's been decent
>(63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: you've always gotta have someone to turn to.
>(64) What do you like the most about your body?: my hair and my eyes
>(65) And least?: I feel my stomach sticks out too much and my thighs are too large.
>(66) Do you think you are good looking?: i think i'm decent.
>(67) Are you confident?: depends on the situation.
>(68) What is the “fictional” character you're most like?: i'd like to say one of the heroines in a Sparks novel. esp. Julie in The Guardian but it's prolly more like someone else
>(69) Do people know how you feel?: some ppl about some stuff
>(70) Are you perceived wrongly?: sometimes
>(71) Smoke?: no
>(72) Do drugs?: No
>(73) Read the newspaper?: no
>(74) Pray?: yes
>(76) Talk to strangers who IM you?: sometimes
>(77) Sleep with stuffed animals?: yes. i sleep w/my huge bear at dad's and a small bear i named Destiny at Lindz's. i don't have one at mom's.
>(78) Take walks in the rain?:yes, i love it
>(79) Talk to people even though you hate them?: sometimes
>(80) Drive?: not yet
>(81) Like to drive fast?: i'll tell ya when i start drivin
>(82) Like your voice?: most of the time
>(83) Hurt yourself?: think this has been covered well enough
>(84) Been out of the country?: yes to Canada
>(85) Eaten something that made other people sick?: yes and it made me sick (sushi)
>(86) Burped?: yeah
>(87) Been unfaithful?: havent had someone to be unfaithful to
>(88) Been in love?: i thought i was....
>(89) Done drugs?: no
>(90) Gone skinny-dipping?: no, but i plan on it
>(92) Had surgery?: yup. tonsilectomy
>(93) Ran away from home?: not really. but i probably will run to Lori's someday. Lori rocks.
>(94) Played strip poker?: no but i plan to
>(95) Gotten beaten up?: no
>(97) Been picked on?: yes
>(98) Been on stage?: ugh yes
>(99) Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath?: never been on a date, been drunk, or fainted at the sight of myself. my breath in the morning though... yea, it has been pretty bad sometimes (but who hasn't experienced that?)
>(100) Slept outdoors?: in a tent......

 

 

Hope you enjoyed that little bit. If you'd like to waste your own time and do it in your journal, leave a link as I'd love to read it.

 

Love always,
Vickey

Uh-oh, part 2

Well, when I got out of the shower, I was told dinner was ready. I wasn't planning on eating. I got my stuff packed and got dressed. From before I got in the shower until the time I left, I had "Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts playing. Loudly. If you've never heard it, it's a pretty sad song. My favorite line for the night was "I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong". It fits for the night. I ate about 1/2 a cup of pasta, eventually. Got in the car and drove to Lindz's dad's. My father told me he wanted me to see my school counselor. That counselor is obligated to tell my parents if I tell her I'm going to/have hurt myself, hurt someone else, or if someone says they are going to hurt me. My whole reason for a counselor is that I want to cut myself. She'd have to tell Dad and I don't want him to know this. Eventually, I'll tell him but right now, Mom, who knows everything doesn't know about this (the only other thing that I haven't told her is the whole Jon situation). I'm going to tell her soon though, I think. But I digress (I have wanted to say that for the longest time and haven't gotten a chance. Now, I found one!). Well, I told Dad that I am not going to see Mrs. Lynch. I am going to see a counselor out of school because "she can tell you and I don't want you to know". Well, I know the policy but, he doesn't. BTW: I don't think the counselor Lindz recommended will work either. It's just a feeling though, as Dad hasn't called yet to set me up an appointment. I think he found this journal. If so, hi, Dad. Yes, this is what I really think and what I really feel. Deal with it or go away. I'm not explaining myself to you at the moment. I write for me, not you or anyone else. If not, yay! I'm not screwed! If I am, expect far less updates and zero words even close to swearing. He's planning to put a timer on this. But, I digress again. (hehe ^_^ I got to use it again!) Well, when I got to Lindz's Dad's, I peeked in her room and saw she was asleep. I asked if I could use the computer (was planning to type something up and send it to myself so I could put it in here later but wound up just writing it in here instead). Got on, checked e-mail, and wrote here. Eventually left there and came to Lindz's Mom's where I spun around (see, MM, I'm takin your advice? Lots of H2O and movement. brb

hi everyone this is lindsay yes the famous one.. well at least in this journal any how... well  vickey is at my house and right now she is in the bath room.... oh and i did a bad thing so yeah V_V; well shes over my shoulder right now... so yeah hehe

I'm back. She won't tell me what that "bad thing" is but, I have my suspicions. Well, nothing really has happened for the rest of the night but, I'll update tomara with how I dealt with Lindz (lol). Arrivederci and sweet dreams to all. Oh, crap! I have homework! Wish me luck....

Love always,
Vickey

Uh-oh....

