Last night, I looked into my eyes (in the mirror) to figure out how I was feeling. When I can't easily identify my emotions, that's what I do. My eyes always give away my emotions. What I saw in them was simple to identify. I felt scared and vulnerable. I'm opening my heart to a very big, very real hurt. What is love? What does it mean? I know what it means to love a family member. If anything happened to Sami, I would be crushed. I love her so much. But that love doesn't come with butterflies. Except the first time I meet and held her. I was scared that I would hurt her. Not that this is love. But whatever it is, it's causing butterflies in my stomach and my heart. So if this were love, why whould I have these insects in my body? There's a song by Alison Krauss called "When You Say Nothing At All" (see next entry for lyrics). It has a line in it that goes, "Old Mr. Webster could never define/what's being said between your heart and mine". Well, Old Mr. Webster defines love as "1. Intense affection. 2. A feeling of attraction resulting from sexual desire. 3. Enthusiasum or fondness <love of music> 4. A beloved person. 5. A score of zero in tennis. -v. loved, loving. 1. To feel love for. 2. To enjoy enthusiastically <loves skating> * syns. adore, cherish -lov'able, adj -love'less adj." So do any of those fit this? Intense affection, kinda. Who am I kidding? The mayor of WerstNite must vacate my head so I can study. Feeling of attraction resulting in sexual desier? What is "sexual desire"? If it means wanting to have sex, not a chance. If it means I want to hang out with him and get to know him better and maybe (again, who am I kidding? once I get to know him better figure out whether or not I want to) kiss him or give him a hug, then yes. So Old Mr. Webster defines sexual as "1 : of, relating to, or associated with sex or the sexes <sexual differentiation> <sexual conflict> 2 : having or involving sex <sexual reproduction> -sex·u·al·ly". Sex is defined as nothing that would help me to define all this stuff. I know what gender is and I know what sexual intercourse is. If you don't, you can look it up. Desire is defined as, "to long or hope for something". So do I hope to do something related to sexual intercourse or gender? Not particularly. At the moment, I'm only willing to go as far as kisssomeone. And even that takes a while. I mean, I'm not gonna just kiss every guy on the street. I need to know him and know how he feels and what he thinks before I'm gonna lock lips. So, no I don't feel attraction resulting from sexual desire. Enthusiasm, every time I see him. Fondness as with all friends. Score of zero in tennis, N/A. To feel love for, what I'm trying to figure out. To enjoy enthusiastically, yea. I enjoy being in the presence of his company. I enjoy talking to and verbally sparing with him. Adore is defined as, "to worship or honor as a deity or devine". NO! I have but one god. It's also defined as, "to regard with loving admiration and devotion". Ummm that means knowing what love means. The last definition is "to be extremly fond of" and I think I've covered that one. Cherish means, "1 a : to hold dear : feel or show affection for b : to keep or cultivate with care and affection: nuture 2 : to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely <still cherishes that memory> synonym appreciate". Do I hold him dear? Feel/show affection for him? Yea. I think. Keep or cultivate with care and affection? Huh? Nuture? Is he a puppy? Entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely? If I understood that, I'd tell ya. So according to Mr. Webster, I do love him.
But how can words fully capture love? None of those words define love for me. Love is amazing and words cannot explain it. Jeff Bates has a song called "The Love Song" (again, lyrics in next entry). It talks about three different types of love. Mother-son, male-female, father-daughter. But within male-femailel, are their different types of love? First love is innocent and pure, unguarded. It is NOT puppy love. It's real and true. Just different than "adult love". I don't think I know him well enough to love him. I mean, yea, I know him and some of his beliefs but I don't even know if he's in the "I kissed dating goodbye" mindset or the "not until I'm ready to get married" or the "with boundaries" one. Honestly, I'm fine without a boyfriend. I'm fine by myself. I don't need a man to be whole. But.... it would be nice to not have to deal with this drama on my own. I mean, this blog keeps my sanity and my friends are there but quite often, they're dealing with the same type of drama and I'll feel like it'll make their drama worse. I know that everyone has their own drama and I help my friends (including any possible boyfriend) as best as I can. I expect the same in return. Honestly, I don't know. Screw Webster. I don't love him. I don't. But I am dealing with a serious crush here. It's finally Wednesday. Seven hours and forty-seven minutes left.....
Love always,
Vickey
3 comments:
I have to agree...you can't describe love with only words. It's a combination of many feelings,actions and words.It's both good and bad and it's something none of us will ever completely understand. Good entry. Very thought provoking ;-)
Hugs & Blessings,
~Angel
Fantastic entry Vickey :o)
Life and love are so confusing at times aren't they. How can we define love, you may or may not 'love' him, but only you can know the answer. Looking back now, I can say that I 'liked' a boy when I was at school, had those same feelings you have now. It was more than 'like' for a friend, but wasn't the 'love' I feel for my hubby. It might be something that will develop into 'love', once you know him better, or it might not, who knows?!! Sooo confusing!
Sara x
Love is a complex, yet simple thing. It's one of the most basic human emotions, the heart doesn't listen to the brain, no matter how much you try to reason with it. You don't have to be in love to have feelings for him, just enjoy the feelings. You're similar to Chris in how you feel about relationships, he's very cautious with his heart....it's a great quality. One of the things I love about him is that he loves completely.
Oh, and I just had to mention that I've always heard that if someone kisses your hand it means they adore you ;) I always thought it was sweet, Chris always kisses my hands...and likewise :)
Take it easy doll~
xoxo~B
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