Feeling: Wistful
Hearing: Talking of my classmates
I'm writing this on a paper around a comic my science teacher gave me. It's awful. Bert and Ernie, the Count, Oscar the Grouch, Elmo, and Cookie Monster are sitting around a table for Thanksgiving dinner. Dinner is...... Big Bird! How gross. You don't eat Big Bird.
Anyhow, I love my heart necklace. I'm wearing it right now. It's just a little silver, tarnished heart on a chain but it means the world to me. Whenever my mom went out of town, she typically left a note for my brother and I. In mine, it said something like, "Don't forget your heart necklace. It's in my vanity. I already have mine on." So it reminds me of Mom. I figure she's not here, she's out of town so I should have been wearing it for the past three years but I haven't so I'm starting now. Mine is tarnished. When I was little, I put it in my mouth and sucked on it. I don't know why. I still do, actually. Mom doesn't wear hers but Sami would pull it off so It's okay.
Speaking of Sami, I had another dream last night. I was driving a car. It was my mom's car, a white '94 Pontiac Sunbird convertible. The traffic was awful. The cars ahead of me crashed and the car just stopped. I don't remember putting my foot down on the break. It wasn't sudden or anything, it was just a quick stop. I got out and took Sami with me (She had been in the backseat). I got out and walked about 100 yards down to the exit ramp with her over my shoulder. I decided I didn't want to walk so I turned around and went back to the car. Multiple cars had now crashed but, luckily mine wasn't involved. I could see it clearly but there were cars just inches from the car, in awful condition. I put Sami in the back (it was her old blue and tan carseat). But, I didn't have to open the door. There was a door but, it just opened itself without me seeing it open. So, I got in and drove (I don't remember getting in the car, just being behind the wheel). I decided to head for the exit ramp since it was clear. Then, I woke up. When I finish with my other stuff, I'm going to look it up and see if it means anything.
Oh, my talk with Dad. Did I tell you about that? [Note: this was written before the talk occured.] When I get home, before I do anything, he wants to talk to me. To help me fix this if he can. Sweet, I know. Shows he love me. BUT he can't. He can't help me not want to cut myself and I'm not ready to tell him. Mom knows everything first. If she doesn't know about this, he won't. Just because I'm more comfortable with her. I'm worried that nobody will believe me. I have no physical scars. Sometimes I think about doing it so I can have proof that I did, that I'm not making this up. Yesterday, I was at Lindz's and Sean, Arthur, and Matt were there. They wanted to watch the video (that Lindz brought up) Eric had taped Homecomng Weekend. I told them, "Don't you f***ing dare. I swear you will die if you play it." Well, Lindz didn't tell them where it was but, they found it. They played it (despite me). I went into the bathroom. Two reasons for going in there. One: I had to use it. Two: I was not about to watch that. I thought I could handle listening to it, but nope. So, I'm in the bathroom and I finish my business. I hear Lindz say, "Yea, I made out with him (Eric) and I gave him a handjob." She sounded so remorseful. ::sarcasm::(Gosh, am I being careful with my wording or what? She reads this regularly. Sorry, babe but these are my feelings. Uncensored.) She knocks on the bathroom door as I was looking into the mirror, thinking. "Vick? Are you okay?" Well, let's see. If you had just heard your best friend say, unremorsefully, that s/he gave your ex-love a handjob or similar, would you be okay? "Yea, Lindz. I'm fine." because I knew she meant had I hurt myself. "Open the door, Vickey." "Lindz, I'm fine." "Unlock the door. Let me in." *unlocks door half laughing* "I'm fine, Lindz. See?" *shows her my arms* "Lemme see your legs." *laughing, shows her my legs* "Stomach." "You're kidding me, right?" "No, S**** did it on her stomach. Stomach." *shows her my stomach* "See, my back, too?" *shows her my back* Not so much as a scratch on 'em. To be honest, the thought had hardly crossed my mind. "Okay, you're fine." No, I'm not! You gave the guy I loved a handjob! I'm not fine! It's been nearly two months. I'm not okay yet. I'm still coming to terms with it al. I cried over that video. I heard two words of it and I cried. Those two words were Eric saying, "Hey, Jon." He's still in my system. He won't get out. I'm movin on but I'm not over him yet. I'm still in love with him. Well, not him but the idea of him. Enough reminising about the guy he used to be. Until later.....