I'm sittin at Lindz's dad's house using the computer. Lindz is asleep but, I decided to let her sleep. I'll vent here instead. I know I do a lot of that and for that I am truly sorry. I know that you all deserve to come here and have happy thoughts, not worrying ones. I'd love to be able to do that but, writing is my outlet and this is an easy place to pound out the keys. Perhaps I should write to Lightheart instead. (Lightheart is the name I gave my diary last year. I came up with that name because at the time I had just finished a book about a unicorn named Lightfoot from the land of Luster. It was great and I became obsessed about unicorns again.) Well, for now, this is going to be my outlet. At least tonight.

I did it again. Dad was standing right there and he was making me mad and I grabbed the marker on my desk and I stormed past him into the bathroom and I took the cap off it. I had it a centimeter away from my arm and he was right outside the door talking and pissing me off more and I thought of you all and the comments I've received and how I didn't want to and I thought "Do I really want to do this?" then I scared the crap out of myself and thought, "It's this or the razor." and I choose the marker. Three lines and the word "leave". It didn't calm me down as it had the first time and that scared me. In order to calm down, I scratched my arm. The marker was then thrown across the bathroom. He asked me what I was doing with the marker and I said nothing. He pushed the door in (I had been leaning against it). When it became apparent that he would obviously win this battle of strength, I sprang up and grabbed the marker putting it behind my back as I leaned against the tub. My sleeves were still up so my arm was behind my back.

What were you doing with the marker?
Nothing. *pulls sleeves down*
I saw you grab it. What were you doing?
Nothing.
I heard you with it. I heard you. What did you write on your arms.
Nothing, okay? Leave me alone. I have to pee. Here. *chucks marker at him* Now get out.
That's what you said when you came in here.
Yea, well, I have to pee. Leave me alone.

A struggle insued when he wouldn't get out. I pushed past him into my room and he followed. He wouldn't get out of the doorway so I tried to duck beneath his arm, beside his leg to get out.

You're a strong little sh** for someone who has no meat on her a**. (What kind of a father says that about their daughter's butt?)

I eventually shoved past him and got into the downstairs bathroom. I sat on the toilet and cried. I cried because he knew. I cried because I lied. I cried because this whole mess started. I cried because I had to get it all out. I haven't cried since before October 17th unless I was in physical pain (when I dropped the can of shaving gel on my foot yesterday, for example).

What time are we leaving?
After I take your brother over. 5:45 or so.
What time is it now?
5:10
I'm taking a quick shower.
Really quick. I still have to get in and get ready for work.

Proceeded to go upstairs and get in the shower. Scrubbed all evidence off my arm. It came off quite easily, for which I was glad. I can't even see it and I know it was there. I have to go for the moment but, will continue the saga later.

Love always,
Vickey

Sunday Brunch

I'm talking to Lindz and Liz again. Finally! I haven't talked to them both at the same time in forever. This is absolutely great. hehe ^_^ I love them sooooooo much! Miss you, Liz! Now, for the sunday brunch(es).

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old
and the new." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

1) How do you cook your turkey? (Stuffing, spices, cooking bag,
etcetera) I don't cook the turkey yet. I just eat it how Mom makes it.
2) What is your favorite Thanksgiving dessert? Pumpkin pie with whipped cream
3) What are you doing this year for Thanksgiving? I just went over this a few entries ago. I'm going to Mom's.
4) Do you have any family traditions at Thanksgiving? The past two years and this year I've gone to Mom's and ate with my grandparents.
5) What one dish does it just not feel like Thanksgiving without besides turkey? sweet potatoes! I can't live without Mom's candied yams for Thanksgiving dinner.

Now, for the alternate....
"Flying may not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the
price." -Amelia Earhart

1) Do you enjoy flying by air? Yes, I loved it the one time I went.
2) Do you typically check a bag when you fly or carry on? Well, I did only carry on but that was because Scott drove my bag down.
3) Has an airline ever lost your bag? Describe what happened and if you
were compensated by the airline. Never checked a bag.
4) Do you eat the airline food? Do cookies count?
5) What do you do to pass the time when you fly? I watched TV (Jet Blue) and looked out the window. I had a ton of fun.

Hope you enjoyed that and I do really miss you, Liz! Glad you love RI. I can't wait to come visit you.

