It's past midnight as I sit here, writing this. I was on my way to sleep when I realized that my forhead was pressed against my bear's arm was like it had been pressed against Tom's forehead in that dream. So my bear went on the floor. And I went into a mode of thought and unrest. Because ever since Wednesday night, my feelings are sort of different. At first they were gone. Not an empty gone just a I-don't-like-him-anymore gone. But they're back. But the thought of that dream scene and him isn't with the same feelings. Now it's wary and cautious and sort of repulsed. I just am really confused. I feel it in my heart. Just confusion. I don't know if I like him or not. I can't stop second-guessing what I do, say, or think. Confused is the only word for it. Confused and self-conscious. Shy and withdrawn. Not myself. I don't feel like me anymore. I'm not myself. I'd dealing with my heart, my sanity, my friends, Tom, moving, cutting. I'm not seeing Ali tomorrow (she's in the hospital) because I can't deal with the reasons. I don't know if my sanity will remain if I see her. I don't know if I can handle it. I just don't know. I am so confused. I don't like feeling confused. Honestly. I don't. Schoolwork comes easy so I don't feel confusion over that. When my friends confuse me, it's often solved in a few words. But this is a deeper confusion that only I can figure out. But I can't. Damn Lindz because she spurred this! She said Lyndz was talking to Nelson who was talking to Tom and Nelson says Tom might be "negatory" on the whole thing but that it might not be true. Human nature causes doubt to enter through that though. So I worry I was too forward, too obvious. Argh! Damn my heart and mind! I just want to die. Not that I'm suicidal at the moment. I just don't want to deal with this. Hmmm.... typical choice: suicide or fantasy world? I choose the latter. Now, to create a world in my mind without humans!
Love always,
Vickey
P.S. that world involved me in the woods with a mini-lake nearby fed by a stream. A unicorn laid her head in my lap and let me stroke her mane. It was a nice retreat. I've used it since Saturday night, too.
1 comment:
I like your imaginary world, could I stop by for a visit and a pet of the unicorn? I promise not to stay too long!!
Sorry you're feeling all these things Vickey, you have such a lot to deal with.
It makes me feel sad to think of you wanting to die. I have felt like that before. When you feel overwhelmed by big things, maybe just try thinking of small things for a while instead. Think of the book you're reading, think of pop tarts and chocolate. Painting your nails and giggles with Lindz. The big things aren't going to go away just because you're not thinking about them, but the small things might make it easier to cope. Have a Sara (((((hug)))))
Sara x
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