Yesterday-beginning period 2 ending period nine

Feeling: like you should read on to find out (since I list it in the next sentence)

I feel like having a breakdown. (See? I told ya.) A complete mental, physical, and emotional breakdown. I feel like I'm about to sleep. To pick up my books and hurl them at the wall. To scream and yell and go insane. I feel like breaking down. Like laying down on my bed with fuzz over my legs and my head on my pillow and crying. Gut-wrenching, heart tearing, tear drenched sobs for hours and f***ing ours until I fall asleep, exhausted. I feel like slitting my wrists. I feel hopeless, f***ing hopeless. Life does not seem worth it. Don't misinterpret this. You don't need to call the hospital and get me on suicide watch but I feel awful. I feel awful. Just when I was thinking that I'm okay, that I don't need meds or therapy, I decide that the bottle of pills looks appealing. I just want to escape. I know suicide is only a permanent answer to a temporary problem but I don't have a flying f*** of a clue as to how to deal with this. Lemme guess, I have to open up to him, to talk. Well, I don't want to. The times I have he didn't listen. I tried. I'm not dealing with it anymore. I deserve to be happy. I can't be happy at my Dad's. It's not possible at this point in my life. I don't expect moving in with Mom to magically fix everything. I still need help but at the moment the symptom is easier to treat than the problem. Well, one of the symptoms. When I'm at my mom's, I don't think about him. I play with my sister and talk with my mom and deal with my stepdad (who seems slightly uncomfortable around me). I don't want the symptoms to completely disappear because then I may think the problem is gone but its there. Laying in wait to get me when I least expect it. I want to treat it and deal with it and know how to cope with life without the marker or the razor being used or wanted except to creat a work of art or to shave my legs. I just want to be healthy. To be alright. I want to get past this and survive. My "survivor marks" are inside for now. I want them to stay that way. Not that I want to internalize my pain. I just dont want the temptation to increase so much that I give in. I need to find a better, faster, safer, easier, way to calm down. I just wish that my abliities would let me see that in my future I am safe and happy and over it. But my ability hasn't let me know my future yet so why should it start now? It lets me be scared and be knowlegeable but it hasn't reassured me yet.

Remember the dream world(s) you created when you were young? Or the ones you create now (aka fantasies)? I want to go live in one. A happy one. WIth unicorns, please. Luster. Without the evil creatures, thank you very much. I think I"m going to wind up with a much lower average from all the daydreaming. Did I mention that? My average was 94.13%. High honor roll. A+ to A- range. INcluding gym. That's it. Time to daydream about something. Which fantasy shall I use? French, Italian, Spanish, English, Southern, cowboy, or pirate? Or something else? Hmmmm.... off to ponder. (BTW: I feel much better. Breakdown on hold, mental razor away, real one was never out, and mental pills back in the cabinet, real ones were always in there.)

Love always,
Vickey