Love always,
Vickey

Pictures, Thanksgiving, Comments

That was a freaking riot. That guy was freaking great. He had me in tears from laughing so hard. And Joey! My goodness, Joey! He laughed so hard, his face turned red and his eyes were bloodshot! It was great. I have never had so much fun having my picture taken. An hour and a half & $75 later, awesome pics. We got 5 out of 7. Three of Joey and I, one of me, and one of Joey. The two we didn't get were of us both. Allow me to paint you a picture: two children, 15 & 10; frosty; top hats; scarves; Elmo; and a teddy bear. Elmo and a teddy bear? What was he thinking? We didn't get that one. The other we didn't get was because Joey wasn't ready and had we tried to retake it we would have lost the other shots. Two nearly identical ones of us. Blah. One of Joey by himself. It's a good picture considering the lense nearly cracked. (lol. I'm mean, I know. He's my little brother and I get to make fun of him though. bwahaha) Lastly, the one of just moi. Country road background, roses in my hand. Gorgeous, if I do say so myself. If I ever figure out my scanner, I'll upload some of them. I'm obsessed, I know. Please forgive me. *puppy dog eyes* [This is where you say, "Okay." and I smile sweetly. hehe]

Wow. Two days of school next week. I hope I don't get homework for the break. That would be awful. So far, Thanksgiving is looking great. I'm going to Mom's after youth group Wednesday night. (So we leave Dad's around 8:30-ish and get there around 10:30 or 11. I've arrived later. Left there later too. But that's another story for another day.) Uncle AJ and his girlfriend, Lori, are coming up Wednesday night, too. Thanksgiving will be over at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Beth (yay ::sarcasm::), Ray (my stepdad), Mom, Sami (my sister), Joey (my brother), Uncle AJ, Lori, and me get to spend Thanksgiving together. It feels like a real Thanksgiving. I can't wait for it. Since Mom's coming later, I get to go to youth group too which rocks. Fifth time in six weeks that I get to go. Yay! Can't wait.

You know what I just noticed? It seems like people go through periods where they leave a lot of comments here. First, madmanADHD (Michael) left most of my comments. Then, sarajanesmiles (Sara). Now it's quartrlyfecrysis (B). I found that odd. Speaking of which, anybody know anything about madman? I can't get to his journal for some reason, be it incorrect address or screwy AOL. Well, I'm off to im for a while and surf the net.Hopefully get to sleep at a decent hour so I can wake up and FLY off to church and then back to dad's for a few hours before I head to Lindz's. Gosh am I busy for the next week.

Love always,
Vickey

P.S. Okay, now that's weird. Being the computer whiz that I tend to be, how could I have the wrong URL for a journal? So weird. I didn't get my alert either. I'll have to check into that but, I have re-found madman's journal. I'll now be updating the links I have placed into my sidebar and favorites section. Arrivederci and enjoy the rest of your night.

Short-short-short

This is like the shortest entry in history or at least the fastest. I'm off to get my pictures taken. Shhhh! It's a surprise for my dad. Hope you all are enjoying your Saturday. Now, I have three minutes to brush my teeth, get my shoes on, and grab my book! Can I do it? Yes, I can! (Now I sound like Bob the Builder.) lol. Arrivederci until tonight.

Love always,
Vickey

Saturday Six

First of all, it's before noon on a Saturday and I'm awake. You should all clap. I'm even coherent! And, I'm actually doing the Saturday Six on Saturday! {A murmur rubbles through the crowd.} On with the show...

1. Other than news, sports, editorials and weather, which specific features or columns of the newspaper do you always read? I don't typically read the paper but when I do, I read the horoscopes.

2.  When do you normally do your Christmas shopping?  Have you started this year's, yet?  Do you intend to spend more, less or the same this year versus last year? Whenever my parents take me. I haven't started this year's unless you count my solo that I'll preform for my family on Christmas Eve. I don't really spend my own money for Christmas so, I don't know but I'm guessing it'll be less.

3. You're having a true "TV Dinner," made by a classic character:  who would you rather have in the kitchen:
A) Aunt Bee from "The Andy Griffith Show"
B) Alice from "The Brady Bunch"
C) June from "Leave it to Beaver"
D) Edith from "All in the Family"
E) Claire from "The Cosby Show"
Now, if I knew more than two of those, I might respond. The show names are all familiar but, I don't watch most of them!

4. What topic are you most sick of hearing about in J-Land? Well, now I get to sound like a hypocrite but, depression. I know it's sometimes easier to write when you're depressed, that you need to write then. It just seems like everyone (myself included) is feeling down lately. Maybe we need one big, old-fashioned party to cheer everybody up.

5. What company is annoying you most with junk mail? Don't typically get junk mail but those girls with their webcams are annoying me.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #32 from Chantal:  What cheesy sitcom (from any era) most describes how you grew up? Your family, location, dynamics, details... Ummm.... a cheesy sitcom? I don't know. Any shows about a family of four in NY state moving 17 miles and destroying their daughter's life and just when it gets back on track, her parents seperate and bring in all the chaos that involves. Now, when it's back on track family wise she begins to fight with her dad and contemplate moving in with her mom and thinks about self-harming? I didn't think so. Sounds more like a soap opera. I used to want to be part of the Camden family on 7th Heaven, though. (Unrelated-ish, I know.)

Well, there's my Saturday Six. Hope you enjoyed it. Now, I'm off to eat some breakfast. Have a great weekend.

