From June 9-15

June 9

She's really gone. Forever. My baby's really gone. I just looked at my prayer list for the first time in months. I crossed her off. "Smokey's kidneys and weight to be gained" is now gone. She's been gone for three months today. How can I go every day without thinking about her? She meant the world to me. She was my everything. And I haven't thought about her in days. Hell, weeks. How can I forget her? How can I practically erase her existence? If I forget her, she's gone. She may not have even existed if I forget. How could I ever forget my baby? How can I spend my day swimming and tanning and not even once thinking about the single most influential feline in my life to date? How can I imply by not thinking about her that her life meant nothing? My God. Why am I like this? A crisis of faith sucks.

June 10
That was so fun! Let me start from the beginning. At 3:57 am (according to my clock), I awoke with a horrific bout of allergies. By 4:10, however, I was sleeping peacefully. My alarm jolted me out of an interesting dream at 6:20 but I promptly hit snooze and fell back to sleep. Every ten minutes, I clambered out of bed to trip on my sheet tangled around my legs and put off consciousness for another sixth of an hour. Around 6:38, I awoke to the ring of the telephone. Gramma wanted to see if I was awake. I assured her I was. After getting nearly ready, I called back and asked for a ride "because I have to bring my textbooks back today". I arrived at school and got Lindz right off the bat. (It's Slap-@$$-Friday.) She helped me with her locker (which hates me) and I put my heavy books in. Somehow, I'd twisted my knee. I hobbled off to class and went over the chromatic scale (do-di-re-ri-mi-fa-fi-sol-si-la-li-ti-do-ti-te-la-le-sol-se-fa-mi-me-re-ra-do). Then we got to learn the blues scale! So so fun! We went around and improvised twelve measures each of blues melody! Nerve-wracking but oh so fun! Then we had to sing an idea and then embellish it. I love blues. I was so self-conscious but I love it. Some of the girls were meant to sing blues. They jived perfectly and swung from note to note with breath-taking grace.

June 13

So now I'm worried-ish. That guy that I was totally flirting with Friday? Well, he likes me too. I totally like him and I'm totally happy. My voice is high and I giggle a lot. The last time I was like this was October, Jon. The last guy I let touch me in any way and feel comfortable with was Jon. Both Bryan and Jon rubbed my shoulders. Both got under my bra strap (one with ice and one with his hands). What if Bryan breaks my heart too? Do I take that risk or try to stay safe? How much do I risk for a guy I just met? His phone number (which he doesn't know I have) is sitting in my backpack. I've thought about him every day since Friday at least a dozen times or more. I hardly know Bryan but I want to get to know him better. I'm thinking about asking him out for coffee or something but what if we have nothing to talk about? Or what if Dad sees us and gives me crap? I don't mind being seen out with a guy but would it be considered a date? I'm not allowed on one-on-one dates and in a group I wouldn't get enough time to talk to him alone. Oh, and FYI: I met him around midterms but didn't know his name and didn't pursue anything because he didn't intrigue me much. Well, now, he intrigues me far more. I just don't know. Maybe I should just call the boy. What do you all thinking? Do I call him or not? Ask him for coffee? Summer's coming fast. Ooo! I'll see when his tests are and maybe get him to meet me at Hots or Starbucks between tests Thursday or before/after one of his (providing I can get a ride). So what do I do? I like him and I don't want to risk never seeing him again. But I am moving. Do I want to even consider starting something? Advice would be very helpful.

June 14

Y'all don't get me too much when I'm happy or when I'm bouncing off the walls but since I can't go scream and I can't talk and I can't smile enough, you get it all. Bryan, the guy I was telling you about, asked Lindz to ask me out. I said he has to ask me himself. So by day's end, I may have a boyfriend! *squee's for an hour* I really like him. But I might be spending the summer with Mom. What then? I can't go three months without seeing him. Ahhh! I'm so nervous/anxious/excited/petrified. My knees are jelly and my stomach is resonant with the sound of a billion butterflies. Eeeee! Jack thinks he's hot. She said if I didn't ask him out myself, she would (as in to date her). Looks like my problems may be solved. He's not getting access to this for a while though. I don't want him knowing my every thought just yet. Oh, did I mentionI saw him before my first five classes? He walked out of his way with me to my locker before fifth. And he walked me to voice. He came to science and math and walked with me. Eeeeeeeeee! Too giddy/happy/girlish to write more. I can't believe this. Oh, and... Never mind. I never told y'all about that dream. Maybe later... <3 Love always

6/15

Bryan just asked me out. I said yes. Now I think I regret it. I feel like it's going to mean a redefinition of who I am. I've just gone through a phase of serious depression in which I lost my faith (toward the end) and my definition of who I am for the most part. I need to figure out who I am before I date someone. I need to figure this out soon and fix it before it's too late. I loved flirting with him and yesterday, I was thrilled at the prospect. Now, I'm not. Now, I just need to feel free. I feel as though saying yes bound me to something that I don't want. I feel sick. What do I do? I need to explain this to him but how do I? All of a sudden, I don't know anything. I'm so completely awkward around guys. I'm more likely to flirt and feel completely comfortable than to seriously pursue someone. Question: How will I ever get married if I never have a boyfriend? Perhaps I'm meant to just live in my novels and not date. I really need to reconnect with my faith. I haven't had the desire to do anything God-related in a while but now I do. It's Wednesday! Ooo! I'll see if Lindz wants to go to youth group. I really need to go. Since the Day of Silence, I have not gone. I need to hear one of Dillon's lectures tonight.

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So for now, I'm still dating Bryan. More in a bit.

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Trying to hide this from everyone. Sitting at Linear Park off to the side. My back hurts and this rock/seat is hard. How did my last day of classes go? I nearly cried in voice. Everyone sang Alma del Core and Out Here On My Own together. *tears* Before German, Bryan asked me out. Not sure how I feel about the fact that I said yes. Math was next. More nearly tears. Science. Bomb threat. (Must stop for now. Serious risk of being read.)