I lied.

From a FLYlady essay

We cannot ever change what happened to us
as a child, teenager or a young adult. For that matter we can't
change what happened yesterday, so why do we fret about it? This is
why I keep telling you that you are never behind, jump in where we
are and just start. Don't beat yourself up about what might have
been, look at what you can accomplish today. We have spent too many
years feeling sorry for ourselves and whining that I just can't help
it. "I was abused!" Well it is time to accept those bad things as
just something that happened and use them as a guide to a better way
of life. Looking back is only keeping you from experiencing the gift
that is yours today. Your present can be the joy that you have been
searching for, if you will just let go of your past and get on with
living, instead of wallowing in self-pity and pain.

Talk about a God Breeze. I've been beating myself up over yesterday afternoon and cringing every time I see the e-mail he wrote me back and every time I saw his sn signed on or the e-mail I wrote to him. Guess what? I can't change how I reacted. I can't change what happened and guess what? I reacted how I did for a reason. Because I'm not ready to kiss a guy. Because when I do have my first kiss, I want it to be with someone I love. Or at least have a SERIOUS crush on AND AM DATING. I want my first kiss to be with the boy I'm dating at the time. I'm not going to go try to find a guy and go out with him just to kiss him but I'm going to kiss a guy only when he becomes my boyfriend. Maybe not right away but, eventually. I can wait until I feel like it's right. I can wait until it's spontaneous and romantic. I can wait until it's the right guy at the right time in the right place. Murph is not the right guy, yesterday was not the right time, and my doorway with my dad and brother about 10 feet away is not the right place. See, there's a reason I didn't get to my e-mails for so long. There's a reason I had filed them away. There's a reason I got to them tonight. There's a reason for everything. I can't change what happened. I can't go back in time and redo it. If I could, I still wouldn't kiss him. Yes, he leaves tomorrow for college. Yes, I may not see him for a long time. But no, I will not sacrifice the sanctity of a first kiss just because he's leaving. It's like in Grease 2 (which sucks by the way) when the guy tries to convince his girlfriend to "do it for our country, our country wants us to". He says he might be going away to be drafted any day. Murph *is* going away but I'm not going to be convinced to kiss him just because of that. It's not worth it. My first kiss is just as special as my first time being intimate. I'm not going to throw my kisses away. I intend to keep them as special. Any how, I can't change what happened and I can't go back in time. But that's okay. For the first time since he left, I feel at peace with myself and with my choices.

I wonder which journal I'll post this in. Hmmm.... let's see.... possibilities: Xanga, LJ, A Moment That Is Mine, or Ma Serie de Crises. If Xanga, protected, private, or public? (Protected means nothing as I have no one on that list as of yet.) If LJ, private, public, or friends? I could do Xanga public to watch Jake squirm but this isn't the sort of thing I post in there. I could do LJ friends but, I don't think I want to reveal this God Breeze to them. I'll probably end up posting it in A Moment That Is Mine seeing as he no longer reads that as per my request. Oh, and I'll post the e-mails I mentioned earlier in this entry too. Guess it's A Moment That Is Mine. Y'all know (almost) everything about me anyhow. Kay, time for bed. Or more accuratly, time to clean up the bathroom from my bath and then bed. Good night and sweet dreams, all. (Note to self: learn to say that in French or Italian.)
Vickey