Love always,
Vickey

Country singers and cowboys

Firstly, I'm obviously a freak because all afternoon I was saying, "I'm such a freakin country girl." Then before I went to bed, I felt so city. I wore my cowgirl hat to school (ended up only wearing it there & back not in between) yesterday. I feel great in that hat. It makes me feel sexy and happy & just great. I know I shouldn't focus on material possessions but every body's got that one (or twenty) thing(s) that you put 'em on and feel great. Well, guys like cowboy hats, too. At least, they like to steal mine & wear it. There's a guy on my bus that asked if he could wear my hat. I said, "sure, why not?" so he took it and put it on his head. (Lemme just say, he looked good in my hat. Scary, huh?) So, he's wearing my hat and the guy next to him takes it and puts it on. The person behind him takes it. It winds up halfway back on the bus before I had a chance to say, "Ummm.... I'm gonna need that back, ya know." This guy says, "Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll get it back." Now, I didn't like Jake saying "she's mine" but, I nearly swooned when this guy (whose name I don't even know) was protective-ish and takes responsiblity for getting my hat back. Now maybe I'm a freak for that, too. Maybe I'm normal. I don't know. Well, bus guy (who will be called so until I figure out his real name) was kinda flirting and such (and I kinda flirted right back). He looks remarkably like a guy I dreamt about. This dream guy had on a yellow shirt (I'm pretty sure I've seen Bus Guy in a similar yellow shirt), had lighter skin (ditto for Bus Guy), dark hair (check), and played guitar (that one I don't know about). It was so weird.

Oh, anybody wondering why I was wearing a cowgirl hat? Sorry if I already wrote this but, I don't remember writing it. Wednesday night, I was at a concert for the families of the ronald mcdonald house. It was great. Joe Diffie hosted and Craig Morgan, Dusty Drake, Josh Gracin, and Joe Nichols were playing. They were all great. After the show, I waited in line for autographs from Dusty Drake and Joe Nichols. Gramma got Joe Diffie's for me (he wasn't supposed to stay though). Excuse the caps that are coming up.. JOE NICHOLS HUGGED ME! HE WINKED AT LINDZ & I LIKE TEN TIMES! OMG! Can ya tell I'm hyped up about that still? He's an amazing singer & he's pretty easy  on the eyes. HE HUGGED ME! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yes, I'm insane. You would be too. I got his autograph along with that hug and then got Dusty Drake's. That was such a great concert. Amazing, in fact.

Ever since, I can't get the whole cowboy fantasy out of my head. Know the one I'm talkin' bout? (I'm talking about this on Lindz's advice but I'm going to be vague in the extreme, if you don't mind.) Allow me to paint the picture: member of the sex you're attracted to, blue jeans, cowboy hat, acoustic guitar, fire, stars, perhaps horseback? Yea, that fantasy. It's been in the back of my mind for the past two days.

Love always,
Vickey

On a happier note, the weekend assignment

Weekend Assignment #35: Tell us something you should be thankful for -- but that you're usually not. After all, it's easy to be thankful for all the things you know you should be thankful for: Your family and friends, your home, the good things that come from living wherever (and whenever) you do. So try stretching a little and think about something that you're thankful for that you usually don't think much about at all. It can be serious or silly; it's up to you. You just have to be genuinely thankful for it -- once it comes to mind.

What should I be thankful for that I'm not usually? Well, I could go with the mundane, normal things such as life, family, and all my wonderful friends both J-Land and school-land (lol). I know I could do so many things.

Music. I'm thankful for music. I don't typically think of it because it's always been there in my life. It gives me a chance to express myself whether I write it or not. Whether I'm singing in the shower, in class, walking down the street, or in Carnegie Hall, it's expressing my mood at that moment, expressing my talent & effort. It's a very universal thing. No matter what type of music it is, everyone can find something they like. Most of us take the radio or the television music channels for granted. I know I do. Every night I go to sleep with my radio playing country music (except Sundays when I pop in a CD). I don't think twice about it anymore. It's amazing that these people can make such gorgeous sounds with their instrument of choice. Whether that instrument is their voice, a piano, a guitar, whatever it is, if they can master it and make it produce those sounds, it's astounding.

Can't wait to hear what you're all thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love always,
Vickey

Irritability & sabadical

Feeling-irritated

If I wasn't a virgin, I'd think I was pregnant. Irritability, backache, cravings. Could be PMS if I hadn't just finished my period. Sorry 'bout that, guys. I'm just having a lot of mood swings lately for no reason. The littlest thing (or nothing at all) will set me off. I got annoyed at Lindz & Jess for asking me for help. Typically, I'd help gladly. I'm going into another of my sabadical phases, I think. I went through one near the end of eighth grade. This one is longer (so far) and harsher. Not only do I want to get away for a weekend (last time, one weekend at Mom's and I was nearly out of it) but I want to take a month off of school. Only human contact through the phone and the computer. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to get ticked off so easily. I want to be like I was just a few short weeks ago, kind, happy, loving life. I know depression can be hereditary and both my parents have been diagnosed (though neither is currently on medicine). I'll do some reasearch tonight and see if that's a possibility. Felsic & mafic rock time....

