5/12
Yesterday, I showered right after school. I washed my hair and when it dried, it dried right. I don't know what it is but typically my hair doesn't like me and doesn't dry correctly. I was confinded to my room yesterday and I finished my book but didn't do much homework. My point is I never realized how far a good hair day goes to feeling confident and good. So last night, laying on Dad's bed in my favorite shorts and my sister's old button down (silk) shirt over a tank and watching LOST, I felt wonderful. I hoped for that to last through to today but waking too early with allergies destroyed that. But if this head/stomach ache will go away (which I feel they soon shall), I'll nearly feel perfect. Last night, watching LOST, I felt happy with my mind, emotions, and body. I was completely happy with exactly how I looked and I was basically out of my body. I was kind of having an out-of-body experience. Happiness is getting lost (lol) in a show, experience, or activity and loosing track of your body, your problems, your hardships. Some find it in meditating, some in books, some in writing, some in TV. I found it last night. Not even (sorry girls) lunch with Jack, Sayid, and Russo (formerly Kate or Rachel) or laughing my arse off with Lindz has given me that feeling of happiness or contentment recently.
But the downside... after school and after my shower, I wanted to start my laundry. Dad wouldn't let me because I was confinded to my room. I got frustrated, yelled "I HATE YOU", ran to my room, sat at my desk and cried. And... I dug my nails into my legs. THe marks were so deep, I thought they'd never go away. I nearly bleed and the skin at one impression was torn. :(
5/13
I dug my nails into my leg again yesterday. Dad was frustrating me over something and rather than just cry, I dug my nails in and cried. I cried the day before too. Over the pain, over the fact that I did it, over whatever it is that was frustrating me, over everything.
I really just want a weekend to sleep in, surf the net, read my billions of e-mails, and just exist at Dad's. The past two weekends I've been at Mom's, this weekend I'll be there, next weekend I have solofest (at 9am!) and my aunt Bonnie, her husband, her son, and her neice (Darien) are coming down, the weekend after that I'll be at Mom's. I might get that weekend I want the weekend of 6/4 but it depends on Dad's work schedule.
Love forever and a week,
Vickey
5 comments:
(((((hugs))))) for the no internet access thing, I don't know how I would cope!! I'm glad you had a good hair day feel good moment, and I hope that things are better at home soon.
Sara x
hi sawyer! sry about the whole dad thing, i can't really say that i feel your pain, but something like it right now. i totally know what u mean about the whole contented thing. that almost never happens though. life sux.
I love los\t too. I love it love it love it. Cant wait til tomorrow!!
will pray for you.
i think u need it
5/12 journal: I'm the same ways some times. I'll just feel completely comfortable with my flaws and my body. I'll think I've got this great personality, and I look pretty good, so what idiot wouldn't want to date this? I will go to school the next day, and completely lose that clarity. Because you see all these people who keep comparing themselves to airbrushed magazine covers, and actors who've obviously had plastic surgery done. I start to crumble. I eventually regain my focus, and dump that self-conciousness. We all have are moments of weakness. I'm so glad I'm not one of those people who thinks appearance is everything, and falls for all the fake crap they see on t.v.
dammit! i'm soo sorry that you felt like that. glad you had a good hair day, but sorry that you felt that. I hope it's healed now.
Take care of yourself doll~
xoxo~B
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