I'm at the library and I'm trying to get as much dokne as possible before 3:20. You see, at 3:20, I have to call Dad and tell him I'm at the library and not the high school. Now, old entries....
5/9
I'm kind of depressed right now. I'm stressed and tense and sad. I sparknoted my whole english assignment. For about two months, I've been having trouble breathing and my back has hurt. I'm not complaining, just stating. Two months ago today, Smokey passed. Ya know what? I utterly refuse REFUSE to shatter. "I may crack but I'll never shatter/I may crack but it doesn't matter."
Even when I'm happy, there's a layer of sad wrapped around my heart. I've been battling some form of depression on and off since fifth grade. But I can't remember it feeling so permenant or entrapping ever. I can't remember this layer of sad closing over my heart. My shrink says I have chronic stress, depression, and anxiety. She also told me a dear friend tried to kill herself for attention. I am stressed and I am depressed and I don't know about the anxiety because I don't know quite what that means.
I just want my life back. Before Jon changed, before cutting and anorexia entered my life, before Smokey passed, before this sadness enveloped my life, before I realized the kind of man my father truly is, before I had to have a plan to get out if I need to, before all this chaos, before I even CONSIDERED using sex, drugs, cutting, or anorexia to rebel, before I stopped going to youth group, before my grades became a struggle, before my life became only blogging and homework, before headaches lasted for days, before breathing was a struggle, before my back hurt daily, before eating was an option, before I'd spend 20 minutes to cover the bags under my eyes if only they'd stay concealed until the next day, before guys lost their cooties, before it seemed like reality was passing me by, before I had to make a choice tougher than bring or buy lunch, just before all of this, before I could feel fifty distinct, different emotions at once.
I'm not trying to be whiny and complainy and bitchy. I'm just feeling kind of "ugh". There are plenty of good things and good moods that have happened but I just haven't written about them. It's so much more difficult to write about and capture a good mood. And when I'm in a good mood, I wnat to just live it and feel it and will it to last. I feel like if I take time to write it, I'll lose a bit of it. Recently my reallygood moods are fewer and farther between so I try to cherish them.
5/10
I'll share this good mood but I'm not sure it translates into daylight and blogging well. Yesterday ended well. After I wrote that entry my school day passed by without much significance. I'd left my gym clothes on Lindz's floor so I couldn't do gym class. (Note: I made it up today.) We started tennis so I may just learn how to play yet. hehe ^_^ Lindz met me on the bleachers and we walked up to our spot by the ladder to the announcer's booth. We haven't been up there in forever. We just sat up there and talked about for half an hour. Then, we cut across the field to the library. (Note: Same route I took today only today the tennis team was practicing and I was alone and I didn't stop at the bleachers and I'm still in my sweaty old gym clothes.) We got on the internet and I checked my e-mail and IMed while she did whatever and IMed. About half an hour before Dad came, I went to get books. Dad picked us up and dropped Lindz off. I got home and collapsed on the couch. Dad looked at the books I got and took one of them back (The Sixteen Pleasures)(which I can always get out and hide from him). I laid on the couch and read My Father had a Daughter until nearly six. Then I worked out a little (like 100 crunches and 100 jumping jacks) and changed before Lindz got there to pick me up around 7:30. We sat on her bed (well, laid) for a bit before going out onto her trampoline to do homework, talk, and jump. We were out there laughing and jumping and plotting (covered in bug spray that didn't help much). The dog at the house behind us was barking and the guy started yelling and we were complaining to each other about him. I could not stop laughing for, like, 20 minutes. Lindz suggested I was high and I said something to the effect of, "blah blah blah, man, blah blah blah" (What was it, Lindz?) Anyway, the timing was perfect and the "man" like stoner talk was priceless. We swung on her swings for a while and then we went in and worked on her basement. I got on her computer and read some alerts and we went to bed around midnight. We were planning to skip school but I got up and ready. :( Lindz went home sick today.
That's all I got but I'll be back soon! Dad'll be here in less than five minutes and I wanna be offline when he gets here.
Love always,
Vickey
3 comments:
hey butt munch! im commenting on 5/10, and you said something like "Dude, man why would i be high?" and yes it was in a stoner like way! omg it was great... then there was me seeing the "paint brush" and the "rolled up joints" LOL! well im out
FarWell
sorry to hear uve been in such in a thick mud puddle.
but ill be praying for you.
love ya,
meg <33
(((((hugs))))) for 5/9 entry Vickey, have to say, you express your feelings so well. Though it's sad to read, I can't help thinking how talented you are. Take care honey.
Sara x
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