Haunted helplessly

There are words and images and thoughts without definite form swirling around in my head this morning, taunting me, teasing me, horrifying me, depressing me, and, worst of all, making me regret. There are words from the eulogy, from reflections about Charlie, from songs sung at the memorial concert. There are images of guys I've liked (guys I do like as well) and the moments I regret about them, the things I didn't do, that I feared. There are thoughts of "If only I'd..." and "What does that mean?" floating about. And then there are those thoughts which I cannot name and cannot identify beyond the way they make me feel: apprehensive, depressed, and a titch hopeless. I cannot shake these feelings, I cannot get this images out. They're haunting me and I haven't the slightest idea as to why. The memorial concert for Charlie last night was emotional. It was the most significant concert I have ever been to and probably ever will go to. It's the closest thing to a funeral I've been to. And it was painful. I should have brought kleenex. I cannot shake these feelings as much as I try. And they are the feelings I hate the most. I feel so heavy, so weighted, and not in the good way. Last night I could feel Charlie so heavily at the beginning of the night, I could feel his presence. And as the night went on, it slowly left. He become farther away. I think he had to stay long enough to see us all okay and when he realized we were, he decided he could watch from farther away and that is exactly what he did. It left me feeling hopeless and helpless. Everyone was crying and hugging. I felt so out of my element. I'm okay with advice and I'm okay with "it'll be okay" and whatnot but that didn't feel right. I felt like there was this wall up at the end. Like I was seperated from everyone. And it just felt helpless. While I was hugging Ricky and Jack, I didn't feel like I could do anything more. And I couldn't stand to see them in such obvious pain and hurt. I know Jack wasn't thinking about Charlie. I know part of her thoughts were with her dad. How could they not be? I don't like feeling confused. And I don't like feeling like I can't do anything to help. And that is how I felt last night. Well, the last part, not so much the first. These thoughts don't seem to want to leave and I cannot force them out. I believe I'll see if a shower and a bit of decluttering in my room will help. And perhaps I can convince my dad to go to the cider mill today instead of tomorrow.