Love always,
Vickey

Roar *sigh*

November 17, 2004- Feeling: small

I need that freaking counelor. Fought with my dad again. When I got into the shower before bed, I took every razor & blade (& my red marker) into the back of the cabinet beneath the sink. Smart move, huh? I figure if I can't get to it easily, can't see it, I won't, right? Well, I was regulating the water temperature and a comment I had made to Lindz popped in my mind (God, I hope she's not reading this). Ever since I was little, I sould scratch my legs (lightly) with my nails. Not to hurt, just because I was bored and I had nails. Well, last night, I scrapped my nails into my leg. It was red for at least 30 minutes. Just now, walking down the hall, I scratched my wrist. I really need to learn (excuse me, relearn) to deal with life better. Any suggestions?

On another note, Lindz dealt drugs. Her meds (she has ADHD). She sold them for money. My drug policy has always been if you're on 'em, get off or get out of my life. Now I need to add if you're dealing them, quit iti or get out of my life. My goodness. Not even 15 and dealing (prescription) drugs. *breathes deeply as she counts to ten* Uniformitarianism time... *rolls eyes*

Love always,
Vickey

Stress and Mixin' it up

November 16, 2004- Feeling: So freaking stressed out

Stress. Too much work. Too little time. Toomuch procrastination. Too little silence to think. Roar! A few weeks ago, I used my studyhalls. I could concentrate despite the noise. Now, I can't write a blog entry because of the noise. I don't use my studyhall or do my homework. I think I have some anxiety disorder or something. I was reading Bodies Under Siege last night. Made me hyperventilate and nearly cry. I couldn't breathe, felt suffocated. Not a fun way to end my day. That whole "crowded when alone" poem rings tru more and more. To stop giving you the impression that I'm so freakin' depressed.....

Mixin' it up was so freaking (BTW: that's my new favorite word) fun. I sat with Suzanne, Mel, Maria, and some others. Vreni, Liz, and Catilin joined us and Conor was there for a brief minute. It was hilarious to hear everyone's conversation and reactions. It was absolutely great. You kind of had to be there but I had an amazing lunch period. Even got to eat without being uncomfortable. *gasp*

Wow. Even talking about having fun made me feel better. Less stressed, less suffocated. Amazing (as my body heats up again. What the hell is up with my body?! It hates me. It has a mind of its own. "She's got a mind of her own, she don't care what they say." hehe ^_^) Class dismissed in 5...4...3...2...1... *brrng*

Love always,
Vickey

Thanks

November 16, 2004-Feeling: Blessed

My emotions keep changing. Up, down, up, down. (Quit laughing, Lindz.) Never too far down though. Thank you to everyone who has sent good thoughts, vibes, and/or prayers the way of the friends I have mentioned and myself. They and I really appreciate it. I know it has helped me tremendously. They've kept me from going to that place no matter how pissed off I get. Eved just venting it out here and knowing someone hears and cares helps. Thank you all for everything you have done to help me and my friends. I ask that you continue to pray for all the people dealing with similar temptations and struggles. Whether you kow them or not, they're glad you're praying for them, glad to be on the road to recovery.

We all deal with problems, family, finanacial, school, or work, just daily life. We just need to know how to deal with it. Cutting is not the answer, my friends. Suicide is just a permanant answer to a temporary problem. If anyone reading this is thinking about harming or killing themself, please reconsider. Please talk to someone. A counselor, a friend, a family member. If one of your loved ones is dealing with this, please get them help. Get them to a professional. You can help but only so far. A professional has been taught how to deal with this whereas, if you're anything like me, you're flying by the seat of your pants.

Love always,
Vickey

Mix it up day!

November 16, 2004- Mood: Cathartic

Overslept and pissed Dad off because he had to drive me. Almost missed first period. Today is Mix It Up Day! Eat lunch with someone new, basically. You get to know them, break stereotypes. I fully intend to participate. They should do this at the middle school. It would prolly cause a riot though. I'm interested to see who and how many will do this. I still don't know who I'll sit with. I really don't know. Eating in front of someone you don't know well is kind of scary, isn't it? Worrying if they'll think you're a pig or anorexic. Do you have stuff all over your face? With a friend, there is a feeling of security, of comfort. I'll probably wind up chickening out. Challenging social boundaries is not my normal cup of tea. I don't know. One way or another...

