I can't do this...

I'm mad. I'm so mad today. Lately actually. I get pissed off by the slightest things. Mostly at a friend that really needs me. I know she needs me but I'm dealing with my own shit and I don't feel I can deal with hers too. It's so tough lately to just be who I am. To offer advice and a shoulder to cry on. I feel like that's all I am to some people. I'm sick of it and I can't deal with it. All she did was say one simple thing that in a different mood I could have taken differently but in my anger at everything, I snapped. I put up an away so I wouldn't yell at her saying "not doin this". And that's just it. I'm not doing it.

My life is in shambles right now. At least it feels like it. I've got so much to deal with right now and it's tough to deal with my own shit let alone hers. And her shit is BIG today. It's huge. (Basically, that friend I've mentioned a few times? The one who got pregnant? She lost the baby.) I can't deal with this. I've become a mother to everyone I know. And I don't mind this when mothering is balanced with hanging. But it's not. With this friend (I'll call her Betty b/c I'm sick of writing friend and b/c that's what I called her in my private J), it's all mothering and supporting and helping her through. Guess what? I can't do it anymore.

She's the one who was irresponsible enough to have sex without a condom or any form of birth control, why should I have to help her through this? Why is it *my* responsibility? We never hang out anymore. We never just act our age anymore. We're 15. Hell, she's younger than I am. We're supposed to be immature and irresponsible at least some of the time but I haven't talked to Betty in a long time when there wasn't an undercurrent of seriousness. Yes, I LOVE serious discussions. I love debates and arguments about frivilous things. But what happened to just laughing our heads off at nothing? To just sitting around drinking coke and eating pizza without a care in the world? Or where our most serious discussions were on whether or not so-and-so likes us or not and the occasional "I'm so gonna flunk English" comment quickly followed up with easy reassurance and general comments that could apply to anyone and any subject.

Last winter, Betty and I were out front at her house. We had a snowball fight. In just jeans and sweatshirts. We were freezing. But we laughed the day away. And when we got inside (freezing and a risk for hypothermia), we got changed and warmed our butts up. But we were just being kids. Just having fun. Just being immature and getting soaked to the bone without realizing until after the fact that we probably could have gotten ourselves put into Strong Hospital with hypothermia. The point is we were just acting like kids. Just being ourselves. We haven't done that in a long long time. In at least two months. I've done it with other people (like that leaf fight I had with Ron or playing tag on the beach at Jack's birthday party) but I haven't done it with her. And that is the difference. No relationship can sustain constant seriousness or constant mothering. That is what our friendship is trying to deal with right now.

I don't know if we'll survive. I truly hope so because she is a very very close friend. But between dealing with all the death of the recent past and falling behind in school and my family and *everything* that I am, I cannot handle helping her through her miscarriage as well. I just can't handle that too. I've got an away message up right now on AIM. This is most of what it says, "i'm sick of dealing with everyone else's problems when i can't even deal with mine. so until i can, i'm not dealing with your isht. find somebody else. i'm sorry but this is the way it has to be for a while. til my life gets back on track, i can't help you."

So Betty, if you're reading this, I don't mean to snap or go away randomly. When I go away randomly, that's me trying not to unleash all the termoil within *me* on you. Kinda like you did the other night. I'm just trying not to take everything out on you. I take it out on my journals instead. Now, if you want me to snap at you, let me know and I will not hesistate to scream my flipping head off at you. No problems with that. But I have the feeling that such an action would only add to your problems and I don't want to do that. I may not be able to help you right now but, I sure can refrain from consciously adding to your shit.

Until my life is more on track than it is right now and until my emotions are in check, I cannot help you, Betty. That's just the way it's gotta be for right now. Talk to somebody else because I can't deal with it right now. Maybe that's selfish of me and maybe that's mean or cruel or whathaveyou but, I cannot help you. I cannot help anyone until I help myself. For this I am sorry because my role is advice giver and comforter and "mother" mostly. I cannot fill my role for you right now. I cannot deal with a problem so big when my own problems are currently rising up to choke me. My head is barely above water and if I try to take on your problems, I'll drown. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Get a shrink, talk to your guidance counselor, talk to one of your other friends. I'll let you know when I can deal again. For now, I'm sorry but I can't. I just can't do this anymore. I can't help everyone else at the sacrifice of myself. Just like that night I stayed up til 2am and helped keep one of our friends from killing herself and suffered for it the next day, I cannot help you and suffer for it. You need help. You need *professional* help. I am not a professional. I'm just a fifteen year old girl with insecurities and doubts and worries and problems of her own who cannot add yours to an already staggering load.

This is not to say that I don't want to be your friend. I do. I'm not throwing away our friendship because I am overwhelmed. I just can't deal with the seriousness as much as you expect me to. I can't save you from this fate any more than you can. Talk to God. Go back to church. Talk to a shrink. But I am not your counselor. I am your friend and as such I reserve the right to have my own life and not be suffocated by the problems of others including yourself. If you can deal with that, let me know. If not, I don't know. I hate to lay down an ultimatium and I'm not but, I can't deal with your shit on top of my own. I'm sorry.

Thank you all for listening and for being there. I'm sorry I haven't written much lately. I've got about a billion entries I owe you all and I promise to get to them soon. I'm also trying to catch up with entries. I've got something like 138 of them to read. Plus FLYlady stuff and Holiday Cruise isht. That's it for right now. I love you all.

Vickey