Smokey

I finally saw it. The place where they buried my baby. They did some work on it and there's a wall and a bench and what not. Gramma was going to take me out there and show it to me but, I said "maybe later". Well, when she went to bed, I went out and gathered up all my courage and walked out. I had no clue where it was so I just kinda walked. I saw a bench and I figured it was over there. So I tried to hold back the tears and I walked over to this patch of overturned dirt and thought for a minute it was that. It wasn't. I continued walking to the bench. I just kinda walked for a minute and looked. I didn't know where she was and there wasn't a marker that said "Smokey" on it or whatever so I just kinda cried and went back in feeling guilty. I don't even know where my baby is buried. I know she's buried over there and I want to know where there but, I don't want to break down in front of any one. I know that if I go out there with Gramma and she shows me where Smokey is that I'll start crying and she'll try to make me feel better and I don't want that. I want to go out there and sit there and cry and cry and cry until I'm over her. At least until I'm over her more so than I am now. I miss her. She's been gone for more than five months and I don't think about her every day (and I feel horrible about that sometimes) and the ache isn't as bad. I can look at the picture of her and I that I framed (in a paper frame that says "Best Friends") and not cry and not be sad. But then I think about it. About the fact that my baby is gone. About the fact that I don't know quite where she's buried. About the fact that I've lived on this earth for only 15 and a half years and I've got probably three times that much left. I have to live something like the next three-fourths of my life without her. Yes, I've got Zuri. But when I'm 30, Zuri'll probably follow Dutchess, Smokey, and Tiger (and by that point probably Chyna too) into the grave. And yeah, when I'm thirty I'll probably be married and have kids but Zuri'll still be my baby just like Smokey will always be my baby. And I'll be alone. I'll get another cat maybe. Or I'll already have one. But my last tie to my youth will be gone. Human friends are great, don't get me wrong. Y'all are amazing. But animals are different. Humans grow and change just like you. Animals grow and change but, there's something about them that stays that way. Zuri'll be more a relic of when I was fifteen than Lindz will be (if I'm still friends with her). Smokey was my tie to when I was a baby. Before I remember. I vaguely remember getting Tiger. Smokey was *the* animal I got before I remember. There will never be another animal I get before I remember. Smokey's gone and even though I don't bawl when I see her picture, I'm bawling now. If I'm still crying (occasionally) about Dutchess, I'll still be crying about Smokey until forever. I had Dutchess only a year. I had Smokey for fifteen. Thanks for listening to the rambles of a crying girl. I'll be okay. I'm not crying anymore. I swear. Thank you for listening. I am forever endebted.

Vickey