Love always,
Vickey

Scalzi's latest assignment

Firstly, interesting assignment. Secondly, pain in the ass to do since I had to write it all out & pick randomly from a hat! Thirdly, Lindz's results (far easier to get than mine!)...
1. American Idiot- Green Day
2. The Warning- JaRule
3. A Little Bluer Than That- Alan Jackson
4. Mesmerize- Ashanti& JaRule
5. Love For Me- Ashlee Simpson
6. I Can- Nas
7. Shut Up- Black Eyed Peas
8. Luv You Better- LL Cool J
9. You Were Meant for Me- Jewel
10. For a Little While- Tim McGraw

Pretty good mix in my opinion. Now, I've gotta go do mine! 24 CD's times an average of 12 songs per CD equals 288 songs to write out and pick from randomly. Wish me luck! My results in the next entry (or an update to this one).

Love always,
Vickey

Chocolate and my latest batch of insanity

Well, I'm in a really really good mood. I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with the massive amounts of chocolate I've been inhaling. Speaking of which.... Yup I went to get chocolate. Tootsie rolls to be exact. I'm going to do Scalzi's latest assignment by hand now. Meaning I'm going to write out each song title & pick randomly. Yea, I'm a freak.Yea, I should do my homework instead. Too bad. I'll post that in a bit. Arrivederci until then.

Love always,
Vickey

It's Sunday and the tradition is half-broken!

First off, Katrina Elam is an amazing singer/songwriter. Look her up. Now, onto the update.

It's Sunday. First Sunday in a month that I haven't wanted to cut myself. But, I did fight with Dad so it's only 1/2 broke. I'm so happy that I didn't want to. I got pissed & I got mad but, I didn't want to hurt myself! :D Yay! More on this tomorrow.

Lastly, since bedtime is fast approaching, I'm worried about Miss Lindsay. Same deal. (Sorry for outing you hun.) More details if she lets me give 'em.

For now, I've got to go to bed. :( Thanks be to God for being with me and not making me feel like that. (For I did pray and ask Him to help me.)

Arrivederci.

Love always,
Vickey

To further confuse you, the Saturday Six

1. Who is the last house guest you invited into your home and was it a pleasant visit? As in overnight? Lindz but she practically lives here. Other than her, Jake & I think so though he felt ignored. Sorry bout that, hun.

2.  Other than to work or school, where was the last place you drove? I can't drive but last place I was driven was back to Dad's (note: not back home but back to Dad's)

3. In terms of emergency supplies, how many of the following do youhave in your home?  A) Candles  Far too many to count B) Fresh batteries by category- AAA-5 AA-6 C-2 D-2  C)Containers of bottled water None

4. You're invited to a pot-luck dinner:  what specialty do youoffer to bring?  (It has to be something you can cook yourself,not something you bring from a store!)
I have to cook it? Does dessert count? If so, chocolate chip cookies. If not, garlic lime chicken. I got it from Leanne of savingdinner.com through FLYlady (www.flylady.net). It's delicious but spicy-ish and a little tough to make.

5. Which of the following do you feel is the most true based on your own life experiences:
A) It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
B) The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
C) To have a friend, you must first be a friend.
D) Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
E) Never judge a book by its cover.
F) The tree of knowledge bears the noblest fruit.

A- Thanks for that lesson, dear Jon.

6. READER'S CHOICE QUESTION #31 from Cherie: We have all watched movies and TV shows that have inspired us to wantto do what the characters in the show are doing, (doctors, lawyers,politicians, fire fighters, etc).  Has there ever been programthat you watched that made you realize that the occupation of the characters was something you could NEVER become?

Gosh. I don't know. I love Law & Order:SVU but I don't think I could ever be a policewomyn. It would be too taxing emotionally. Esp. in the SVU (special victims unit for those who don't know).

Momentarily, a real entry will be posted, one that isn't just a waste of time for you and I. Well, it won't be a waste of time for me but, perhaps you. Sorry if it is.

Love always,
Vickey

Take this quiz Tuesday (yes, it's Sunday :[)

Well, in being an idiot, I'm doing Take this quiz Tuesday nearly a week after the fact. Hopefully, I can be on time soon. I got this from Chelle who got it from Heather. (Yes, I am stealing quite a few things from Chelle. Sorry! It's just such a great waste of time that I don't have to waste. hehe ^_^ My apologies if you feel offended in the slightest.) Time for my results.... then the link to the quiz.

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of JoeBut don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated
You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys
Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites.
And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

Here is the link... http://www.yournewromance.com/coffeequiz.html. Enjoy the quiz!

Little quiz to waste my time

1. Which is your favorite color out of:
red
black
blue
green
yellow

My answer: green

2. Your first initial?

My Answer: V
3. Your month of birth?

My Answer: February
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

My answer: black
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

My answer: Lindz

6. Your favorite number?

My answer: 14
7. Do you like California or Florida more?

My answer: Cali 
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

My answer: Ocean 
9. Write down a wish.

