Old entries and a current rant

Yay! Headache gone! On and off today but not as intense. I actually went to Starbucks and a local mini-restaurant. They serve hot dogs, garbage plates, burgers, home fries, french fries, and such. Oh, and free refills on the sodas. Thus, I get suicides. (A mix of whatever kinds of soda you want. I use coke, sprite, orange, root beer [the only way I drink it], and ice.) It was fun. :) Time for (a bunch of) old entries.

3/12/05

I had a doctor's appointment this past Monday, the seventh of March. I went to see if I am bipolar or not. I am, as of yet, undiagnosed. That is not to say I'm not bipolar. Dr. W (my pediatrician) said she wanted to wait for after my appointment with my pyschologist (Dr. I) to see what she thinks. If she says that she believes I am bipolar, then Dr. W may prescribe something. If Dr. I thinks therapy is enough to help, I'll just see her. Which is OK by me. I just want to know what the heck is up with me.

Oh, remember that bus sickness I was getting a couple months ago? It disappeared a few weeks later. I think it was the headlights for some reason. The contrast of the bright lights against the dark sky.

Oh, and Tom. You must remember him for all my ranting and raving. Well, Tom's great, cute, and Christian. Tom's not the next guy for me. There are many qualities about him that I admire/like/love and want in my future husband. But I don't want him. He just doesn't do it for my heart. So Tom shall remain a great friend and nothing more.

Ahh, and a new story has come up with an "old" guy. That, I'm afraid, I can't write about in here until it is resolved in my own mind.

Now, to use my writing skills to boost my global grades! lol Divider pages, here I come.

 

Same day (keep in mind, this is two days after I found out about Smokey and three days after her death.)
So I haven't done my divider pages yet. So it's only been a few minutes. I am tired of being asked if I am okay, if I'm alright. I am grieving for my cat in my own way. If I cry, I cry but I'm still okay. If I laugh, I laugh and I'm still fine. Laughter, tears, lack of appetite, wearing black. All of it is okay. I've been numb, angry, sad, feeling as though I never want food to pass my lips again, wanting to eat everything I can get my hands on. I've felt everyone of these emotions in the past five hours at least once. I swear I saw her yesterday. We were in the car, driving to BG's, and I was looking at the clouds, near the sun. I swear I saw her in the clouds,  peaceful, plump again, no longer skin-and-bones. But then, the wind shifterd the clouds and she looked pissed, hissing, ready to strike. And then the clouds shifted again and I couldn't see her. But I saw just a piece of a rainbow. Not very big, only for a few minutes. I knew though. I knew. It was God letting me know she was okay. She'll be fine and she's waiting at Rainbow Bridge for me. And though I still miss her and I'm still wearing all black, I'm okay. I'll be fine and so will she. But I still miss my baby.

3/15/05

Okay. Unless my teacher is absent tomorrow, I will be singing between 7:30 and 8:15 tomorrow morning EST. So if you listen hard tonight, you might hear my sucky practicing. Some of you may have seen the world premiere. Evening Primrose on TV in 1966, I think. Or maybe it was 1956, I don't know. So listen in.

Same day
I hate that I can't get all my hair up. I'm back to wearing jeans and sneakers. And the cami I stole from Lindz is white. But my hair ties are black and my sweater is gray. Urgh! I just need it, like, two inches longer.

Same day
I have a list of stuff that makes me happy. From "mundane" to "me". Whenever I make lists like this or remind myself of them, I start with Pop-Tarts. I don't know why.

3/16/05

I sure hope none of you were able to hear my solo. I skipped an entire verse and messed up the first phrase (one I've ALWAYS nailed)! I sucked. Hit the notes, hit the rhythms, messed the lyrics atrociously. What makes it worse is that I know I can get it! I've done it before and I can do it. It just flew out of my head. Nerves, perhaps. Or not thinking far enough ahead.

Enough about that. I'm planning a sunrise party if Dad'll let me. Everybody comes around 9 or 10 or earlier (I don't know yet) and we have pizza and chips and crap and watch scary movies in the basement or Dad's room and stay up all night (if you want sleep, my room or Dad's) and we'll watch the sunrise before crashing (if we do crash). Why I think Dad won't let me have this party is because I want to invite some guys as well. Like invite Rach and Dan, Sarah and Zak, etc.

 

 

That's all I'm typing up for tonight. New rant. My father is an ass. Lindz has to talk to me about something important (that I have been sworn to absolute secrecy about) and ten minutes WILL NOT cover it. Damn. And Mom's only a few minutes away. Damn damn damn. Okay, time to go off for a weekend with my baby sister. :) *breathing deeply* Have a great weekend.

Love always,
Vickey

Oh, and did I mention that Gail is here? She is. Yea. I'm not to happy about that. She's a whole 'nother issue though. *sigh* Life will get better in a few minutes. Krispy Kreme, here I come. hehe ^_^