Another old one (followed by two short new ones)

What do I want? Mom is taking Dad back to court. I need to decide where I want to live. If Mom lived up here, I would live with her in an instant. No question about it. I’d have my friends, my school, my sister, my happiness. But Mom lives 100 miles away and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been asking myself all day what I want for that baby girl (the one in the picture). All I know is I want her to be happy. I just want happiness. How do I get it? I don’t know. Fighting every night and battling temptations on a weekly basis will not let that girl be happy. But will moving? Uprooting her again? Just when I’m getting comfortable with my body and my feelings, I may have to do that again. No matter how confident I am now, here, I know just how insecure a move makes a girl. I did that in fifth grade and though it was the best thing for me in the end, I don’t know if this is. Is a better home life worth a school that I think is worse (not having actually been there myself)? Y’all know how much I love music, right? How I take voice and am doing a solo for it? This is the best music program in the state. Acedemics and friends or a happy home life? A stepdad, mom, and sister who all love me and treat me right or a father and brother who may love me bu infuriate me and through that infuriation make me tempted?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Did I mention that my mother knows & I lied to her? She asked me how I deal with my anger and I told her that I write or talk to friends. Yea, I do that BUT she means do I self-injure. Let’s add up the powers that be in her. Female, my mother, one of my best friends, Pisces (which make me a second-generation Pisces. Talk about emotional and intuitive.). That would have been a great time to tell her but I didn’t. I need to say it to her face, I think. I need to get help before I can tell her. Only four or five people know and none of them are related to me. I’m so worried of how she’ll react. I know if I choose to stay with Dad she’ll be okay but this…. I really don’t know how she’ll react to this. Will she cry? Get angry? What? And I don’t know how to comfort her either. I’m a child. I shouldn’t be worrying about this. This problem is beyond me. I needn’t have this problem

 

 

 

I trailed off there because my lab partner was reading over my shoulder. Hate it when people do that. Some point soon, I’m going to type up all the random thoughts and song lyrics that I write on my papers. Some people doodle. I write. Creation or recalling. I think it would be interesting for me to see what they’re typically about, ya know? And who knows, maybe you’ll enjoy it.<o:p></o:p>

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I had youth group tonight. I never feel more loved and connected than when I’m there. I feel like someone is holding me. Keeping me safe and secure from the world. No matter what is going on in my life. Maybe coming home from a day of school and seeing that I have 75 e-mails and most of them are comments rivals youth group but not much else. That, I love.

 

Oh, I was told to give this link and not tell you what it is. I will however say that it is rated PG or so and is quite appropriate in most ways. So here’s the link *rolls eyes* http://www.mindistortion.net/iwantyoursoul/?i_am=misundastud2001 Beware! Lindz gave me this link. Thus, though this one is appropriate, it is messed up, severely.

 

 

Time for science homework. Crap! Is it really eleven? Au reviour.

 

Love always,

Vickey

 

 

By the way, I know I b**** and moan a lot about my life but I am privileged. I do have a nice warm house and a bed and food and clothes and all. I don’t need (or want) to be happy every second of every day but, I would like to come home and not worry if that’s the night he’ll send me over the edge. I’d like to be able to get angry or sad and not break out the marker (or my now-none existent nails). Ya know? I’m not just b****ing to b****.  I’m just trying to get my feelings out and let you all know how I feel and how I keep trying to deal with everything. Life is messed up. For all of us. If you have the perfect life, please call Ripley’s. Then call me. LOL Now, seriously, science homework. Arrivederci.

Love always,
Vickey