Feeling: Frustrated and a bit sad
Hearing: Deana Carter- Did I Shave My Legs For This?
Hey, y'all. It's later and I just yelled at Lindz about Jon. Here's how the convo went:
HopelessBlondie [6:19 PM]: if heartaches and tears are part of the deal you can count me out
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:19 PM]: yeah
HopelessBlondie [6:21 PM]: --- wish i'd said that to jon. why won't he leave me alone? i haven't spoken to him in over a month and he wont leave me alone. he keeps invading my headspace. i want it for myself. i want him out of it. i want him gone. i want him & the idea of him to just leave me the h*ll alone. i want my life back. i want my thoughts my head my life. i want all that without him. i want my sanity. i want to be able to watch that video w/o crying my eyes out. i want to be able to hear it without crying. i want him to...
HopelessBlondie [6:21 PM]: leave me alone BUT i want him back. i want what i once had w/him but, i know that'll never happen. i want my life back. I WANT MY FREAKIN LIFE BACK, JON!
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HopelessBlondie [6:22 PM]: sry. i just want my f***ing life back.
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]: AHHHHH
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:22 PM]: MATT IS TICKLING ME!!!
HopelessBlondie [6:22 PM]: f*** off matt.
HopelessBlondie [6:23 PM]: (sry. i'm p*$$y right now)
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 [6:23 PM]: OT OH!
BaNaNaCHiCKeN555 is away at 6:24 PM
As I wrote that, I couldn't stop. I was possessed. I just had to keep typing out my frustration. I've been thinking about Jon a lot lately and I don't know why. Hmmm.... I'm off to eat dinner (nachos! Yum!) but, I'll tell ya about the talk I had with my dad later. Oh, and I'll update you on what "bad thing" Lindz did. Arrivederci.
Love always,
Vickey
3 comments:
hey babi girl! ok when i said "i gave him a handjob" what i really ment was he stuffed my hand down his pants..... which is true.... i didnt mean to hurt you at all.... no i didnt do it willingly.... VICTORIA ELIZABETH LAPOINTE!!! I LOVE YOU!!! AND IM SORRY your whatever i am these days to you.... lindz
You heart charm is sweet, I still wear the charms my dad gave me when I was a baby...it's a comfort ;)
You don't have to prove yourself, you don't have to have scars outside to have them inside. I don't have one scar on my body from it, but inside...everything's on the inside.
Boys will come and go darling but that doesn't mean it feels okay when something happens with one of your friends. Just because you're not with him anymore doesn't mean you've completely extinguished all flames. It hurts a lot, it usually does. The ties of friendship between girls are tight, that doesn't mean mistakes won't be made though. She sounds like a friend that cares about you so I'd say let her know that this is bugging you and you need her.
*I love that song!*--going to find it now ;)
xoxo~Bernadette
**SIGH** First loves. Ummmmm... first marember dat you is a Picies and so you live and think with your heart… unlike most boys and men who think with their… well forget that. Keep it in mind and don't let it rule your life. Yeah right such simple advice that is. HA! Somehow a piece of my heart still belongs to my first love and the intensity of that infatuation. She'll always own a piece of it, even though I've long time moved on and have finally found my soul mate.
Lidz sounds like the real deal of a friend.. goofy, loveable, someone to tell secrets to, but also human and susceptible to the whims of horney boys and her own hormones as well. Plus she's been blessed with a little ADHD on the side. WHEW!! So.... do ya want to keep the flame of this friendship alive? ... choice is partly yours. As for the video... don't watch it for awhile... weeks, months, years. Why watch it if it bums ya? Put some time behind it.
Can't wait to read about your chat with dad. He must have been scares sh**less. Probably tried to get up the courage to do the chat for weeks, wondering what the hell to say. I've been there.
Hey gots ta run... literally.... workout time. Till later. Take care mylady and be well. Thinking bout cha and wishing you and yours blessings and good vibes. Toodles.
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