I'm sittin at Lindz's dad's house using the computer. Lindz is asleep but, I decided to let her sleep. I'll vent here instead. I know I do a lot of that and for that I am truly sorry. I know that you all deserve to come here and have happy thoughts, not worrying ones. I'd love to be able to do that but, writing is my outlet and this is an easy place to pound out the keys. Perhaps I should write to Lightheart instead. (Lightheart is the name I gave my diary last year. I came up with that name because at the time I had just finished a book about a unicorn named Lightfoot from the land of Luster. It was great and I became obsessed about unicorns again.) Well, for now, this is going to be my outlet. At least tonight.
I did it again. Dad was standing right there and he was making me mad and I grabbed the marker on my desk and I stormed past him into the bathroom and I took the cap off it. I had it a centimeter away from my arm and he was right outside the door talking and pissing me off more and I thought of you all and the comments I've received and how I didn't want to and I thought "Do I really want to do this?" then I scared the crap out of myself and thought, "It's this or the razor." and I choose the marker. Three lines and the word "leave". It didn't calm me down as it had the first time and that scared me. In order to calm down, I scratched my arm. The marker was then thrown across the bathroom. He asked me what I was doing with the marker and I said nothing. He pushed the door in (I had been leaning against it). When it became apparent that he would obviously win this battle of strength, I sprang up and grabbed the marker putting it behind my back as I leaned against the tub. My sleeves were still up so my arm was behind my back.
What were you doing with the marker?
Nothing. *pulls sleeves down*
I saw you grab it. What were you doing?
Nothing.
I heard you with it. I heard you. What did you write on your arms.
Nothing, okay? Leave me alone. I have to pee. Here. *chucks marker at him* Now get out.
That's what you said when you came in here.
Yea, well, I have to pee. Leave me alone.
A struggle insued when he wouldn't get out. I pushed past him into my room and he followed. He wouldn't get out of the doorway so I tried to duck beneath his arm, beside his leg to get out.
You're a strong little sh** for someone who has no meat on her a**. (What kind of a father says that about their daughter's butt?)
I eventually shoved past him and got into the downstairs bathroom. I sat on the toilet and cried. I cried because he knew. I cried because I lied. I cried because this whole mess started. I cried because I had to get it all out. I haven't cried since before October 17th unless I was in physical pain (when I dropped the can of shaving gel on my foot yesterday, for example).
What time are we leaving?
After I take your brother over. 5:45 or so.
What time is it now?
5:10
I'm taking a quick shower.
Really quick. I still have to get in and get ready for work.
Proceeded to go upstairs and get in the shower. Scrubbed all evidence off my arm. It came off quite easily, for which I was glad. I can't even see it and I know it was there. I have to go for the moment but, will continue the saga later.
Love always,
Vickey
3 comments:
I for one am glad you feel comfortable to vent in your journal and accept our comments for what they are, signs that people out here care about you, wish you well, and are here if and when you need to vent. So I hope you keep on doing it. If I want to read something sweet and nice and all happy I can go to www.happythoughts.com.
Hey do you think there really IS such a site?! Hilarious if there was hu? Like a place where everything is happy, cheerful, and pleasant. Would feel a bit like Disney or something don’t you think? Life just aint that way. But feel free to run some happy and cheerful thoughts through your neural net from time to time. Keep venting. Feel free to email me your venting rants. Tis fine. Toodles.
May I offer some advice in dealings with your dad?...Speaking as a parent, I understand that he's worried about you and wants to know what's going on in your life. As someone who not long ago was a teenage girl, I understand that you want your privacy and you don't think he'll even understand half of what you go through. From a woman's point of view, he probably won't understand half of what you go through.
To make life a little easier you're going to have to find a compromise, right? My suggestion is do it on your terms so that you're okay with it, he doesn't have to know everything but if you give him something it'll make a big difference. Think about some of the things you can tell him and 'talk' to him about regularly, some stuff may be better saved for your mom<let dad know that's *girl* stuff>. Then sit down with him and have that 'talk' and let him know that you're willing to open this up to him...it's trying, it's a start.
You're in my thoughts*Best wishes doll ;)
xoxo~B
I think that arguing with your parents is pretty much a sure thing when you're a teenager! I know I argued alot with my Dad. Parents must have a hard time, going from knowing every little detail about you, to having to learn to trust that you are doing OK, without you telling them your private stuff anymore. I can understand why you don't want to talk to your Dad about the marker pen stuff, maybe if you did though, he would be able to help you, or at least keep the arguing down. Am sure he's just worried about you. Take care hon, and make sure you keep talking about it to someone. Whether it's Lindz, or a counsillor, talking can only be good.
Sara x
Post a Comment