My answer: I wish that I could **** *** **** ** *** 100%!
When you're done, scroll down to check your answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWERS:
1. If you chose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love!
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A - K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L - R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S - Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-March: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr - Jun You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
Jul - Sep You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct - Dec Your love life will not be too great, but, eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose: Black - Your life will take on a different direction,it will seem hard at the time, but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White - You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
California - You like adventure
Florida - You are a laid back person
8. If you chose:
Lake - You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean - You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Well that was interesting. I apologize if any of the colors are off and unreadable. I got this from Chelle who got it from Jaimie. More in a minute. Hope you enjoyed this complete waste of my time (and yours I'm sure).

Love always,
Vickey

Sunday Brunch (on a Sunday after visitation! Holy crap!)

"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men."
-Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

1)    What is your favorite flavor of M&Ms? Regular, the red ones or almond, the blue ones
2)    Is there a special edition of candy that you wish they would make a permanent item on the shelves? Oh, gosh. I don't know.
3)    What is your favorite flavor of Hershey’s Kisses?Almond
4)    What is your favorite candy bar? Baby ruth & Hershey's w/almonds (Can you tell I like chocolate and almonds?)
5)    Do you prefer milk chocolate, dark chocolate or white chocolate? Dark chocolate. Special dark Hershey's chocolate. Mmmmm..... It's devine, I tell you, devine.

 

Need to go get some chocolate now.... Arrivederci until my next entry.

Love always,
Vickey

Telling Liz & Chocoholism

I told Liz L about the whole marker thing. She basically flipped. 100% worried. She was then worried about talking to me about her issues b/c she thought it might trigger me. She was wrong and I told her so. She opened back up which is good since she needs someone to talk to. I'm glad to listen.

This chocaholic is going to go read Bridget Jones's Diary & pack for her mom's before she hits the hay. I'll try to write a quick entry in the morning but if I don't get to it, I will be back Sunday or Monday. Don't miss me too much, kay? hehe ^_^

Oh, before I go, would y'all do me a favor? Go visit Brandon over at his blog. I know he'd love it & I would really appreciate it. Now seriously.... I've gotta go.

Love always,
The chocoholic sitting here in her sweats

Nails and abductions

Feeling: annoyed that AOL doesn't have more options for my emotions

My nails are chipped. No, I'm not saying this because I think you care about each little detail of my life. There is a purpose. My nails are blood red. Written across them (in black if you must know) are the words "My God Jesus". It seems... *searches for the right word* ironic? Poetic? I don't know. It just seems odd esp. b/c this nail polish never chips. Seems like it's saying, "I died for you. My blood was spilt for you to show my love." And it's also saying, "This is your faith, Victoria. Should be stronger and is at spots (4 nails haven't chipped) but it could be stronger, should be stronger." Maybe I'm nuts. Maybe I'm the sane one. Wouldn't that be scary? The girl surviving on pop tarts an dwater by choice is the sane one. Well, I'm not more insane than Julia Butterfly Hill (my hero, by the way).

Unrelated topic: Anybody remember Kalie Polton? Five year old Rochesterian girl who was abducted and killed. She would be 14 or 15 now. My age. She lived in my aunt's complex when she was kidnapped. I made signs out of post-it notes and stuck them to my dad's dart board. "Help Kalie" "Find Kalie" "We miss you, Kalie" Yes, I was an odd child.

I had a dream once about Elizabeth Smart. I dreamt that I ws her an dmy sisters and I decided to run away. We wore burkas and hid for years just off my property in the bushes. We were all blonde. We tried to walk through the McDonald's drive thru only no cars were there and all it was was the order menu and the window. It was odd. I hadn't heard of Elizabeth at that point. I sure didn't know she was blonde. I found out about her a few months after my dream and then deduced that I had been her in my dream from pictures of her and what I had looked like in my dream.

Love always,
Vickey

weirdness & symptom to a problem

Life is weird, isn't it? I get to experience that weirdness by myself for most of the day. Yea, I have school and people in it but I feel alone for some reason. I want to feel connected, to be goofing off with my friends at Starbucks or wherever. Actually, not Starbucks. Cool Beans is better. Mom's is even betterer. Anyhow, afterschool, I'm going to the library until 5 then home and dinner. Eventually, Dad's leaving to go out with Gail and I"m staying home alone. :D I don't want to deal with Dad.

Sunday. I'm worried about Sundays. Sunday to me is now synonomous with the urge to cut and fighting with Dad. No longer is it worshipping God and going to church. It has nothing to do with spirituality anymore. I think I'll spend every Sunday locked in my room reading my Bible and writing. Or in Dad's room watching tv and doing homework. :[ Ignoring Dad and thus not fighting with him should fix the problem. Not the problem but the symptom. I still need a counselor, symptom or no. The fact is I've felt like cutting myself. Not healthy. Need to solve the whole problem, not the symptom.

Anybody care to learn about the minerals of NY for me? Yup, it's time for class. Arrivederci.

