I feel betrayed by my dad. I feel like his affair (if it occured and I believe it did) ripped my family apart and through it ended the fighting. I now feel that it has wrecked my life. Maybe this is how life is supposed to be. Maybe going through this storm will lead me to a gorgeous rainbow in the end. I could maybe all day long but I'd rather not. "We have two lives. One we learn with and the one we live after that." (The Natural) Guess I'm still in the first life. The one of suffering. So how can I learn my lesson and get past it? I don't mind sadness but I'd rather this emptiness and confusion abate. Part of me wishes for those days, one in particular that I recall, of sitting on my floor crying and no matter how much I thought of suicide (I was 13 and Mom was just far enough along that she knew the baby was a girl.) I never got up off the floor to get the pills. I never went so far as to touch the bathroom door when I felt like that. I'd remember my sister and know that I didn't want her to live life never meeting me, only hearing stories, never knowing me. So Sami saved me. Amazing what one baby girl (not yet born) can do. Reminds me of another baby girl (my motto...) She was the only thing. In some of my "lighter" depressions, my cats. I didn't want them to be left with my dad (who kept them mainly because of my mom and later me) and Joey (who treated them as ragdolls).
I guess I need to believe something so deperatly that I took the first thing I was told. It may be wrong. I need a reason for the divorce. "We didn't get along." isn't good enough. Why didn't they get along? I need a reason. If it was an affair, why did he (or she, perhaps the story has been mangled that much) cheat? Wasn't s/he satisfied? I want the answers. The honest answers. I remember telling my counselor that, "I didn't know what I want to know. They'll tell me anything I ask but I don't know what to ask." Well, now, I have plenty of questions and Dad won't answer them. I don't know if Mom's answers are truth. I know they're answers and they're the only ones I've got. I'd rather have a false answer than no answer. I wonder if I'll ever have the real answers, the true answers. Can I live without them or are they as crucial, for whatever reason, as I think?
I was thinking after I wrote this today that the only way I'll ever know if Dad did sleep with Angel is to talk to her. But how does one go about talking to the woman that may have slept with one's father, is one's mother's ex-best friend and was, for a time, like an aunt to one? I don't think I can. Hmmm... That's it for the entries. Gotta make dinner. Au reviour.
Love always,
Vickey
2 comments:
Sorry these questions are plaguing you Vickie.
Thanks for visiting my journal. -Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink
Questions that will need the river of time to float upon awhile longer before being answered. Truth... what IS truth? Would you know it if it was presented to you? Would your dad... or mom... or Angel know which viewpoint is "TRUTH?" We manufacture truth to fit our own reality and maintain some sort of sanity. Each of their stories may contain the truth they need in order to make it through another day. Truth, like beauty, is often in the eye... or mind of the beholder. Perhaps the place to begin for you,is to ask the question that many great religions, including Christianity, ask of it's participants... can you forgive? Forgiveness is the ultimate act. It is the pillar upon which faith is built. Without forgiveness there is no hope for salvation, for truth, for sanity. Only after you have found the room to totally and completely forgive your dad... forgive your mom ... forgive Angel can you voice these questions and then perhaps... hear the truth. There is nothing more freeing than forgiveness.
OK that's my 2 cents worth. Take care and nurture that child who lives forever within.
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