Do you all know what a pocket rocket is? Those mini motorcycles for kids 12 & over? Joey got one for Christmas. I was riding it. Going about 1 mph & I tried to change my leg position. That shifted my weight on the bike & I fell over. My right leg managed to escape damage but my leg knee is skinned, my left hand is too, & I have 2 bruises. One is small & yellow while the other is huge (on my knee). That one was yellow. Then blue. Then purple. Then green. Now all that plus black. OW! But at least I still have my life & my limbs.
I think I need to be tempted to make sure I am able to resist. Dad & I fought again last night & I wasn't. That's a good thing but, I'm worried that if I am tempted I won't remember what it's like to fight that. Every time it got too strong, I gave into it. Once it reaches a certain point, I'd scratch myself or snap rubber bands or draw on my arm(s)/leg(s). Why was I tempted in the first place? Before 9/7/04, I'd never even thought about it. Oh, did I mention that? I don't think I did. Early September, before school started, I was helping Liz La & Lindz out w/this & it got to me & I was tempted & it was semi-strong but I'd just pray & cry myself to sleep (it happened before bed a few nights). Then for nearly 2 months it abated & I wasn't tempted & then it came back & now it's gone. Nearly 4 weeks now. I honestly don't know why I was ever tempted. It's all just so surreal in a way to me. Oh, gosh. Is it that late? Past 11? I have school tomorrow. Crap. More tomorrow.
Love always,
Vickey
3 comments:
Glad you are OK. I had a friend who owned a "crotch rocket" a motorcycle that goes really fast and the rider sits hugging the damn thing. Death traps in my opinion. Take care and Joey too.
Temptation comes when least expected, no need to dread or anticipate it. Sounds like you are beginning the long process of healing from the divorce. As you start to look at and consider all the memories and "truths" from that experience it can cause lots, and lots of pain.. which some people want to alleviate with another kind of pain, cutting or other self-inflicted act. Unfortunately, as you understand, it does not assuage or eliminate the original emotional pain. Take it one day at a time and nurture that little girl inside.
Aren't you glad to be back at school? Bet you missed it during vacation hu? Toodles
Glad you're OK, if a little bruised!!
Hope school went well, J doesn't go back until Thursday, no fair!!!
Sara x
I've seen those pocket rockets...they look like death traps to me. You guys be careful and stay away from busy roads! From what I've heard the majority of accidents on those are from pulling out in front of a car that can't see them.
On the temptation...it sounds almost as if you were having troubles inside yourself and were trying at the same time to help Liz and Lindz with their stuff. Sounds like you were looking for a release for the pain and thought maybe that way would work, if it was addictive for them it must help somehow. Cutting, or scratching, or inflicting any pain of that type on yourself is an escape. It's a way to put the pain from inside somewhere else, externalizing it...you can see it and you think if you see the pain and get through it that it will make the pain inside better.
The only way to deal with the pain is to heal it. Think about it this way, you can look at the cut, see the pain, see the blood...it's there, it's real..now, what do you do with it? What would that little girl inside do? She'd probably run to mommy or daddy and cry out that it hurts and ask for a bandaid to help it heal. It's okay to say, 'it hurts, i could cry, i wish you would just hold me and let me get this out' sometimes all it takes is someone understanding. Remember the little girl inside, remember that even though the cut looks small it's huge to her and she might still need her ouchies kissed :)
4 weeks is great doll! Keep it up!
xoxo~B
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