Old entries

10/6
He hugged me this morning and that's all that's keeping me from breaking down. I lost my cell. Mom's gonna kill me. I'm praying it either fell out in Becky's car or I left it on Lindz's bed. I can feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders. My chiro got it out yesterday, then Aric kept it out, then paper burning released anger and frustration and left calm. Now the tension is back and I'm dead. Missed LOST last night but had immense fun laughing and blushing at Pizza Hut for over 2 hours! Aric is amazing. I love him. But it's Josh's hug that keeps me going this morning.

Hahaha. Fire alarm went off. Now the whole school is outside. Somebody pulled the alarm. Found Josh. Bryan found me. They were hacking a pear but now they're off somewhere with a sack. I'm just killing time. Sitting down, writing. Poetry, blog entries. Wishing I had followed them. Knowing I'm more secure here than I would be there. We're at the point when people start getting bored and tired of standing. So ppl are sitting down on wet grass or the luckier ones are on pavement like me. I've got For Good stuck in my head again/still. Btw: if you don't read this, no harm done. It's just passing time. So if all of them just passed me, where's Josh? I swear, if he asks me out, I'm gonna say yes. And if he doesn't, we won't go out b/c I'm not asking him out.
I'm getting excessively bored. I should just go walk and find somebody but I don't completely fit in with the corner crowd. I'm a little more conservative than they are. I don't smoke, do drugs, or have sex while most of them do at least one of those three.
Okay, so the firemen have come and went. I don't see why we're still outside. It's been about an hour. I'm missing lunch now. How much does that suck? I know one thing: it's not Josh's fault this time.
Lindz makes new friends pretty easily whereas I don't. I'm shy and withdrawn until I get to know someone. Then, I'm nuts. When the self-consciousness and shyness fade, the craziness creeps in. (What a day to lose my cell.) So I've been sitting here by myself singing For Good, writing a new song and writing this crap. Wish I could find Lindz, Jack, Sayid, or Russo. Or Josh. Or get over my shyness and insecurities and go sit w/Alex or someone. Now, I am one lost in a sea of cliques. I may as well just leave. But I don't b/c last time I walked off campus, I got caught and in trouble (aka 2 day suspension plus tutoring at the Foreman Center).
Just so freaking bored. It's nearly *interrupted by Josh*
So I went over w/Josh and felt throughly out of place. Then they let us in but we're in lockdown mode. I missed 1/2 of German, all of bio, and all of lunch. Now we're into missing gym. Josh has a power over me like Jon did. He can make me happy with such a little thing. But I often wind up feeling empty, like I forgot something when I leave him. But today, I left his presence feeling complete and happy. Oh, and instead of calling him dork, I now call him sexy. I wanna talk to Lindsay. I guess I'll do some homework now. ::big smiles::

Note: Found my cell that night.

10/7
Josh is gonna be a problem between me and Lindz for a while, I think. B/c I get jealous when they flirt and she gets jealous (though she says she doesn't) when I do. And if we're like that over flirting, what would it be like if one of us dated him (again)? They kissed yesterday and I flipped. What gets me is Lindz says she's over him, said I could date him if I want and she wouldn't care. This obviously isn't the case.

10/11
Sorry about that hiatus yesterday. I was really planning on going away for a bit. I went to write in my private J about how I hadn't updated about a certain situation lately but I'd explained it to the person it mattered about and I wound up getting a bunch of stuff off my chest and I felt like I'd gotten it out right. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm collaping in on myself, it's b/c I can't get words out right. Once I do, I feel fine. I think part of the reason I keep going through this cycle of feeling choked, giving up ever feeling good again, purging my soul, feeling relieved, and getting stressed again is that I can't talk about a few major things in here or to Lindz. Talking about stuff helps me get things out. With Lindz it's like there's an elephant in the room these days. And we never mention the elephant even though as time goes on it gets to be a bigger and bigger elephant. Right now, it's possible to ignore but it soon won't be.

I'm in free right now and JJ is sitting next to me. I think I wrote about him once before. He's the cute guy from my English class that got stuck in the Jefferson Monument with me in eighth grade. But he's cuter now. :) Jack's highlighting her lines and Russo's doing math hw that's due next period. I already finished my English hw (that's due next) and the german hw that's due tomorrow. Can't do anything else here. Just killing time. This is such a pointless entry. Now Sheli and Sarah are singing Bohemian Rapsody. lol :)

10/12 I'm sick and I want to be at home on the couch w/a cup of tea and my sick blanket. It's just a cold or the flu or something but my whole head aches and for some reason my back just decided to hurt. But my main concern is to be better by Friday. Friday is the memorial concert for Charlie and I really want to participate with Chorale. (And of course this morning when I look to see if there's any medicine-yuck-I can take anything applicable expired.) Oh well. If people can deal with MS, CF, AIDS, or any number of other disease (with no cure), I can deal with one little cold and a few scrapes and bruises. But it does suck. And since I caught this from my dad, I know it's only gonna get worse. My dad has only taken about a dozen (if that) sick days since he started work at Kodak and he took 2 or 3 for this. So I'm staying home tomorrow but getting meds to kill so I can make it through the dress rehearsal and concert Friday. It means a lot to me to preform. It's a very uplifting, inspiring song and it speaks to who Charlie was. I want to honor the memory of the happiest, strongest, most inspirational person to walk the halls of this instituion we call high school.



Okay, holy freakin crap. I've got more to type up but my brother has hw to do on the computer that he's put off til Sunday night and I've got hw to do (and a lab report that I'm not gonna have time to do :( ). Oh, just so you know, I'm all better. My cold is 100% gone and the concert went superbly. I'll be back tomorrow.
Vickey