Okay, so someone suggested that I think about truth. Someone is getting on my nerves. Making me think too much. Grrrrr. Just kidding. So what is truth? What is it? It's what actually happened. Would I know it if it was presented to me? Probably not. Honestly, I don't know what the truth is because though I witnessed a whole siht load of stuff that I probably shouldn't have, I didn't see the affair. I didn't see a lot of the stuff that I have questions about. I guess no one knows what the truth is. We change it based on what we need to believe to keep our sanity. (Okay, so you were right about that part.) I guess my truth is different than their truth. You can ask multiple people what happened on 9/11 and even if presented with all the "facts", they'd give you different answers. "Truth, like beauty, is often in the eye... or mind of the beholder." So, this person asked if I can forgive. "Without forgiveness there is no hope for salvation, for truth, for sanity. Only after you have found the room to totally and completely forgive your dad... forgive your mom ... forgive Angel can you voice these questions and then perhaps... hear the truth. There is nothing more freeing than forgiveness." So can I forgive? How can I forgive for something that I don't know if it happened or not!? I need to accept the fact that I'll never know what happened. I need to accept the fact that my parents are done with each other. For whatever reason. I need to accept that the reason isn't important. They split. What's done is done. "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." -The Buddha. So I disagree about the whole "don't dream of the future" part but, the other parts are true. Or should be. So, I'll forgive them for what they did in the past. I'll forgive them for their past transgressions. I'll forgive them for myself, not for them. I don't have the goodness or the energy or the will to forgive them for themselves. They don't deserve it, nor do any of us really ever deserve it. But I deserve to be sane. I deserve to have the real world. Much as I love my dream worlds, I need the real world. Much as it sucks. But, "Growing up sucks...not all kisses are magic, not all guys live up to your expectations, but there are moments when romance, friendship, love, everything just falls into place. That makes growing up worth it." It's the times that everything falls into place that I'm living for. Those are the times that I'll forgive them for. But, I don't think I'm quite ready yet. I'm not ready to forgive yet, to let go of this hurt. I deserve to & I know I need to but, it's like an old coat. It might hurt to have the wind rip through the holes in the coat but, it's comfortable. It's like an old friend that keeps hurting you but, it's comfortable. You're used to it. That's how this hurt is. Comfortable, familiar. And giving it up is like exposing myself to a whole new form of hurt. I don't think I'm strong enough or ready to deal with it right now. So for now, I'll keep the pain & the hurt. I'll keep the familiar old sorrow. It's easier for the moment. When I'm strong enough, I will. I can feel it. It'll be soon. By the time next Christmas (or at the latest my sweet sixteen) rolls around, I can feel it. I'll have forgiven. Actually, no. I take that back. I've already forgiven, mostly. Most of the time. But not fully and not all the time. By Christmas, I'll have forgiven fully. All the time. And, I'll have admitted it. I can sense it. I only hope I'm sensing right.
Love always,
Vickey
2 comments:
Doll, I know this is hard for you. The truth is what you see, to each person the truth may be different, the whole picture hasn't been painted for you yet. Chris is a Pisces, I know that sometimes it is extremely hard to face things that you don't want to be a part of your reality.
Regarding the affair...I think you may drive yourself insane trying to reason your parents intentions. In age you will learn tolerance for people, and you will learn a greater understanding of the mysteries to why people do things.
*Tolerance comes with age. I see no fault committed that I myself could not have committed at some time or another.* -Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe-
People make mistakes, they also make choices...sometimes they feel shame in their choices so they call them mistakes. Your parents love you. They may not be able to tell you, or even themselves, what really happened. They may not know what caused the end, they may only know that it ended. People do hide their emotions from themselves. In forgiving them you are not condoning what they did, you are accepting that they did wrong. If people didn't make mistakes or if there wasn't a wrong...there wouldn't be a way to better ourselves.
*A good man is the man who, no matter how morally unworthy he has been, is moving to become better.* -John Dewey-
Once you come to the point that you can forgive your parents, I think you will be able to accept what they tell you. I think that you are at the age that you deserve to have your questions answered, but first you must be prepared for what you may hear. Accept all possibilities of answers, it won't make it easier when you hear the truth but it will make it easier for the truth to settle.
You are, as always, in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of yourself doll.
xoxo~Bernadette
Wow, fantastic comment - below, Bernadette :o)
All I can say is that the whole truth of my parents divorve I still do not know, 26ish years later. I have been told details, differing details from both sides, but the main thing is that they weren't happy together. It doesn't really matter who was wrong and who was right, there is probably a little of both for each. It's a hard thing to deal with, but hon, you will, and you will forgive and forget in time. (((((hugs))))) to you :o)
Sara x
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