Before I get to the actual entry, there is a random thought that I wrote last night while fighting with Dad. "Meinen Vater ist ein blude Kuehe. Sorry Lindz." I wrote "sorry Lindz" b/c Kuehe means cow and she loves cows. So "my father is a stupid cow" is an insult to her beliefs or something. Onto the actual entry,
Feeling: Condfident that I did well on my test and worried yet secure about everything else
I think I'm moving. I thought that relase of tears Sunday night might change something but it didn't. I don't want to cut myself. Haven't felt that urge for about a week and a half but the fighting, after nearly a week, came back last night. I can't deal with it anymore. I think I'm being called to make a change, to take a risk. But my main deal is leaving NLBC (my church). I can keep in contact with friends but youth group is something that I can't recreate. I can join another but these people are like family to me. Youth group keeps me going, has kept me going for weeks. Tat and this blog. So I guess I have to figure out if youth group can get me through until college. Can it get me through the fights? The attacks he makes on Mom? That he claims are so I'll know who she truly is. She's my mother. I may not know the details but, I know she loves me and always will (contrary to what he said last night). He said I push him away because I know he'll always love me but, I don't know that she will. SHE'S MY MOTHER! She will always, always love me. No matter what. I don't believe him. My mother loves me no matter who I am. Jon put it best (yea, Jon said something intelligent). "No matter if she's straight, lez, bi, fem, butch, whatever, I don't care. She's Vickey and she'll always be my friend." Well with Mom, it's all that except instead of "She's Vickey and she'll always be my friend." it's "She's Vickey and I'll always love her." (At one point, I would have given the world to hear those words come out of Jon's mouth. Pashaw.) She's my mom. How can she not love me? Now, my mother was not always the best mom. She wasn't always the one I turned to, the one I felt this strongly towards in a positive way. There was a time when I probably blamed her for the divorce. I hated her. I know those are strong words and I know they're enough to break any parent's heart but those are the words I used at the time. I'm just trying to record my life as accurately as possible. (I wish I had started this long before now.) My mom spenttoo much time on the computer. She didn't do much around the house to clean up, didn't cook, didn't give me the best example of what a wife and mother is supposed to do. I'm not saying all you SAHM's should be slaves but, she did nothing but go on the computer all day. She didn't do much at all. But she always tucked us in. Always sent us off to school. Always was up by the time we got home. So Mom wasn't perfect. Her past transgressions have been forgiven. My dad's past transgressions are stuff like, oh, I don't know, cheating? Okay, enough analysis for the night. So what will I do? I don't know. I'll keep you posted. Advice, suggestions, and prayers/good wishes are ver much appreciated. I think I'm moving.
Love forever and for always,
Victoria Elizabeth
2 comments:
Of course she will always love you.
sorry, 2am brain can't find the right words for a better comment!!
Sara x
The power struggle of divorce is threefold. Dad's want us to like them more than our mom's, mom's want us to like them more than our dad's and that gives us the power to get what we think we want from both. But what we're really searching for and needing is just their love. They both love us. That's a given...a guarantee. It's how they love us that's more important. You hated your mother once, now you don't. You hate your father now, but you probably won't in time. Neither one deserves your hatred. No matter what you do, they will love you, no matter what they do/did, you'll love them. That's a given, too.
Forget them for a minute. Give up the struggle inside of you and think about what you want for you. I don't like reading about cutting yourself. I can't relate to that because hurting yourself has no purpose except to gain more attention and you have that, I think, from both parents. You talked about taking a risk, about moving. Is it a good move or one you'd be making to prove your power over them? I only ask because I took the same risk and suffered dearly for it. Sometimes, dreams are not exactly what you expect them to be....love, cal
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