Response to old entries (and some very new things)

Yea, I'm back at reading old entries. Here goes my reactions to everything starting at A talk, an infatuation, and an ongoing war......... New Year's Eve with Jon wasn't on New Year's Eve. It was on the 29th or something but, it's easier to refer to it as New Year's Eve. (For those who don't know, I loved Jon. He felt me up. I didn't appreciate this. Can't stand having my shoulders rubbed anymore. At least, not most of the time. I'll give the whole story later but, not at the moment. Lightheartedness would be destroyed.) The Dixie Chicks were blacklisted? How so? I know they spoke out against Bush (not the exact quote though) but what does it mean to be blacklisted? What does it mean for a book to be "banned"? Cuz I can still get some of them from my community library. (Annie On My Mind is a great banned book.) I told Mom about my comment about Ray not getting any action Thanksgiving night and she was aghast. Couldn't believe I wrote that. My sister hurt me again. Bit my finger. Hard as she could. Drew blood, again. Owww! She's 19 1/2 months old. Comes with the territory, huh? She was OD'ed. Her (old) doctor is an idiot. Told my mom to give her 1 tsp. of medicine. That's the same dose as a 6-12 year old would get. Called back. No, it's 3/4 tsp. Called Ray on his cell. No, it's 1/2 tsp. IDIOTS! My sister could have died because of their idiocy. Stupid, stupid doctors. She's at a new doctor now. She is, as I said, 19 1/2 months old. At less than two weeks old or so, they found out that I had a heart problem. I was born with two holes in my heart, between the chambers of my heart so they oxygen rich blood mixed with the oxygen deprived blood before it went into my body. I also had a heart murmur. The holes have closed up but, I probably still have the murmur. I was 2 WEEKS old. My sister saw the same pediatrician from day one to last week. Never detected hers. New doctor had never even seen her in the grocery store and found it within 2 weeks old. She had some serious testing done a few months ago. Was putunder and everything. Not knowing she had a heart murmur, that could have been really serious. Mom knows. Remember when I mentioned my "ability"? I got it from my mom. I told her that Dad thinks I've taken the scissors to hurt myself and hidden them in my room (he won't say it but, he thinks it). She asked why and am I. I started to explain (with Joey awake in the backseat) and she interupts. "No, let me tell you." And says, "I don't see you actually cutting yourself but I see you using a pen or a marker." I hate having a mother with abilities. I confirmed it. Don't remember the rest of what was said but, she warned Joey not to tell my dad. Said my dad would haul me off to the hospital to be locked up (I don't doubt it). I did say that I hadn't talked to Mrs. Lynch (my school counselor) because she has to tell about this stuff. She told me that 1) my dad would be told and 2) they may haul me off to the hospital for a pysch evaluation. I don't need to be locked up and a pysch evaluation would just make me feel like a freak. I'm not a freak. I'm a perfectly normal girl who happens to feel like hurting herself sometimes. That does not mean I need to be locked up. I've been strong enough to not pick up the razor yet, I'm also to weak to pick it up. I don't know if that makes any sense but, it's a strength and yet a weakness that I don't cut. If that makes any sense, you've probably been in my shoes before or had someone very close to you in my shoes. Not a great place to be, by the way. I nearly did it the other night. No reason. Just felt like making a line down my leg. I don't know why. I wasn't fighting or anything. Just sitting there spacing out. I didn't. I didn't even get up. Just brushed the thought away. BTW: that whole brother for sale thing, I was going to pay YOU not vice versa. I was going to send you the money to take him off my hands. And yes, Sara, England is far enough away. You take him and then stop over for that cup of tea, kay? I did not have homework over Thanksgiving break but, I did have it the day I got back. That's the homework I was doing. Happiness.... overrated? Perhaps but, it's better to have enough. In response to one of the questions I asked her, she said she wanted enough for her daughter. Enough sorrow to appreciate the joy. I think I'm entitled to a bit of joy for now. I've dealt with my sorrow and if He feels I need more before I'm ready to appreciate the joy, okay but I'd like to know. If I'm able to apprciate the joy, I would like to know if I'm supposed to move. Lately, I had a breakthrough. All those times I feel alone, I'm not! He is there with me. That realization made me cry with tears of relief and of happiness. All my friends cried when they accepted Him. I didn't. I couldn't stop smiling but, I didn't shed a tear. Now, I'm standing in gym class, feeling alone and left out because I didn't have shoes to wear that were suitable for pickleball playing and I realize that I'm not alone and start to cry. "... my life changed forever. .... I seldom bother to explain. .... I don't feel that I have to unless it's on my terms, and that would take more time than most people are willing to give me. My story can't be summed up in two or three sentences; it can't be packaged into something neat and simple that people would immediatetly understand." That is on page xi of A Walk To Remember by Nicholas Sparks. Fits how I feel amazingly well. I don't feel I have to explain myself unless I want to. I can't summarize my life in a few sentences. "My parents divorced and I got depressed. My life returned to 'normal' and I felt 'normal'. Then I started to feel like cutting myself." Yea, great summary. No reason for anything, just fact. Doesn't tell you anything about me. Could be any number of children out there. Far too many of us can identify with that. If I explain, I give reason and feeling. I'm just like the 57 year old version of Landon Carter. Don't ask me to explain myself. My heart and soul will be explained if I want to. Y'all basically get that explaination and I'm glad that you take the time to learn about it but, if you were one of my friends from school (and Lindz can atest to this), you wouldn't know most of this. You wouldn't know that I'm tempted. Most of my school friends don't know this. Rachel's got this link but, hasn't left a comment or mentioned anything to me about it. I think parental controls blocked her. Looks like this is a bit too mature content for a "young teen" setting. I'm thinking that all those times I feel that panicky, hyperventaliating thing (other than when Lindz professed her "love" to me) that it might be my heart acting up. What does having a heart murmur change? Can I feel it when it murmurs or is it always murmuring? What is a heart murmur? What's it do? Is there a doctor in the house? Anybody know these answers? I'm worried about Lindz. Something is up but, I don't know what. Need to get ahold of her. Hey, I thought I wasn't going to worry any more..... Seeing as how I'm at the entry that is response to entries, I'd say that the entries are far too recent to objectivally respond to. Now, to post this and finish with Danielle's questions (which I was going to do and then finish this but, her first question is hard!). Arrivederci.   Love always, Vickey