Self-mutilation and a movie

Allow me to say that as I type this in here, I'm eating chocolate! I'm so menstrual. (Sorry guys!) Now, for the entry I wrote earlier. Actually, it's last night's entry.... Enjoy!

I had another firght with my dad. Over something dull. I believe the topic was who left the computer on or some other stupid affair. All I wanted to do was..................... make him leave me alone so I could.......................................................................... watch my movie. Huzzah! I would far rather feel the urge to watch a movie than to self-injure/mutilate/harm or whatever word you care to use. I think I need to use the term self-mutilate because I have a problem with it. Part of me needs to accept that even snapping a rubber band on my wrist can be portrayed as self-mutilation.

 

I just kind of trailed off there. On to the next entry, I guess.... Read on...

Twenty Questions

1. What's your favorite Halloween candy? Baby Ruth's

2.You're stranded on a tropical island with 2 people. One is really attractive but dumb as a post and the other is smart and funny but not that attractive who do you spend your time with? The smart but not so attractive one because I like having good conversations

3.What color is your toothbrush? Ummm.... blue and clear?

4. Have you or a friend ever seen a ghost? No but I've felt one.

5. What's your favorite horror movie? Don't watch many but loved every one Liz & I watched that one night (don't remember any names of them)

6. Have you ever met the person you thought was the one? Not yet (though I did think I was in love).

7. Whose your favorite stand-up comic? Bill Engavil (sp?) the one with the "Here's your sign" jokes

8.Have you ever asked someone out? Not yet.

9. What's your least favorite color? Puce

10. Are there any celebrities you have a crush on? Far too many

11. What's your favorite holiday special cartoon? My favorite? As in one? The one with the heat/cold miser, I guess

12. What was the last cd you bought? I think it was "Naked Truth" by Sarah Hudson

13. What's your favorite song? It changes often. Currently (as in for about a week now) I've been obsessed with "I'm a Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

14. Microwave popcorn or potato chips? Extra buttery popcorn or chips with french onion dip

15.  If you had one day to do whatever you wanted what would you do? Whatever I want? I'd either wake up early to watch the sunrise as I took a walk, come back and shower to warm up/cool down depending on the weather. Then, I'd get together with my friends and have fun watching movies and goofing off. That night, I'd go to youth group (yes, I do seriously love it!) and when I came home, I'd take a bubble bath and then lay in my bed with a good Sparks book and read until I fell asleep. If I didn't do that, I'd sleep until noon and then read for hours until I dragged my butt out to get dressed and go to youth group. When I came home, I'd get back into my pajamas and go to bed. Yes, I'd sleep a lot. Either way, youth group would be involved, as you can see.

16. What was your favorite tv show as a child? Define child. Let's see...Various favorite shows through the years.... Simpsons, Friends, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Snick, TGIF.... the list goes on

17. What the first thing you notice about a person? Eyes, hair, smile - if facing me. if facing away from me-take a wild guess...

18. What was your first date like? I'll tell you when I have it.

19. Where was the last place you went out to eat or the last place you ordered take out from? Does pizza count as take out? If so, Mark's. If not, I can't remember.

20. What did you have to eat? Pizza or unknown

 

This is compliments of Dawn at Lifes daily Adventures. Arrivederci.

Love always,
Vickey

Weekend Assignment

Gosh does it ever feel good to be able to do one of these again. I know I only missed two or three but it feels like more. Here's the assignment:

Weekend Assignment #33: You can have any person, past or present, sing any song for you that you want. What is the song, and who is singing it for you?

Extra credit: Name a singer you wish you could sing like, but can't. So that means even those of you with excellent voices have to pick someone you can't sing like.

 

Any song and any person? Wow. Lots of choices here. The song would have to be "You Can't Hide Beautiful" by Aaron Lines. I actually met him and got his autograph which he signed "You can't hide beautiful -Aaron Lines". That meant a lot to my little eighth (or was it seventh?) grade self. Anyhow, I would want my husband-fiancee to sing it to me. The song is him telling his girl how no matter how she looks or what she wears, she's beautiful and she can't hide it. It's a very sweet song. Being the romantic that I am, I would want my guy to sing it to me. Though I'm sure he would tell me how much he loves me and that I'm beautiful, somehow this song always gets me. This one and a few others but, I won't get into those right now since most of them are sad.

Extra credit: I would love to be able to sing like so many people. To pick just one is hard. Reba McEntire would probably be the one I would choose. Her voice is amazing. It's clear and free. She knows which notes she can hit and which ones she can't so her songs are never way up there. I've loved her since I was little. I could go on and on about people I'd like to sing like just because I've heard them since I was young. One other person that I will mention is Jewel (and a few other people seem to agree with me). Her voice is great. Her songs always fit how I feel. Pieces of You (the CD) is great. As is 0304. Though they are totally different.

It's great to be back. Amazing, in fact. My first weekend assignment in for ever and I found my CD player. How perfect is this?

Love always,
Vickey