Part of me wants to grow up. Stay a kid. Be sexy and have the guys stare. Be modest and hold out for my husband. Stay single. Get a boyfriend. Stay with Dad. Live with Mom. It's a constant conflict going on inside me. I don't know which to choose ever. So I don't. I just do whatever comes. Whatever is easiest. It was easier to say no than yes. Easier to stay with Dad than move. Easier to buy skimpier-ish clothes than look for modest ones. Easier to conform than be myself. But I think I want to be modest and myself. And I may want to live with Mom. So do I go for ease or truth? Do I write exactly what I feel everytime? No, I don't. I'm as truthful as I can be but, it's hard to bare my soul. Writing what happened each day is easy but, how many of you would come back if this read, "I got up. Dressed and brushed my teeth. School. Flunked the English test. Came home. Did homework. Watched TV. Got online. Lindz is sleeping over. Time for bed."? Not many, I bet. I'd never come back to write it. I write to bare my soul, to get it all out, but I write to protect myself, to cover up. I can write a poem about some guy and read it to him. He never has to know its about him but I've still bared my soul. He just doesn't know. Homecoming Weekend, that first weekend in October. I wrote a poem called "He Lies to My Face". Jon read it. He suspected, correctly, that it was about him but I never confirmed it. He never knew how I felt. Probably never will. I know I wrote that confession thing but he doesn't know the address of this blog, doesn't even know I have a blog. But other people in my life do. Whenever I write, they're who I'm concerned about. Yes, I worry about if I should let a bunch of people who are (virtually) strangers know this, if I'm okay with letting people I've never spoken to read my innermost thoughts but part of me is safer with that than with giving my friends the address. If I know somebody reads this from my school or somebody I know from somewhere else, I worry differently. I worry how (or if) they'll react, I worry who they'll tell and what those people will think. I worry that what I write will hurt them in some way. I don't want to worry. I want to write without the slightest bit of fear of what others will think. I want to be who I truly am inside. I want to know who I am inside. But in this world, how can I? If I feel like wearing al goth one day and all prep the next, I'll be labeled a freak, a poser. I'll never truly be able to be myself unless other people accept it. I may be confident overall but I'm not quite courageous. I'm traped within a life in which I cannot truly be who I am because I'm afraid of what others will think. No one really knows who I am, even Lindz and she knows me inside out and backwards. Hell, ahlf the time, I don't know who I am.
Well, all I know right now is I have church in the morning and it's 11:56 pm. I'd better get some sleep. Thank you so very much for listening.
Love always,
Vickey <3
1 comment:
Only two people I know, know that I write a journal. One is my husband, and he doesn't care to read it - thinks I write 'got up, had bath, drank tea, took J to school, came back' etc etc!! The other is my best friend/cousin in America, and she writes a journal too. I would hate to think that others in my family knew about it. It is easier to write about your feelings if you think it's just a bunch of strangers reading it - though those strangers do become your friends after a while too! I have a feeling that you will figure it all out, in time, and that you have great things ahead of you my dear Victoria :o)
Sara x
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